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Old 05-27-2015, 01:34 PM
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(((ArtFriend)))

So sorry about the horrible flooding, destruction, and loss of life happening in Houston. It saddens me you feel alone. I know drinking can all to often seem to offer a reasonable choice to ease our pains. I've in the past also drank to make "it all go away" too. Of course, nothing goes away, and things go from bad to worse.

I have every hope you will quit again asap. And I hope you can discover a strategy to not feel so alone. No upside to feeling bad about being alone. Reaching out is not easy, but very doable, even when it seems really tough to do so, at those times is when its actually the most important times to reach out.

You are in my thoughts and prayers ArtFriend.
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Old 05-27-2015, 02:27 PM
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You are in my thoughts.
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Old 05-27-2015, 02:31 PM
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ArtFriend, I wonder exactly the same thing sometimes - why doesn't my Dad call me? Why doesn't my Grandfather? They just don't, that's why. They suck. It still hurts even in my 30's. My husband couldn't figure out why they never call. I couldn't explain it. "That's just the way they are" is the best I could explain it. They act like the care when I visit them. Makes no sense.

Sorry you drank, AF. It isn't worth drinking over though. Don't let other people do that to you.

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Old 05-27-2015, 02:31 PM
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I get it. I used to work very close to the finish line of the Boston Marathon, and was at work when the bombing took place. I did hear from some people, mostly friends. I was shocked by the lack of outreach by most of my family.

I'm thinking about you folks during this horrible time.
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Old 05-27-2015, 05:20 PM
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Dear ArtFriend,
I do get what you're saying in your original post. I've lost count of the number of times I've been in the midst of, or just on the border of, major natural disasters (and man-made, too), especially when I lived in Gippsland - a very large region of mountains, plains, rivers, millions of acres of forests (bush) and farming lands, plus a long ocean coastline with occasional king tides, all prone to both wildfire and floods. Sometimes, such things would happen several times in one year. Everyone living in the midst and in surrounding nearby areas all felt the impacts.

Family calling to see how I was? Sometimes....and sometimes, not. The worst of the latter was during and just after Black Saturday 2009 (massive deadly fires, with many many deaths, over many parts of our State, including my local part of Gippsland, barely a few miles from my town. The home my kids and I had once lived in out of town, years before, was in the midst of the fire ground...).

I'd heard nothing from my kids - who were living in the city 200 miles away - during all this. It was ALL OVER the news that day and then for weeks and months afterward. So I texted or emailed both of them to tell them what was unfolding. Turns out they were sunbaking (in 47C degrees heat!!!) on a city beach, totally oblivious like most in the city. When they finally replied, it was (vivid memory) along the lines of 'God, Mum, you're such a drama queen! You get off on this stuff, don't you?!'............................................ ...........

A few months later, when they were staying one weekend with me, I drove them out to the firegrounds to show them (including our old home,l one of the few still standing). Virtually all our old neighbours' homes had gone completely, and some people had died further up our very road. Even then, my kids - and their mate who came with us, all of them just off 30 y.o., so not clueless teenagers - made it clear they didn't want to see it. 'Too depressing'. They just wanted us to go back home, so they could mess about on Facebook and check their mobiles, eat and drink and watch movies.

Moral of the story? Most people - if not directly affected - don't want to think about it all. They just don't want to face such things. So, yeah, maybe try not to take it so personally. I did, back then especially. Now, not so much.
xx Vic
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Old 05-27-2015, 05:21 PM
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PS forgot to say AF, yes, we in Aus did see the news of the Texas floods here on our local news sites and TV. So people have no excuse to pretend they don't know. Many just don't want to. Probably modern day compassion fatigue / news overload or something, who knows.
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Old 05-27-2015, 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
No one cares about you? We are having epic flooding here in Texas and people are dying and many have gone missing. The county I live in was just declared a disaster area. Scary stuff. I have not gotten one call/email/text/IM from my family (my huge extended family in MN) so see if I am OK. They all know I live alone. I guess I could be missing or dead and they would not care. I just feel quite sad about this. So sad in fact that I drank last night. I was tired and alone, two of the HALT acronym.

I know what people are thinking... why does she let other people dictate the way shes feels. I get that. Sorry.
A major aspect of my path to sobriety was discovering that I was afraid of solitude. I learned in childhood to become dependent on people, places, and things to distract myself from MY feelings of being alone!
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Old 05-27-2015, 06:19 PM
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Thank you all very much! And I mean that. It saddens me to learn that others share my story, but it also reminds me that I am not alone.

I think we all live life with a "lens" based on experience but also based on personality traits, inherent or learned or both. In my case, I think I must have been born a person who always thinks of others first, even to my own detriment. I am highly aware of what other people think, feel etc.

Just a small example. When I was about 12 years old I had paper route. One of my customers was a woman who had elephantitis (extreme swelling of the legs). I felt so badly for her. She said she rarely got outside because she needed a wheelchair and couldn't afford one. So part of my delivery route were businesses. I decided to see if I could collect enough donations from the businesses to get her a used wheelchair. I finally gathered enough money to get her the chair, but come to realize, she was too frightened to go outside, wheelchair or not. I was devastated. Not because I spent all that effort on her, but that I wasn't able to help her in a way she needed.

