I finally understand giving up and crazy
 

I had one of the greatest realizations of my life this weekend. The line between cookoo and clinically bat $hit crazy, really is within us, and when we just give up. I will admit that the example I will share really is small potatoes, but it might give you a lens into my crazy, and how I came to realize I just can't give up.

This weekend I was walking with my 10 year old son back to the car. He wanted to run ahead and get in the car....no problem. Turns out he wanted to get into the car because of his addiction to video games (which he left in the car). In addition to the 15 seconds of extra video game time, he saw a family size pack of gum which he proceeded to pour into his mouth - all of it! I was so mad at him, almost seething mad. First for the video game.....he was acting like a cocaine junkie (no offense) friending for the next hit. And second, because of his piggish attitude towards the gum. Forget about other people maybe wanting some, but for a kid who struggles with weight, pouring the bag in his mouth like a savage didn't help his cause.

My anger, resentment, cookoo.....whatever you want to call it went into hyper drive. But there was a little knack in the back of my head that kept saying: he's ten, he's a kid, don't ruin the whole day because he acted like a ten year old. As my emotion continued to boil, I tried even harder to just curtail what was clearly a wholly inappropriate reaction on my part. Seriously.... Crazy about gum and video games? All I knew was my reaction was not correct and I was literally trying with all my will to just calm down. Even when my wife got in the car, I just started yapping about something irrelevant, with the hope that the emotion would just subside. About twenty minutes later, it did, and I never outwardly wigged out.

I remember thinking, my god this is exhausting. I don't think I have it in me to continuously battle my internal daemons. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks....and it was terrifying. I bet that when you find the straight jacket folk, locked up at belvue, they got there because they gave up. Because it got too exhausting to fight their crazy, and they just threw in the towel and said...F it, let the crazy roll.

My son, daughter and wife are three indisputable reasons to never give up. But I am loco.....it takes vigilance, it takes will, it takes love, and more than anything, it takes an unshakeable desire and purpose to get better. My family is my purpose and my desire....but boy did that freak me out. Not surprising I went the way of he bottle! The good news is I can see it. I understand the trigger. Now I just need to never give up!

Hey there DT, I think we all have a little bit of crazy within us. But, I think you are learning to deal with normalcy while being sober, whereas before you just drank it away? Nice one though. You did great.