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Son of Addicted mother.

Old 05-24-2015, 06:19 PM
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Son of Addicted mother.

Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums. I, myself, am not suffering from an addiction, but I need some help. I should say a little about my life:

I am 22 years old, born in 1992. As far back as I can remember, my mother had always been an alcoholic and on top of that, an abuser of opiate drugs. From what my father has told me, she also drank and used drugs while pregnant with me. I have no known side-effects from that. When I was 3 years old, my mother was nearly sent to prison for forging prescriptions and illegally obtaining drugs. Thankfully, they only gave her probation. After that she began a methadone maintenance program while continuing to drink. Some time around the age of 11 or 12 she somehow got a prescription for xanax from a doctor. From that time until I was about 16 every night would be huge fights between her and my dad. She would be so tranquilized that she would black out mid sentence and could barely walk straight. There were many visits to the ER because she would fall and injure herself. I would try and tell her that it hurt me that she did this to herself and every time she would get EXTREMELY emotional and cry and accuse me of not loving her. This hurt me sooo horribly inside that I had many nights of contemplating suicide and crying alone in my bed. My father was rarely around, he tried to avoid us as much as possible. All of my childhood I was a loner. I rarely talked to people in school, never had girlfriends, never had friends. In high school I would be so sad some days that I just never went. I ran into problems with truancy eventually. But I finally made it to graduation and got my diploma. My mother did not attend my graduation. I could see that it hurt her deeply that she didn't come, so I lied to her and said it was no big deal, but it was a huge deal to me. Near the end of high school her alcoholism and xanax usage became severe (and methadone, but that was controlled by the clinic). One night I woke up to my mother screaming and crying. She wouldn't respond to anything I had to say. I called the ambulance. In the meantime I kept trying to talk to her but she would not respond. And then she just fell back. No sound coming from her at all. I tried to do CPR and after what felt like 30 minutes, she opened her eyes and started screaming again. The ambulance finally got there and took care of her from then. This would go on for several months of her in and out of the emergency room from overdose. The doctors told her that her liver function was very low and it wasn't filtering the alcohol and benzos efficiently. Finally, by the grace of God, she got sober after a particularly violent episode as described above. She has been sober ever since.
Having said that, something is off about me. I am so very happy that she is sober, would give my life to keep it that way, but I have some issues myself. I have EXTREME anxiety, especially social anxiety. Sometimes I skip college courses because I am too afraid to sit in a classroom with other people. I am mortified to go to any public place like the grocery store. I can barely speak when talking to a stranger. Moreover, my self esteem is almost non-existent. I feel inferior to EVERYONE. I know it's not true, but I can't help but feel that way. I am extremely lonely, I have never been on a date with anyone. I am extremely paranoid about things. Especially my mother's sobriety. Over my lifetime, she has tried to sober up, but relapsed. What makes it worse is that she would hide it from me. I would tell her that her pupils are dilated and she is speaking funny and things of that nature, but she would blame it on the methadone. Almost every second the only thing I think about is her relapsing. I feel like I need to see a psychiatrist, but I have no insurance and I live with my parents still. I do not want to hurt my mother by telling her I am going to a shrink. I don't know what to do. My quality of life is very poor. I rarely leave the house, have ended my college education indefinitely, and cannot get a job because of my insecurities. I just don't know what to do. I feel if my mother ever finds out that I am seeking help about this that she would relapse. She relapsed before because of emotional stress. I don't know if I can ever handle another relapse. When she was drinking the feeling I had on a daily basis was....for lack of a better word...evil. I felt numb, no emotion ever. I would cry, but it wouldn't be because I was sad. I don't really know how to describe it. I don't think I can handle that again. Any suggestions would really help.
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:35 PM
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Hi there and welcome !

I just want you to know, I understand everything you are talking about. Both of my parents were alcoholics, as was my sister (who was also a prescription drug addict pharmacist that stole pills while dispensing them). So I know all about that part.

I, too, have severe panic disorder and have has episodes of agoraphobia. I had to take my last semester off of college, because the anxiety was so horrible, I couldn't sit through class.

Can I ask, do you use either drugs or alcohol at present ?
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:36 PM
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I am so very sorry for what you have gone through.

If your mother relapses, it will not be your fault. It will be her choice. Please know that you are not responsible for her sobriety.

Please do seek help for yourself even if you think it will upset your mother. This is your life and you know that you need help in order to get back to school and get a good job. You do not need to give up your life in order to protect your mother.
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:42 PM
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Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
Hi there and welcome !

I just want you to know, I understand everything you are talking about. Both of my parents were alcoholics, as was my sister (who was also a prescription drug addict pharmacist that stole pills while dispensing them). So I know all about that part.

I, too, have severe panic disorder and have has episodes of agoraphobia. I had to take my last semester off of college, because the anxiety was so horrible, I couldn't sit through class.

