Notices

Why doesn't she and he get it?

Old 05-22-2015, 04:52 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Why doesn't she and he get it?

Hello all:

There's no way I'm putting my guard down again, that's why I'm posting here.

I am going to dinner with girlfriends. These are friends that I've known for a long time and that have been drinking buddies. I have been clear with them about the fact that I am not a drinker anymore but yesterday when we were setting everything up one of them asked me if I was going to drink. This is my friend that has been mourning losing me as a drinking buddy a lot. She has asked me many times if I am ever going to drink again. She's even told me that she misses me drinking. So yesterday when we were texting she directly asked me "so, are you going to drink?".

I defused the situation with humor saying that what I really wanted was a body shot off Antonio Sabato Jr. in his underwear modeling days ha ha ha... I didn't know how else to handle it. And then to put the icing on the cake my husband tells me, "why don't you just have one with her?"

That was when I lost it, I got furious. I told him again that I am an alcoholic and that my brain just does not work like that. After having a few a couple weeks ago and even though it was just a couple I still started my account over I got to be honest and there's no way I want to start counting again ...

I have had this conversation with her before. Now I feel like unless I drink she doesn't want to hang out. We enjoy each other's company even when I've been sober this whole year so I don't understand why she still wants me to drink when there's really no difference in my attitude or things that we do. I have had this conversation with her before. Now I feel like unless I drink she doesn't want to hang out.

Now I have a battle in my head. My AV is rampantly using what my hubby said and the fact that I only had a couple when I did drink about a month ago. But I know what it's going to happen if I open the door again. I have not had the experience but I have learned it from all my brothers and sisters here at SR. Why is she so adamant that I drink ? Let's say I do have just one drink, for what? Starting my count over and risking opening that door? No way! I also want to set the boundary. I DON'T DRINK!

I don't want to, I'm not going to, but I'm getting tired of hearing it. I am an adult and I should be able to decide and be supported, specially this great decision. I got drunk early at her wedding and had to leave... This was 7 years ago. Come on! Doesn't she see that's a problem?

Thoughts on handling it?
Nowsthetime is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 04:59 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Hears The Voice
 
Nonsensical's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Expecting others to understand why I can't drink just set me up for disappointment. I quit expecting it and I don't miss the unmet expectations.

Great job on staying your course!
Nonsensical is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 05:04 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
I'm trying not to be angry but it's chipping at me. That's all I hear! They both (specially hubby) have seen me at my worst. My hubby had begged me to quit for years...
Nowsthetime is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 05:15 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
Hello all:

There's no way I'm putting my guard down again, that's why I'm posting here.

I am going to dinner with girlfriends. These are friends that I've known for a long time and that have been drinking buddies. I have been clear with them about the fact that I am not a drinker anymore but yesterday when we were setting everything up one of them asked me if I was going to drink. This is my friend that has been mourning losing me as a drinking buddy a lot. She has asked me many times if I am ever going to drink again. She's even told me that she misses me drinking. So yesterday when we were texting she directly asked me "so, are you going to drink?".

I defused the situation with humor saying that what I really wanted was a body shot off Antonio Sabato Jr. in his underwear modeling days ha ha ha... I didn't know how else to handle it. And then to put the icing on the cake my husband tells me, "why don't you just have one with her?"

That was when I lost it, I got furious. I told him again that I am an alcoholic and that my brain just does not work like that. After having a few a couple weeks ago and even though it was just a couple I still started my account over I got to be honest and there's no way I want to start counting again ...

I have had this conversation with her before. Now I feel like unless I drink she doesn't want to hang out. We enjoy each other's company even when I've been sober this whole year so I don't understand why she still wants me to drink when there's really no difference in my attitude or things that we do. I have had this conversation with her before. Now I feel like unless I drink she doesn't want to hang out.

Now I have a battle in my head. My AV is rampantly using what my hubby said and the fact that I only had a couple when I did drink about a month ago. But I know what it's going to happen if I open the door again. I have not had the experience but I have learned it from all my brothers and sisters here at SR. Why is she so adamant that I drink ? Let's say I do have just one drink, for what? Starting my count over and risking opening that door? No way! I also want to set the boundary. I DON'T DRINK!

