eastboundndown

It began after my gf just up and left me a month before she graduated and we were moving in together. It continued because every time I was sober (opiates, benzos btw) all the feelings, pain, anger, and depression continued so I continued to use.
See, my future was planned out. I graduated, she would graduate and then WE would continue. It's been 5 years and I still have no direction other than to meet a drug dealer and go to work to pay for said drugs.

I've stayed sober for a while, I've gone back and forth.

I just can't get past her. I can't get past the 'forever' we had planned and have one for myself. I've been in two relationships since and they both ended horribly because I was too afraid to care. I just wanted someone around. I'm the guy who called his then current gf by his ex'es name.

So I guess there are two parts of this question:
When you make the mistake I made and had everything planned out and achieved the goals I set for myself and now I just feel like I live in a filthy world where all we do is work to pay bills what do I do? What are my goals now? I can't very well make it a goal to find someone to love because, let's be real, it just doesn't work that way.

and second, with me being powerless over these drugs, how does one empower themselves? especially when they are haunted by the past and doesn't see a future (have goals, friends, kids, spouse, etc).

Dee74

Having had a broken heart more than once, I think the answer there is you move on, and eventually you find someone else.

As to how you empower yourself - if you feel you can;t stop drinking by yourself what about chasing up one of the recovery groups like AA or SMART etc....you could also find an addictions counsellor...failing that, rehab?

The important factor is change. Change what you're doing, leave the booze behind you and you'll find the power east - truly.

eastboundndown

"move on"? I have to laugh because it's been five years, I think I would have done that already. I enjoy being alone, but I can't be single. I've always been pretty self destructive when I'm single. I suppose that's a sign that I'm not really happy with myself or love myself?

Dee74

I think a lot of us feel that way eastbound.

For me I couldn't start to explore my past or fix myself while I was drinking...I needed to be sober.

If drinking is your way of dealing with all that, it rough - but it's a leap of faith...more of the same or a chance at something better?

D

eastboundndown

That's what I always tell myself while I'm clean and in the 'pumped up' mode. I say that, I get to start a completely new life and it's actually invigorating. Until, I start trying to build that 'brand new life' and nothing happens and it's just pretty much still the same except I'm not using. As a functioning addict, that means (to me anyway) that it's still exactly the same. I just don't see what there is out there. I used to love to work out, but now I just don't see the point. You could probably say that about every hobby, task, etc that I used to do...That I just don't see the point.

eastboundndown

Yes, when I withdraw the mind**** for me isn't cravings; it's hoplessness and the Biggie- Not being able to find enjoyment/pleasure in ANYTHING.

Notimetoloose

IMO, and this is my opinion and what has worked for me.
Moving on is hard if you are continuing to drink or use...the very nature of drinking and using perpetuates an artificial head space and prolongs our pain, in fact long term use and alcohol produces unnecessary recycled pain ...in order to heal we need to get straight.
Getting straight allows me reality in all its glory and misery. It is the starting point, from there we can recovery, be it grief for the loss of a loved one, a heartbreak or feeling unloved.
It is not easy and it takes practice to be straight, life on life's terms.

doggonecarl

I can't tell you what your goals should be. But I can say that as long as you use, you won't achieve anything beyond the drug-driven hamster wheel you are running around now. So make you goal getting and staying clean and sober and a world of opportunities present themselves.

You are powerless over drugs, not powerless over working the recovery you need to get your life in order. You're mired in the past, mired in the safety of your drug use. You're not powerless over getting off your duff and doing something about it...but it becomes a handy excuse to do nothing.

ArtFriend

Gee Carl, don't mince words

Eastbound - I sounds to me like you are in a major depression, compounded by drugs. Have you ever thought about seeing a doctor who could give you something for the depression? That would give you a toe-hold while you work on getting clean.

WhoDey

Eastbound ... I went through something very similar. I had a relationship not go the direction I thought it should go and was devastated. More than that ... I was left without direction or motivation.

I second the recommendation to see someone about your depression. You've been through a traumatic event and it's okay to get help. Same with the substance abuse. You know deep down that you can't make progress until you get this under control.

Ultimately, I made progress when I found something bigger ... and outside of myself ... to which to devote my energy and passion. I had to get out of my head and out of my own way. It makes sense now, but it took me a long time to get to that point.

Thanks for posting.