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Old 05-13-2015, 09:29 AM
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I'm angry

Hi guys

I had a drink this lunchtime. The thing that annoys me is how clear the reasons for it are, after the event.

I had a decent morning, then I was out with a few old friends and my mum called me, informed me how useless I was and that I should be ashamed of myself in comparison to my brother...and I went right back and drank.

Something I'm realising from this situation is that I *always* take things out on myself. Prior to drinking, I self-harmed, then it turned into drinking. It just sucks how I turn to abusing myself rather than asserting myself and saying, "This isn't okay, you have no right to speak to me like this".

I had one drink and so tomorrow will be day one. I'm disappointed about my lack of sobriety but I'm mostly angry at the fact that people who I support SO much just treat me like crap and talk to me like I'm nothing. I don't value self-preservation. And I wish I put myself first.

I just wanted to get this out and be accountable. I'm at a meeting tonight and I hope they are prepared for a rant :-)
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:34 AM
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Sorry to hear about that Jane, my thoughts are with you. Most of us alcoholics are very caring and sensitive people and seem to be on the wrong end of things, especially from those we are closest too. Hang in there and stick around those who are proper and true friends
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:37 AM
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hi jane, i believe we were in chat room earlier.
dont be so hard on yourself.
we are all here for you.
hope to see you in chat room again
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:39 AM
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Sorry to hear that, but glad that you stopped at one and have redoubled your efforts. Regarding your mother, sometimes we need to remove ourselves from toxic relationships, even if they are within our family. Maybe you can just take a break and not take calls from your mom for a while. You do need to set boundaries in sobriety...this might be one of them.
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:54 AM
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I'm glad you're reflecting on that drink and seeing a few things;

1) YOU are responsible for the reaction you chose
2) The choice you made is not one you are happy with
3) You are going to make a different choice going forward

It can be incredibly difficult to assert ourselves, to stand up for ourselves. Particularly with our families / parents.

You're worthy and your sobriety is not something anyone can take away from you. So - even if you find yourself challenged to take a stand and speak your heart and mind, next time remember that the choice in response is YOURS.

We are here for you
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Sorry to hear that, but glad that you stopped at one and have redoubled your efforts. Regarding your mother, sometimes we need to remove ourselves from toxic relationships, even if they are within our family. Maybe you can just take a break and not take calls from your mom for a while. You do need to set boundaries in sobriety...this might be one of them.
Scott, you give such good insight, i see your posts all the time!

I'm scared of upsetting people. That's my big thing. I think that I need to set a boundary and say "okay no more" for a period of time.
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by rjh View Post
hi jane, i believe we were in chat room earlier. dont be so hard on yourself. we are all here for you. hope to see you in chat room again
Thank you RJ, so kind of you to comment :-)
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:55 AM
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oh, and also it makes sense that you're angry. It hurts when those we love and who love us seem determined to undermine our self worth and happiness.

it's OK to be angry. That anger is a normal reaction to feeling hurt.
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Old 05-13-2015, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by MarioBee View Post
Sorry to hear about that Jane, my thoughts are with you. Most of us alcoholics are very caring and sensitive people and seem to be on the wrong end of things, especially from those we are closest too. Hang in there and stick around those who are proper and true friends
You put that so well Mario. If I can keep those close to me that have my sobriety and wellbeing at heart, then I know it won't be so challenging to be around them
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by JaneLane View Post
Hi guys

I had a drink this lunchtime. The thing that annoys me is how clear the reasons for it are, after the event.

I had a decent morning, then I was out with a few old friends and my mum called me, informed me how useless I was and that I should be ashamed of myself in comparison to my brother...and I went right back and drank.

Something I'm realising from this situation is that I *always* take things out on myself. Prior to drinking, I self-harmed, then it turned into drinking. It just sucks how I turn to abusing myself rather than asserting myself and saying, "This isn't okay, you have no right to speak to me like this".

I had one drink and so tomorrow will be day one. I'm disappointed about my lack of sobriety but I'm mostly angry at the fact that people who I support SO much just treat me like crap and talk to me like I'm nothing. I don't value self-preservation. And I wish I put myself first.

I just wanted to get this out and be accountable. I'm at a meeting tonight and I hope they are prepared for a rant :-)
I don't follow the typical made -up criterion for sobriety which probably began at AA meetings.

