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A bit lost..

Old 05-08-2015, 04:51 AM
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A bit lost..

Its been awhile since ive written anything.. I have been feeling lost lately and i was reminded that i used to write.. So here i am. Wondering where to start..... I suppose ill start with today. This morning i woke up to a phone call from someone whom i care about so very much.. My boyfriend whom im very proud of for admitting himself into residential rehab for possibly 28 days. Im always happy to hear his voice and know he is ok. I miss him terribly at home and its onlybeen a few days. Im very supportive and happy he is getting the help he needs but im also feeling other things.. Loneliness.. Restlessness.. Like im lost. I cant focus well enough to read a book. Im antsy and hate being at home.. Im not motivated at all but forcing myself to be productive.. I feel guilty because i feel like im part of the problem... I worry about him and feel helpless... I feel useless... Ive started a family recovery group tonight and that was good. It gave me some ideas to help address some of what i was feeling. But something new popped up.. Now i feel like maybe instead of being supportive im overexagerating. Maybe he will think since i havent lived with him very long i cant really relate with these other people whom have been dealing with it for years.. Maybe i dont really know him... Ever since ive known him hes had this struggle. What if once he beats it.. And he will... What if we arent the same.. What if i annoy him more.. Because now he will be able to focus better and not have as much patience.. What if we change too much... Theres fear there... I struggle with not being enough... I wasnt enough to help him... What if this becomes another way where im not enough.... Im rambling.. I did mention my lack of focus... I love this man completely.. Faults and all. And i will do and learn whatever i can to help however i can.. But these groups where they say i need to focus on me.... I dont know how to do that.. I dont know if i want to..... I went to the park today thinking i could take a nice walk along the trails and didnt get out of the car. I felt guilty to do this simple thing.. I wanted to do it with him. It just made me feel more alone... I wonder if he realizes tge different things the drinking made me feel.. Some yes but i dont think he realizes... I dont think he can remember... Thats one of the hardest things for me... That i remember all of it but he remembers bits.... So its never as bad from that point of view.. And your stuck with a memory that cant be shared.. A hurt that cant be validated... So in a sense.. Its not real... It never happened... Only you still feel it.... Its hard to be honest with yourself. And these groups want you to be honest and tell how you feel. But how do you do that without making the other person feel bad? Because thats not what i want to do nor the point. The point is to heal and learn how to let it go and move forward... But im not sure how.... I dont want to cause more hurt in any way... And maybe i fear a sorta rejection.. Like im overexagerating or its not been very long or i dont know how to explain it but the feelings there... It makes me want to hide the hurts... Not share them. Im so very proud of the way he is tackling his recovery. Who am i to chance messing up that momentum. That positive attitude to move forward. Im tired... Always tired lately.. I am the strong one... I saved his life... Id do it again... Make that 911 call. Tears streaming down my face as i felt like i was betraying him.. Scared of all the pills he took as he slipped into a deep depression.. Scared when i walked into his room in the er with blood everywhere as they tell me hes pulled his ivs out three times and seeing him in restraints.. Trying desperately to escape and begging me for alcohol and to undo the ties.. But putting on a brave face trying to figure out what to do but feeling lost and helpless.. Lonely.. Hurting... Watching over him in the icu while he recovers and detoxes.. Listening.. Asking questions.. Not letting myself think about the fact i almost lost this man i love... It then sinking in as he was transfered to a psych ward to finish detoxing and get treated for deppression... Going home each night to the quiet.. My big empty bed.... Knowing we are just getting started on this chapter of our story.. Now that i cant take care of him. What do i do with myself... I lost my job. They hired somebody else to cover my absences... I am concerned to start a new one when i feel like our lives are a bit up in the air as we readjust.. Im not sleeping well... I feel my self confidence slipping... It hasnt been very long but it feels like a lifetime... Hes in a better place now and doing well. Im so proud of him for that... What if im not what he needs when he comes home... Our lives have revolved around drinking.. Now what... He gets a little short with me when i dont understand something right away.. He trys not to. But its there. I catch it.. I know im slower to learn.. These little things scare me... I dont have the reassurances day to day anymore.... So they chip at my confidance... They buddy up with my being tired... It messes with my head.... I just want a hug... I want to hear everything is going to be ok... I want to be reassured... I dont want to feel alone.......its funny. Every group reminds you that your not alone. But when a part of your heart is missing it feels like that... I know we will get through this. I just wish we were doing it together.... Being separated is hard... Tomorrow i will force myself out of bed.. I will wait for his calls.. I will find things for me to do and try tobe productive.. I will continue to fight the good fight.. And i will pray... And i will mark off another day.... And keep moving forward....
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Old 05-08-2015, 04:57 AM
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Welcome to SR Lillian.

Having your loved one in rehab is a special kind of challenge for the one 'left behind' but you'll find a lot of understanding and support here

Try to remember - your bf is doing this to get well - not to punish you

D
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Old 05-08-2015, 04:58 AM
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What I hear screaming forth from your words is a clear longing to know, embrace and love yourself....

These messages you've shared are so common.... So human...

Maybe it's a good time to go within and get to know your own inner voice and learn to love the friend you find there.

Thanks for sharing!
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Old 05-08-2015, 07:00 AM
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Thank you �� i am trying to figure it out and find my place in things as everythings gone a bit haywire.. I tell myself it takes some time.. Thank you for the kind words
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Old 05-08-2015, 07:17 AM
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You might want to consider doing AlANON or another group that is focused on the family as a whole unit and not just "the current situation..."Truth is none of us are perfect and that we enable and engage most of the time in our lives. But, for some of us that isn't enough, for some of us we have to be in control in order to learn to be okay with giving up control we have to step back and re-examine ourselves.
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Old 05-08-2015, 07:24 AM
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Welcome to SR, Lillian; you will find an abundance of support here.
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Old 05-10-2015, 08:18 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Lillian!!
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Old 05-10-2015, 09:47 AM
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Hi Lillian, it sounds like you are the most supportive girlfriend ever

Remember that you are a person in your own right as well and that supporting your boyfriend should not be the only thing in your life, you have a right to live for yourself as well
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