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Day 3...

Old 05-18-2015, 09:44 AM
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Day 3...

which is further than I've made it for a long time. I'm terrified, as usual. For lots of reasons. I don't know who I am without alcohol. As much as I know alcohol is destroying me, I have such anxiety without it. It makes me feel more confident, more secure, more comfortable in my own skin. Quitting makes me feel like an abandoned child. Like everyone in my family AND my best friend just died and I am alone, raw and exposed.
Also, there have always been 3 people in my marriage. Me, my husband, and alcohol. I'm afraid of what will happen if alcohol is no longer a part of that equation. How will we relate to each other? I don't know how to navigate this and literally feel like I'm being ripped away from my husband. I'm afraid alcohol is the one and only thing we have in common. I always go back to drinking partly to feel closer to my husband. (Ironically it has also caused many ugly drunken fights between us). I feel crazy. Like there are two separate me's. The one who wants desperately to live a fulfilling sober life, and the one who is terrified of that and of life without alcohol and tells me I can't do it anyway so I might as well keep numbing myself and coping the only way I've ever known how to cope until I finally just die. I really want to listen to the first me for once and make it through Day 3. Thank you all for listening to me. Again.
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Old 05-18-2015, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Eliasson View Post
Like there are two separate me's. The one who wants desperately to live a fulfilling sober life, and the one who is terrified of that and of life without alcohol and tells me I can't do it anyway so I might as well keep numbing myself and coping the only way I've ever known how to cope until I finally just die.
One's you. The other is your addiction. Recovery is all about listening to the first, and coping with the other without resorting to drinking.

Your obsession with alcohol and fear of living without it is heartbreaking. We all had it, all of us who drank. Those of us who are successful in our recovery made it past the fear. So can you.

I can tell you, nothing is more freeing than to be living without the constant thought of alcohol and drinking. But the only way to get there is to remain sober long enough for the miracle to happen.

And if SR isn't enough to get there, find a program/method/plan that will get you and keep you sober.
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Old 05-18-2015, 10:00 AM
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Hi Eliasson,

I was also very scared to stop drinking because I had no idea how I would get through the days. The insanity of alcoholism is that it creates the obsessive need that we are so afraid to let go of. I felt like I had to take a leap of faith because I knew I couldn't continue drinking, and yet I had no idea what was to come along with recovery. I hope that you continue on your path and congratulations on Day 3!
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Old 05-18-2015, 10:12 AM
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Hang in there..I understand your fears. My husband and I were drinking partners for a long time. Getting to know each other sober is scary but I have faith that in the long run it will all work itself out for the best. You need to take care of yourself first. Trust me when I say that you will start feeling better the longer you stay sober. Glad you are here!
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Old 05-18-2015, 10:31 AM
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Congrats on 3 days!!!

Originally Posted by Eliasson View Post
I feel crazy. Like there are two separate me's. The one who wants desperately to live a fulfilling sober life, and the one who is terrified of that and of life without alcohol and tells me I can't do it anyway so I might as well keep numbing myself and coping the only way I've ever known how to cope until I finally just die.
I totally get it. Totally. At one time I literally believed I was going insane. There was no earthly reason why I should want to drink, but all the while I was trying not to drink I was having this voice in my head telling me to drink. Then I would argue with that voice. This made me restless and anxious. I would pace around my house unable to sit still, this silent battle no one else could see or hear raging in my head. Maddening!

It seemed like the only way to shut that battle down and get peace in my head was to give in and drink. But read this carefully...

That's - the - only - way - to - keep - that - battle - going.

Feeding it more alcohol just guarantees you'll be having that battle again in the future. Starving it stops it.

Starving it stops it. It takes a while, longer than we alcoholics like to wait, but starving it stops it.

That voice in my head telling me I should drink again is a liar and a thief. So is yours. Starve it.

You can do this!
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Old 05-18-2015, 10:48 AM
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Day 3 is fantastic!! Keep it going!!
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Old 05-18-2015, 03:42 PM
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Try and stay in the day Eliasson - there's a lot of big What if questions that simply can't be resolved yet.

All you need to do today (and tomorrow and the next day...etc) is stay sober.

Get some solid recovery behind you and then you can look at those big questions

D
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Old 05-18-2015, 03:44 PM
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Good to see you Eliasson - 3 days is a great accomplishment.
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