Back Again after a Nightmare Bender.....*slumps head*
 

.....several nightmare benders, actually but this one was the kicker.
So after thinking I didn't need help anymore despite it always being painfully obvious I do need help and support, I am back again on this forum.
The last month has been HELL. And a blurr. And I have succeeded in almost becoming homeless (I was in a shelter for two days), almost going to jail, losing my relationship (this may have happened anyway), ending up in hospital on several occasions including a very well known center for mental health issues and addictions, but most of all hurting people around me and scaring the living crap out of myself and severely re-traumatizing myself. It seems the more scared I get the more I drank and the worse it got.
And Wow. The lies I have spewed surrounding drinking....just Wow. And the manipulation and drama. :gaah
And so now I am coming up with a treatment plan. I am going to see my psychologist today to see what my best route for treatment might be. And I must follow through....not just start it and do it for a short time. In the past I have been the QUEEN of no follow through.
Thanks for reading.

Abdicate that throne Windancer, scary though it may seem, and set yourself free by surrender. You can do this, and you are not alone.

I do hope you follow through with your treatment plan. I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult month.

Keep reading and posting here too. It helps.

Thank you.
I really do have to surrender. I dont know if I ever have before. It is about time I got real about this.
I am on extremely thin ice and I am stark raving terrified. Good motivation to get better I suppose.

Welcome back Windancer!! :)

I think I need to reprogram my brain so I know I will succed instead of always feeling like I will fail no matter wha because I have so many times before. That attitude is obviously not working for me.

I can be such a hypocrite. I love my signature on here.....but do I follow that advice? Not so far.

Welcome back windancer! Considering what you have been through the past month, have you thought about some more intensive treatment options (outpatient, inpatient)?

Welcome back Windancer!

Him Windancer.

Sorry you are going through rough times now.

But glad you are back. I've been thinking how are you doing and where are you.

This site is a place of great support that works magic. Stick to us.

Doesn't matter however dark the place you are in right now, there's always light beyond this. Always.

Hugs to you.

Sending love and hugs to you

You can get better! Keep moving forward!!!

Yes, I am considering that strongly. I am filling out forms and talking to a counsellor about the possible inpatient options on Wednesday. I will be talking to my psychologist about it further today. So right now I dont really know what the plan is, but I am making one. In the past I have jumped at attending inpatient, and I have attended inpatient several times before. Honestly, a part of me wonders why this time would be any different. I have PTSD, anxiety, depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I want to speak to my psychologist about specifcally addressing those things as well, as without that, I believe my chances of success are quite slim.

Good to hear from you again Midnight Blue!

Glad you are here WD !

Windy ,
you'd be surprised at how much of this stuff is exacerbated by drinking .

Once you get sober and start working on your recovery you'll find a lot of other things become more manageable .

Nothing gonna happen in a new york minute and nothing will get better with drink in the picture , I don't know much but i know that much !

nice to see you back and getting back to it ,

m

The silly thing is Mecanix, is that intellectually I know alcohol makes these things so much worse. I am much more stable after a period of sobriety. I just have to keep up that sobriety and I am sure Id get even better. Along with appropriate treatment too, of course.

Sometimes it is possible for something to click that didn't click the last time. Like what Mec alluded to, it may be possible to get some of these issues under control with getting sober and with the treatment approach is ultimately decided upon. Keep us updated. :hug:

Glad to see you back WD and I second the intensive / inpatient treatment idea--
a jumpstart would be very helpful--doing it on your own is much harder when you're facing multiple issues.

Keep posting--sometimes you do "click" when you've had enough and recovery really is possible because you are finally ready.

Welcome back.

Do it.

It is so much better sober.

I had a good appointment with my psychologist. He knows me very well as he has known me since I was 11 (I am now 30).
I always said I had tried AA and it didnt work for me. Now it's clear that is a load of crap I was spewing. I dont think I went to nearly enough meetings to find out. So I am going to go to as many meetings as possible, even if I hate it at first. I'll try a bunch, find a homegroup,and get a sponsor. I'll sincerely and deeply work the 12 steps. Transportation is a bit of an issue as I live in the country with no car. But I am on Disability and they may help with transportation.....and perhaps after a few meetings someone also going nearby could generously give me a ride.
We discussed inpatient. I am kind of a strange case as I have severe PTSD due to being in an institution, so my psychologist and I want to be careful with that. However, I am still going to inquire about it on Wednesday to keep my options open. It was also agreed that if I cannot stop drinking with AA and SR, that an intense inpatient program mut be more seriously considered. We have also thrown in some AVRT into the mix as well as that has also helped me in the past.
My psychologist is looking into DBT therapy in the area. DBT is a very successful yet intense treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder. So I am kind of happy about that because I havent really been treated for BPD and it needs to be addressed. Also, we are looking into anxiety support groups etc in the area that I can attend.
So that is the start of my plan. :)