Desperately need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Desperately need advice
I've been visiting this site for over 18 months but I've never registered. I have to say there have been posts and threads that stopped me ending it and made me feel less alone so I am so so grateful to all subscribers- thank you. I can't leave my mum on her own.
I've just turned 29 and have been a daily drinker for 10 years apart from periods I've spent in psychiatric hospitals or rehab recently. Prior to that my first drink was at 12 and always problematic and in excess.
I hate drink. I hate it. But it's the only thing I live for (apart from my family but its a different kind of love) I know that is such a paradox- sounds like a contradiction but I hope someone understands.
I know I'm one drink away from wet brain I know I'm going to die but I don't care I want to. Death by 'misadventure' would be easier to accept than suicide but its not 'misadventure' its a constant cumulative deliberate conscious routine. I don't know how I'm alive now I shouldn't be.
2014- 5 months in a psychiatric hospital over 3 admissions and Librium detoxes. I wasn't allowed do their addiction programme because they felt I was suicidal. I was discharged and then detained under the Mental Health Act. Drank as soon as I was discharged each time.
December 2014-January 2015 accepted to another treatment centre regarded as best in Europe. Intense and so tough only woman for most of it but drank within an hour of release.
I hate social media- not on Facebook Twitter etc. so even selecting a username for SR was hard but I am a hopeless case. Off sick from work today just want this to end I can't cope. I am a logical person I know what I need to do but I just can't stop. My GP two psychiatrists and psychologist are understandably done with me. Just cancelled another appointment last minute. I am on anti-depressants and anti- psychotics so black out after 2 glasses (wine is my poison) but yet wake up the next morning seeing 3 to 4 empty bottles. I'm in hell.
I've just turned 29 and have been a daily drinker for 10 years apart from periods I've spent in psychiatric hospitals or rehab recently. Prior to that my first drink was at 12 and always problematic and in excess.
I hate drink. I hate it. But it's the only thing I live for (apart from my family but its a different kind of love) I know that is such a paradox- sounds like a contradiction but I hope someone understands.
I know I'm one drink away from wet brain I know I'm going to die but I don't care I want to. Death by 'misadventure' would be easier to accept than suicide but its not 'misadventure' its a constant cumulative deliberate conscious routine. I don't know how I'm alive now I shouldn't be.
2014- 5 months in a psychiatric hospital over 3 admissions and Librium detoxes. I wasn't allowed do their addiction programme because they felt I was suicidal. I was discharged and then detained under the Mental Health Act. Drank as soon as I was discharged each time.
December 2014-January 2015 accepted to another treatment centre regarded as best in Europe. Intense and so tough only woman for most of it but drank within an hour of release.
I hate social media- not on Facebook Twitter etc. so even selecting a username for SR was hard but I am a hopeless case. Off sick from work today just want this to end I can't cope. I am a logical person I know what I need to do but I just can't stop. My GP two psychiatrists and psychologist are understandably done with me. Just cancelled another appointment last minute. I am on anti-depressants and anti- psychotics so black out after 2 glasses (wine is my poison) but yet wake up the next morning seeing 3 to 4 empty bottles. I'm in hell.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
Hopeless,
Have you considered that your drinking is why you feel hopeless and depressed? How did you feel during rehab?
You have the power to take back your life and make it happy. SR can be a great source of support. Welcome!
Have you considered that your drinking is why you feel hopeless and depressed? How did you feel during rehab?
You have the power to take back your life and make it happy. SR can be a great source of support. Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Thank you so much for taking your time to reply...I really appreciate it. Yes absolutely- alcohol is such a depressant and is cancelling out the effects of my meds but if I don't take them I get withdrawals within a couple of hours and if I don't drink I have serious core tremors (was convinced I had Parkinson's for years never made the connection with my drinking...duh). I've had psychological issues since a child and PTSD and alchoholism but its a case of the chicken and the egg...which is the proximate cause?
Rehab centres wouldn't take me because of my psychological problems and psychiatrists wouldn't help me until I got sober...Catch 22.
Yup was still miserable and had SI when in hospital and sober. I'm fundamentally bad news.
Thank you so much again and hope you are happy and healthy your kindness means a lot to me.
Rehab centres wouldn't take me because of my psychological problems and psychiatrists wouldn't help me until I got sober...Catch 22.
