tornadostick

I stopped drinking almost a year and a half ago. Before then I had lost multiple jobs because of drinking, been in trouble with the police 8 times, I had been kicked out of and banned from multiple venues and I had put myself in financial difficulty. It was always binge drinking once or twice a week and then I would wake up with ridiculous hangovers some times I would puke every 30 mins until 11 pm the following day. I had tried to cut back or drink in moderation many times before and always failed so I finally decided to fully commit to sobriety in January of 2014, at that time I had just met my current girlfriend. we drank once or twice in November and December of 2013 and then We made things official about three weeks into my sobriety. She was supportive of the choice and agreed not to drink in front of me for the first little bit. instead though she now gets blackout drunk 90% of the time she drinks, she will drink until she literally passes out and I have had to carry her home multiple times because she couldn't stand. This made sobriety very tough but I have been able to do it. She tells me she drinks to deal with the pain of her life (she has been sexually assaulted and battles an eating disorder). Eventually I stopped going out with her and then she whined she wasn't having fun but she kept going and blacking out. A few months ago she was sexually assaulted by a high school teacher (police didn't find enough evidence to make a conviction). Even after all that she kept going out and getting blackout drunk, then she told me she admits she has a problem with alcohol so I caved and went with her to keep her out of trouble, now she complains that I' m not having fun and she feels awkward with me just watching her. I told her I'm not there to have fun I'm there to support her. She claims she wants me to have a healthy relationship with alcohol she wants to do wine tours and have drinks at family gatherings because that's her culture (Mexican). This continues to be a source of stress in our relationship, I do not want to drink and she wants for us to be able to drink together. I love her a lot and other then this we have a very strong relationship. I figured after a year and a half I had built up a ton of strength and so I agreed to try drinking in moderation with her. I had four drinks but stopped because she was blackout again. In the morning I told her I didn't want to drink again because I felt the same cravings and inhibitions as before and all the self control I had developed was powerless to the poor decisions alcohol prompted. I know for sure I am much happier sober and I have no intention of drinking again anytime soon but she is still persistent that she wants me to drink with her. the four options I see are 1) I start drinking (not happening) 2) she gets sober (she stubbornly refuses although she has tried multiple times and failed) 3) we break up (neither of us wants this 4) she learns to accept my sobriety (I'm okay with her drinking if she can do so responsibly but she definitely cant drink responsibly (maybe one in 10 times she can). Please help us, What do we do?

Fly N Buy

Hi Toranado, glad you're here and posting.

Please consider breaking up your posts into small paragraphs - just kind of hard to read.

I think if we make sobriety our number one goal in life then whatever places, people and things that pull us off that path must be changed. I know this was true for me at least.

No one can make me drink and no one can make me sober. We have to take whatever actions that lead us in the direction of staying sober one day at a time.

If your friend is a blackout drunk, she probably will never be a normal drinker. I suppose it happens, but I just don't know anyone who has gone from that level to ok.

Glad you're here,
keep coming back!

LBrain

I am curious to know the age of you and your "girlfriend".

There are several more options than those you listed.

buk1000

Hi tornadostick. Welcome to the forum. I would choose Option 3 until you are certain through her actions that Option 4 is even viable.

Option 2 has nothing to do with you and you'll have to understand that. Option 1 you have correctly ruled out.

If I was in your shoes I would ask myself some basic and serious questions about this relationship. Like "Why am I even in it?"

Good luck to you. I think I would recommend that you poke around a little on the Friends and Relatives forum. You will get some useful advice and information about this.

saoutchik

Hi TS, your girlfriend has been sexually assaulted - twice. I think that would drive most people to drink. It really sounds to me that your girlfriend needs some professional help to overcome the trauma she is obviously feeling

Of course you should not drink yourself but your girlfriend, it seems to me, is drinking to blot out bad thoughts, and what would be really good is if she did not have those bad thoughts which is where some therapy might be useful

I think what I am saying the underlying issue needs to be dealt with first before the drinking can be tackled

gettingsmarter

Is this what you want the rest of your life? Imagine what life will be like for the next 20 years if she never changes.

Anna

Hi, I'm glad you're working on your recovery.

If your girlfriend can't drink responsibly and insists that alcohol is a big part of your lives, I think you know what you need to do. This relationship cannot work with things as they are and I think you will both be unhappy.

ScottFromWI

Lots of good advice here tornadostick. The fact that she doesn't respect your sobriety even though you have made clear it's importance to you is a major, major red flag. I personally couldn't respect or live with someone who didn't honor my sobriety.

Gonnachange

As Scott has already mentioned, you've gotten some very good advice, but I'll chime in also. One of the sobriety techniques that some on SR use is "Playing it forward." If you're not familiar it speaks to the consequences of picking up that first drink and envisioning where it so often ends. I suggest you use that concept to think about your relationship with your girlfriend. Play it forward years.

