nmd

I've been on here a little while. Same pattern, My drinking getsgets out of control, I struggle for a while to quit or moderate. I have some success, but then end up falling back into drinking because honestly I want to.

I'm happy with my life I general, great kids, good job, a loving girlfriend. It scares me to think how I could lose it all, and yet I continue on a wrong path. Nothing I'm really looking for a far a advice from this post, just a bit scared. I guess that is a good thing.

nmd

Good not hood my phone is terrible

Dee74

Hi nmd

at least you're honest
I drank while I could get away with it too.

The problem is tho the slide from manageable to non manageable can be breathtakingly fast.

The earlier you decide to really do something about this the better. The less you'll lose from that list of things you value.

I didn't really want to get sober for a long time. I thought I'd be the guy to find a way to have my cake and eat it too.

Had I known how awesome being sober could be I would have done it years before I did.,,,but I let fear rule me and keep me in a self destructive, but familiar, cycle.

D

Dee74

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4531185

Sounds like you've been stuck here for a while nmd?

D

nmd

I Certainly have, but I want better

nmd

And I know what you mean about the slide into unmanageable, at least I've had a taste of it.

At my core, I feel like i have an impulsiveness that does me in over and over. A switch goes off and forget everything I've already decided. Not an excuse, but frustrating.

Dee74

I had that too but I worked on it and I gradually retrained myself.
you can too nmd

D

Verte

I hear you with this. For the longest time I could not figure out of what or why I was always scared. It was like a giant specter always looming ahead. In the last year of not drinking I realized that I thought I was supposed to know and have answers to a lot of questions that I simply do not and cannot answer. Learning to be OK with not having the answers (related to marriage, kids, work, life, friends), or even entering the process, is definitely something I could only do sober.

Is something nagging you these days? Glad you are here NMD.

nmd

Being a parent is exceptionally hard for one thing, my boys are entering middle school with all of the hormones and attitudes to go along with it.

Being in a relationship is hard, it's to easy to forget another persons feelings and deal with there imperfections along with my own.
I have enough imperfections for two people I think.

And I have about 42 unfinished projects around my home. one fell apart spectacularly on me tonight

Drinking doesn't help any if it. Being sober doesn't make anything easy either though. Easier I guess, but not easy.

Dee74

Things didn't immediately get better for me sober either...the early recovery period is not much fun.

but I realised staying sober gave me an emotional and physical consistency - it gave me a great platform to work from so I could really get to grips with making a life I wanted to live.

D

nmd

And of course my drinking is nagging at me. It's like a debt that slowly keeps growing and won't go away. You can only ignore it for so long

nmd

yeah, being under the influence half the time can't have any positive influence. Not on anxiety or patience with my kids or even just my ability to think. Not a good platform as you said

nmd

Right now I think the think I need is sleep, it's after 4am :-I goodnight dee and verte, thank you

nmd

I never understood the idea of acknowledging powerlessness in the aa program, but I think it's related and it hit me hard yesterday.

Somehow when drinking, even when technically sober, I think have all the answers, or I can find them. That I'm all powerful in a way, but I'm not. We think we are better than other people in a way. Other people are alcoholics, we caught it in time and can control it.

I started setting up a new pool. Leveled the ground, got sand, I basically know what I'm doing, but I lost time to amateur mistakes and got caught in an electrical storm last night. I had sense enough to cut my losses and run inside while the steel sides flopping in the wind, but it was a hard lesson. In the end, I didn't know everything and I needed help, much more than I was willing to admit. Luckily, I went out this morning and salvaged the pool for another day.

But you're right, I don't have all the answers. I may never find them. I need help from others and that's ok.

strategery

One of the things that you need to work out is why you keep on allowing yourself to keep slipping into the pattern of drinking because you want to. What thoughts are going through your head?

On those days where I have wanted to drink (and I've had my fair share of these ), I had to keep on reminding myself why I quit drinking and played the tape forward (what could happen if I drink?). If it was really bad, I posted here or did something to keep myself busy.