Yup was still miserable and had SI when in hospital and sober. I'm fundamentally bad news.
Thank you so much again and hope you are happy and healthy your kindness means a lot to me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hell and welcome. You haven't "ended it" abruptly but you are choosing a slow death. You say you can't ended because you can't leave you mom... What do you think you are doing to her with this behavior?
You are young, this is your life. You have to fight for yourself. Start posting here. I also hate social media and don't have any accounts. This place is nothing like that.
Hope to see you around.
You are young, this is your life. You have to fight for yourself. Start posting here. I also hate social media and don't have any accounts. This place is nothing like that.
Hope to see you around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Thank you Nowsthetime. Yes exactly I'm ruining her life I'm hurting her so much. She is my only prevention the only reason I am here but what good am I to her like this.
I live on my own which facilitates my selfish behaviour. My mum and stepdad have had to break in to my apartment and bring me to A&E on a few occasions. My real Dad hates me says addiction is not a disease but a choice and he's a spiritual healer re-birther and counsellor.
Can other people who aren't alcholics not understand that we are not doing this for pleasure every drop is pure and utter misery.
I live on my own which facilitates my selfish behaviour. My mum and stepdad have had to break in to my apartment and bring me to A&E on a few occasions. My real Dad hates me says addiction is not a disease but a choice and he's a spiritual healer re-birther and counsellor.
Can other people who aren't alcholics not understand that we are not doing this for pleasure every drop is pure and utter misery.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: US East Coast
Posts: 1,972
It sounds like you need a medically supervised detox. PTSD is a tough one. Do you have access to a psychiatrist who knows how to treat it? Drinking makes it worse since it facilitates the "do-loop" of replaying bad memories.
Are you still dealing with a lot of stress in your life?
Are you still dealing with a lot of stress in your life?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: The Northland
Posts: 600
Don't give up on yourself. You've found a great community here with someone online 24/7. We won't give up on you either. Look around the boards, besides Newcomers there's a 24 hour thread, a monthly thread you can be part of, a special weekend thread, and many more. Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
You are causing this to your mom but honestly, you have to do this for yourself. She would just be happy seeing YOU happy. Also, forget about your dad and his "religious" ways. This is about you. Have you heard of AVRT? It has really helped me.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Indiana
Posts: 35
I drank to shut my mind off. And many times if off was permanent that would be OK with me. But I have found that to shall pass. Every day is a little easier. I have support here and I know I am doing this for ME.
Decide it is time and get to a detox if needed. But you have to make the choice that the time has come and you don't want to be like this anymore. Stay strong .
I read a post and this weeks post it notes all over my house is. I CAN.....I WILL.....END OF STORY.....
You can do it. Life is brighter on this side of sober.
Decide it is time and get to a detox if needed. But you have to make the choice that the time has come and you don't want to be like this anymore. Stay strong .
I read a post and this weeks post it notes all over my house is. I CAN.....I WILL.....END OF STORY.....
You can do it. Life is brighter on this side of sober.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
You remind me of me, back in my insane drinking mixed with prescription drug days -- and nights. Like you I went to several hospitals. Sometimes I volunteered to go into the hospital and other times I was taken there against my will and locked away for a short periods of time.
You remind me of me because, so many times upon my discharge (even though I thought it not to be best), in very short time I would have a drink in my hand. Also at most times adding a few prescription pills and some pot to the mix.
AA, church and this site have helped me to stay clean and sober.
No one it seems, knows for sure what damage can be done to the body and mind when mixing prescription drugs with alcohol. Let's face the truth here. Although I never listened or cared, most prescriptions tell us not to do this.
Mountainmanbob
You remind me of me because, so many times upon my discharge (even though I thought it not to be best), in very short time I would have a drink in my hand. Also at most times adding a few prescription pills and some pot to the mix.
AA, church and this site have helped me to stay clean and sober.
No one it seems, knows for sure what damage can be done to the body and mind when mixing prescription drugs with alcohol. Let's face the truth here. Although I never listened or cared, most prescriptions tell us not to do this.
Mountainmanbob
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Groundhogday I'm so touched by your kindness. Thank you. I have no friends really and feel that counselling is self-indulgent. Yes I have two psychiatrists one for my mental disorder one specialises in addiction but neither can help until I get sober its all my fault. I don't see a way of overcoming either without overcoming one so it is a Catch 22.
