Community and connection.... Men
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Community and connection.... Men
I write this from a man's perspective only because I am one. Maybe women have a similar experience....
Men in our western modern world live in isolation. Even among our social circles.... Most often we are wearing a mask and hold within us a set of longings, insecurities and fears.
One thing deeply missing for men in this context is essential: honest, deep, soulful, meaningful connection with other men.
Having spent my weekend in sacred community with a group of me who share the understanding of how crucial this is to our soul survival and to being whole and full - I see an incredibly clear connection between the lack of this essential aspect of being a man - and addiction.
The life that sacrifices the soul and leaves the man isolated behind a false mask of expectation is
is the life of the dead... It is despairing
Men in our western modern world live in isolation. Even among our social circles.... Most often we are wearing a mask and hold within us a set of longings, insecurities and fears.
One thing deeply missing for men in this context is essential: honest, deep, soulful, meaningful connection with other men.
Having spent my weekend in sacred community with a group of me who share the understanding of how crucial this is to our soul survival and to being whole and full - I see an incredibly clear connection between the lack of this essential aspect of being a man - and addiction.
The life that sacrifices the soul and leaves the man isolated behind a false mask of expectation is
is the life of the dead... It is despairing
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It is intolerable...
No wonder then, that we turn to drugs and alcohol to numb it out.
Soul-nourishing wholeness requires community. I encourage all of you in sobriety or still struggling; seek ways to begin living REAL connection with other men, build your tribe with whom you can truly be yourself..... Open your heart and be there for others.
Alcohol or drugs aside.... We need these connections to fully live our soul's intent.
No wonder then, that we turn to drugs and alcohol to numb it out.
Soul-nourishing wholeness requires community. I encourage all of you in sobriety or still struggling; seek ways to begin living REAL connection with other men, build your tribe with whom you can truly be yourself..... Open your heart and be there for others.
Alcohol or drugs aside.... We need these connections to fully live our soul's intent.
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Yup, rigid gender roles hurt us all . I grew up In a family where the woman were a supposed to be meek and helpful and the men were supposed to be strong and work . In my sobriety I've gone Back to school and attended many recovery circles and it's upsetting to see the way these gender roles effect us. I've discovered there is no lack of men who are honest, deep, soulful , or able to connect it's juts unfortunately the opposite of what we're taught when we're little boys. It takes a lot of tIme to unLearn what society teaches us as kids .
The new generation is sick of it tho , gender roles be damned. The times they r a Changing, Thank god
The new generation is sick of it tho , gender roles be damned. The times they r a Changing, Thank god
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yes, I think there's some truth in that.
Unfortunately, my experience leads me to believe that we still have a long way to go.
Even this post itself is a good example - I'll bet a thousand dollars that among those who've read this and not replied, there are at least a dozen men who felt this hit home.... but who didn't reply because an inner critic told them something along the lines of "don't respond. don't let them know of your pain. don't let them see your vulnerability. if you're a MAN, you won't post or acknowledge this.... "
And that is an isolated, horribly wounded place to remain.
Unfortunately, my experience leads me to believe that we still have a long way to go.
Even this post itself is a good example - I'll bet a thousand dollars that among those who've read this and not replied, there are at least a dozen men who felt this hit home.... but who didn't reply because an inner critic told them something along the lines of "don't respond. don't let them know of your pain. don't let them see your vulnerability. if you're a MAN, you won't post or acknowledge this.... "
And that is an isolated, horribly wounded place to remain.
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I agree with you there. Men just aren't supposed to talk about their 'feelings', or should I say experiences in life.
Not that I ever have or would IRL, even with a professional. I have always carried a pretty heavy burden around with me.
We cannot talk about ourselves, and neither can we elect to escape from ourselves. It's a sad scenario for the battle worn soul.
Not that I ever have or would IRL, even with a professional. I have always carried a pretty heavy burden around with me.
We cannot talk about ourselves, and neither can we elect to escape from ourselves. It's a sad scenario for the battle worn soul.
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Originally Posted by Stratman1 
We cannot talk about ourselves, and neither can we elect to escape from ourselves. It's a sad scenario for the battle worn soul.
I have done it and so have a growing number of other brave and soulful men who realize that this fundamental disease of isolation is a huge part of what's destroying the world....
We not only CAN talk about ourselves.... indeed, we MUST.
A soulful life is possible, stratman.
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I lost my male friends over the years while I was married. This included my brother. My ex gave me almost no freedom to socialize with anyone but her. As a result, I had very little in the way of male connections for 30 years. I turned into a recluse who spent much of his "free" time down in the basement at the workbench with a bottle in my hand. My soul seems to be quite damaged.
