Day 1 (again) and letting go of my "best friend"
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 32
Day 1 (again) and letting go of my "best friend"
Hi guys - I am returning to this forum with my tail between my legs. After over a month of sobriety I was feeling pretty awesome and great and strong, especially thanks to everyone on this forum. As some of you may remember, I was an active participant and doing super well with sobriety.
And then I went out to a party that I was feeling uncomfortable at. Everyone kept asking me why I wasn't drinking - was I pregnant? No? If not, just have a drink! I thought, I've had no urges to drink while I've been sober, I've been good, I'll just hold a drink so people stop making me so uncomfortable. And I did just have a few sips of wine that day. I didn't even like it - it tasted bitter and gross, nothing like I remember. YUCK.
So I thought, maybe after over-a-month of not drinking I no longer have a drinking problem and I can go with a few sips and be good. This was three weeks ago, and I stopped using this forum.
With this mentality in mind I went to another party which was serving margaritas. My "few sips" turned into eight full margaritas on an empty stomach. Drunk girl at the party, not cute. Still, I thought, that was an isolated occasion. I went out with friends a few days later, planning to not drink. Instead I ended up drinking half a bottle of sparkling wine.
Okay, I thought, that wasn't good, but at least I'm not drinking alone, - that was my big problem before. Plus, I'm no longer an outsider, I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm no longer having to be awkward about "not drinking." My work, which I hate, had become tolerable because I know that I could have a fun "girls night" with wine after.
And at first, all this was true. But just yesterday, I went in the morning to get some coffee from the break room, and saw an open bottle of wine (I work in a place where there are a lot of drinking events in the office, this must have been left over). It was 11:45 AM. I was working on a stressful project that I hated and, having remembered how much easier it used to be working on things I hated while drinking, I thought - why not? So I got a clean coffee cup, filled it up with wine, went discreetly to my office and did my project efficiently and perfectly. My bosses and the clients gave me praises.
But today I am disgusted with myself. My time being sober and using this forum and reading books on alcohol - I know it is a poison and I've been slowly poisoning myself for almost fifteen years, and I'm only 29. Frankly, "relapsing" (or whatever the term is) just isn't fun when you know the truth, and the truth is that I'm ingesting something that is killing me, and I have some problem in my head that I'm never going to be a casual, happy, few-sips drinker.
I know I need to be sober, for the rest of my life, that alcohol can no longer be a part of my life again. I know that in my soul but I want to cry as I write this.
I've had a longer relationship with alcohol than any person in my life - I have a difficult relationship with my family, I only met my husband ten years ago, and my friends are even newer. Alcohol has been in so many ways my friend, maybe my best friend, who is kind of a horrible friend but who I've had fun times with and who has been there to counsel me though rough patches - not just in my personal life but at work too. (How many friends are there like that???) I also feel doomed to live as an outsider to everyone I know who has a normal relationship with alcohol, who will always be looking at me like I am an alien who has no self-control. That's why I gave in in the first place - just to fit in. I now know that I can't ever fit in, and that's what scares me the most. I feel like I am mourning a death.
I am scared and humbled and want to cry but am trying to stay strong. FYI - my husband who has been with me through this whole journey and also through my recent "let's try drinking!" escapades said: YES, please do not drink anymore.
Anyway, I am writing this as a full confession in hopes that (a) someone might identify and understand (or learn) this experience and (b) release so much of the terrible feelings I'm going through. All responses appreciated.
For better or worse.. I'm back on SR.
And then I went out to a party that I was feeling uncomfortable at. Everyone kept asking me why I wasn't drinking - was I pregnant? No? If not, just have a drink! I thought, I've had no urges to drink while I've been sober, I've been good, I'll just hold a drink so people stop making me so uncomfortable. And I did just have a few sips of wine that day. I didn't even like it - it tasted bitter and gross, nothing like I remember. YUCK.
So I thought, maybe after over-a-month of not drinking I no longer have a drinking problem and I can go with a few sips and be good. This was three weeks ago, and I stopped using this forum.
With this mentality in mind I went to another party which was serving margaritas. My "few sips" turned into eight full margaritas on an empty stomach. Drunk girl at the party, not cute. Still, I thought, that was an isolated occasion. I went out with friends a few days later, planning to not drink. Instead I ended up drinking half a bottle of sparkling wine.
Okay, I thought, that wasn't good, but at least I'm not drinking alone, - that was my big problem before. Plus, I'm no longer an outsider, I'm hanging out with my friends, I'm no longer having to be awkward about "not drinking." My work, which I hate, had become tolerable because I know that I could have a fun "girls night" with wine after.
And at first, all this was true. But just yesterday, I went in the morning to get some coffee from the break room, and saw an open bottle of wine (I work in a place where there are a lot of drinking events in the office, this must have been left over). It was 11:45 AM. I was working on a stressful project that I hated and, having remembered how much easier it used to be working on things I hated while drinking, I thought - why not? So I got a clean coffee cup, filled it up with wine, went discreetly to my office and did my project efficiently and perfectly. My bosses and the clients gave me praises.
