Not to be a bummer but...
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Geesh Art. You can have my family--I can't get them to stop calling with their drama. Seriously, the kids only want something they don't want to work for and siblings want me to take sides against other family. I don't even WANT to answer the phone and sometimes don't.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thanks for your support everyone. It means quite a lot to me. I meant to say "goodnight" not "goodbye" in my OP. I logged off after I posted.
I know I need to accept the fact that my family is a "dud" like Dee said. The back story on this concerns the fact that I did not choose to have my mother's cremains interred in Minnesota as the family wanted. My mother moved away from them the night she graduated high school and never returned. She lived her entire life in Michigan, so that is where I choose to bury her. (She never made her wishes explicitly known, but I am fairly positive this was the best choice). She is with my sister and dad. So, because of this, the MN family (which is the majority of my family) have kicked me to the curb.
Another reason I chose to bury my mom in Michigan as opposed to Minnesota is that when she was so very ill and I was caring for her here in Dallas, not one of her sisters/brothers came to help or visit. Mom was Baylor hospital for 80 days. No one came. So that tells you a lot there.
Anyway... as for me, I still trip up on this issue. I am working on it with my therapist, but it I've only been to her 2 times now. I think the fact that I am estranged from my 2 brothers also plays into it. Today my nephew is getting married. I was supposed to have gone (it's been planned for over a year) but I was un-invited by my nephew due to the estrangement with my brother. I had the plane tickets already when I got to news. Sigh.
I am not only on the outs with my brothers, but their children as well. So basically no family. My sister never had kids, like me. It is surreal to think all these people are out there and I am twisting in the wind.
I know I need to accept the fact that my family is a "dud" like Dee said. The back story on this concerns the fact that I did not choose to have my mother's cremains interred in Minnesota as the family wanted. My mother moved away from them the night she graduated high school and never returned. She lived her entire life in Michigan, so that is where I choose to bury her. (She never made her wishes explicitly known, but I am fairly positive this was the best choice). She is with my sister and dad. So, because of this, the MN family (which is the majority of my family) have kicked me to the curb.
Another reason I chose to bury my mom in Michigan as opposed to Minnesota is that when she was so very ill and I was caring for her here in Dallas, not one of her sisters/brothers came to help or visit. Mom was Baylor hospital for 80 days. No one came. So that tells you a lot there.
Anyway... as for me, I still trip up on this issue. I am working on it with my therapist, but it I've only been to her 2 times now. I think the fact that I am estranged from my 2 brothers also plays into it. Today my nephew is getting married. I was supposed to have gone (it's been planned for over a year) but I was un-invited by my nephew due to the estrangement with my brother. I had the plane tickets already when I got to news. Sigh.
I am not only on the outs with my brothers, but their children as well. So basically no family. My sister never had kids, like me. It is surreal to think all these people are out there and I am twisting in the wind.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I hear you, Art. But it is clear that you did what was right with your mother's ashes. I am terribly sorry that your brothers and nephew are so petty.
It will hurt you, definitely--but maybe good riddance to bad rubbish? You don't need to be continually bowing and scraping to people whm you cannot ever please.
It will hurt you, definitely--but maybe good riddance to bad rubbish? You don't need to be continually bowing and scraping to people whm you cannot ever please.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I think you are right Gilmer. I think I will have to say goodbye to these folks...and it does hurt. I feel like I have lost so many people... that is very hard on me. But it is necessary.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello Art:
Why don't YOU cut THEM off, not the other way around? They are not good for your recovery because all they do is bring you drama. I am my father's youngest and only daughter and he NEVER calls me. NEVER. He didn't come to my high school graduation (eventhough I still lived in the same city), my wedding, my daughter's birth. I don't get a call for bdays, Mother's Day, Christmas.... Nothing. I still send him pics of my daughter (email) and he never replies. It doesn't hurt me anymore because I do not expect him to ever reply. It is what it is. People ask me "why do you still send him pics, or email him on Father's Day or bday?". Well, I don't want to be like that. I send him stuff but I don't expect a reply and that way I am not hurt. My husband still gets mad when I include my dad, but I don't care. It makes me feel good to include him but not expect anything in return. He didn't even call me when he came to the States on business and he has been here several times.
Do your own thing Art. You are a wonderful person with a lot to give. Your AV is loving and milking it. Don't let it.
I forgot to mention that when I go back to my country of origin and see him, he acts normal. So weird.
