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This is harder than I ever thought possible!!!

Old 05-24-2015, 04:27 PM
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Unhappy This is harder than I ever thought possible!!!

Maybe I can't do this..... this was supposed to be my first day sober. Yesterday. I found a very small amount of alcohol in my mini fridge upstairs. It was probably only about three shots of different drinks (I had siphoned off little bits of different alcohols from the bottles in the cabinet - not mine - open to sharing, but only in small, occasional situations! Within reason!) so....I had a travel mug with little bits of random stuff.

I mixed it with gingerale and drank it as fast as I good. And I felt good. And I've never felt such a wonderful blissful feeling....maybe only lasted half hour to hour, but mildly... now my mind is having a really, really hard time!!!

How could that be my last time! I'm not ready! But my addiction wants me to never feel ready.....but I don't actually feel ready!! I want one more last time with wine!! Haha...you know....addictive mind is syaing "buy that magnum of your favourite, and drink it and feel damn good like in the old days"

And it's so hard to argue with!! I KNOW the negative consequences...or the possible negative consequences, anyway. But at this point I feel like it's not actually a big deal. Like it's not ruining my life or anything. It's just wine. And it's not everyday. So why not???

So all day today, was hell. I swear I can still feel alcohol in me, all tingly and warm and I want it sooooooooo baaaaaaaaaadly that I keep crying. And I don't have my regular therapist who was trained in all the issues that I have - so I feel so lost!

This is soooooooooooo hard!!!!!!!!!! And I feel scared. And ambivalent. And don't know if I can do it. Don't know if I want to quit. Don't know if I can - atleast not now. I feel this craving so badly, that I keep trying to think of ways that I can steal more alcohol without getting caught (from the shared house). I just don't want too many things to be gone. All I can probably afford to take is 1 beer, and even then, I'd feel anxious all the time afterward........

This f***ing sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-24-2015, 04:34 PM
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Thats the thing with addiction tho - it does feel good - until it doesn't.

You must have a hundred reasons for coming here to SR and wanting to quit

Remind yourself of those. The early days are hard but it won;t always be this way - hang in there.

Besides posting here, what exactly are you doing for your recovery sparkledust?

D
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Old 05-24-2015, 04:40 PM
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With me 1 beer always lead to another eventually, then i'd find myself eventually drinking till blackout each night .

I found it best to get off the merry go round and stay off .

If you decide to invite the madness that is drinking back into your life why the desperate rush ?
Why not take a few days to fully mull it over .. put the decision to go back off for few days, try a bit more sobriety .

There is the whole of your life ahead of you, you know what drinking is like and what it brings, you don't know what sobriety will bring .

Being a thief and stealing from your housemates for drink , is that really who you want to be ?

Bestwishes, m
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Old 05-24-2015, 04:43 PM
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It felt impossible to me at first too. Now I am on day 28. It isn't easy..but worth it. And it does get easier..I would say that first off get all and any alcohol out of your house, check in here at SR daily...several times a day, be honest with those around you and take it one day at a time..even one hour at a time. You can do this!
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Old 05-24-2015, 04:49 PM
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If I keep telling myself that this is impossible. Probably the task at hand will be very hard for me to accomplish.

Bad things in, bad things out.
Good things in, hopefully good things out.
Thus at least with one we have some hope.

A man or woman is what they thinkith.

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Old 05-24-2015, 05:09 PM
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Thanks - maybe I should focus on being more positive.
As for what I'm doing... I just finished an outpatient program. I have a new therapist, because my old one of three years is ill....that in itself is affecting me a LOT. I don't even know if she is coming back.... but I try to remember all the little random things she said here and there, and it helps a bit.

I have a TON of stuff that I can do to work through this. DBT/CBT stuff, stuff from the outpatient program that I took three times, therapy stuff, books, self-soothing, writing, walking, spirituality, etc.....

It's just that, I've never felt this way. Maybe once or twice, but not to this degree. This actual....addiction feeling. I'm terrified. Someone mentioned putting off the drinking for a few days. Well, that's how I know I have a problem. I don't get money for 7 or 8 days more....I try to tell myself I can drink then, but I can't wait. I feel this craving all over my body, and I feel like I need it, and it scares me.

But I also feel like I never got to that level of getting drunk everyday....my addiction wants me to get there, then hit rock bottom, then quit because then I've atleast had my fill of drinking. Messed up, right??!?

I know the longer I go, the harder it will be....

In fact, I made it almost 5 months. Well, almost 4 months, then was in hospital on drugs....then it was just before 5 months that I drank (because my pain pills ran out). So now.... I guess I'm relapsing....doing that thing I never wanted to do.

I mean, in the past, since last April, I had kept quitting for 30 odd days, then the last time it got to 50, then more and more....then that was my 4 or 5 month long streak! Until the hospital times.


