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Finally Scared

Old 05-31-2015, 12:55 AM
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Finally Scared

I'm 29, started drinking heavily around 14. The only excuse I can offer is a really complex family situation. My father was an alcoholic and died right after he spent two years in the can, face down in a motel with a needle sticking out of his arm. My Mother was mentally ill, and they both died at 42, same year (coincidentally).

I have a wonderful wife that has put up with all of it... week after week, helping me into bed because I'm slouched over... somewhere..... in the house.

Anyway, I recently had a full health panel and told the doctor I have been regularly consuming 30-40 beers a week for the last decade. It was supposed to be my intervention... my AHA! moment. The doc pressed on my liver and it hurt, and then told me it was the "40 beers talking back to me". But the health panel results proved I was as healthy as any 30 year old could hope to be, with the liver and kidneys being very normal in their ranges.

I think it has backfired, because I was certain there was some type of liver damage. Where the doc pressed, ended up being gastritis.

I got drunk last week and blacked out... urinated in a closet and woke up in bed thinking nothing happened. My wife was devastated... I vowed to quit (for the one-hundredth time). Seven days later I could not think about anything but getting a drink. It has been getting worse and I think I've been running with the fact that since there is no damage now according the the health panel, that maybe I'm immune?

Today I had two beers, which I never do. It was not even the alcohol... I had such a craving for the taste of beer, that as soon as it hit my tounge my heart rate decreased and the anxiety went away. I felt normal, and I was not even buzzed.

Any recommendations? I've quit before (which spanned 8 months), but never have had such cravings after only one week. Does it sound like addiction? I think I am addicted and only after a week do I start getting the insatiable cravings that drive me mad and cause me to give in.
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Old 05-31-2015, 01:02 AM
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Hi,
You sound a lot like my husband. He has described what you describe - that he NEEDS to have the taste of beer after a certain amount of time, and that only after that can he relax and calm down.

Anyways, it does sound like an addiction because of your cravings. Cravings typify addiction. And although your health panel may be normal, there seem to be other maladaptive behaviors going on caused by your drinking (urinating in the closet, for example).

Hope you develop greater clarity about the situation, for your sake and your wife's.
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Old 05-31-2015, 01:15 AM
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Well, good to know I'm not alone (and I mean that in the least offensive way).

I' have managed to explain the urinating in the closet away and my wife does not buy it. She comes from alcoholic parents and never really dealt with it.

Anyway, I said that I probably blacked out because I drove close to 500 miles that day, then did another 2 hours of yard work after we got home. I had about 2 hours sleep in a 48 hour period. I've never lost my bladder like that but she maintained no excuse, and the "I've had enough" attitude. She wants to help, but because she hates her parents so much for alcoholism, I think her lack of sensitivity fuels my problems.

Do I sound like a typical drunk yet?
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Old 05-31-2015, 01:33 AM
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" Do I sound like a typical drunk yet? " .. We can not judge.. You are the best judge for that.. The very reason, you are posting here , means, you have acknowledged the problem.. The severity of problem, is very relative and depends to person to person and situation to situation.

There is one universal truth , though. Alcohol addiction, Alcohol dependence, Alcohol problem or Alcoholism, whatever we might call it... It is progressive. The various stages of damages, happen at various time for different people.. But it happens for sure.. Sooner or later.. Having a healthy liver after decades of drinking , has no guarantee that suddenly, liver function indicators would never de-rail..

Regarding your perceived in-sensitivity shown by your wife is , nothing but, her natural behavior of any human being to show hatred towards a substance, which might have, ruined her parents life and might have deprived her of many things, as a growing child. She does not hate her alcoholic parents, in reality. She hates alcohol.

Do you want , same thing to happen to your children ?

Be on SR. Keep Posting.. Seek support from AA, 12 step, Life ring, Rational Recovery, AVRT , anything which helps.

Alcohol will do its job. Eventually .. The sooner , it gets arrested, the better it will be.

All the best.
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Old 05-31-2015, 02:20 AM
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You know.... It's possible for alcohol to kill you without your liver getting any damage at all. If you're drinking and driving while in a blackout well.... you know that can kill more than just you.

If you vomit after drinking that alone can kill you.

Or, maybe it'll just make your life bleak enough that just kill yourself and be done with it.

Are you an alcoholic? Doesn't matter imho. What matters is can you decide to stop getting drunk and make the decision stick. If you can then good luck to you. I couldn't. I had to make sure I never had a drink again.
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Old 05-31-2015, 02:40 AM
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I know it, and very well. When I was 15, I almost lost my life by being on my back and unable to turn to the side whilst vomiting... I managed to get the vomit out instead of choking, somehow. I have also been through a DUI. Far from the worst night of my life though. Spent 24 hours in a confined space with 50 other folks and contracted a severe illness afterwards. A week later, I was riding my bike to the bar after losing my license. In other words, there have been many close calls with death, and I wonder if there is anyone out there like me, who just can't learn, or make it stick. Perhaps I'm just too weak to muddle through my realities, I don't know. I could write a novel about what I've been through. Things average people can't even imagine. I'd probably have been better off exposed to war, but yes... I get it. No excuse to drink, yet one is made... every time
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Old 05-31-2015, 03:42 AM
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I think you're probably not as hopeless as you think you are. I've seen a lot of people with similar problems to you on this forum and in real life and many of them get better.

Remember, each time you try and fail is practise. You only need to succeed the once.

