Lscotty1

I am really struggling tonight. I am very depressed and having thoughts about worst case senecio type stuff again. I don't want to die. I don't want my kids to lose their mother. I pray it is not too late for me. 12 days sober and I can't seem to get my head together. I also don't want to pretend I am okay. I am not. I am scared an heartbroken over what has been my 6 month relapse. I need some hope. Sorry for the crazy.

Lscotty1

Please

Dee74

Hi LScotty

It's important not to panic

You've been doing everything right lately - you've stopped drinking and you've been coming here.

Its clear you really want to change.

Things will get easier - I know early recovery is rough but it's temporary...it's not always going to be like this.

Do you have anything to do to take your mind off raking through the past?

If nothing else you can post to other people here - you don;t need to have any answers - sometimes it's nice to hear from someone who knows how you feel

you can do this - like all of us it's one day at a time

don't let your thoughts run away and overwhelm you.
D

Ginamarie323

Hi Lscotty....

I'm not really qualified to help as I'm just coming off of a seven month relapse myself (but I only was sober for a couple months) 12 days is awesome!

Let's do this together. I've been suicidal while drinking and the whole bit, and I know I'm in for a rough road ahead but it's worth it. I don't want to go back there, and neither do you. Hang in there!

Lscotty1

Thanks for responding. I am panicking. I don't know what I could say to anyone, but I will try.

Lscotty1

Okay. Do this together. I am just so depressed. I don't want to have a 24/7 pitty party. I feel stuck in this mess. How long have you been sober?

CaseyW

12 days is amazing but it's also still very early. It seems to me that the best thing you can do to repair whatever damage you feel you've caused is to stay on the path that you're now on. Glad you have reached out to the board and wish I had some great advice to offer but just know I feel for you and you're not alone in this. Keep posting once a minute in here if that's what it takes tonight. Wishing you the best!

greens

Lscotty it is great that you are reaching out on here.

Lscotty1

Thanks for the support. I hope you know what it means to not feel alone. I think I am sounding like a crazy person and that people dread my depressing posts, because it's all about me. God, help my sick thinking.

Ginamarie323

I've only been sober five days. The first time I tried it I thought I could "handle" it and wasn't reading this forum anymore. I think that was my biggest mistake. I don't go to AA meetings or anything (yet), but I obviously need some support, and reading this forum really, really helps me.

Sometimes when I can't sleep (every night so far) I just read all the stories. It's comforting to know we're not in this alone.

Lscotty1

Awesome on 5 days! I wish I could do the it gets easier thing, but at least I can say I am with you. I was sober for almost 4 years, did the aa thing but not with my whole heart. I knew relapse was imminent, but did not do much to stop it.

Ginamarie323

You don't sound like a crazy person at all. I'm pretty sure when I first posted on here last year I sounded certifiable.

Ginamarie323

I think all of us have that in us, the awareness that we can relapse at any time. At least finally I do. (I hope) If you were sober for 4 years you know you can do this. I suffer from depression as well as anxiety, and was put on antidepressants for a while, but looking back I'm positive it was the alcohol causing it. And I was stupid enough to take them with alcohol...duh! So then I just stopped the antidepressants.

I may need to take them again, who knows, but I've been self-medicating with alcohol for so long I think that was causing most of it. I notice the anxiety drops when I quit.

I haven't slept in days so I'm going to pop a Benadryl and see if I can get some sleep. My head is so foggy I'm literally a zombie. Feel Better, and you're doing fantastic!

sugarbear1

I felt like you at 12 days. Today I have 4 years. It does get better, but we need to heal and that does take time.

Give time time. Heal well.

I never thought my life would be as good as today is.

Congratulations on 12 days! You are amazing!!

Love and hugs to you!

Lscotty1

Thanks for the replies. I so need you guys.

Dee74

Don't forget that all of us here with years were once where you are now,. Lscotty

I was terrified of relapsing, but I did what everyone said to do which was to focus on today - make a commitment not to drink today and then back it up again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...

it might sound corny but it worked for me

D

Lscotty1

It is crazy how, having been through this before, I am every bit as lost and crazy and overwhelmed and confused ect as I was the first time. Did I really believe it would be different?? Geez

Berrybean

*Hug*

This stage will pass. Sorry I can't suggest something to make it all better right now. I remember how terrifying and hopeless those early weeks feel. I had a proper 'washing-machine' head myself. All those fears and anxieties racing round on a seemingly non-stop fast spin cycle.

The thing is that we've been so used to stopping those thoughts by slapping on some alcohol salve, that it feels really overwhelming when we have to realise their force.

Try not to lose sight of those simple triggers (Hungry; Angry; Lonely; Tired.)
We have to learn a new kind of acceptance in sobriety. As long as you have done what you can for this moment with regards to your concerns, there is no point worrying about the past or the future. And in those first weeks / months, the biggest and best thing that you can do in any day is stay sober and focus on your sobriety plan. Stick to that, because once you are recovering the rest of it will fall into place much easier than you ever imagined was possible.

It's not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.
x

PurpleKnight

I hope all is well Lscotty!!

Ginamarie323

Me too^^^ Hope you're feeling better today