Need hope. Scared.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Highly compelling post............
When I got to the point where it sounds like you might be, I had to accept what I was.
The issue for me was accepting the solution. Hope you're at that point - you have a lot to live for, we all do!
What is your solution going to be???
There is hope in a variety of help!!!
When I got to the point where it sounds like you might be, I had to accept what I was.
The issue for me was accepting the solution. Hope you're at that point - you have a lot to live for, we all do!
What is your solution going to be???
There is hope in a variety of help!!!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
The worst day of my life was the very best day of my life. When I was totally and absolutely broken. When alcohol was the undisputed champion. When the choice was alcohol or death I surrendered once and for all. I realized simply I could not drink anymore.
You speak of the terror leaving you. I can not for tell the future but at almost 6 years sober that terror is just as real as it was the day I took my last drink. I pray that feeling of utter hopelessness is with me when I take my last breath.
We must do absolutely anything to get sober. No short cuts no half measures because our very lives depend on not taking that first drink
There is an incredible world waiting for you but it all hinges on sobriety
You speak of the terror leaving you. I can not for tell the future but at almost 6 years sober that terror is just as real as it was the day I took my last drink. I pray that feeling of utter hopelessness is with me when I take my last breath.
We must do absolutely anything to get sober. No short cuts no half measures because our very lives depend on not taking that first drink
There is an incredible world waiting for you but it all hinges on sobriety
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi Mrrryah, it sounds like on a scale of 1-10 you're at an 11. Take the steps you need to save yourself. As others have said, you are worth it and you owe it to yourself. Based on your description, its no way to live your life, and you got a lot of years left. Best of luck, rooting for you.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Inpatient sounds like a really good thing for you. Hope that works out for you asap. Hang in there. I can understand your terror because I woke up in the ER with tubes in me once. And once was enough. I got sober shortly thereafter. My mother wasn't so lucky. She died from an overdose.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Oh, Myrrrah, I am glad to hear that you survived. For those of us on the path with you, the struggle you've described has resulted in genuine and considerable concern for your well being, due both to the peril of drug use as well as the dangerous people and places associated with it.
As I read your post, it prompted a memory of something Russell Brand wrote after Amy Winehouse died. Googled and found it, including this passage:
"What was so painful about Amy's death is that I know that there is something I could have done. I could have passed on to her the solution that was freely given to me. Don't pick up a drink or drug, one day at a time. It sounds so simple. It actually is simple but it isn't easy: it requires incredible support and fastidious structuring."
We can do the simple part: remind you not to pick up. And it is that simple. The not-so-easy part will fall partly on your shoulders. You need to follow through with your decision to go into inpatient. Once there, you will find the "incredible support and fastidious structuring" he described.
But you need to be steadfast. The resolve you articulated today needs to be just as strong in the next few days until you can get into inpatient. There, hope take hold again. You can do this, Myrrrah, and you have to.
As I read your post, it prompted a memory of something Russell Brand wrote after Amy Winehouse died. Googled and found it, including this passage:
"What was so painful about Amy's death is that I know that there is something I could have done. I could have passed on to her the solution that was freely given to me. Don't pick up a drink or drug, one day at a time. It sounds so simple. It actually is simple but it isn't easy: it requires incredible support and fastidious structuring."
We can do the simple part: remind you not to pick up. And it is that simple. The not-so-easy part will fall partly on your shoulders. You need to follow through with your decision to go into inpatient. Once there, you will find the "incredible support and fastidious structuring" he described.
But you need to be steadfast. The resolve you articulated today needs to be just as strong in the next few days until you can get into inpatient. There, hope take hold again. You can do this, Myrrrah, and you have to.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
There is absolutely hope for you, Mrrryah1! MIR says it better than I can:
I don't think a drunk needs to "hit rock bottom" before he or she can quit. But I do think you need to "surrender" for lack of a better word. Accept that if you don't quit drinking, you will die. Legend tells of a commander that ordered his ships burned on the beaches after a landing- this way everyone would know there was no going back, only forward. Once you accept that to drink again is death you can begin to move forward with a new, different kind of life.
I know I could no more go back to drinking and live then I could go back to womb! Like you, if I drink again I will die. Not right away, but eventually I'd go back to the old pattern of my drinking getting worse and worse.
That old life is out of reach. Sometimes in a moment of melancholy I wistfully yearn for the simplicity that came with living the predictable, ordered kind of chaos that is the life of a drunk. But those thoughts burn away like morning mist as the sun heats the Earth.
It isn't always easy but so far it has always been worth it.
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
The worst day of my life was the very best day of my life. When I was totally and absolutely broken. When alcohol was the undisputed champion. When the choice was alcohol or death I surrendered once and for all. I realized simply I could not drink anymore.
You speak of the terror leaving you. I can not for tell the future but at almost 6 years sober that terror is just as real as it was the day I took my last drink. I pray that feeling of utter hopelessness is with me when I take my last breath.