But today I am disgusted with myself. My time being sober and using this forum and reading books on alcohol - I know it is a poison and I've been slowly poisoning myself for almost fifteen years, and I'm only 29. Frankly, "relapsing" (or whatever the term is) just isn't fun when you know the truth, and the truth is that I'm ingesting something that is killing me, and I have some problem in my head that I'm never going to be a casual, happy, few-sips drinker.
I know I need to be sober, for the rest of my life, that alcohol can no longer be a part of my life again. I know that in my soul but I want to cry as I write this.
I've had a longer relationship with alcohol than any person in my life - I have a difficult relationship with my family, I only met my husband ten years ago, and my friends are even newer. Alcohol has been in so many ways my friend, maybe my best friend, who is kind of a horrible friend but who I've had fun times with and who has been there to counsel me though rough patches - not just in my personal life but at work too. (How many friends are there like that???) I also feel doomed to live as an outsider to everyone I know who has a normal relationship with alcohol, who will always be looking at me like I am an alien who has no self-control. That's why I gave in in the first place - just to fit in. I now know that I can't ever fit in, and that's what scares me the most. I feel like I am mourning a death.
I am scared and humbled and want to cry but am trying to stay strong. FYI - my husband who has been with me through this whole journey and also through my recent "let's try drinking!" escapades said: YES, please do not drink anymore.
Anyway, I am writing this as a full confession in hopes that (a) someone might identify and understand (or learn) this experience and (b) release so much of the terrible feelings I'm going through. All responses appreciated.
For better or worse.. I'm back on SR.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Cambie. I went through that same progression a few times myself. Early on I could moderate my drinking for a bit, but inevitably I always returned to everyday binge drinking. The more times I did it, the quicker it happened too.
Regarding the fears of being an outsider because of sobriety, that's just your AV/Addiction feeding you a line of BS. More people interact socially without alcohol than with it. Granted you may find that some of your friends are merely "drinking buddies" but you will meet new people and realize that most people go about their lives drinking either very little or nothing at all.
I am glad you are back and hope SR can be of help in you getting back on track. Have you considered any other local support to supplement?
Regarding the fears of being an outsider because of sobriety, that's just your AV/Addiction feeding you a line of BS. More people interact socially without alcohol than with it. Granted you may find that some of your friends are merely "drinking buddies" but you will meet new people and realize that most people go about their lives drinking either very little or nothing at all.
I am glad you are back and hope SR can be of help in you getting back on track. Have you considered any other local support to supplement?
Re-Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 7,908
Originally Posted by cambie03 
Frankly, "relapsing" (or whatever the term is) just isn't fun when you know the truth, and the truth is that I'm ingesting something that is killing me, and I have some problem in my head that I'm never going to be a casual, happy, few-sips drinker.
I was 27 years old in July 2002 when I decided I couldn't control my drinking and went to my first AA meeting. I'm now 40 years old and the longest period of sobriety I've had since then is 69 days back when I first discovered SR in 2013. And you are absolutely right--the drinking pretty much 100% ceased being fun ever since that day in July 2002. There's always this thought in the back of my head of "I know there's a better way of life out there for me."
I'm on day 12 again right now and am really trying to be active in my recovery for the first time ever. Don't be like me and waste 13 more years of your life to the bottle when you know it's hurting you.
Originally Posted by cambie03
For better or worse.. I'm back on SR.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Your story has been told a million times. 6 years without drinking and what could a glass of wine hurt? That glass of wine put me into a death spiral that almost killed me.
When i was ready to get sober AA saved my life
When i was ready to get sober AA saved my life
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by cambie03
That's a good question and as silly as it sounds, I haven't thought of it yet - any recommendations on things to do differently?
Alcohol has been in so many ways my friend, maybe my best friend, who is kind of a horrible friend but who I've had fun times with and who has been there to counsel me though rough patches - not just in my personal life but at work too. (How many friends are there like that???) I also feel doomed to live as an outsider to everyone I know who has a normal relationship with alcohol, who will always be looking at me like I am an alien who has no self-control. That's why I gave in in the first place - just to fit in. I now know that I can't ever fit in, and that's what scares me the most. I feel like I am mourning a death.
The alcoholic living in my head tells me exactly what I want to hear so that I will drink again. You're a misfit if you don't drink. Alcohol is your friend. You can handle it now. Next time will be different.
All lies.
The most difficult thing I have had to come to terms with is that part of my brain is actively betraying me. That part is addicted to alcohol and it wants more. It is a liar and a thief that will kill me if I let it.
I stopped taking advice from a known liar and my life got better. I highly recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Somewhere on the East Coast
Posts: 579
Cambie - good work on coming back. I'm just back too...basically did the same thing you did -- a few weeks/months sober and thought I was ready to "drink like a normal person".
I'm sorry you feel like crying, if it makes you feel any better at all, I feel like crying just reading your account b/c I have been there many many times.
Re drinking at work: about a month and 1/2 ago, I pulled a bottle of vodka that someone had given my boss over Christmas out of the freezer and poured it into a water bottle, and continued to work and drink for the next few hours until it was time to go home. Yes of course I was driving home.
