Clean4Once

The other day, I was talking w my mom about how we all go through hard times and it ends up working out (this was in reference to my brother not having a job)... He is an engineer with a stay at home wife and 2 little kids. My mom started crying, reminiscing about my former drinking habits. Now, I am not a bottom of the barrel alcoholic. I was not living on the streets, yet here was my mom hysterically crying about these memories. Can I truly be oblivious to how bad things were?

My friend called my best friend (who wasnt even at the shower) when I slipped up at a 3rd friends baby shower and started drinking (1 mo after my son died) Subsequently, she called my husband who got upset and asked if it were true. I lied. My friends found out and I don't have 2 of those 3 friends anymore. Was it worth it to them to do that? Yes I was drinking but was it really bad enough to warrant letting everyone close to me know amd throwing my life up in the air?

My husbad I get... He is the only one that I considered justified in their concern. Sometimes I would get carried a way joking around and hit him or say mean things to him (I stopped drinking and i did have control over that behavior). I have never hit him since (2010).

My question is... How could I be oblivious to this to problems I caused for others if it really is a problem? Is it even possible? To me, it didn't seem that bad! (Note: Im not denying a problem ... You don't go through interventions, AA, rehab etc if it's not a problem... Im just questioning the severity). Thanks

doggonecarl

Sure. I think it's factor of denial. You don't deny you have a problem, but you deny the severity of your drinking and its impact on others.

buk1000

Hi Clean4Once.
I noticed within about the first 18 months of sobriety that I absolutely detested being around people who were as drunk as I used to get. They were childish, loud, never funny, not interesting and very needy. And it took me seeing that to understand that I had made the people closest to me endure that for years. And that's when it finally clicked with me that it would be actions that earned back their trust, nothing else.

ArtFriend

Problems are relative to the person experiencing them. You may not think it was "that bad" but it really is not your call. They did evidently. Minimizing their experience is a way to justify your behavior...which is what alcoholics do!

Clean4Once

I see what you guys are saying. If I would have known though, I wouldnt have continued to put everyone through that

buk1000

Right. But you did put them through that. It was important for me to own that in sobriety.

I had a friend that used to say to me in my drinking days (he was mocking me) "But you had the excuse. You were drunk, so it wasn't really you." He's right, it was just an excuse. And since I was drunk every day it couldn't have been a more hollow excuse.

Clean4Once

Yeah, I guess when you are using or drinking every day it is you or becomes what others think of you. I also was drinking every day, throughout the day esp when i was nervous like before i saw a patient in dental school... Convinced myself without 3 vodka shots, i couldnt do it... That was after the 2 morning vodka shots... And before my 6 evening vodka shots... But i justified that i was normal bc i wasnt wasted at work, just feeling buzzed. I guess it's true... The excuses are hallow. In some ways, im still in denial i guess. Thats why i go back snd forth w the opiates.

ScottFromWI

Yep, addiction is steeped in denial. Buzzed and Wasted are just different levels of drunkenness....both involve being intoxicated at work, which from any "normal" perspective is a classic alcoholic trait.

The solution for me was acceptance. There is no logical explanation for the question of "why" I am an alcoholic, i just AM. Once I surrendered to that fact things got a lot easier to deal with.

Clean4Once

That is good that acceptance makes it easier. What is hard for me to swallow (and why im trying different recovery meetings) is that i want control over everything. I feel weak when I don't have power and AA is all about admitting powerlessness. That doesnt sit well with a controlling person even if i know i can't control my alcohol/drug use

Ruby2

Your idea that you have power and control is only illusory. Something I found out the hard way. I drank daily. I have control only of myself and only over my drinking so long as I don't pick up that first drink. If I squander that power and pick up that drink, then I lose control.

I can't control what anyone does. I can't control what anyone thinks about me. I can only control how I act and react.

