FreeOwl

It's been a good trip.... this business trip. Another series of events that helped put some things behind me in sobriety, and also more small everyday victories of being in drinking settings without drinking.

But dang.... at least a dozen times this week I've been plagued with a niggling little "wish I could drink".... "I'd like to have one of those beers"... "Everyone ELSE is drinking".

These thoughts don't linger, they don't really impact me greatly, they don't bring me down. But they bubble up. That bothers me.

I don't feel vulnerable to those messages or any real compulsion to drink at all. I just wish those messages wouldn't crop up at all to begin with!!

Today it occurred to me that what a lot of us say about so-called "normal" people may not actually be true. We often say "Normal people don't have these messages in their heads".

But hang on.... let me take my lady for example; she never has more than two drinks. In the years I've known her... I think I've only seen her have more than ONE on about three occasions. However... I HAVE seen her say "I'd really like a beer right now" and even "Man.... I could use a DRINK!!".

So it occurred to me that maybe to some extent these messages actually ARE NORMAL. Like, maybe it's just simply going to happen. Maybe we will need to come to accept that in sobriety, we will continue to have that thought or that desire arise. It makes sense that when everyone around us is saying "MAN!!! I'd like a beer" and they have one - that we'd feel that urge as well.

And now I'm rambling. I guess my point is that it's bothering me a little these past two days and I needed to share to get it off my chest and help keep it from getting me in a vulnerable place.

Thanks...

least

It could also be that when 'normal' people think that - Man, I'd like a beer - they mean A beer, or One drink, whereas we alkies drink much more than that. I know when I thought, "I'd like some wine", it meant, a lot of wine. At least, for me it did.

FreeOwl

yeah, I know... there are multiple differences.

I guess I just meant to say that maybe it's going to be "normal" to have those kind of thoughts.

Maybe they never really 'go away'.

Maybe it's just going to be freaking annoying sometimes.

SoberLeigh

When those types of thoughts visit (and, thankfully, they have for the most part lost my name, number and street address) they only linger for a moment before I realize that that lovely glass of wine would turn into an empty, practically guzzled bottle. Yeah, lovely indeed . . .

Life has been so much better; I never want to go back.

And, yes, 'normies, are normal is their drinking habits and thought patterns; they are most fortunate.

trachemys

least nailed it. They mean "a" drink. We mean a half-gallon.

My sister asked me the other day if I'd been behaving, no drinking, not even "a" beer. Again, they don't understand. She can have one margarita and be satisfied. The only affect an ounce or two of tequila has on me is spur me to get more and I'll see you in a day or two.

The messages are normal. Our reactions to the substance are abnormal. Acknowledge the message. Don't participate in the madness.

Eshgham

I'm with you. Urges to temporarily enhance positive, or avoid negative situations are completely normal and everyone probably has them. But I think there can be a great deal of pleasure and pride in not giving in and behaving in a way that strives toward fulfilling long term rather than extremely short term desires.

least

I think it's normal to have occasional thoughts of drinking. How we respond to those thoughts is what counts. Even after well over five years sober, I still sometimes think of drinking. But the thought is stopped in its tracks by the logical, practical part of my mind.

Aellyce

Hi FreeOwl.

Glad you posted this. I'm completely with least on the quantity and satisfaction issue. When I sometimes have fleeting thoughts like this now, I make myself recall vividly the memory of how I used to feel after having one or two drink, during the last 2-3 years before I quit. Like a ravenous monster -- it did nothing to me except it initiated a gigantic craving for more. A lot more. Sometimes when I have these ideas about drinking socially, I remind myself that I don't actually like that; it was so long ago when I enjoyed "decent" social drinking, or even one or two drinks to relax, that I remember it more like a surreal dream than my down-to-earth reality. What I remember, what my reality had become: the ravenous craving to drink into insanity and oblivion, either by myself or with another binger or alcoholic -- nothing normal. And then I would not want to stop. I doubt the "normies" think that way.

It's good for me now to respond on this thread because I am also on a business trip, and had a passing thought like the above, or two, in the past few days. I think it's more triggered by the presence of my alcoholic ex here (with whom we did that collective drinking into insanity countless times, I wrote about him here many times) at this conference -- a very classic trigger type. I have not seen him in this kind of condition, for many days in a row, since 2012. And back in 2012, it was the "insanity" experience, nothing else. So... I relate to you a little bit right now Luckily I am traveling with much better company (with a good friend who rarely drinks), that helps, too.

Another one I can share, and it helps me often, is my far past experience with another addiction-like malady, eating disorders. Back then, for years, I thought there would probably be never a time when I would not crave those extreme controlling obsessions (with weight), either restricting my eating or extreme binges followed by purging, depending on which period. I can report to you that the desire stopped and disappeared entirely for me. Took about 3 years to completion. Never once had a temptation since; what remains, if anything, is that I'm quite mindful of healthy eating habits. No obsession, no guilt, no fear, no issues with food whatsoever. So in some ways, I have faith that perhaps I'll luck out with the alcoholism as well eventually... but I don't rely on such a belief either.

