Meetings and the Gym
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I was listening to a speaker tape, and the guy was saying about a sitcom he watched where this overbearing mother visits her adult kids and is really critical. The son takes it all completely to heart; twists himself in emotional knots; and when she leaves, ends up in a state for weeks. The daugher, when she is visited and received the same nagging and criticism, just laughs and says "oh Mom!" and then forgets it. The speaker was pointing out that there will always be 'stuff' going on, we just need to learn how to deal with it so we don't keep giving ourselves a nervous breakdown when we could just "Oh mom" it.
You don't have 2 choices about this. You have 4.
1) Decide not to take sponsors advice; and thank her for her advice and concern, and assure her that you'll consider trying it her way if the exercise stops giving you some kind of relief,
2) Decide not to take sponsors advice and still twist yourself into knots about it, and spend hours projecting about what might happen tomorrow / next week / when you next speak to your sponsor and feed that resentment.
3) Take sponsors advice. Accept that you are choosing to take her advice because she might know something you don't (or even be suggesting it on something you're forgotten) and go to the meeting with a willing heart in the frame of mind where you can listen and learn from it.
4) Take sponsors advice but be resentful about it, and sit at the meeting in such a state that she and everyone else thinks maybe you need even MORE meetings.
Only you know how each of those options is likely to make you feel. This is your first post (that I could see) on SR so we don't know the background to this (i.e. if any of the premonitions of doom delivered to you from your sponsor have any likelihood of happening).
You say that she is making you scared. If her suggestions of what could happen are completely out of the blue; your program has been working well for you of late; and you have not spoken to her about possibility of relapsing, then assure her of those things and choose (1) not to be scared and (2) not to take her advice. Kind of "Oh Mom!" it.
If you think that you may be less stable than has been suggested here, and she could be right, and she's supported you well so far, and the trust you put in her throughout working your steps has proved well placed, then perhaps try to get to another meeting. Does it have to be the Monday night one? Are there any lunch time ones that your employer would be willing to look on as like being a doctors or counsellors appointment and let you have slightly extended lunch hour for? Could someone watch the kids for you on another evening so you could go to a different one?
Def worth using the resentment prayer though. We're talking about the choice between a spin class or a meeting. I know you've also mentioned the scary way she spoke to you, but I get the impression that you were already bristling about having to miss your class before that happened. (Apologies if I'm wrong about that). I think this is more about a battle against your self-will or similar than a spin class, which is why I suggested working through that resentment (step 4 style.) If nothing else it should take the power out of it and you can regain some perspective and calm.
Hope you feel better soon. x
You don't have 2 choices about this. You have 4.
1) Decide not to take sponsors advice; and thank her for her advice and concern, and assure her that you'll consider trying it her way if the exercise stops giving you some kind of relief,
2) Decide not to take sponsors advice and still twist yourself into knots about it, and spend hours projecting about what might happen tomorrow / next week / when you next speak to your sponsor and feed that resentment.
3) Take sponsors advice. Accept that you are choosing to take her advice because she might know something you don't (or even be suggesting it on something you're forgotten) and go to the meeting with a willing heart in the frame of mind where you can listen and learn from it.
4) Take sponsors advice but be resentful about it, and sit at the meeting in such a state that she and everyone else thinks maybe you need even MORE meetings.
Only you know how each of those options is likely to make you feel. This is your first post (that I could see) on SR so we don't know the background to this (i.e. if any of the premonitions of doom delivered to you from your sponsor have any likelihood of happening).
You say that she is making you scared. If her suggestions of what could happen are completely out of the blue; your program has been working well for you of late; and you have not spoken to her about possibility of relapsing, then assure her of those things and choose (1) not to be scared and (2) not to take her advice. Kind of "Oh Mom!" it.
If you think that you may be less stable than has been suggested here, and she could be right, and she's supported you well so far, and the trust you put in her throughout working your steps has proved well placed, then perhaps try to get to another meeting. Does it have to be the Monday night one? Are there any lunch time ones that your employer would be willing to look on as like being a doctors or counsellors appointment and let you have slightly extended lunch hour for? Could someone watch the kids for you on another evening so you could go to a different one?
Def worth using the resentment prayer though. We're talking about the choice between a spin class or a meeting. I know you've also mentioned the scary way she spoke to you, but I get the impression that you were already bristling about having to miss your class before that happened. (Apologies if I'm wrong about that). I think this is more about a battle against your self-will or similar than a spin class, which is why I suggested working through that resentment (step 4 style.) If nothing else it should take the power out of it and you can regain some perspective and calm.
Hope you feel better soon. x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Joe Nerv 
Have you run this by others that know you well? If so, what was their take on it?
I ask this because you say you're concerned that your sponsor might be seeing something that maybe you're not.
I ask this because you say you're concerned that your sponsor might be seeing something that maybe you're not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Beccybean
1) Decide not to take sponsors advice and still twist yourself into knots about it, and spend hours projecting about what might happen tomorrow / next week / when you next speak to your sponsor and feed that resentment.
3) Take sponsors advice. Accept that you are choosing to take her advice because she might know something you don't (or even be suggesting it on something you're forgotten) and go to the meeting with a willing heart in the frame of mind where you can listen and learn from it.
4) Take sponsors advice but be resentful about it, and sit at the meeting in such a state that she and everyone else thinks maybe you need even MORE meetings.