What are you trying / do you think you could try ?
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:00 AM
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Hi.
I as an alcoholic had a lot of your thinking process while I drank.
I needed to stop and was taught that 1st I had to get honest with myself about MY drinking AND accept the fact that I could not drink in safety one day at a time in a row.
Alcoholism is progressive, powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. It will grab us and won’t let go until we stop using it or we are dead, in prison or an institution.
When we are ready and want to be sober will be an amazing part of our life if we let it be.

BE WELL
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:33 AM
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Originally Posted by 765420 View Post
with the liver and kidneys being very normal in their ranges.
The shrink told me that only about 20% of alcoholics die of health problems, the rest are from accidental death like auto accidents and or od's etc..
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:48 AM
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From my experience, health problems from drinking more typically have a very quick onset without a lot of red flags. Everything is simply working fine until it has had enough. Alcohol also damages every organ of the body, and I find the damage it does to the brain to be the most worrisome to me.
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Old 05-31-2015, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by 765420 View Post
IPerhaps I'm just too weak to muddle through my realities, I don't know. I could write a novel about what I've been through. Things average people can't even imagine. I'd probably have been better off exposed to war, but yes... I get it. No excuse to drink, yet one is made... every time
You're not too weak. You just haven't learnt effective strategies for coping with it. Lots of us have learnt really rubbish ways to deal with the thing we hate - REALITY. When we drink, our perception of it alters and we feel we can cope with it, but it tend to just cause even more problems which we then want to drink away, and we get stuck in a vicious cycle. You can escape from that cycle if you want to. As long as you're prepared to work for it.

I managed to kick it for a month (dry drunk I suppose). No alcohol, but no other way to deal with reality. I honestly thought I was going nuts. Then I joined AA and started to learn how to cope with reality without having to hide from it using my pink fuzzy alcoholic haze. The 12-step program is helping me work past my fears; resentments; anxiety and learn new strategies for coping with life. All my old friends drink heavily a bit like I did, so it's been great to meet other people who don't drink as well (who'd have thought there were so many sober people knocking about eh!!)


Good luck.
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Old 05-31-2015, 06:22 AM
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765420, we all have been there, done that... Do not loose hope.. People recover.. Everyday.. You will recover too.. Keep trying.. Keep posting on SR.
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Old 05-31-2015, 06:25 AM
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When I was serious about quitting drinking I got serious about quitting drinking.

For me that meant 4 months of Intensive Outpatient Therapy followed up with AA 6 time per week.

Quitting drink is not rocket science but it is a lot of work and commitment. When i was beat into submission I got serious and got sober
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Old 05-31-2015, 08:07 AM
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Don't let the blood panel fool you or lull you into thinking it doesn't catch up. Been there done that. 2 years ago I had a physical and everything checked out perfect. 2 years later I'm now on blood pressure medicine, have to get a liver ultrasound, have a low platelet count, low vitamin D, and very high LDL cholesterol. All of which are linked directly to drinking excessively.

Knowing what I know now, I realize how much of a waste of time, money, and health the last 15 years have been. If I could turn the clock back I would do things quite a bit differently.

The problem with bodies and substance abuse is everyone is unique and we all have our own weak spots. You don't know what yours is until it catches up to you. I had a coworker get throat cancer in his late 40's because he drank straight whisky for many years. Livers are incredibly resilient but unfortunately when things start going awry it happens really quick with limited warning signs.

If you are truly concerned about your health and what alcohol may be doing to it, don't wait until you get the blood work you have been fearing. It's not worth it. Scared the heck out of me. That's for sure.
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Old 05-31-2015, 11:51 AM
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How much damage alcohol can cause to the body depends on a lot of factors, but don't let the fact that you got a "clean bill of health" fool you. You're still young, so there's that- but if you keep up with what you've been doing there will be health consequences. None of them are good: pancreatitis, cirrhosis, heart problems, high blood pressure and increased heart attack/stroke risk, increased cancer risk... It can and will catch up with you. The fact that you're still young is probably the reason that the damage has been apparently minimal. I wouldn't for a second think you're "immune" to alcohol's ill effects, or fishing in the same pond as Keith Richards. Put a stop to it while you can.
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Old 05-31-2015, 12:22 PM
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You should make an effort to quit for good. 30-40 beers a week, blackouts, etc., these are all signs of out of control drinking. You're not going to be a "normal" drinker however you want to define that. You won't be able to control it either, at least never with any degree of certainty.

It has to be an all or nothing proposition in my experience, are you ready to give it up for good? Sounds like it has turned your life into a nightmare so why hang onto it, a clean bill of health for the moment doesn't mean much a few years down the road when your liver has been assaulted with the stuff a lot more.
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:02 PM
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Hi and welcome

a good result now doesn't necessarily means it's always going to be good. My 30s were the decade in which I realised I was not immortal.

Things can and do get worse very quickly. We really hammer our bodies and our minds drinking like we do.

That gastritis for example is probably going to get worse.

Even if you don;t accept what I'm saying will happen to you - and you're free to think that - do you really want to be that guy blacking out and peeing in closets,....or worse...(and believe me it can get a whole lot worse)

I'm thinking not?

D
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:10 PM
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Well, sounds like you have crossed the invisible line. Once I had crossed that line, I never really enjoyed drinking after. But kept going for another 10 years. Worst time of my life. I barely remember any of it. Our Time on this earth is very short my friend.

Pissing time away, pissing money away, pissing our health away. Illogical, addiction is.
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:17 PM
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Only someone horribly addicted would have so many red flags staring them in the face but ignore them all in favour of the fact that his liver is still working.
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Old 06-01-2015, 11:04 AM
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Welcome to the Forum!!
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