When he received it from one of our clients, we put in the freezer, saying one day we would pull it out when we were done with a big project or something. Even though just about everyone in my office drinks to some extent, no one mentioned that bottle again, everyone had forgotten about it...except me. I thought about pulling it out discretely and taking it home many, many times (who would know...people would assume the cleaning people took it, right?). Finally I went for it and emptied about half the bottle, refilled with water just in case anyone checked for it.
I'm not sure why I just mentioned that except to say you are certainly not alone.
Glad you're here. Seems to be a lot of "I'm back after a period of drinking posts today".
I'm sorry you feel like crying, if it makes you feel any better at all, I feel like crying just reading your account b/c I have been there many many times.
Re drinking at work: about a month and 1/2 ago, I pulled a bottle of vodka that someone had given my boss over Christmas out of the freezer and poured it into a water bottle, and continued to work and drink for the next few hours until it was time to go home. Yes of course I was driving home.
When he received it from one of our clients, we put in the freezer, saying one day we would pull it out when we were done with a big project or something. Even though just about everyone in my office drinks to some extent, no one mentioned that bottle again, everyone had forgotten about it...except me. I thought about pulling it out discretely and taking it home many, many times (who would know...people would assume the cleaning people took it, right?). Finally I went for it and emptied about half the bottle, refilled with water just in case anyone checked for it.
I'm not sure why I just mentioned that except to say you are certainly not alone.
Glad you're here. Seems to be a lot of "I'm back after a period of drinking posts today".
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,914
Glad you're back! That's much better than continuing on drinking.
Sounds like you know what you need to do, you just need to figure out how to make it happen.
Have you tried any local meetings to supplement being on here? Maybe getting some new literature on alcoholics. I started eating better and exercising more in addition to spending a few hours on here everyday and adding in face to face meetings after my first few 'Day 1's'
I say try everything that's available to you and see what works best!
Sounds like you know what you need to do, you just need to figure out how to make it happen.
Have you tried any local meetings to supplement being on here? Maybe getting some new literature on alcoholics. I started eating better and exercising more in addition to spending a few hours on here everyday and adding in face to face meetings after my first few 'Day 1's'
I say try everything that's available to you and see what works best!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome back Cambie. Like others have said, many of us have been though what you are going through; I know I have.
What's your game plan to stay sober going forward? You made it a month, so you can make it through the early days. You just need to tweak your plan for when the memories of what led you to not drinking fade.
Sounds like you are definitely ready.
We are here to help!
What's your game plan to stay sober going forward? You made it a month, so you can make it through the early days. You just need to tweak your plan for when the memories of what led you to not drinking fade.
Sounds like you are definitely ready.
We are here to help!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Welcome back.
Maybe it's time to lay off the party scene? I know it can seem crazy and hopeless and like it's the END OF THE WORLD, but it's a huge help to simply stay away from this kind of stuff in early sobriety. What's the worst that could happen if you stay home with a bowl of popcorn? After a while, you'll feel silly that you even went to those things in the first place.
Good luck on staying sober TODAY. Keep doing that, and you'll be fine. Again welcome back.
Maybe it's time to lay off the party scene? I know it can seem crazy and hopeless and like it's the END OF THE WORLD, but it's a huge help to simply stay away from this kind of stuff in early sobriety. What's the worst that could happen if you stay home with a bowl of popcorn? After a while, you'll feel silly that you even went to those things in the first place.
Good luck on staying sober TODAY. Keep doing that, and you'll be fine. Again welcome back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi Cambie and welcome back. Reading your post really was a good reminder that I can never have "just a sip. Surely a sip won't hurt?" Your account is a well written description of the descent into drinking full time again.
I second what BigSombrero said. Avoid the party scene if you can't say "no" to the questions. It isn't their business whether you are drinking alcohol, what you are drinking, whether you are drinking anything at all. You are at that age though that if you are a regular drinker, you are married and don't have children, people are probably going to ask if you are pregnant or not. I know that in the past I was insensitive enough to ask that question of a friend. That was before I knew any better. Maybe take a pass on social situations for a bit.
One thing that you can change - And then I went out to a party that I was feeling uncomfortable at. When you are uncomfortable - LEAVE. This is your brain saying "get me out of here. I shouldn't be here." Leave.
Keep posting here for support. Read and post. Maybe consider face to face support as well.
I second what BigSombrero said. Avoid the party scene if you can't say "no" to the questions. It isn't their business whether you are drinking alcohol, what you are drinking, whether you are drinking anything at all. You are at that age though that if you are a regular drinker, you are married and don't have children, people are probably going to ask if you are pregnant or not. I know that in the past I was insensitive enough to ask that question of a friend. That was before I knew any better. Maybe take a pass on social situations for a bit.
One thing that you can change - And then I went out to a party that I was feeling uncomfortable at. When you are uncomfortable - LEAVE. This is your brain saying "get me out of here. I shouldn't be here." Leave.
Keep posting here for support. Read and post. Maybe consider face to face support as well.
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