I don't want to, I'm not going to, but I'm getting tired of hearing it. I am an adult and I should be able to decide and be supported, specially this great decision. I got drunk early at her wedding and had to leave... This was 7 years ago. Come on! Doesn't she see that's a problem?

Thoughts on handling it?
Do you have a pattern of going on the wagon and drinking again?

Is your pattern something like the following : drinking, then say your not drinking, then change your mind and then drink again, go back on the wagon, drink again at her wedding, try sobriety again, drink again even though it was only a couple, start your count again....?

If it is something like that, well that is the pattern that they are seeing. Everytime you swear off it maybe they don't take you that serious because it doesn't last?

Maybe your hubby is looking at you miserable and in some confusion? he doesn't see that your heart is in it so he's thinking you could have a few and relax? Maybe his intentions were good?

If you were able to (try) to diffuse the situation with humour with your friend.....why couldn't you (try) to diffuse the situation with humour with your husband? Do you have a temper? Did he know you had a temper before marrying you?

they could be holding up a mirror to your own doubts or your own previous pattern.

Only thing you can do is show them that your serious with your actions. If that's the new you, then people will have to accept the new you, or slowly with the passage of time...leave your life.
TheCrimsonKing is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 05:22 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
No. That's not my pattern. I committed for the first time to sobriety on March 16 of last year. I didn't drink for 13 months. Nothing, not a drop! Then 3 weeks ago o had a couple with his sister and new boyfriend, with dinner. So NO. They KNOW I am serious. They also both know that I feel great about sobriety. I am more confident than ever. My hubby just wants me to drink so we can "be at the same level", that's what he says. They know I am serious. They just don't get it. I'm starting to feel like they are a couple of lamoes...
Nowsthetime is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 05:34 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
gettingsmarter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,978
Don't worry what she thinks. If you have been clear with her that you can't drink and that it leads to a bad place and she still pushes, I'd drop her and not think twice. I know that's harsh. Some people are just not capable of understanding. Does she have a problem herself?
gettingsmarter is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 05:39 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Western Europe
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
No. That's not my pattern. I committed for the first time to sobriety on March 16 of last year. I didn't drink for 13 months. Nothing, not a drop! Then 3 weeks ago o had a couple with his sister and new boyfriend, with dinner. So NO. They KNOW I am serious. They also both know that I feel great about sobriety. I am more confident than ever. My hubby just wants me to drink so we can "be at the same level", that's what he says. They know I am serious. They just don't get it. I'm starting to feel like they are a couple of lamoes...
What the hell is a lamoe? I even googled it......

A year sober is fantastic to me. A year sober to others is probably not enough time for them to fully change their perspective of you.....(after a lifetime of debauchery?)

You drank 3 weeks ago.........maybe they don't think you're as serious as YOU think that they think you are....

What are you doing about your temper?
TheCrimsonKing is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 05:47 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Lennox's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 89
I have been here many of times. Unfortunately "friends" that I feel who had encouraged me to drink whilst trying to stop (them knowing my drinking leads to self destruction) I have had to delete from my life.

Now most of my friends who are close to me encourage me NOT to drink w as they don't want a night of abuse, drama etc and obviously they care about me.

If she is that bothered about you drinking it seems to me she has a problem herself.
Lennox is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 06:12 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
I meant lame-os... They are lame. Hahaha, bad spelling.

I don't think she has a problem yet. They (her hubby and her) do drink often but I have never seen her wasted.

She doesn't know that I drank with my sisinlaw... She thinks that I have been sober this entire time.

Now about my temper. I do have a temper but I'm not unreasonable and just as fast as I get mad, I calm down. I haven't had any ugly fights with hubby since I quit boozing.

I will be sad to push her out of my life. I'm strong enough to handle it but it's turning me off.
Nowsthetime is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 06:40 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Now I just keep hearing my AV saying, "get wasted, teach your husband a lesson!".

I'm trying to shut it up... Then I hear "you were able to moderate, why not again"....

"You aren't that bad"....

"Then you can post about it and get more attention"...

"What's the worst that can happen? You haven't been drunk in 14 months"...

"You can share some beautiful wine with hubby"...

