2blackkittehs

I posted before about my brother-in-law. He seems to "forget" that I don't drink. It's been over two years now and granted only see him a few days out of the year when my mother is visiting. Keep in my mind this is the same person that when I was sober a few years ago was going to "get me drinking again".

I picked mom up from the airport last night and took her to my sister's house. BIL greets us at the door with two miller lites. I look at him and just said " i don't drink, it's been over two years, what part of that don't you understand?" He looks at me and says "well, you see this doesn't have any alcohol in it, ha ha"

I dread going over there. My sister doesn't say anything to him and will likely defend him if I say anything to her about it.

Not sure what I can do. I'm non confrontational, so I guess I just want some assurance that I'm not wrong in being angry/irked, whatever it is I'm feeling.

MsJax

Do you have to be around him? Just for me, I'd tell him to F*ck off. He doesn't sound like a very nice person. So sorry you have to deal with that .

jaynie04

hI 2BK. I would be very angry too, he sounds like a total ****. Do you have to go over there, is your mom supportive?

Congratulations on two years. That is an enormous accomplishment. I have had to make choices about having people in my life, and family doesn't get a pass on treating me poorly anymore. I have become less pleasing since I got sober, probably because I am not dogged by guilt and shame all the time.

If you have to go, hold your head up proudly. I don't know what could be so wrong with someone that they get pleasure out of taunting regarding a life threatening condition. And just remember, you have a right to make a decision to leave. My therapist used to say "not against them , for you".

Sending support and your kitties are precious!

Dee74

My family is like that 2B. Eight years on I still get asked if I want a beer.
Even though they know my history it's hard for some to understand alcoholism, and especially hard for some drinkers not to have their old drinking bud..

Try and not let it upset you.

D

2blackkittehs

I avoid him as much as possible. I really only see him when my mom's in town twice a year. She stays with them to be with my niece and nephew.

least

Just say "no thanks" and shrug it off. Give it the attention it deserves, which is "none".

2blackkittehs

I so wish I could just ignore him. It's like he baits me trying to get a reaction. Least, your suggestion to just say no thank you has been tried and that's when he really gets going. He'll just start pushing buttons.

Jaynie, you're right about the cowering and pleasing before due to the shame and guilt. I've learned to say no, not be used and consider my needs. It's an adjustment to those who are used to manipulating and getting their way. My babies are precious, thanks

Dee, I'm doing better on how it effects me. I still second guess myself at times if I have the right to feel the way I feel.

tomsteve

I was at a family reunion a few weeks ago. Lots of alcohol flowing. My brother, who knows how I drank and knows I have been sober for some time, aske me if I'd like a mixed drink. A simple," no thank you" was good. Maybe he had a brain fart and forgot or what idk.If he had tried to push it, I would have simply reminded him in some way why I don't drink. If I had expectations of him just remembering I don't drink? Welp, two things could have happened that I can think of off the top of my head:
I would have fell into old behavior and gotten quite sarcastic and made sure others heard it, which I know today would have shown others how childish and immature I would have been.
Or
I would have ran to his wife. Knowing his wife I think she would have said something to the effect," huh, sounds like ya have a problem with your brother and need to take it up with him. Now put your big boy underwear on, stop trying to drag me into it and go talk to him about it."
And she would have been right. I am responsible, when I have a problem with someone to take it to them. And something pretty cool is when I don't have expectations of others, their actions don't bother me too much.



And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

I must keep my magic magnifying mind on my ac- ceptance and off my expectations, for my serenity is directly proportional to my level of acceptance.

Anna

If saying 'No, thanks' baits him and makes him really get going, it might be appropriate to tell him to stop being such a jackass.

leviathan

next time grab that beer with a big smile and a "thanx!" then pour it on his shoes.
-grrrr. bullies **** me off. he's a bully passing his actions off as good natured ribbing.

TroyW

Personally, I'd tell him to F off too. If he gets offended by it, simply tell him to treat people how you want to be treated. If he's going to be disrespectful towards you, then you'll be disrespectful right back.

mystified

I was going to suggest taking the beer and pouring it down the sink and keep doing it with as many drinks he keeps pushing on you but pouring it on his shoes would work too

I'm at a loss why someone would be like this though? You could be direct and ask why he wants you dead......... hope that doesn't upset anyone. You get it though right?

PurpleKnight

Families can be hard work, my family offer me alcohol all the time, and my dad died of alcohol, and still they don't grasp the concept of "I don't drink".

Don't let it get to you, keep focused on your journey and keep pushing through!!

freshstart57

You ALWAYS have a right to feel the way you feel. Thoughts like those ones just ARE, they exist outside of the question of being right or wrong. Don't get attached to them, let them fly past you without grabbing on to them.

And yes, he is inconsiderate and selfish. But that doesn't necessarily have a single thing to do with you, not unless you agree to. You can decide he will be like that, and you are going to enjoy yourself.

silentrun

I would chalk it up to stupidity.

Cissy

I'm truly surprised that you wanted us to say you had a right to feel offended by his insensitiveness. What an ASS he is. And his wife/your sister would back him up?? I wouldn't go over there, even the 2 times a year that you say you need to. Meet your mom someplace else.

What could he possibly be getting out of treating you like that? Is he a heavy drinker too? Most of the time when I see someone trying to undermine another person's success, it's because they envy and despise your ability to overcome something that they can't.

God bless you to be able to just find peace in this. What a *********!

ArtFriend

My brother is just like that. He knows my buttons and goes for them with gusto. This man sounds a bit insecure with himself, as are all bullies. Be strong and don't take anything from him. If he persists, I suppose you will have to remove yourself.

2blackkittehs

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

I think the hardest part is that I won't spend time with my sister because he'll be around. She'll invite me over and I'll say no thank you and she'll ask me if there's a reason. I haven't been able to bring myself to be truthful and just tell her I can't stand to be around your husband. I'm sure it'll blow up one day and I'll tell her. Not looking forward it.

On The Road

2bk

I think you've identified an opportunity with your sister. Before your next visit, talk to her directly and tell her how much of an a**hole her husband is when he threatens your sobriety. Also let her know that you're more than happy to come over as long as he behaves. And if he doesn't, you'll leave.

And the first time he offers you a drink, don't say a word to him. Go to your sister and tell you were serious about what you said, and then simply leave. You don't need to spend time with anyone who doesn't respect who you are.

Good luck!

Cissy

Amen!