I'm so sorry for taking up your time hope you are doing good and have a great day and thank you so much again
I'm so sorry for taking up your time hope you are doing good and have a great day and thank you so much again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
BernieE you are a sweetheart thank you so much for welcoming me. I was worried about joining a site with recovering alcholics as I feel like a fraud given I'm not one day sober yet and don't want to say anything to trigger or jeopardise someone elses recovery. I will try my best and hopefully some day I can help someone else like you guys who replied have helped me. Chat soon hopefully
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Nowsthetime thank you so much for replying to me. Yes exactly I am doing this to her. I can't be happy until she is happy but I understand she can't be happy with a daughter like me. I've never heard of AVRT...what is it? Thank you so much
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
You should change your name to HopefulCase. People don't register and post here because they are hopeless. They register and post because they are hoping to find answers and solutions. We never actually hear from the hopeless folks. They're out there, but they aren't posting here.
Change is possible, therefore hope is reasonable.
Sounds like you have a lot of work to do, but you can do this.
Change is possible, therefore hope is reasonable.
Sounds like you have a lot of work to do, but you can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Rainbug you are so kind. Us alcholics are meant to be self obsessed?! Eh definately not in my case or anyone I've been lucky enough to meet on this site. I have to say any person man or woman I've met via AA have been amazing and selfless but I've been too dedicated to my drinking to accept their offers to meet up etc. Thank you for your support and hope you are doing good... take care
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
MountainmanBob I can't believe you read and replied to my post its surreal as reading yours this morning prompted me to register. You just make so much sense and I identified with you. I live in a city- Dublin Ireland but in the grave that is my apartment up the mountains (suburbs apparently) I may as well live in the jungle. I think I'm doing no harm to others because I'm always alone but I am. This is not living its existing. How can a substance have such an unbelievable hold on us?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
AVRT -Addictive Voice Recognition Techniques.
I learned about it here and it has really make a difference. I have also learned a lot of tools to keep my sobriety going. First thing you need is a plan. I suggest that you start reading around here and start building your sobriety arsenal. When I first signed up for SR what I did the most was read around. Reading other people's stories really touched me and helped me start building my sobriety arsenal. When I first signed up for SR what I did the most was read around. Reading other people's stories really touched me and help me get perspective on what alcoholism is. This place has really made a difference in educating me and I believe knowledge is power. The first step is wanting it and acknowledging your problem.
Welcome to the family. You CAN do this!!!
I learned about it here and it has really make a difference. I have also learned a lot of tools to keep my sobriety going. First thing you need is a plan. I suggest that you start reading around here and start building your sobriety arsenal. When I first signed up for SR what I did the most was read around. Reading other people's stories really touched me and helped me start building my sobriety arsenal. When I first signed up for SR what I did the most was read around. Reading other people's stories really touched me and help me get perspective on what alcoholism is. This place has really made a difference in educating me and I believe knowledge is power. The first step is wanting it and acknowledging your problem.
Welcome to the family. You CAN do this!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Nonsensical thank you so much for your reply. You're right and I'm so sorry for being negative and morbid but I'm not on any social media anymore and that's how I felt when I registered...I have PR qualifications ridiculous. You're so kind for replying to me I hope I get out of this and can be a support to all you guys in the future if I live. Hope you're having a good day thanks again
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: southeastern USA
Posts: 310
HopelessCase:
You are so gracious and kind and loving! You clearly have a gift for being sensitive to the needs of others as evidenced by your live and concern for your family, as well as taking the time to individually praise and thank all who have responded. I see a beautiful spirit in you! Please share your compassion and love with yourself. Care for and speak to yourself as you would to a loved one who needed help. You are totally worth it!!
You are so gracious and kind and loving! You clearly have a gift for being sensitive to the needs of others as evidenced by your live and concern for your family, as well as taking the time to individually praise and thank all who have responded. I see a beautiful spirit in you! Please share your compassion and love with yourself. Care for and speak to yourself as you would to a loved one who needed help. You are totally worth it!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 14
Nowsthetime you are amazing. I'm deeply touched honestly. You are SO right and reading these threads have helped me so much felt previously that I was the worst in the world. Don't even know what to say to be honest- you are such a special person hope you have the best life ever
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