Anyway. This is scary. And I already drank the beer. In like 4 minutes. I'm a terrible person. I don't know what to do. Email my friend? I should be in rehab, really................ but I don't know. Ok we'll see. Sorry for rambling.
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:24 PM
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How does someone quit when it feels SOOOOO GOOOOOOD?????
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Sparkledust View Post
How does someone quit when it feels SOOOOO GOOOOOOD?????
You can defo do this mate.
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:33 PM
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Sorry I don't know of any way to make this sound better.

It feels 'sooooo gooooood' because you're sooooo addicted, sparkledust.

Realising that kinda took the shine off getting buzzed for me?

D
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Sparkledust View Post
How does someone quit when it feels SOOOOO GOOOOOOD?????
Drinking stopped feeling good for me a long time before I quit drinking. I only drank because I had to, to stave off the withdrawal.

Give yourself some sober time to see what it feels like. I've been sober over five years now and wouldn't drink for all the money in the world.
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:42 PM
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How do I get through these first few days/week? Do I have to go to rehab? Are there any tricks to just.... not drink? It does feel good, but it also feels like a "need". Like I feel it in my body and only after I drink, even something small, can I relax a little. So I drink to make that craving feeling go away....but it also feels good. I'm sure it will eventually just be drinking to feel normal, not to feel good..... but I guess I don't want to get to that point.

But....... you think I should be going someplace like inpatient? Or I can somehow make it through these few days/week?
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:46 PM
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You registered on a forum for people who have problems with drinking for a reason, so I seriously doubt it always feels "so good" to you.
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:46 PM
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For me to stay sober, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Not easy, but simple.
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Old 05-24-2015, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by Sparkledust View Post
How does someone quit when it feels SOOOOO GOOOOOOD?????
Because the price you pay for that short-term good feeling gets bigger and bigger. I know I'll eventually pay big time for that one beer or drink. The end result is ALWAYS the same. And constantly starting over gets old after a while. Better off finding other ways to feel good that are actually healthy and much more long-term. Not an easy thing to do as you already know, but it can be done. Wish you well. John
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Old 05-24-2015, 06:35 PM
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Just take it one day at a time. You don't have to decide right now to quit for good. See how it goes being sober. Alcohol will always be there so don't think that if you stop drinking alcohol will no longer exist. He will be here forever or at least if there is man/woman living in the world.
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:18 PM
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Thanks peoples!

Well, it's the after part that feels bad!! The drinking, it still feels good. But the after lasts a lot longer....

Do I want to be sober more than I love to drink? Umm.....hmm.....this is why I feel I'm screwed. It doesn't always feel like it. I want to be sober very badly, but I also feel so incredibly good when I drink that it seems to overpower everything else. But the true me, it definitely wants sobriety.

I know that it will get worse. In fact, this relapse, it seems to be spiralling quickly....I basically would love to just have a drink in me at all times. And I probably would, if I could. And so that scares me. I want to control it, but then it's like the cravings take over and change my mind. It's really hard for me to not do something that feels good, because in the FUTURE it will feel bad.... my brain isn't very good at connecting those two things together. It's like that with food and sweets and other things. I know something isn't good, and bad things can happen LATER if I do these things now.... but in the moment, all I can think of is NOW. Ugh.

But. I will try. I just made myself a huge hot cocoa drink with whipped cream on top. Maybe I'll even have another!! And there was a really beautiful sunset outside. So I tried to enjoy that. Thank you so much people for talking to me... I feel like I'm being so annoying right now..... but really, today has been a really scary and lonely day.

So thanks.
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Old 05-24-2015, 07:37 PM
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You'll never be annoying. Your going through a really tough time. Your doing the right thing by posting your feelings. As far as lonely is concerned; just think, someone out there is reading your posts and thinking about you. Pretty cool don't you think? John
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Old 05-24-2015, 08:48 PM
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Thank you!!! And yes, that is pretty cool....
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Old 05-24-2015, 08:54 PM
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I remember years ago I used to try to control my addiction, I loved that warm little buzz from just one drink, but you're right, it didn't last long enough. so I drank a little bit more, then a little bit more. That feel good little buzz eventually turns into agony. You have an addiction that is progressively getting stronger and your health is deteriorating. You can do this..ride out the cravings, one day at a time. You will see the benefits of not drinking very quickly!
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Old 05-24-2015, 09:04 PM
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Originally Posted by least View Post
For me to stay sober, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink. Not easy, but simple.
I agree completely. ^^^

I couldn't quit until I WANTED to quit. It doesn't sound like you are ready. That's a hard spot to be in. I'm sorry you are struggling. It sucks. It really does! Hang in there.
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