ScottFromWI

It's definitely a hard concept to accept. Trying different meetings isn't going to change the facts though, unfortunately. The concept of powerlessness in AA is simply AA's version of acceptance. Whether its AA, AVRT, Smart, Life Ring, or any of the others out there, all of them hinge on acceptence/surrender/dedication to the fact that you cannot control your drinking. Chasing the illusion of "control" over your drinking will pretty much guarantee you many years of misery, It certainly did for me and many others here.

ArtFriend

So you are a dentist? And still using?

Clean4Once

Thanks everyone for your comments, even if I may not like thinking that I don't have control over something... Artfriend, I wouldnt disrespect you guys so much as to use and post in this forum. I am a dentist. I had a miscarriage mid April and I did start using again (opiates, not alcohol). I am not currently using. I stopped 2 days ago. I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I would never drink again while treating patients and the opiates do not impact my performance. That said, Im trying to do better by not using. I was sober/clean for a full 46 days prior to miscarriage. I don't want you guys to think I would risk hurting a patient... That is a big reason I no longer drink. That was harmful.
Im afraid this doesnt sound quite right, but you guys know what I mean? I know dentists and doctors that take smoke breaks bf treating patients

ScottFromWI

You have already mentioned that you have a problem with denial and accceptance. Do you truly believe that taking opiates while treating patients is no different than having a smoke break? I understand you have been off the opiates for a couple days, but honestly it's time for a reality check if what you say is true.

Clean4Once

I mean you are right. Ido understand there is a difference, but I guess my point is that alcohol does more damage re: coordination. Im not trying to make excuses for myself. I know it is wrong to do what I was doing but Im trying to focus on doing the right thing from here on out. You know?

ScottFromWI

So your original question was in regards to drinking in the past and your families reaction. Was that really the question you wanted to come here and ask? Or are you really seeking help to take care of the immediate problem? I'm sure you are aware, but you could easily lose your practice if it were somehow found out that you are using controlled subtances during your practice. The fact that you think it's "not as bad as drinking" is irrelevant...you are violating the very ethics of your profession and risking the safety of your patients.

Fly N Buy

Acceptance and powerlessness in ** are not necessarily the same concept. The first step reads ; We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Many go into rooms of ** and admit to themselves, their sponsor, maybe the group, their friends and loved one they are indeed powerless over alcohol. This is not acceptance. They may admit the problem but not accept they are alcoholics. Most importantly they must accept the solution to the problem not just admit there is a problem.........

Clean4once - obviously you're intelligent and have been through a lot. Don't meant this harshly, but.......

you admitted drinking shots of vodka before treating dental patients in school??? My friend, you may reconsider the powerless and unmanageably of those actions......This is a pretty good definition.

Once I took a real honest look at myself, it was apparent I qualified for closed AA meetings. So........

I admitted I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. Does not mean I accepted it. I was hopeful I could learn from the pro's how to control my drinking! Surely if I admit I have a problem ya'll could show me how to fix it.......Stopping for good was not necessarily the plan.

Somewhere around 60-90 day in the program I accepted I was an alcoholic - I accepted the solution shortly thereafter, which is working the steps. I did the 3rd step and soon the obsession to drink was removed. In a few week I will have one year of continuous sobriety after drinking for 30 + years.......

For those exploring AA they might consider reading one of the most often read personal stories. It is on page 407 and entitled Acceptance was the Answer. It is the story of a physician who started drinking in school and later turned to demerol etc.......

Glad you're here
Keep coming back!

Clean4Once

Sorry if this is frustrating. I know you are right. All i did was trade one addiction for another. I iust have to get out of this way of thinking. I wouldnt want someone working on me if they just took something like that.... But the good thing is, i am not practicing on patients now under the influence of anything... Im just afraid my sobriety is so fragile that i will retrun at some point and i really don't want to. We want a baby and I fully intend to be clean/sober for that child

Anna

I suspect that this may be denial as well.

ScottFromWI

I would suggest that you concentrate fully on your sobriety before anything else. Have you made any plans to help with that? Meetings, counseling, rehab of some kind, etc?