Why don't YOU cut THEM off, not the other way around? They are not good for your recovery because all they do is bring you drama. I am my father's youngest and only daughter and he NEVER calls me. NEVER. He didn't come to my high school graduation (eventhough I still lived in the same city), my wedding, my daughter's birth. I don't get a call for bdays, Mother's Day, Christmas.... Nothing. I still send him pics of my daughter (email) and he never replies. It doesn't hurt me anymore because I do not expect him to ever reply. It is what it is. People ask me "why do you still send him pics, or email him on Father's Day or bday?". Well, I don't want to be like that. I send him stuff but I don't expect a reply and that way I am not hurt. My husband still gets mad when I include my dad, but I don't care. It makes me feel good to include him but not expect anything in return. He didn't even call me when he came to the States on business and he has been here several times.
Do your own thing Art. You are a wonderful person with a lot to give. Your AV is loving and milking it. Don't let it.
I forgot to mention that when I go back to my country of origin and see him, he acts normal. So weird.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thanks Now - I am sorry about your father. That is odd that he doesn't respond to anything and yet is OK when you go abroad. Does the fact that you live in the states have anything to do with it??
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
No, he was the same way what I lived in the same country and city as him... It hurt my mother SO much, but I just grew out of being upset about it. I am turning 35 next week and I am learning not to let others affect me so deep down. He is my father, he should love me, but relationships are built in interactions, not just bloodlines. It was a great source of pain when I was younger but I libetrated myself by not having expectations. Plus now I feel that it is his loss to miss out his granddaughter's life. I don't dwell on it. There's no use.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
It didn't happen over night. I had to really step out of myself and evaluate the situation for what is was. Now that you are aware you can start changing your thought and feeling better. Who cares about these people, ultimately, this is your life. The way I saw it was that I was spending all this time feeling crappy what he was just going about his day. I didn't want to keep poisoning myself with those feelings. We only hurt ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 6,666
Hi ArtFriend. I seen that in the news, hope you are doing ok. Yes I can relate.
After they stole my money and baited me into a few arguments to wit, I was homeless then.
No phone calls to see how I was. Christmas came and went, nothing. My 30th birthday passed, nada.
I've come to the same conclusion that I did as a young boy, that I'm better off without them.
After they stole my money and baited me into a few arguments to wit, I was homeless then.
No phone calls to see how I was. Christmas came and went, nothing. My 30th birthday passed, nada.
I've come to the same conclusion that I did as a young boy, that I'm better off without them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Expectations of family members can be difficult!!
I've stopped expecting to be honest, soo many times I would depend on family members in the past and got disappointed, I now run my own life and if someone does what they said they would do or make contact, then great, if not, then I'm gonna keep truckin' on my own path!!
Hang in there Art!!
I've stopped expecting to be honest, soo many times I would depend on family members in the past and got disappointed, I now run my own life and if someone does what they said they would do or make contact, then great, if not, then I'm gonna keep truckin' on my own path!!
Hang in there Art!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I'm sorry, Artfriend. Just know that you are much loved and appreciated here! You did what was right for your mother, and if people want to cut you off for that, it is their loss. I know it's painful though. Sending much love and healing thoughts your way.
Do you have any close friends you can spend time with? Building your own family with healthy people helps. xoxo
Do you have any close friends you can spend time with? Building your own family with healthy people helps. xoxo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Again, thank you so much for your wonderful support! It's ironic that people here on the forum are more understanding and empathetic than my own peeps. I feel the love!
As far as friends go, since I have made these changes, many friends have fallen by the wayside. I do have a couple tried and true friends that are golden. I just need to expand my support system now.
Of course there are my BFFs - my kitties. I think they are saying "OMG! Are you really going to wear those shoes?"
As far as friends go, since I have made these changes, many friends have fallen by the wayside. I do have a couple tried and true friends that are golden. I just need to expand my support system now.
Of course there are my BFFs - my kitties
. I think they are saying "OMG! Are you really going to wear those shoes?"
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Saw this yesterday, and made me think of you.
"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The one who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what."
"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The one who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what."
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Missouri
Posts: 515
Wow, this is a really powerful thread. I was sitting here (middle of the night) thinking about how messed up my family situation is when I came upon this thread. My husband's side is estranged due to family money. That's a pathetic way to live. I could tell some unbelievable stories about his family. My side is just strange! Every time I talk to my sister on the phone, I end up upset for hours! I've never known anyone to complain like that. So I rarely talk to her at all and when I feel guilty and call, she complains that I don't call! LOL! Anyway, the comments here are great. My "family" is made up of a couple close friends. It does hurt though that families can get so messed up. I'm twisting in the wind here too. Although kinda depressing, thanks AF and others for the comments. Perfect timing for me cause I was feeling quite bad.
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