Can I ask, do you use either drugs or alcohol at present ?
i don't use anything. i am terrified of them to be honest. some times when i am really low i do think about it, but I dont think i will ever go through with it.
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I am so very sorry for what you have gone through.

If your mother relapses, it will not be your fault. It will be her choice. Please know that you are not responsible for her sobriety.

Please do seek help for yourself even if you think it will upset your mother. This is your life and you know that you need help in order to get back to school and get a good job. You do not need to give up your life in order to protect your mother.
I am so scared of her relapsing. I never want to have to deal with that ever again. I don't think she would survive another relapse. If she died because of her addiction it would destroy me.
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:49 PM
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alpha, how do you deal with your anxiety? I am so lonely right now, but any social interaction is like climbing a mountain to me. It isn't enjoyable, I feel so embarrassed at everything I do, and afterward all I think about is how TERRIBLE it was. Then I start feeling lonely again.... right now I just avoid everything as much as possible.
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:55 PM
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Originally Posted by 19cps92 View Post
Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums. I, myself, am not suffering from an addiction, but I need some help. I should say a little about my life:

I am 22 years old, born in 1992. As far back as I can remember, my mother had always been an alcoholic and on top of that, an abuser of opiate drugs. From what my father has told me, she also drank and used drugs while pregnant with me. I have no known side-effects from that. When I was 3 years old, my mother was nearly sent to prison for forging prescriptions and illegally obtaining drugs. Thankfully, they only gave her probation. After that she began a methadone maintenance program while continuing to drink. Some time around the age of 11 or 12 she somehow got a prescription for xanax from a doctor. From that time until I was about 16 every night would be huge fights between her and my dad. She would be so tranquilized that she would black out mid sentence and could barely walk straight. There were many visits to the ER because she would fall and injure herself. I would try and tell her that it hurt me that she did this to herself and every time she would get EXTREMELY emotional and cry and accuse me of not loving her. This hurt me sooo horribly inside that I had many nights of contemplating suicide and crying alone in my bed. My father was rarely around, he tried to avoid us as much as possible. All of my childhood I was a loner. I rarely talked to people in school, never had girlfriends, never had friends. In high school I would be so sad some days that I just never went. I ran into problems with truancy eventually. But I finally made it to graduation and got my diploma. My mother did not attend my graduation. I could see that it hurt her deeply that she didn't come, so I lied to her and said it was no big deal, but it was a huge deal to me. Near the end of high school her alcoholism and xanax usage became severe (and methadone, but that was controlled by the clinic). One night I woke up to my mother screaming and crying. She wouldn't respond to anything I had to say. I called the ambulance. In the meantime I kept trying to talk to her but she would not respond. And then she just fell back. No sound coming from her at all. I tried to do CPR and after what felt like 30 minutes, she opened her eyes and started screaming again. The ambulance finally got there and took care of her from then. This would go on for several months of her in and out of the emergency room from overdose. The doctors told her that her liver function was very low and it wasn't filtering the alcohol and benzos efficiently. Finally, by the grace of God, she got sober after a particularly violent episode as described above. She has been sober ever since.
Having said that, something is off about me. I am so very happy that she is sober, would give my life to keep it that way, but I have some issues myself. I have EXTREME anxiety, especially social anxiety. Sometimes I skip college courses because I am too afraid to sit in a classroom with other people. I am mortified to go to any public place like the grocery store. I can barely speak when talking to a stranger. Moreover, my self esteem is almost non-existent. I feel inferior to EVERYONE. I know it's not true, but I can't help but feel that way. I am extremely lonely, I have never been on a date with anyone. I am extremely paranoid about things. Especially my mother's sobriety. Over my lifetime, she has tried to sober up, but relapsed. What makes it worse is that she would hide it from me. I would tell her that her pupils are dilated and she is speaking funny and things of that nature, but she would blame it on the methadone. Almost every second the only thing I think about is her relapsing. I feel like I need to see a psychiatrist, but I have no insurance and I live with my parents still. I do not want to hurt my mother by telling her I am going to a shrink. I don't know what to do. My quality of life is very poor. I rarely leave the house, have ended my college education indefinitely, and cannot get a job because of my insecurities. I just don't know what to do. I feel if my mother ever finds out that I am seeking help about this that she would relapse. She relapsed before because of emotional stress. I don't know if I can ever handle another relapse. When she was drinking the feeling I had on a daily basis was....for lack of a better word...evil. I felt numb, no emotion ever. I would cry, but it wouldn't be because I was sad. I don't really know how to describe it. I don't think I can handle that again. Any suggestions would really help.
I feel for you & understand 100% .. My anxiety has been slowly killing me this year. Only difference is I did make the bad choice of drinking & drugging.

