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Feelings of Hopelessness

Old 05-17-2015, 06:50 PM
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Feelings of Hopelessness

I feel like I'm chasing unicorns when I post on here. I know I want to get clean but I keep finding excuses to fail. One thing that really helped me over the past year was the gym. I had my ups and downs with sobriety, but making myself work out gave me my best days.

Unfortunately, finding a job after a year of unemployment came with the good and the bad. The paycheck was nice, but not being able to work out at 2pm pushed me into the crowded post 5pm hours. I joined my company's gym, which absolutely sucks. Not only do I feel weird working out with coworkers, but it's small, there's no squat rack, and it's mostly cardio equipment. I like to grunt, sweat, and push myself, and I can't do that there.

Today I rejoined my old gym. I really want to take some classes there too, which I've never done before. I also joined a nonprofit fitness group. I was hesitant at first because it's really geared towards in-need people struggling with stuff. But if I can swallow my pride, I can accept the fact that I'm exactly one of those people. I know I've said on here that I'm studying for my personal trainer certification, but I'd love to maybe eventually volunteer with that group to help others overcome addiction or whatever through fitness.

As it is, I'm nowhere near that. I hate myself for it, but I can't break the vicious cycle. I feel like when it comes to addiction you need to want to overcome it. I really want to but I always find a reason to drink. It's annoying. When I didn't think about my problem, the notion of sobriety didn't seem like a big deal. Now that I want to be sober, it feels hopeless.
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Old 05-17-2015, 07:07 PM
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Hey Philly. I get it. I go through the same thing. You can remove weightlifting and insert any hobby or personal goal. For instance I used to whitewater kayak all the time. When I was on the rivers I was fine but as soon as I was finished for the day and the adrenaline was gone I started thinking about drinking. It came to a point when I wasn't on the river it was my out to drink. I learned through this site that I cannot be preoccupied all the time with my hobbies and goals. It came down to do I want to be sober or drunk. Just wanted to share to say your not alone in what your going through. It took me a long time to understand it but it finally sank in.
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Old 05-17-2015, 07:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Charlie117926 View Post
Hey Philly. I get it. I go through the same thing. You can remove weightlifting and insert any hobby or personal goal. For instance I used to whitewater kayak all the time. When I was on the rivers I was fine but as soon as I was finished for the day and the adrenaline was gone I started thinking about drinking. It came to a point when I wasn't on the river it was my out to drink. I learned through this site that I cannot be preoccupied all the time with my hobbies and goals. It came down to do I want to be sober or drunk. Just wanted to share to say your not alone in what your going through. It took me a long time to understand it but it finally sank in.
Thanks, Charlie. You hit the nail on the head with: it comes down to wanting to be sober or drunk. My problem is, I want to be sober on paper, I see the person I want to be, hell I pretend to be him. I just don't know how to get there. This site helps sometimes but a message board can only help so much with something so personal. My friends have been understanding but they don't get it. It just sucks because the more I think about it, and the more I accept my place as a drunk, the more helpless I feel.
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Old 05-17-2015, 07:28 PM
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I know how you feel. The one Good thing about this message board is one can be honest. I lied for years to everyone around me that I was fine and that I had no problem but the water weakens the dam and my dam was about to burst. When I finally decided to get honest this site was my main avenue because I had to get honest with someone or I wasn't going to change. The struggle is ongoing but each time I have a new day one (regrettably) my sober time goes further than the time before. As for friends? Your right they don't get it. Most of those "friends" didnt want me to quit drinking because then they would lose there drinking buddy. I have a core group that understands but the other ones? I took them out With last weeks trash if you know what I mean. You gotta do this for you.
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Old 05-17-2015, 08:07 PM
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Being , feeling drunk that's easy we all get that, viscerally. Even at times being resigned to being a drunk, But it doesn't need to be that way, grab the part that doesn't want to be resigned to it and fight to be rid of it. You deserve the chance to be rid of it.
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Old 05-18-2015, 04:24 AM
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Hi philly76,
You've joined a fitness group of "in- need people struggling with stuff", and you realize you're one of them. It sounds like a great idea to really get involved with this group.
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