So I guess I expect people to be the same way and when it is not reciprocated, I get hurt. Over and over. Some say I am a martyr... I get off on feeling that people have failed me. I don't agree. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations... but they are mine. I cannot be something else. I don't know if this makes any sense to you all. I am trying to explain myself, but to what end I don't know.

Thanks for listening and responding. I am sorry if this sounds smarmy or phony. It is not.
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Old 05-27-2015, 06:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Iconoclastic View Post
A major aspect of my path to sobriety was discovering that I was afraid of solitude.
+1 for this. I still struggle with that and sometimes the feelings of loneliness are intense.
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Old 05-27-2015, 09:02 PM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
Thank you all very much! And I mean that. It saddens me to learn that others share my story, but it also reminds me that I am not alone.

I think we all live life with a "lens" based on experience but also based on personality traits, inherent or learned or both. In my case, I think I must have been born a person who always thinks of others first, even to my own detriment. I am highly aware of what other people think, feel etc.

Just a small example. When I was about 12 years old I had paper route. One of my customers was a woman who had elephantitis (extreme swelling of the legs). I felt so badly for her. She said she rarely got outside because she needed a wheelchair and couldn't afford one. So part of my delivery route were businesses. I decided to see if I could collect enough donations from the businesses to get her a used wheelchair. I finally gathered enough money to get her the chair, but come to realize, she was too frightened to go outside, wheelchair or not. I was devastated. Not because I spent all that effort on her, but that I wasn't able to help her in a way she needed.

So I guess I expect people to be the same way and when it is not reciprocated, I get hurt. Over and over. Some say I am a martyr... I get off on feeling that people have failed me. I don't agree. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations... but they are mine. I cannot be something else. I don't know if this makes any sense to you all. I am trying to explain myself, but to what end I don't know.

Thanks for listening and responding. I am sorry if this sounds smarmy or phony. It is not.
ArtFriend writes>>> but come to realize, she was too frightened to go outside, wheelchair or not. I was devastated. Not because I spent all that effort on her, but that I wasn't able to help her in a way she needed.<<<

Is it possible that your kindness helped her? The simple saying “it’s the thought that counts” has a lot of power. I’ve gotten presents that didn’t follow my taste, but and a BIG BUT, it was the gesture that counted.

I was raised Roman Catholic. The two Judeo-Christian teachings I’ve taken away from my former faith that I try to practice is MY free will of being responsible for the choices I make. That true giving, is giving without expecting anything in return, including a thank you.

I suspect that most adults would come to the aid of young children and adolescents; in general society seems to place a higher value on children, but I must remind myself that many adults to some extent are emotionally childlike, ACoA is a prime example, so coming to their aid for me shouldn't be any different than aid to a child. Tolerance is the key, but tolerance begins with me being tolerant of myself.

I attempt to help others recover from addiction, which is giving of myself. BUT, I don’t have any expectations, due to carrying the message and not the alcohol addict. The message is MY message based on MY experience. There’s ONLY one way I can do this and I wrote about it on any other thread titled “Don’t fit in to AA” it goes like this… As an AA fellowship member, I'm not a follower or a leader, I'm a solo affair. I'm not any more concerned with whom I carry the recovery message to than who I don't. This approach to carrying the message is first person singular sharing which is suggested in the AA textbook, Chapter 7, Working With Others. The "WE's" and the "You's" and the "US's" i.e. giving advice usually doesn't work and sometimes it's toxic, as evidence by some AA fellowship meetings. These meetings don't follow the suggestions in Chapter 7. Either others relate to me or they don't and I don't waste my time with those that don't relate.
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Old 05-27-2015, 09:11 PM
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I'm sorry you feel alone and like your family doesn't care. I feel the same way about my family...like they don't care. I have felt that way almost my entire life so I just have lowered my expectations down to the bare bones. I never "expect" them to give a crap so I am never "let down" or hurt. It's easier for me that way. They are all very self-centered people. If I died, they probably wouldn't know either...especially my dad! He's too busy flying all over the world making millions.

As far as loneliness, that's a huge trigger for me too. I have been finding that going to a few AA meetings each week just to be around people who truly understand me and care really has helped. I missed a meeting I usually go to today and several people called and texted me to make sure I was ok. I swear it seems like people in AA care more about me than my bio family!

Anyway...hang in there. For what it's worth...I care about you. :-)
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Old 05-28-2015, 01:37 AM
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I just heard about the floods very recently, too. For whatever reason my mental image of Texas is of a dry almost desert-like place. I kind of skipped past the stories at first because it didn't "register" with me...just doesn't seem like a wet place. But of course any place can flood.

I hope you're safe and well, AF. I'm worried that you drank over it, too. A relapse isn't the end of the world but remember that your AV will use any excuse to trick you into drinking. And drinking doesn't make anything better.

Hang in there, AF!
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