Help Wanted: your ESH needed.......
 

This weekend I will be attending a Family wedding event out of town for niece. There will be several days of parties which will indeed have mucho alcohol.

I had out of town family around for xmas - but it was at my home where I was a lot more comfortable. Went off very well and some of my fears of the unknown worked out with no issues. But again, I had laid just a couple simple ground rules.

I am approaching a year of continuous sobriety and generally I am fairly sequestered (by choice) of places where alcohol is around. But, a large family wedding and party coupled with back yard pool fun at family home over memorial day has me slightly on edge.

Looking for some experience, strength and hope today from those friend here who made it through their first really large family event surrounded by folks drinking and carrying on. Maybe even a wedding scenario where you had not seen some family since getting sober??!

I debated if I should attend, but feel it's time to stretch my sober wings some more. I can't live in a bubble all the time - and I really want to visit grandkids, daughter (traveling from another location) and other family members. I just don't get to see them often.

All comments are very welcome, and thanks in advance!!!

First and foremost, congrats on nearly 12 months! That's a great accomplishment.

You've got this weekend covered. Get your mental toughness in order for anything that is thrown your direction. If you feel weak or tempted, get out of the immediate situation if you can. Come back when you've gathered yourself.

I've got one of those weekends coming up in August. Going to be tough, but I just keep telling myself that I will have so much more fun staying sober than drinking around the clock, worried where my next drink will come from, not remembering anything... everything that comes when an alcoholic takes that first drink.

You've got this FNB. Stay in tune with us here at SR if you can.

Fly -
While I haven't had exactly the experience you describe, I've done a fair amount of sober socializing at large events with heavy drinking. For me, the most helpful approach is a tightly scheduled approach. I actually plan on time "out" of the group - whether for a walk, a meeting, a nap, a yoga class - whatever. The only rule is that it be a healthy activity which supports my sobriety and my self-identity as a healthy vital person. Even if I am having a great time in the company of drinkers, I make myself keep my commitment to self-time, because I think of it as banking energy.

I also am very open about being a non-drinker (although not as open about the reasons why, my participation in AA, etc.). I actually point it out at events like this - gushing to people over how delicious my non-alcoholic fruity fancy beverage is, or making statements like "nope, I'm sticking with my bubbly water. I quit drinking last year, and I'm just feeling better and better physically." I've noticed that if I use verbal pride affirmations, they really convince ME that I'm making a CHOICE rather than being "forced into a morose sobriety as punishment for past behavior" - which is not the sobriety I want to wear...

Finally, I've found that even if I can't exit, I can shift my attention to the children. Kids have a great time without alcohol. I have an automatic sober community in the kids at an event.

If it is an all-adult bash, and I can't do a major break/exit, I will indicate that I have to take an important call/respond to a message and go outside, where I can sit by myself and do SR on my phone.

Good luck! I agree about breaking through the bubble. Once you're out, you're completely free...it is an empowering phase of sobriety.

I had a similar situation towards the end of my first year of sobriety: Thanksgiving. I was going home to family and friends, and our version would probably be better described as Dranksgiving. Anyway, here is what I found that worked for me:

• First, give yourself permission to leave any event at any time without notice if you feel so moved.
• Always drive yourself or have a bulletproof means (or two) of getting out of dodge in case you feel the need to bail.
• Have a plan where you will go: AA meeting, sober friends house, etc. that is available during the events you will be attending.
• Relax - nobody cares whether you drink soda, water, or whatever. Should the unthinkable occur, anybody who gives you a hard time about not drinking has just given you permission to exit stage left: even if its the bride/groom.
• Sniff before you drink - coke looks like rum & coke, etc.

It gets easier with time, but the first time in a "foreign" place with alcohol can be tricky. Stay aware of your feelings. If you feel like you are on thin ice, pay attention to those feelings. It might be considered rude to leave an event, but its far ruder to force these folks to attend your premature funeral.

You've been sober almost a year. You can do this. Trust yourself. You don't drink. Period. End of story.

Enjoy the family get together and fill us in when you get back.

you know your stuff
 

Very well written

When my son got married I warned him I would be at the reception until I wasn't and he was fine with that. I brought my wife who is my biggest sobriety supporter. My phone was loaded with AA people to call. I asked my wife to make sure my glass always had something to drink in it.

After dinner I found an out of the way spot and camped out. People came to me instead of me going to them. I am a social person but I felt it was not in my best interest to be in the thick of the drinking.

The evening went fine but the one piece of advice I have is to have an exit plan and be mentally prepared to use it. Having a plan gave me a ton of confidence because I knew I could leave at a moments notice

I agree re the exit plan - even if it's just for a drive round for a break from the hustle and bustle of it all.