Do you truly think that she's going to do a 180 degree turn and one day wake up and be sensitive to and respect how important your sobriety is to you?

Long term healthy relationships are built on many things and one the ingredients is a respect for one's partner.

I wish you well.

TheCrimsonKing

Dear Tornadostick,

If you knew you could go out and get any woman of your choice tomorrow, would you keep this one?

If you met your current girlfriend for the first time tomorrow, after your having 1 and a half years sobriety, would you enter into a relationship with her?

Would you go into business with her? Is she a liability or an asset? (if you were to get married essentially your signing a business contract)

Are you having fun? Love should be playful and fun, IMO

If you were to write down a list of qualities that you'd want from a partner......would this one be compatable with that list?

Are you on your own life path or getting pulled into hers?

The police didn't find any evidence for the second sexual assault.....is that not a red flag?

Chilledice

She WANTS you to start drinking again? That is one huge red flag!

heartcore

I like the questions that Crimson King poses above.

Sometimes we can love someone, be attracted to them, mostly enjoy their company, etc., and it still just isn't right for us. Being sober doesn't preclude a partner who drinks, but I think it does preclude one who drinks to blackout (drinks dysfunctionally, whether or not that is defined as alcoholism).

I want to add that many people on earth have backgrounds of trauma. Many, many women have been sexually assaulted and many have been sexually abused in childhood. While one might note that this is a possible cause of alcohol or drug abuse, you can't just write off the behavior because of the earlier trauma!

I, like many women (and some men, also), was sexually abused in my childhood, as well as being sexually assaulted as a grown-up. This is one of my "issues," and I've had to work in therapy, 12-step programs, and with friends and partners to come to peace with what happened to me. This past trauma doesn't give me license to drink to black out! If anything, alcohol abuse is a very poor approach to problem solving...

It sounds like you are in love with a woman who is full of excuses and demands. It doesn't sound like a very positive relationship to me.

I had to leave someone I loved to get and stay sober. There are some losses in this journey, sometimes. I love someone else now, and they contribute to my growth and my sobriety.

What you describe is a valid and urgent reason to step away from the relationship. You are supporting her behavior, and so are preventing her from finding her own bottom and getting the real help that she actually needs.

site1Q84

If she isn't willing to change and she already got you to drink once, where do you really think this is headed?

Personally, I don't think anyone is worth a relapse.

You need to worry about yourself and your sobriety first and she needs to take care of herself. I know we all need support, but maybe she needs to find it somewhere else while she gets back on her feet...

least

You are both clearly unhappy in this relationship. Why are you still in it?

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

If someone told me to disregard the above paragraph and go back to what caused all that misery, I don't think I would trust their judgement, or believe they had my best interests at heart!!

Your health and wellbeing in this life must come first, going back to alcohol is a non starter!!

FreeOwl

I agree.

This relationship would be leading to some serious questions for me, and if I were in your shoes - I'd be asking how this relationship in any way contributed to my sobriety or the overall richness of my life.

EndGameNYC

Your relationship seems much stronger on one side than the other.

Even trained professionals would have a great deal of difficulty working with your girlfriend's multiple, considerable problems. It can be an extremely daunting task to work on one's sobriety; having to look after someone else's sobriety as well is torture. There's a slogan in AA that says, "You can't carry the drunk; only the message."

You didn't comment at all about what either of you is doing to support your sobriety, or in the case of your girlfriend, if she's doing anything at all. If she's not doing anything substantial to achieve sobriety or work through her personal issues, then the problem is immeasurably complex.

I hope you find your way through all this.

tornadostick

Im 23 she is 21, what other options are there?

tornadostick

The police found evidence but not enough for a conviction

tornadostick

You have all been very helpful and I really appreciate the thoughtful advice and contributions. This has definitely shed some light on things I knew were an issue that I didn't want to admit to. As an update for everyone: I have talked to her about this and she is willing to go to couples therapy to try and fix the issues we are facing around alcohol. I'm not sure where that will lead but she is aware of her issues and this does seem a step in the right direction. Going forward I am definitely going to stand my ground that sobriety is the only choice for me. I am realizing this is part my fault because in a lazy attempt to please her I said I may or may not drink again and ever since then she has been pushing me to drink. I need to re-affirm that I will not drink again so that she understands she has to accept that about me and our relationship if she wants it to continue. Another reason why this is such a complex issue is that we have been living together for the last 4 months. She is a very smart women and she is very ambitious, she finished university top of her class and she is a very compassionate person, she is really funny and always makes me laugh or smile. She encourages me to go after what I want in life. Honestly she is an amazing women but this alcohol conflict has been persistent.