I have no magic words or advice; all I can say is you are not alone, there are others out there in your exact situation. Please seek the help you so desperately need, before you chose the self medicated path. I've lived that for the good part of 3 decades. It will not help.
Good Luck to you
Dennis

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Sober Recovery
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:04 PM
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I understand. Really really I do.

I was of the camp "if you can't beat em join em", and drank my way through the last 20 years. It compounded my anxiety to levels that now that I'm sober, I can't believe I actually survived. It's so wonderful to hear that you are not going down that road. You are saving yourself. You should be very proud of that. Truly.

I was/am a full blown co dependent. And for many many years (especially when I was your age) thought that I WAS responsible for my mothers happiness, fathers, and sisters. My sister overdosed and I carried that guilt with me for decades. My father drank himself into fatal cardiac arrest,, and I blamed myself for that as well. My mother, was a widowed and lost a child, and herself an alcoholic as well, so I basically gave up what was left of my life to try to be responsible for her not dying as well.

So trust me, I really get it.

But now, on to YOU.

And how we are going to go about saving YOUR life so that at 22, you can go on to allow these adults, who have made their choices, live their choices. And how YOU are going to be able to do the same.

If you can't afford one on one professional help, Alcoholics Anonymous has a program for families of alcoholics called AlAnon. That would be a great place for you to start to feel not so alone in this process. Also, research ACOA (adult children of alcoholics).

The anxiety is stemming from the lack of control that you feel in regards to your moms choices. Waiting for the rug to be pulled out, constantly, if she relapses, and you feeling responsible for it ? Well that's just laying on a ticking time bomb.

I have recently found on YouTube, a guy that does guided meditations (Jason Stephenson) that I have been finding help tremendously with my panic. He has a Tom of free ones that you can do, and they really really help,

My strongest suggestion is for you to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Extreme self care is what has helped me significantly. Extreme. Like learning how to say "no", taking time to excercise and eat right, staying close here.
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:05 PM
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Welcome to the family. I'm glad you found us but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.

Please get help for yourself, regardless of how you think your mother will feel about it. She doesn't have to know why you're going to see a doctor.

Please find a good shrink. Ask him or her about depression. You sound very depressed, and as someone who has depression myself, I think you could use some help.

We also have a friends and family of alcoholics forum specifically for people in your situation. Some good insight there.
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:08 PM
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My mom was an alcoholic too and for years I lived in fear that if I did or said the 'wrong' thing and she drank herself to death it would be all my fault. However, The Truth was, I wasn't responsible for her drinking/not drinking. I don't have that kind of power over anyone! And neither do you.

You need help dealing with your own issues and you deserve that help. You deserve a full and happy life. I hope you find the courage to get that help, because life doesn't have to be lived in fear and misery.
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:08 PM
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Oh, and my mom drank and used drugs through her pregnancy with me as well. While I don't show traditional signs of fetal alcohol syndrome, I am on the spectrum and believe my anxiety issues stemmed from being born addicted.

Don't be so quick to assume your issues are not related to that as well. Neurological development en utero is a big factor in alcoholic mothers.

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Old 05-24-2015, 07:34 PM
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Originally Posted by 19cps92 View Post
i don't use anything. i am terrified of them to be honest. some times when i am really low i do think about it, but I dont think i will ever go through with it.
I can so identify with this. I was 23 years old when I took my first drink ever on April 3, 1999. (Bet I'm one of the only members here who can tell you the exact date of their first drink!) I had never drank or drugged before that because of growing up with a mother much like yours. Her drug of choice was various prescription medicines. She had worked in medical offices for years and knew just what to say to doctors to get the pills she wanted. She was in and out of various rehabs and hospitals for many many years starting when I was 14 years old. She pulled guns on me and my father (also a recovering alcoholic, though he stopped drinking when I was very young so I don't remember his drinking much at all) and did tons of other horrible, crazy things. I swore I'd never drink or drug, but when I started that day...oh boy, all bets were off within that first month.

Wish I'd gotten the therapy you're talking about instead of suffering all these years. Others in here are right--you are not responsible in the end for your mom's sobriety or mental health--take care of yourself and get the help you think you need.