I like to keep my little MP3 player and headphones tucked in my handbag with some AA speaker recordings on there - like an instant meeting if I need it :)

I've often found t family events , once someone makes a pot of tea, everyone suddenly fancies one. (Although that could just be my family or a UK thing.)

You can do this. x

You don't drink, do you?

it's daunting, that first time you really go out there...but you can do it flynbuy :)

You already know what to do if someone offers you a drink, or what to do if a craving should hit (I doubt it will - my first party cemented my choice to be sober to be honest)

An escape plan is always good too - if only for getting away when drunk people start to annoy you :)

D

Congrats on getting close to a month, Flynbuy!

As usual, so much wisdom here on SR. My only addition is a suggestion I offered to a SRer facing a challenging few days: Email yourself. Preprogram your email account to send a series of messages to yourself that you'll receive during the wedding celebration. Send yourself little reminders about how great it is to be sober and then receive them at various times during the gathering.

You're going to do just fine. Like Eddie and others suggested, set aside some time for yourself. And then visit your friends on SR!

I'm a dweeb. I meant to congratulate you on nearly a year!

Really great insight from all! Exit strategy - yes, indeed - first and foremost. Might leave some behind if I split reception early, as some know I am now sober and want me to be DD........Maybe that in and of itself will help.

One of the small businesses I own is a photo booth company. We set up for all types of events. As Dee posted, being around drunks can indeed cement the decision. I am around drunks and I agree with that. It's funny, in a work environment it never crosses my mind to drink at an event. Or I should say if it comes, the thought is fleeting - or in early sobriety I fought through it.

This weekend is somewhat different. It's not just the wedding night but a few days of where the party will be in full swing with out of town family.

I have looked online and will indeed hit two meetings near where I am staying. Also take a hike early the morning after the reception up in a canyon in high desert. I think this as a reward while other partygoers slumber may be great reinforcement.

Think I'll post a pic of the canyon on SR - that will give me something to strive for. A commitment of sorts - accountability to ya'll!

Thanks friends,
the responses mean a ton :)

Looking forward to the pic.

Some amazing advice here.

Thank you SR, the wisdom that comes from you guys is priceless.:grouphug:

You've promised. No takebacks! Can't wait to see the picture.

You don't drink, we nondrinkers got this.
Here's what I want see, a canyon in the background and a thumb with a smiley face on the nail in the foreground :) and at least two cannonballs poolside.

Plus one to everything that's already been said. Exit plan was the first I was going to suggest. Second was going to be giving yourself permission to leave without a plan. Unannounced. A "feeling really sick" apology the next day works just fine. I've done it in early sobriety, and nobody's cared. Most didn't even notice I'd left.

Only things I'd add which may have been mentioned (just kinda skimmed through this) are first, that I think it's great that you're facing it as opposed to running. From all I've read from you I believe your sober foundation is strong enough for such things. Next I'd bookend the whole thing with a sober friend. Call before and after. I'd also have a few people on standy for during. And, well... Prayer has always been my number one tool. I consciously turn my life and will over to my hp before doing anything that challenges me, and then I trust, and leave it there.

Ya know, it just occurred to me too that I have a new thing for parties. I'm perfectly fine around alcohol, that's not an issue at all for me anymore, but the people can still sometimes be. I have some family members I don't like being around. When I know I have to be, I pray for them, and I pray that I be focused on giving love only. I pray for the grace to do my best to make others comfortable and happy, feeling loved and accepted by me, regardless of what I think of them :). It keeps the focus off of myself . It's pretty amazing how that's turned things aroun for me.

I've an excellent feeling yer gonna be just fine :).

I'll give you 2 scenarios I've experienced:

Take 1: In my first year, going to an alcohol-involved multiple-day thing outside my routine & safe places, which I had to do from time to time, was incredibly stressful. Because I was hating sobriety and myself. I didn't drink, though --I used stuff like was on the list above -- excused myself early, called sober friends, PMd Dee (a lot, in early days), took a lot of walk-around-the-block breaks, went to meetings in strange towns. Looked for the other person at any gathering who wasn't drinking, and made them my friend. It worked. But it was extremely stressful & I'd come back with raging cravings that lasted a week.

Take 2: It doesn't matter anymore. I don't care what other people do. I don't drink, nor do I want to, nor do I want to want to. Done & done.

In which situation are you?

Don't forget "HALT:" Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired are the big triggers. For example, think about having snacks before going into drinking situations. Right before dinner can be a difficult time!