Forgiveness
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 378
For me to forgive is to let go.
You refocus. You change the direction of your thoughts. You don't dwell on it anymore, you focus on doing something good instead. Towards yourself or towards others. And then anger and resentment melt away. You have let go.
You refocus. You change the direction of your thoughts. You don't dwell on it anymore, you focus on doing something good instead. Towards yourself or towards others. And then anger and resentment melt away. You have let go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thank you EndGame. I really never fully processed or properly grieved my sister or for my mother. I will look into grief counseling. My questions were really more rhetorical. I wasn't asking you to necessarily answer them directly. Thanks
And thank all of you who responded in this thread! Complex issue for sure.
And thank all of you who responded in this thread! Complex issue for sure.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I sort of tend to have the opposite kind of problem... forgiving a bit too easily and fast, apparently letting go and accepting things... it took me a great deal of work to realize it's only superficial, a form of developed repression and denial, in part most likely driven by components of my temperament, and also dues to the fact that I faced and survived more than one or two deaths close to me. There was an ex-bf, chronic depression and eventual suicide... a close friend, medical mistake... another bf, epilepsy combined with drug addiction... my mother with whom I had a very weird relationship with, old age and illness (I told you about that before)... more recently, another close friend, cancer, just before I got sober... I even survived my own near death experience at 19.
I definitely did not grieve the death of those loved ones after they happened, and each of them came back haunting me in different ways later, and then I had to deal with them in some form. What's interesting for me is that these don't tend to manifest for me as anger or bottled up resentments, I am one of those people who's prone to repressing anger and have always been. My more dominant defenses seem to be compartmentalization and displacement (of feelings).
I sometimes tell myself that I am just transforming the painful emotions into new experiences, new relationships... but I can't lie to myself anymore, it's not transformation in a true transcendental sense, it's displacement. My therapist once jokingly described it as some kind of "premature Buddhahood" -- alluding to the fact it's not true inner peace. After a considerable amount of self work over many years, I sometimes still have no clue where certain feelings belong, at least initially. I can always come up with new "places" for displacement though, I call them goals
Anyhow, you see, we all have our own personal, in part unique ways of dealing with emotional pains of all kinds. I also very much recommend getting some pro help processing these things. I did not get any formal help either until early last year, and oh my how much easier and faster it is to work through issues that way! It's also much safer. I actually had to learn not to do that sort of work and dig into my mind all the time on my own, even though I'm clearly good at digging and dissecting... but not so much at applying safe methods to practically dealing with what I find. And I'm not talking about drinking only, it's far, far more complex. It's really not a trivial thing to figure out by ourselves, from the inside, how it's best to deal with abuse, loss, and so on.
What you are doing here on SR, posting a lot about your concerns, is great. Reaching out for help is not easy, takes a lot of courage, and you are doing great in that department here definitely.
I definitely did not grieve the death of those loved ones after they happened, and each of them came back haunting me in different ways later, and then I had to deal with them in some form. What's interesting for me is that these don't tend to manifest for me as anger or bottled up resentments, I am one of those people who's prone to repressing anger and have always been. My more dominant defenses seem to be compartmentalization and displacement (of feelings).
I sometimes tell myself that I am just transforming the painful emotions into new experiences, new relationships... but I can't lie to myself anymore, it's not transformation in a true transcendental sense, it's displacement. My therapist once jokingly described it as some kind of "premature Buddhahood" -- alluding to the fact it's not true inner peace. After a considerable amount of self work over many years, I sometimes still have no clue where certain feelings belong, at least initially. I can always come up with new "places" for displacement though, I call them goals
Anyhow, you see, we all have our own personal, in part unique ways of dealing with emotional pains of all kinds. I also very much recommend getting some pro help processing these things. I did not get any formal help either until early last year, and oh my how much easier and faster it is to work through issues that way! It's also much safer. I actually had to learn not to do that sort of work and dig into my mind all the time on my own, even though I'm clearly good at digging and dissecting... but not so much at applying safe methods to practically dealing with what I find. And I'm not talking about drinking only, it's far, far more complex. It's really not a trivial thing to figure out by ourselves, from the inside, how it's best to deal with abuse, loss, and so on.
What you are doing here on SR, posting a lot about your concerns, is great. Reaching out for help is not easy, takes a lot of courage, and you are doing great in that department here definitely.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,712
My favourite book on forgiveness is The Shack by Wm Paul Young.
As other have said it's about letting go.
It's hard to let go if we have a lasting resentment or anger, and it's even harder if its a righteous one...
but I really think letting go is the way to healing.
D
“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established.........Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation.........Forgiveness does not excuse anything.........You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
― Wm. Paul Young, The Shack
It's hard to let go if we have a lasting resentment or anger, and it's even harder if its a righteous one...
but I really think letting go is the way to healing
.D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by ArtFriend 
Thank you EndGame. I really never fully processed or properly grieved my sister or for my mother. I will look into grief counseling. My questions were really more rhetorical. I wasn't asking you to necessarily answer them directly. Thanks
And thank all of you who responded in this thread! Complex issue for sure.
And thank all of you who responded in this thread! Complex issue for sure.
Good on ya for looking into grief counseling. I have had a few instances of grieving in recovery. Each one involved a period of anger and resentment. Each time it took time to get through it.
And I learned something new about myself each time.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,206
one point i remember from a former long-ongoing-email-conversation about forgiving is the mention of forgiving-as-suffering.
as including the willingness to give up a rightful claim of sorts, even if the claim is to the right to carry the resentment.
in most "cases", i see forgiving as accepting others' limitations. accepting as in not holding grudge about their limitations which have hurt me.
as including the willingness to give up a rightful claim of sorts, even if the claim is to the right to carry the resentment.
in most "cases", i see forgiving as accepting others' limitations. accepting as in not holding grudge about their limitations which have hurt me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