Finally, another thing I like to think: just whatever impulses all normal people have, without acting on them. Things like I want to yell at someone to get out of my way because they are walking too slowly... or I want to not show up at a work meeting and not tell anyone because I'm feeling lazy... want to have sex with my married boss, or the stranger sitting next to me on the airplane... want to tell someone about some of my craziest and most inappropriate fantasies that are totally out of place... etc etc. I did a few of these in my life, but I prefer not to now. I don't punish myself though, or even feel guilty, for the thoughts and desires. I don't think they are abnormal. Just don't act on them.

Hope your urges pass soon -- wish me the same, I have two more days to go

Soberpotamus

I think it's normal to have the thoughts, sure. I have them once in a while. I just know that my urge to drink takes me places that my husband's once-in-a-blue-moon urge to drink never will. My body chemistry responds to alcohol in a different way than his does. And I just accept that it's ok that my brain has those remembrances of the drug that his never had. We've discussed this at length. He never feels euphoric when he drinks. He just feels a little buzz, and then gets tired. So he stops before he ever gets sick. Alcoholics seem to have that euphoric response to the substance that compels us to keep drinking.

So whenever I find myself feeling wistful or having thoughts of jealousy and wishing I could drink "normally", I remember that those normal drinkers don't really experience it the way we do. I'm an addict and so I must refrain

site1Q84

I don't think the thoughts will ever stop coming. They may come less often, maybe someday even once a month, or once every few months, but I know they'll always be there.

I agree with the quantity thing as well. I really wanted a beer while I was driving home today, and my very next thought was 'No I don't, I want to drink as many as I can before I pass out'
Definitely not a normal thought, but made me remember why I can't have even just one haha

CaseyW

My dad has been sober since 1983. He says that while drinking is never even a remote possibility for him and hasn't been for many years, he'll still a couple of times a year have a thought like, "What beautiful weather--a beer would sure taste good today."

TroyW

Honestly though, I've only ever known a small handful of people who stop at one or two drinks. For everyone else I've ever known once they start drinking, they continue going until it's time for bed.

The difference between us though is, come morning they stop and continue on with regular life. Come morning for me, I keep drinking.

FLCamper

That's interesting: I've never thought about that before: how a "normal" drinker feels the effects of alcohol. And, that it could be a different sensation than what I feel.

Lola23

FreeOwl - thanks for starting this with your post and to everyone who's responding. Just really good thoughts/discussion all around.

FreeOwl

yes, thanks to all of you....

I went out to a great restaurant this evening.... Lot of drinkers all around. I had my go-to of sparkling water with lime. They didn't have pellagrino but I got to try a new one I've never had before and had some really wild cuisine. Took it all in, allowed myself to notice the drinking going on and realized I wasn't missing out on anything. No matter what those messages try to tell me, my life this past 508 days has been real good. In fact, progressively better. I have not suffered a single negative consequence of NOT drinking and NOT doing drugs, and I have in fact seen many many positive consequences of those choices.

Thank you all for helping me respond to the nagging voice of my addicted brain in a positive way that honors what I want my life to be.

Venecia

Terrific post, FreeOwl.

I think you've accomplished two things here:

1. Shared what it often a challenging situation for any of us in recovery and, by example, showed us that we can get through it.

2. Demonstrated with your thoughtful observations how valuable SR is for all of us -- and prompted some excellent feedback from our fellow journeyers.

Thank you.

dwtbd

Hope the rest of the trip goes well, you badass avbuttkicking nondrinker

strangeangel

Also, I hate starting out every day saying I'll have a beer or two. And then the next thing I know I'm drunk and hounding people for cocaine. Man I hate myself. But , I'm in uber going home. Yes only bc there was no blow. But I'm grateful. Home. Yes I'm drunk but I'm safer.

How does one deal with soon to be husband who drinks heavily but responsibly (yes it exists)??? Why am I the lemon ?

Deckard

Coming home from work one day after I quit drinking, I passed a homeless person who was drinking a beer. It was a beautiful evening, and there ran through my mind a fleeting thought: "Ah, how lucky to be him... able to enjoy the night with a nice cold beer."

I have nothing but empathy and compassion for those who are down on their luck, but I hope you will agree that it did not make much sense to envy his state that night.

Nowadays, when I get any similar thoughts, I remember that night and remind myself that they are coming from a place of total and complete lunacy.

OnMyWay7

I like the idea of thinking they're a normal kind of thought but that I just can't act on them and they'll go away.