Kefka2099

I went to my second AA meeting yesterday. I am on my way to doing 90 meeting in 90 days. I met a kid there who was my age and he is 8 years sober. His history is similar to mine. He had bad depression, suicide attempts, and drank for those reasons. Now he is a happy person and he is going to stay in touch with me and help me get to meetings when he can.

I am still very broken up about my ex gf leaving me and I am really nervous about court but I feel a small amount of hope now. I am going to keep going to meetings and I am just going to try to take it one day at a time. I am just very very sad right now and I still feel completely broke. I know it will take awhile for me to start to feel better but I am doing what I have to in order to get better.

ArtFriend

Awesome!

FreeOwl

you're on the right track!!

Berrybean

Brilliant. Well done for taking the right steps in the right direction. Sure, you can't solve / repair everything straight away, but you are doing what you can a day at a time. You have a great attitude, and I'm so pleased that you have met some people you can relate to.

Dee74

Glad you have a bit of hope now Kefka

D

Kefka2099

I went to my third meeting tonight. I met someone there who is going to give me a ride to my meeting tomorrow. I finally got the courage to step up infront of the crowd and get my 24 hour chip. I was thinking in 3 months when I have my 3 months of sobriety and I write my letter to my ex girlfriend asking if she is willing to talk to me again and maybe start over with me of putting my 24 hour, 1 month, 2 month, and 3 month chips in the envelope. Does anyone think this would be a good idea to show how far I will have come or am I setting myself up for dissappointment?

buk1000

Kefka, I'm glad things are going well. I would stick to focusing on today right now.

Berrybean

I agree with Buk. Worry about each day at a time. When that day comes, in three months time, then you can think about whether to contact your ex / gf.

I would say though, my chips never seemed to mean as much to my partner (or anyone else) as they did to me. He's more interested in me treating him better now, and not being an emotional nightmare. He has also specified that he doesn't want any apologies or explanations as amends for past wrong doings, so I try to make a living-amends to him by focussing on being loving, tolerant, patient and kind, oh, and not wrecking our finances or flirting outrageously every time I leave the building. But that's just us.

Anyhow, just saying that you may find that she's more interested in hearing how things would be different in your future together than in your chips.

So glad that the meetings are going well for you. I think it's worth finding a sponsor (for the support and knowledge) fairly soon in - I didn't, and think it would have made things much better for me. My reluctance to ask for help stopped me - good old ego huh!! (Steps meetings are fantastic for finding out what each one entails in detail, and gaining insight from others feedback on how the step worked out for them).

Anyway - well done on the 24 hour chip. Looking forward to hearing that you got your week one soon Keep going!

Kefka2099

I went to my 4th meeting tonight. Got some more numbers and I felt pretty good. Now that I am home I am thinking about my ex gf and how I messed it all up and how much I miss her. I am so tired of being in pain. I have had enough for two full lifetimes. I just wish I could go back and fix it. Recovery would have been so much easier with her support by my side.

buk1000

Stay with it Kefka. Each day of sobriety is a day that you're not adding to the pain. Stay with it and it will pay dividends.

Berrybean

So glad to hear the meetings are going well. If you have had enough of being in pain you have gone to the right place. It's still early days, and the pain isn't just going to dissipate straight away. There is work to be done before that will happen, but you will start to feel some relief. Please try to focus on the here and now. This sobriety malarky takes a lot of energy, and you really won't have any to spare for 'crying for the moon', and wishing that you'd behaved different in the past. This is where the acceptance part of the serenity prayer comes in. We can't change the past. We can't change other people. Your part is having the courage to look past your pain; get to meetings; listen and learn; and use your energy to nurture some hope for the future and your recovery.
My experience was that, while going to meetings was (and is) amazing and helpful, the real change (almost like magic) happened for me when I got a sponsor and started working on my steps. I developed my own morning meditation / prayer, which I use every morning to keep me focussed on the day ahead, and keep a copy in my purse just in case my sanity starts slipping if I'm having a tough day. My (most dreaded, but in reality not a problems) Steps 4 & 5 work were the biggest turning point for me - this is when I started to understood the serenity part of The Promises - although lots of The Promises are coming true for me daily now (as long as I keep working for it).

You are doing great, and there is so much more to come for you. Keep going. The girlfriend issue will resolve itself one way or another in time.

Chilledice

Man I have been there myself, had a beautiful woman in my life and she left, I drank and drank and DRANK trying to forget the pain of losing her and I just ended up in an even worse mess! You are doing the right thing by getting sober and getting the help you need, who knows maybe in the future you guys will work out? but even if it doesn't do not lose hope as there are MILLIONS of people out there for you Right now just focus on getting well!

Mankeegan

Wow I'm reading this five years after it was posted. I hope my friend you found real, meaningful, lasting sobriety. It was five years of sobriety before I really felt back to myself. Like you, I had a girl I might have been in love with when I went to rehab....when I came home, she split big time. It hurt so much. I was embarrassed to be an alcoholic, and ashamed of my illness, and I had to get sober. I was blacking out, calling people drunk in the middle of the night, I had been sick for a long time. It was the lowest, darkest point in my life. She was a party girl, got high, drank, not an alcoholic, but not what I needed, in retrospect. Plus, when you get sober, it is scary and lonely, and I was overly needy. It is a cruel reality. It killed me to think of her with another guy. I obsessed about her constantly. Not fun. Two years into recovery we got together to meet. She told me she didn't know how to deal with it, and that's why she stayed away. The injury and loss was too painful for me, and I had grown and changed a lot in those two years. I gave her an "AA hug" and decided to part ways and end the friendship completely. Not saying that is right or wrong. maybe I was too harsh. For me it was the right decision. We were on different trajectories anyway, she confided to me that she had gotten a DUI but I didn't think I could ever trust her again. She said she thought that was sad, but I disagreed and said it was healthy for both of us. I still think of her sometimes, we had some fun times, but I was very sick when we met and I tried to hide it from her. I needed help and I got it. Maybe she was interested still? Who knows...I chose to end it...the world is a better place for it. The good news? I was 25 when this happened....today, I'm 61, and 34 years clean and sober this August 20th, God willing. Hardest and best decision I ever made. I would be dead by now if I didnt...never got married, or had kids, but I am pretty content and at peace with the life I have. It's good! I hope this helps someone.😁