sectownkid

wow. I have disappeared from these forums for months and made another journey into the dark side. and guess what, it still sucks. I actually woke up in someones apartment, I guess I just walked in there drunk and passed out. I woke up in someones car. And for all the "good times" there are just as many nightmarish memories of demonic version of me. Why do I get so evil? I feel myself changing when I drink. It's so bizarre. I literally turn into another personality, my voice gets a LOT deeper and I become condescending and sarcastic.. and find that grotesque and violent imagery is flooding my brain. I believe it's spiritual. I don't know man I really love what alcohol does for me. I like that feeling and the lifestyle has become a huge part of me. It's just so hard to imagine life without a beer in my hand, and when I try to control it I am always changing and revising my "limits" I set for myself, to the point where it becomes an obsession and drinking is all I think about. What is wrong with me? I want a better and sober life but it's so hard to let go of it.

Today was the sobering up day and it was brutal. still is. I am afraid to go to sleep because I have strong possibility to go into sleep paralasys when I sober up, where I literally see and hear demons around me, black eyed children with no mouths and I cant move. Time for change. I need to do this. I got a kid now.. any advice or someone who can relate to the situation Im in I would appreciate it.,

I wish I knew more sober young people. Seems like every twenty something around me drinks. Anyways, long story and I'm just ranting and raving. Peace

Dee74

Hey sectownkid - welcome back.
It's hard to quit when you think you still love getting messed up.

Think about your kid tho - is a messed up guy who wakes up in other peoples houses cars or gardens really the dad you want to be?

D

CaseyW

Glad you made it back in, sectownkid. Give the light side a chance to shine in your life. I know it's been a better way for me.

FreeOwl

I had that sleep paralysis / demon thing once too... It was the most horrifying experience I've ever had in my sleep.

Probably no coincidence it was part of an alcohol and cocaine binge.

I can understand the allure of 'the life'....

But - it's a lie. It's a twisted lie that will only rob you of everything that's really important to you in life..... Including your truest Self.

I'm glad you're here and I hope you'll grab onto sobriety with all you've got.

Get some time and distance from the booZe and you'll see clearly again.

BBQBOY

Sectownkid,
Have you thought about attending some out patient counseling. I'm in a IOP (intensive out-patient) therapy right now. It has really helped me and I can go after work. Maybe google for some info. on IOP's in your area and go in for an assessment. It is a good place to start.....Best wishes.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back SectownKid. I'd also recommend looking at some professional treatment of sorts, you are endangering the welfare of your son and yourself. The feelings you have toward alcohol are purely addiction fueled, there is nothing "spiritual" about getting drunk - it's simply a drug.

Serenidad

I too turn into a completely different person when I drink. I hate that person and it's not me! That's why I quit! I believe alcohol is evil too! BUT God is stronger than evil. Do you pray? Even if you don't believe in God, just praying to a higher power of some sort has really helped me. Hang in there!

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, sectownkid. Hope that your sleep is peaceful and 'uneventful'; sleep paralysis sounds frightening.

I hope that you give sobriety a really good chance this time - seek support (AA, counseling, IOP); read and post often here at SR; make a solid and firm personal commitment to sobriety (acknowledge that alcohol has nothing of true value in your life, accept that moderation is not possible for an alcoholic, make your home a safe place by permanently removing all alcohol).

There is truly a better way to life, sectownkid, exponentially better; hope you give it a real chance. I have found that sobriety is better than I ever dreamed possible.

hopscotch123

Sleep Paralysis is horrible. I never had the feeling of someone else in the room but just being able to see your bed/pillow and not move is terrible.

As what FreeOwl said, I only got it from a coke or mdma binge.