"You are in control"...

I need support and help. It's nut. When my husband said "why not have just one with her" my mind immediately though about getting the strongest drink possible...
Nowsthetime is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 06:45 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
SoberLeigh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,775
While frustrating and sometimes exasperating, it is not really important if anyone else 'gets it'. It is only important and crucial that YOU get it and you do. Be proud of yourself, be strong in the face of 'adversity', and carry on with your beautiful sobriety. For us (we alcoholics), it is the better way - the only way. Be very proud and thankful that you have found it.
SoberLeigh is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 06:56 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Kansas
Posts: 399
I would not use humor with your friend at this point. I would just calmly tell her point blank that you have no desire to drink ever again and that you don't appreciate being taunted with it. If she doesn't stop, stop hanging out with her.

I had this exact thing happen to me when I was about 15 months sober. My oldest friend that I had known since we were 5 years old asked me when I was going to start drinking again. I told him I was shooting for never. He didn't understand, he said it seemed like it was easy for me to quit. Once I explained just a little bit about it to him (and in about 60 seconds) he understood. And he never asked again.

I also had my first cousin say to me at a wedding right about that same time "If getting sober is going to make you this skinny, I think you should start drinking again." He was not joking. But I'm close to him still and he has never mentioned anything about it again.

They don't understand it. They aren't alcoholics. These things irritated me at first until I realized they had no way to understand why I wouldn't drink anymore. And I've been asked the same thing even now by people close to me even though I have been sober a long time.

With your friend you can just "lay down the law", but your husband is a little touchier situation.
buk1000 is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 06:58 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Somewhere on the East Coast
Posts: 579
Hi Nowsthetime,

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I don't have enough sober time under my belt to offer any advice, but just wanted to say that I totally understand and know how frustrating it can be. One of my hardest things in the last year and a half of trying to "manage my drinking" and then "moderate" and then finally realizing its not possible for me and that I need to really commit to sobriety is how to handle my friends that I have always drank with.

You mentioned that you need more support - have you thought about AA or any other recovery program? It seems like you're doing great with 13 months under your belt, but maybe having a group of people to talk to in person when these things arise would help? I dunno...just throwing it out there.

I posted a similar thread yesterday and a very wise person posted to me:

Jeff can believe whatever Jeff wants to believe......

I've gotten the impression Lola would prefer not to live the way Lola has been living with alcohol.

Jeff's opinions and / or alcohol issues have zero bearing on Lola's reality.


Replace "Jeff" with your friend and/or husband. I know its not the same, but maybe it will ring true for you too.

Oh and I totally get you about if you're having "one drink" reaching for the strongest drink possible. I got into this once with a friend and I didn't do a smart thing...I ended up drinking straight vodka with a splash of water for the night. I threw away the months of my own sobriety to "teach her a lesson" that I can't control my drinking and ended up drinking for the next several months. Please don't do that.

Take care.
Lola23 is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 07:56 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Thanks all for you support.

I have had some exposure to AA and it has done nothing but made me upset. I subscribe to AVRT, SR and a plan. I hadn't been posting when I had a couple 3 weeks ago and I think I need to stay active here. Your support is what has helped the most and I really like that it is anonymous so I feel like I can say anything. No disrespect but MY experience with people from AA has been negative (with exception of the people I have met here).

Know you guys are all right, it all up to me and others shouldn't matter, but I do not understand why it matters so much to them if I drink, that's why I feel that they are being lame...
Nowsthetime is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 08:03 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mountainmanbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
It's sad that your husband does not support your sobriety. As far as your girlfriend, some people just don't get it.

I'm with you on not wanting to start counting my days sober over yet again. That's saying that we were even blessed with a recount ?

Mountainmanbob
Mountainmanbob is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 08:08 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Kansas
Posts: 399
One thing you could try is to have a conversation with your friend about it. And then just tell your husband about the conversation. Include why it is upsetting to you that your friend is saying these things to you. In that way, you are communicating all this to your husband without making it about him. Might be effective, I don't know. I'm not married, so I have no idea how these things work.
buk1000 is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 08:33 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Trudgin
 
Fly N Buy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
She and he don't get it because they are threatened by losing their drinking buddy - or at least she is.