Glad you found us and wish you the best. Please post often!
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:38 PM
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thanks for all the replies. they really mean a lot. and alpha your story is very powerful. you really have been through A LOT...wow. and i'm definitely going to check that guy out on youtube, i have lots of nights where I cant sleep and I use youtube videos that really help. i do wonder sometimes if her drinking or using while pregnant caused some of my issues. she wasn't just popping pills. i was told by my father that she was crushing pills and breaking capsules and mixing them with water and injecting them. i was just under the assumption that physical birth defects were the main issues. I do have hope that I can find happiness one day. This is really just the start for me. It's been almost 2 years that my mom is sober now, so things have settled to a point where i can ponder my own problems now. i do know i'm depressed. i have the physical symptoms too, always tired, no energy, no sex drive, but i am afraid to take anti-depressants for obvious reasons. i am very uncomfortable taking any medicine at all. i have a very addictive personality. i probably should have mentioned in my original post that I was very overweight when I was little, obese even. and then i lost all the weight and obsessed over my calories and all of that stuff...and then i fell off the wagon and gained everything back around the time she started having those episodes. now my weight yo-yo's all the time. it's another one of my big insecurities. i was teased all the time when i was younger because of it, so i obsess over my weight. when im thinner things dont feel as bad, and then ill fall off the wagon and just eat whenever i'm bored or sad and gain weight back, i really have a bad emotional eating problem so i feel if i ever had any type of medication or alcohol i would SURELY abuse it. i don't gain weight to the point i used to be, but i yoyo about +_50lbs throughout the year.
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Old 05-24-2015, 08:01 PM
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It has always been difficult for me to remember that I MATTER TOO.

sounds like your mom has had wonderful medical care throughout her addiction. Hospitals, medication, countless ER visits, etc.

You deserve the same.

Don't fear anti d's. I just started Lexapro 4 months ago, and I wish to God, I would have started them 20 years ago. My anxiety is almost non existent (I can drive again finally after not driving for over two years) and my depression is being helped tremendously too.

I really hope you'll stay here and lean on us.
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Old 05-24-2015, 08:09 PM
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Hey! I am also the daughter of an addict! It was so bad she ended up abandoning me to pursue a life of alcohol. She has been arrested over 80 times and every few years she tries to contact me which really makes me sad.

Your mother has fallen to her addictions and you should forgive her for it. Forgive her for being weak and understand that it is not about you unfortunately. Your low self esteem may have something to do with the fact that your mother chooses alcohol over you... This is something that bothers me too and my self esteem is so low! I have horrible anxiety and I never feel good enough. I am not confident in my decision making and although it's something I still work on it follows me. The last time I saw my mother over 15 years ago was really awful. She shook me and asked why her daughter was so fat and ugly. I was only 10. She was drunk.

I always feel that if my own mother doesn't care enough then why should anyone else. It's sad but a lesson to be learned is that so many people in life will disappoint you. Not all will and Its because life is tough, not because of you. You need to go out and get over this because you are a person who can empathize with others. You have faced adversity and with that you can help others in day to day activities of life. Be the person you always needed to other people and more importantly to yourself. You have no reason to be ashamed or worried. Believe that good things will happen to you and they will. Myself I have not gone to therapy and this still bothers me. I'm not sure if therapy would help me but I live fine and no one even knows what's really going on with me. If you think that therapy will help you then you should do if.

You have a chance to be different and you should give yourself that chance.

Stay strong and go out and take baby steps!!
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Old 05-24-2015, 11:44 PM
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Hi 1992....thanks for posting.....I'm also a child of alcohloic parents.....who were neglectful, violent to each other, and embarrassing. When you think of trash....that's who they were. I know they were sick....but I haven't forgiven them and I don't have too. I've definetly suffer thru my adulthood because of them...and I'm still getting over it. Practice lots of self love. As for the anti depressants I echo alpha. Last year I had a very bumpy year......my Prozac was increased and I was just put on a mood stabilizer ........ I probably always needed these drugs so that I can change my thought patterns. I feel fantastic for the most part and I'm treating myself v well. I still have a habit of judging myself too harshly I think. I'm working on that. And I'm not drinking.
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Old 05-25-2015, 12:28 AM
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Hi - thanks for sharing your story. There will be lots of advice available for you here at SR. It may be useful to look at the friends and family sub-forum though...

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I think it's definitely worth looking into AlAnon and AlaTeen for some support as well. It's time to start living life to the full, and there needs to be some recovery from your experiences to help bring that to fruition.

http://www.al-anon.org/

Good luck. There is support and hope out there for you.
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Old 05-25-2015, 05:58 AM
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Hello,
Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your story. I have been in a similar place to you, and I know how hard it is to feel you are worth anything at all when you grow up with a parent who cares more about their next drink than their family. A book that really helped me start feeling a little better, that I wasn't alone if nothing else, was 'Adult Children of Alcoholics' by Janet G. Woititz. Hugs x
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Old 05-25-2015, 07:34 AM
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Your story resonated with me as well. My mother was and alcoholic and my father a prescription drug addict.

I also grew up with extremely low self esteem, inferiority issues and social anxiety as a kid and teen. Unfortunately I turned to drugs and alcohol to self treat my problems. I'm really happy that you haven't chosen that path for yourself.

I'm going to echo some others comments on here and tell you that you are not responsible for your mothers actions! You can save yourself! You absolutely deserve to love yourself enough to seek whatever help you think you need to heal these wounds!

xx all the best to you and thanks for sharing your story.
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Old 05-26-2015, 10:54 AM
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Welcome to the Forum!!
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