Creekryder

Wow, after about 150 days of sobriety and most of that time has been pretty uneventful as far a abstaining from the booze. A few little itches here and there but nothing of real consequence. Then...

The past few days have been horrendous. I have twice been in the truck and hell bent to go get beer. Yesterday, I contemplated getting a six-pack of non-alcoholic beer and a twelve-pack of regular (the near-beer would mask the real beer breath.) WHAT THE HELL???? This is the kind of crap-thinking I would do back in the drinking days. I really had to struggle to stop myself from going through with it. This was some really serious "gonna do it" cravings. I honestly don't know how I thwarted the attacks, but it was unbelievably strong. I was a hair away from doing it!!! And that AV keeps telling me that it's going to happen, why fight it? I know why I fight it, just hope I can continue to do so. I can't really find a trigger that started this, nothing has changed at home. Scary stuff. I don't want to return to the life of hiding and lying of drinking . I guess the pink cloud was hanging around too long this time and when it was gone, it was gone!
Sometimes it helps to blurt out what we're feeling. I kinda brings a perspective on the true situation and to show others that it isn't easy. It is a fight for life. I have to hang on, not only for myself, but for all of you who are also struggling as well. I want to give hope so that I can receive.
Thanks for being there, as always.

Fluffer

Glad you hung in there, Creek. I'm at the same stage as you and I don't want to see any more of my classmates crash and burn!

Venecia

Creekryder, Good for you for calling out the problem. Frequently, and understandably, we see many posts in which in which fellow SRers are fighting the urge due to stressful situations. Or being surrounded by booze.

Like you, my biggest struggles came out of nowhere. And it was as though my AV was setting off grenades all over my brain. I did recognize, though, that it was often while in the car. And when you think of it, due to our alcoholism (or mine, at least), there was that ability to drive on auto-pilot to the stores. Auto pilot takes a while to develop; undoing auto pilot takes a while, too.

What I did, and it helped, was surf the urge and look for distractions. I also did breathing exercises I learned in Pilates, which I think are also taught in childbirth classes: Concentrate on slow inhalations through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. During that time, I'd tell myself "this, too, shall pass -- the one thing I cannot to is give in to this liquid voice."

And it does pass. Your real voice gets stronger.

Hope that helps.

waywardson8260

Thanks for posting this. I'm about a month behind you and have some serious cravings on and off. It is a good reminder that I need to stay vigilant myself. It is a fight for life for me as well.

silentrun

Way to go! At 6 months I had a sort of breakthrough and it became ALOT easier. Other people have said that 6 months was a turning point for them too. Unfortunately before the breakthrough I had a flurry of symptoms and urges. Maybe a little of that is happening to you right now.

Dee74

Drinking not going to solve any of your problems Creek Not one.
It will bring you a whole lot more struggle and strife tho.

Exercise really helps me when the weight of the world is upon me.
If nothing else it gives me some real aches and pains to think about, lol

D

strategery

Keep hanging in there Creekyrider. I hit a super rough patch at the beginning of 5 months as well, but in the process came to some new understandings. I hope you experience the same thing.

Zebra1275

Good for you for not drinking.

I know someone who tells the story of being sober for several years, and driving home one day. Somehow, for reasons he's not sure of, he passes a convenience store, and turns in and buys a bottle of Jack Daniels. He then cracks it open in his car, and has it between his legs, drinking from it, as he drives the last 3 miles home.

The whole event took less than 15 minutes. It resulted in a 2 month bender that ended in a treatment center. Scary stuff!

Creekryder

I'm thinking I need some one-on-one with some fellow addicts. I really have no one to talk with face to face about this journey to freedom. People who are not plagued with addiction really don't know, sometimes, what we go through to maintain sobriety. I try to talk with my wife, who supports my efforts but doesn't understand the process I'm attempting. I don't fault her, she means well, but doesn't get it. Makes me feel quite alone at times. I think I'll look around for a secular group, but in my location, that could be difficult to find.

Dee74

SMART Recovery® - Meetings

sadly LifeRing has no meetings in Missouri that I could find - but both SMART and Lifering do have online meetings

D

Creekryder

How well I know, Dee, that drinking won't do any good. You have seen me come and go over the years and that pattern stopped 5 months ago. I'm fighting and leaving no stone unturned to achieve this goal. Thanks for being always around the corner.
P.

Dee74

I have faith in you P.

D

Anna

I'm really glad that you got through that. Sometimes the strong cravings come out of the blue and we're not even sure what caused it. I'm glad you are so determined to get through this P, because you've worked really hard to get this far. I also hope you can find some face-to-face situation that works for you.

Charlie117926

Thanks for posting creek. I have those urges more times than not. I have sat in carry out parking lots with white knuckles contemplating going in to just get a six pack knowing full well that I would be making three more trips before the night is through. I have fought these cravings off but it's been painful getting through them. I know we are all in the same boat here but it's nice know that we share the same parallels in the fight.

Mysusnshine1

Way to go not giving in to your AV.
Look what the out come was, you got to post a success story instead of a thread titled Relapse Day One AGAIN....Stay strong. Have you thought about telling your wife about your near fail? Would it keep you accountable if she knew you were thinking about masking the beer breath?
Have a Super Sober Weekend!

Creekryder

You know, Sunshine, I am completely honest with my wife now. I did tell her about the thoughts of getting the beer and hiding it. I told her tonight while doing the dishes I was having quite a go at keeping the cravings at bay. But I think I have done this sober on, sober off for so many times, she doesn't really believe I'll do it this time. Can't blame her. All I can do is keep doing what I'm doing. I'm just having a mid-sober crisis, I think.

Creekryder

Dee, I was checking out some alternative meetings around me. Nothing. I may try an AA in a city about 45 minutes away. More liberal/progressive college town, maybe not so heavy-handed in non-secular thought. I really think I need human voice, not just the keyboard. Not that the keyboard is not good, I just need more. :-}

Dee74

I understand Creek

D

CaseyW

"A mid-sober crisis"--I'm stealing that one for future use.

Glad you posted here instead of drinking. Your honesty also helped keep me sober tonight. Wishing you the best...

Creekryder

Use it freely, Casey, just hope you don't get it too! :-)