You speak of the terror leaving you. I can not for tell the future but at almost 6 years sober that terror is just as real as it was the day I took my last drink. I pray that feeling of utter hopelessness is with me when I take my last breath.
I don't think a drunk needs to "hit rock bottom" before he or she can quit. But I do think you need to "surrender" for lack of a better word. Accept that if you don't quit drinking, you will die. Legend tells of a commander that ordered his ships burned on the beaches after a landing- this way everyone would know there was no going back, only forward. Once you accept that to drink again is death you can begin to move forward with a new, different kind of life.
I know I could no more go back to drinking and live then I could go back to womb! Like you, if I drink again I will die. Not right away, but eventually I'd go back to the old pattern of my drinking getting worse and worse.
That old life is out of reach. Sometimes in a moment of melancholy I wistfully yearn for the simplicity that came with living the predictable, ordered kind of chaos that is the life of a drunk. But those thoughts burn away like morning mist as the sun heats the Earth.
It isn't always easy but so far it has always been worth it.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
Some awesome responses and hope for me.
I stayed sober through the evening, and feel much better today. In the sense that I am less of an emotional basket case, and I'm not running to the bathroom every 5 seconds bursting into tears.
The thing about inpatient which I didn't state in my previous messages is that I've been to inpatient. Not once, but 3 times. By my own choice, every time.
I'm not arguing inpatient - I very well could absolutely NEED it in order to get some time under my belt and start thinking clearly. And I'm leaving it in the hands of the universe and the support I'm going to see to make this decision.
But the one hesitation I have is -
a) inpatient would be a glorious escape from my real life and responsibilities. I wouldn't have to work or contribute to the bills. I could leave my fiance to take care of everything and just spend months working on myself.
BUT.
b) Is it not an INTERNAL change which needs to occur rather than an external? Experience has shown me this. Ideally - wouldn't I continue to be a functioning and contributing member of society (and my own household) while giving sobriety all I've got?
Am I delusional here? Like I said - not trying to argue the inpatient idea whatsoever. If they decide I'm going - that's it. But just wondering if anyone has any opinions on my thought processes above.
I stayed sober through the evening, and feel much better today. In the sense that I am less of an emotional basket case, and I'm not running to the bathroom every 5 seconds bursting into tears.
The thing about inpatient which I didn't state in my previous messages is that I've been to inpatient. Not once, but 3 times. By my own choice, every time.
I'm not arguing inpatient - I very well could absolutely NEED it in order to get some time under my belt and start thinking clearly. And I'm leaving it in the hands of the universe and the support I'm going to see to make this decision.
But the one hesitation I have is -
a) inpatient would be a glorious escape from my real life and responsibilities. I wouldn't have to work or contribute to the bills. I could leave my fiance to take care of everything and just spend months working on myself.
BUT.
b) Is it not an INTERNAL change which needs to occur rather than an external? Experience has shown me this. Ideally - wouldn't I continue to be a functioning and contributing member of society (and my own household) while giving sobriety all I've got?
Am I delusional here? Like I said - not trying to argue the inpatient idea whatsoever. If they decide I'm going - that's it. But just wondering if anyone has any opinions on my thought processes above.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I've never done inpatient and I can see from your description the good and the bad. The question I would ask myself is can I stay sober for 3 to 6 months without it. 3 to 6 months will allow your head to clear and start thinking rationally again.
What I did was IOP and AA together. Almost every waking second was filled with recovery. I simply didn't have time to drink. Eventually I graduated from IOP (4 months) and attended AA 6 days a week for the first year. I still go to AA 3 weekly
What I did was IOP and AA together. Almost every waking second was filled with recovery. I simply didn't have time to drink. Eventually I graduated from IOP (4 months) and attended AA 6 days a week for the first year. I still go to AA 3 weekly
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1
That's the question I can't answer MI. What's IOP?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Originally Posted by Mrrryah1
BUT.
b) Is it not an INTERNAL change which needs to occur rather than an external? Experience has shown me this. Ideally - wouldn't I continue to be a functioning and contributing member of society (and my own household) while giving sobriety all I've got?
b) Is it not an INTERNAL change which needs to occur rather than an external? Experience has shown me this. Ideally - wouldn't I continue to be a functioning and contributing member of society (and my own household) while giving sobriety all I've got?
You've given sobriety all you've got. Based on your posts over many months, it seems you lack the mechanisms necessary to function among the perils of the external world, as you call it Consequently, you have had terrifying "lost weekends" and also wound up in drug houses, using among people who have your worst interests at heart. And, most recently, you od'd and landed in the hospital. That was a close call.
The external world isn't going to change. Time in inpatient would help you build many skills, including the ability to deal with the challenges and temptations of the external world while you work on your interior, too.
Keep your resolve to heal strong. I hope you can enter inpatient as soon as possible. There is much hope to be found there. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Mryahh, your number one priority right now is to survive. There's nothing more important in your life now than getting through each day without using. Stay mindful every day, learn coping skills, build up your sobriety muscle, and the internal changes will follow.
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