Drinking or not drinking (abstinence) is the symptom and has very little to do with sobriety. However, resolving self- destructive behavior that usually begins in childhood for most alcoholics is what sobriety is all about, because this is the Cruz of the problem.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:15 AM
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It's okay to be angry.

It's going to be okay, JaneLane.

Setting boundaries with your mother would probably be a good idea, given the toxic effect she has on you.

Onward with sobriety, girl, and to recovery.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:16 AM
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Jane, I'm glad you're here.

I also hope that you will step back from your mother, at least for awhile until you feel confident. I had to do the same thing because my mother was toxic to me and I knew it. I learned that I needed to be selfish about that choice and I learned that, in general, I needed to say 'No'. There should be no one in your life who tells you that you are useless and that you should be ashamed of yourself.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:17 AM
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Hi Jane,

That was mean of your mum to say what she said, would agree with what other people have said here ie maybe breaking contact for a while, not to punish anyone but to give you the space and freedom from the negative comments.

You did really well in only having one drink - in my opinion that does not really put you back on day one. Maybe technically it does but not emotionally, it is more of a blip really
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Old 05-13-2015, 02:54 PM
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Some great advice here Jane.

For most of my life, I would rather hurt myself than other people.

Recovery gave me my self worth back and helped me see how unfair that was to me.

It also gave me the perspective to see that just because someone said something, doesn't make it true

You deserve better Jane

D
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Old 05-13-2015, 07:31 PM
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Jane, I'm sorry that you can't count on your mother for kind words instead of criticism. That's not fair. I agree maybe some distance from your mother for a while might help.

You are doing well. Fits and starts is how I quit. You have great insight. If you ever feel trapped and angry and frustrated by a discussion with your mom, or anyone, try counting to ten, take a deep breath and say the serenity prayer. Even if you aren't religious, just send a plea up to the sky to grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can and the wisdom to know the difference. That's saved my butt a bunch of times.

Hugs!
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Old 05-13-2015, 08:19 PM
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So sorry about your mother. She sounds exactly like mine! She showed up at one of my kid's sporting events tonite and I immediately excused myself to go to the restroom. I didn't actually go to the restroom, I went to my car and drove home. I called my sponsor and she said I did the right thing by leaving the event and avoiding her. She is toxic for me right now and I need to be careful because I am in early sobriety.

Don't be afraid to take care of yourself. My mother is a sick woman. I can't be around her right now and I am to the point where I am putting MYSELF first PERIOD.

I hope you can find the strength to put yourself first too.

(((Hug)))
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Old 05-13-2015, 08:26 PM
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Originally Posted by JaneLane View Post
Scott, you give such good insight, i see your posts all the time!

I'm scared of upsetting people. That's my big thing. I think that I need to set a boundary and say "okay no more" for a period of time.
Hi, JaneLane. Sending you hugs and support. I totally understand about not wanting to upset people; this is my nemesis too. But as a wise friend explained to me, there is another way to think of this. When we draw a boundary with folks we've let cross our boundaries before (or who have just taken the initiative on their own) it makes sense that they will be upset. It is something new and feels threatening. But in that sense, then, their feelings of upset and discomfort might be read not as something to respond to and correct, but rather as a sign that we are taking good care of ourselves by drawing boundaries. It is truly impossible to take care of ourselves and make everyone happy, at least in my experience. This little mental shift helps me deal with my people pleasing tendencies and boundary-crossing family.

Take care.
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Old 05-13-2015, 10:20 PM
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Hey JL,

Sorry to hear about that. Sometimes we really do have to isolate ourselves from the ones that we love. It is hard, but it does make our resistance a bit stronger.

Time to get back on the bicycle. At least it was only one and didn't get out of hand.

Cheers,

ZAB.
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Old 05-14-2015, 03:02 AM
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Thank you so much for your replies, friends. I'm at a meeting tonight and have woken up feeling determined!

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Old 05-14-2015, 03:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Serenidad View Post
So sorry about your mother. She sounds exactly like mine! She showed up at one of my kid's sporting events tonite and I immediately excused myself to go to the restroom. I didn't actually go to the restroom, I went to my car and drove home. I called my sponsor and she said I did the right thing by leaving the event and avoiding her. She is toxic for me right now and I need to be careful because I am in early sobriety.

Don't be afraid to take care of yourself. My mother is a sick woman. I can't be around her right now and I am to the point where I am putting MYSELF first PERIOD.

I hope you can find the strength to put yourself first too.

(((Hug)))
Good move, Serenidad!
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