(i.e. if any of the premonitions of doom delivered to you from your sponsor have any likelihood of happening).
You say that she is making you scared. If her suggestions of what could happen are completely out of the blue; your program has been working well for you of late; and you have not spoken to her about possibility of relapsing, then assure her of those things and choose (1) not to be scared and (2) not to take her advice. Kind of "Oh Mom!" it.
Does it have to be the Monday night one? Are there any lunch time ones that your employer would be willing to look on as like being a doctors or counsellors appointment and let you have slightly extended lunch hour for? Could someone watch the kids for you on another evening so you could go to a different one?
Def worth using the resentment prayer though.
If nothing else it should take the power out of it and you can regain some perspective and calm
x
Of that one.
My sponsor wants me to go to more meeting bc when she was 19 months sober and was in a wacky relationship the only reason she didn't pick up is because she put sobriety as a priority
My sponsor has 17 yrs sober so I take any old timers advice into consideration, always take her suggestions- this is our first disagreement.
She thinks because me and the husband are separated (it's been 90days) I need to get an extra meeting in just in case.
I thought of your suggestion as far as scheduling goes
mon- wed the lil baby is with his father
Thursday Friday both kids are with my mother - I don't like to ask her to watch the kids more than she has to (I've already taken advantage of that while active).
I usually go to all early meetings to get home by no later than 7
Saturday I pay my brother so I can go to an early meeting and go to gym
There are no meetings around my job (I've searched intergroup high and low)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
In early recovery I had my one sponsor
and went to my meetings, took care of
my little family, worked my recovery
program all to the best of my ability.
However, I began to wonder if I was
missing something. For awhile I would
sit in meetings and admired one particular
lady who was a sponsor to many of the
women there. It seemed to me that they
all were speaking the same language because
they all spoke using the same AA information
taught to them.
They had this connection that I wanted
maybe like a mom with her little ones.
And since I didn't have that mother daughter
connection of my own, I pondered about
asking her to me my sponsor too.
Someone that would be tough on me,
stern on me to work harder on my own
recovery. Which meant I would have
to do what she tells me what to do.
Then a little time passed and I began
to think, why would I want to change
what has been working for me from the
start. Here I had a wonderful sponsor
gently, caringly guiding me along in my
own recovery and it was working.
Why fix what has been working all along.
Then, I realized, that as much as I admired
this other women in recovery, a mother
type figure to all the women, I didn't need
to have someone else tell me what to do
because I had already formed a resentment
towards my own sick mom and had to work
thru that.
Today, I still admire this wonderful woman
who spoke a good program and led a many
women in recovery learning a stern way
to remain sober. Maybe these women needed
a stern hand or voice to help them remain
sober where all I needed was a kind, caring,
gentler way of guidance to remain sober.
So I didn't need to fix what wasn't broken
in the first place.
Some 24 yrs sober and I am soooo grateful
for all the lessons ive learned over the yrs.
to mold me into the person I am today.
A happier, healthier, honest person I can
possibly be to the best of my ability.
and went to my meetings, took care of
my little family, worked my recovery
program all to the best of my ability.
However, I began to wonder if I was
missing something. For awhile I would
sit in meetings and admired one particular
lady who was a sponsor to many of the
women there. It seemed to me that they
all were speaking the same language because
they all spoke using the same AA information
taught to them.
They had this connection that I wanted
maybe like a mom with her little ones.
And since I didn't have that mother daughter
connection of my own, I pondered about
asking her to me my sponsor too.
Someone that would be tough on me,
stern on me to work harder on my own
recovery. Which meant I would have
to do what she tells me what to do.
Then a little time passed and I began
to think, why would I want to change
what has been working for me from the
start. Here I had a wonderful sponsor
gently, caringly guiding me along in my
own recovery and it was working.
Why fix what has been working all along.
Then, I realized, that as much as I admired
this other women in recovery, a mother
type figure to all the women, I didn't need
to have someone else tell me what to do
because I had already formed a resentment
towards my own sick mom and had to work
thru that.
Today, I still admire this wonderful woman
who spoke a good program and led a many
women in recovery learning a stern way
to remain sober. Maybe these women needed
a stern hand or voice to help them remain
sober where all I needed was a kind, caring,
gentler way of guidance to remain sober.
So I didn't need to fix what wasn't broken
in the first place.
Some 24 yrs sober and I am soooo grateful
for all the lessons ive learned over the yrs.
to mold me into the person I am today.
A happier, healthier, honest person I can
possibly be to the best of my ability.
AA member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 872
Seek,Alcoholics Anonymous is a link to a pamphlet about sponsorship,it may be helpful to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by 48heath
Seek,Alcoholics Anonymous is a link to a pamphlet about sponsorship,it may be helpful to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by 48heath
Sorry SeekHP,the link didn't work.
There is an excellent AA pamphlet on sponsorship,if you Google you will find it.
There is an excellent AA pamphlet on sponsorship,if you Google you will find it.
Oh yes I found it and I downloaded it to my iBooks- very helpful!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
I think that if you keep up the good work and follow your heart and your hp you'll be fine. I get what your sponsor's point is but 4 or 5 meetings a week at 1.5 years!?! When you feel like you need another meeting, go. If your schedule is working and you're feeling good, stick with it. I personally wouldn't keep a sponsor like yours. She sounds like she's on a bit of a power trip imho. It's okay to say no sometimes.
-Ted
-Ted
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