There are crossroads as we walk the sober path. We are forced to choose among staying the course or veering away from the light of the truth.

We were willing to go to any lengths - is what I subscribe to with many others.
Tough choices, deadly disease.

You'll find your path on your journey, No one can walk it for you.
Glad you're here posting - Thank you for the thread, it is very useful to many
Fly N Buy is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 09:15 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
On The Road's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: US
Posts: 544
Is there any way you can meet your friend for breakfast/coffee or some other occasion where alcohol won't be served? And then have a heart to heart with her? If she's truly a good friend, she'll appreciate your gesture of honesty and will be more likely to support you moving forward. If she's not interested in such a meeting, then that should tell you something about your relationship and whether it's worth your time.

As for your husband, find a way to reinforce your views about sobriety with him. Maybe a picnic lunch? Some place you two can go and speak freely without the interruptions of home life? He needs (and deserves) to know exactly how important it is for you. And that his actions can be detrimental to your efforts.

Please don't think that you can moderate drinking for anyone else. I know that if I were to fall into that trap, I might never find my way out.
On The Road is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 10:49 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Yes! I am posting because last time I didn't and I faltered. Coming here and working it through really helps me get perspective. My biggest fear is that I was actually allowing myself to have the conversation with my AV. Things like "maybe have one with her", blah blah blah. I was having that conversation in my head!!! I am angry at myself for letting it happen.

About them: I will do my thing. I am assertive with my husband and I will speak with him AGAIN. When it was going down and I said "I am an alcoholic" he rolled his eyes a bit. It is like he doesn't believe it eventhough (as I have said a 100 times) he knows most of my worst...

About my friend, we shall see how it plays out. I'm not really comfortable opening up to her about ALL my demons. She has asked me if I quit drinking because something bad happened to me. I responded "many bad things". That is so true. My life was just becoming punctuated by getting sloshed and I got sick of it. That was NOT who I wanted to be.
Nowsthetime is offline  
Old 05-22-2015, 10:54 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
Hello all:

There's no way I'm putting my guard down again, that's why I'm posting here.

I am going to dinner with girlfriends. These are friends that I've known for a long time and that have been drinking buddies. I have been clear with them about the fact that I am not a drinker anymore but yesterday when we were setting everything up one of them asked me if I was going to drink. This is my friend that has been mourning losing me as a drinking buddy a lot. She has asked me many times if I am ever going to drink again. She's even told me that she misses me drinking. So yesterday when we were texting she directly asked me "so, are you going to drink?".

I defused the situation with humor saying that what I really wanted was a body shot off Antonio Sabato Jr. in his underwear modeling days ha ha ha... I didn't know how else to handle it. And then to put the icing on the cake my husband tells me, "why don't you just have one with her?"

That was when I lost it, I got furious. I told him again that I am an alcoholic and that my brain just does not work like that. After having a few a couple weeks ago and even though it was just a couple I still started my account over I got to be honest and there's no way I want to start counting again ...

I have had this conversation with her before. Now I feel like unless I drink she doesn't want to hang out. We enjoy each other's company even when I've been sober this whole year so I don't understand why she still wants me to drink when there's really no difference in my attitude or things that we do. I have had this conversation with her before. Now I feel like unless I drink she doesn't want to hang out.

Now I have a battle in my head. My AV is rampantly using what my hubby said and the fact that I only had a couple when I did drink about a month ago. But I know what it's going to happen if I open the door again. I have not had the experience but I have learned it from all my brothers and sisters here at SR. Why is she so adamant that I drink ? Let's say I do have just one drink, for what? Starting my count over and risking opening that door? No way! I also want to set the boundary. I DON'T DRINK!

I don't want to, I'm not going to, but I'm getting tired of hearing it. I am an adult and I should be able to decide and be supported, specially this great decision. I got drunk early at her wedding and had to leave... This was 7 years ago. Come on! Doesn't she see that's a problem?

Thoughts on handling it?


Maybe sit them all down and be clear that you are an addict in recovery and can't pick it up then put it down like they can. Be stern with them all and tell them do some research and back off a bit!?
tryinghard7 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:37 AM.