I'm back xxxx
 

Hello all

been some months since I have posted and whilst there have been positives there all also negatives

I stopped going to AA meetings local to me because no offence to those of you who find aa a real help the group I went to were all morbid , it was all doom and gloom even though many had been sober for years, I often found myself so gloomy after the meetings and wanting a drink more so that 9times out of ten I would drink, totally nonsensical madness so I stopped in January and noticed a vast improvement

I did bump into one person from the AA group in march who said we haven't seen you in a while I said AA isn't for me , I am coping, they simply said well your doomed you will die if you don't come back

very bizarre I thought.....

I joined a local competing swimming club in January also as I used to be a good swimmer and done various gala events and I am loving the swimming and improving all the time, I train three times a week

there is just one evil gremlin lurking in the corners of my life and mind

you see I have BPD BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER and chronic depression which I am on heavy medication for, I am starting a bpd support group on Tuesday 2nd june for three months which I am hoping will help as its a group based cbt therapy

I have been binging hard on lager and cider though every 2-3 weeks for a day and then having a break when I eat well, fresh fruit and veg, limited processed foods and exercise every day but I still cant beat the blooming drink demons my last binge was Thursday the 28th and I don't know why I had chatted to my maternal mother (I grew up in care ) and she is always negative and noticed this morning that my belly has grown back which I hate its kind of round and jelly like and its awful but what I can expect from lager and cider really ?

Vanity aside I need to break this awful cycle of binge then dry , binge then dry, I would say I am an alcoholic but the more the drink becomes normal the more I get a taste for it I know if I kick the habit then my belly will shrink , but I guess a bit of visceral flab is the least of my worries at present .........

I often think what came first the alcohol or the bpd, it does seems they play a sick game of cat and mouse with one another which the lager demon seems to win , I haven't drank spirits in over three years as I used to self harm and have many serious psychosis on the stuff

anyway I am glad to be back and hope day by day I can get well

kisses charlotte united kingdom xxxxx:react:cries3:

Glad you're back, Country! I think I've given up trying to figure out why I am an alcoholic and focusing instead on staying sober one day at a time. My drinking was affecting my liver and other similar nasty stuff. I have had serious depression and PTSD which haven't helped so I think can understand your situation.

Please get all the help you need to beat this beast. Have you tried different AA groups? Other resources? Keep on posting!

I was a binge drinker as well. I have come to realize lately that I believe, for myself, what kept the cycle going was that, like you, I could quit for periods of time. Therefore, in my mind, I didn't have a problem.

But I did have a problem. Whatever someone wants to label it, my drinking was causing me problems. Even if 1xs a week, 2xs a month, every few months. When I drank, there was a switch inside of me and that switch did not lead to anything good.

For me, what has helped when the AV is strong and I want to drink is to come here, chat, post, contact other friends, find something to do, exercise. I cannot, even for a moment, entertain the notion of drinking. One little crack and it's on full force. Once it's full force, it's harder to get past. Not impossible, of course, but why allow it to reach that point?

SR is great for support. There are people in chat who listen, you can post and get responses. Sometimes, being able to work out the thoughts and get other opinions or support helps a lot.

Hey Countrysidegirl, hang in there.

Im day 3 and in the same county as you!

I think you will find a lot of us here also suffer from some co-morbid disorder. For me it is social anxiety, generalized anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. Yes, while I was a full on alcoholic they seemed to diminish. I didn't really celebrate that, as I figured the issues had just taken care of themselves. Ha. Little did I know.
When I went on the sober train the first time, they came flying out of the closet and I could barely talk to another human. I would look at their feet instead of face. I went to the doctor and went on Paxil and was also given Xanax. I didn't find the Paxil so great - it made me very flat. But I didn't have attacks, so I guessed it was working. I grew tired of the flats, and found that if I just DRANK then I would get that good old warm feeling again. I quit the Paxil, and then was just Xanax and alcohol. Fall off the wagon #1. #2 I thought I was ready for. I had panic pills, and was dead set I was going sober. I lasted three months.
The cycle went on and on. I also gained weight on Paxil, and gained weight when I was drinking.
Finally admitting none of it was working and that my life was uncontrollable did it for me.
I made a real sober plan, visited the doctor, went on new meds, and I have been healthy and sober for 5 months now. For me I think it's been the mix of meds, exercise, diet, and also being completely honest about myself, my alcoholism, and everything else in my life. I don't have the urge to drink on most days. I have been wary of going places with temptation though I have faced it.
I think a lot of people here can relate to worrying about their disorders when they are no longer medicated by alcohol. The best thing I ever did was finally admit to the doctor I was an alcoholic - he completely switched my meds, and there are no side effects so far except a good night of sleep (for me this is about 5 hours, I used to use alcohol to get blackout sleeps, but those were hardly refreshing). I'd take 4 clean sleep hours any day over the blackout sleeps. I am far more functional and even adventurous in meeting new people and socializing. I am slowly entering the world again at my own pace, and it's ok.
You can do this too. AA isn't for everyone, but it is for me right now - I don't know that it will be my whole life, but for now it works. I avoid the doom and gloom meetings. I find the open meetings more uplifting. The closed meetings seem to be where the alcohologs come out to cry.
Good luck, and there are many people here for you!

So good to see you back and trying again, Charlotte. I'd missed you! xxx

Welcome back Charlotte!! :)

Hi Charlotte,

I think you are making very good decisions. Swimming, any kind of serious exercise, is a great help mentally and physically. Also the support group you plan to attend sounds like it could be very helpful to you. You can get well, and we are here to support you.

Welcome bk CSG

Welcome back, you can do this!