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A gathering of Men, with Robert Bly
What your saying is correct.
The Nice Guy Syndrome:
"To truly understand the current phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome, we have to take into account a series of significant social changes that began around the turn of the century and accelerated following World War 2. These social dynamics included:[LIST] The transition from an agrarian to an industrial economy (boys no longer working with Fathers, Grandfathers, Uncles)
The movement of families from rural areas to urban areas
The absence of fathers from the home
The increase of divorce, single parent home headed by women (the boy being raised by his mother)
An educational system dominated by women
Women's liberation and feminism
The Vietnam war
The sexual revolution
These social changes created three profound dynamics and contributed to the wide spread penomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the baby boom generation
1 boys were seperated from their fathers and other significant male role models. As a result men became disconnected from other men in general and became confused as to what it meant to be male
2 Boys were left to be raised by women. The job of turning boys to men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a result, men became comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women
3 radical feminism implied that men were bad and/or unnecessary.....The messages of radical feminism furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be...for many men this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labled "bad men"
Robert Glover
Robert Bly a gathering of Men.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP3HWLIL1Aw
The Nice Guy Syndrome:
"To truly understand the current phenomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome, we have to take into account a series of significant social changes that began around the turn of the century and accelerated following World War 2. These social dynamics included:[LIST] The transition from an agrarian to an industrial economy (boys no longer working with Fathers, Grandfathers, Uncles)
The movement of families from rural areas to urban areas
The absence of fathers from the home
The increase of divorce, single parent home headed by women (the boy being raised by his mother)
An educational system dominated by women
Women's liberation and feminism
The Vietnam war
The sexual revolution
These social changes created three profound dynamics and contributed to the wide spread penomena of the Nice Guy Syndrome in the baby boom generation
1 boys were seperated from their fathers and other significant male role models. As a result men became disconnected from other men in general and became confused as to what it meant to be male
2 Boys were left to be raised by women. The job of turning boys to men was left to mothers and a school system dominated by women. As a result, men became comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women
3 radical feminism implied that men were bad and/or unnecessary.....The messages of radical feminism furthered the belief of many men that if they wanted to be loved and get their needs met, they had to become what they believed women wanted them to be...for many men this meant trying to hide any traits that might cause them to be labled "bad men"
Robert Glover
Robert Bly a gathering of Men.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP3HWLIL1Aw
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I relate to this post a lot. My husband has NO connection with other males. He has friends and we go out with them, he'll have a couple of beers with them and hang out but there's really NO connection and the only reason he is there is because I am friends with the wives. Even our friends from college. He keeps in touch with some but there's no real relationship. When I bring it up he says that "men just arent like that" and I don't agree. Why can't men have close friends with whom they can have a good supportive relationship.
I hurt for him because I wish he had other men to relate to, To rely and count on but we are in our 30s and it feels like making friends is hard.
I hurt for him because I wish he had other men to relate to, To rely and count on but we are in our 30s and it feels like making friends is hard.
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Originally Posted by Nowsthetime
Why can't men have close friends with whom they can have a good supportive relationship. I hurt for him because I wish he had other men to relate to, To rely and count on but we are in our 30s and it feels like making friends is hard.
Men need a 'tribe'. The greatest male injustice of the modern world is the loss of initiation and tribe.
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It's like a splinter in your mind
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
They can.... But it is tragically rare. This is changing, but men need to seek out the opportunities to forge real and meaningful friendships and community.
Men need a 'tribe'. The greatest male injustice of the modern world is the loss of initiation and tribe.
Men need a 'tribe'. The greatest male injustice of the modern world is the loss of initiation and tribe.
Robert Bly: 47mins
(a society without the father) If you are not with your father at all times of the day and all times of the year, a hole will appear in the son's phsyche. and that hole does not fill with little bambies or walt disney movies. It fills with demons. That hole in the son's phsyche fills with demons and those demons are distrust of older men.....
you've got to look in your own soul and see what effect these demons have had on you. And if you do not have the trust of older men...then you'll tend to go to women...and get whatever you want (need) from women...and that doesn't work too well...because there are certain things that women cannot give. They try but there are certain kind of assurances that we can only get from older men that you cannot get from women...
You cannot kill the demon, only educate him.
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I am fortunate that I have a core group of friends that I can really bond with. I have known them since childhood. They are sometimes not as apt to really opening up all the time but I am the first one they call when they really need to talk. I am grateful for that. On the other hand some of the newer male friend relationships I have acquired are spot on what your post says and it is a shame. You can be a mans man and have a heart and compassion and bond with your buddies. I believe that's the way it's supposed to be.
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