ipaidwithmylife

Hey, so here I am again. This time for more serious reasons: I never believe and/or secretly tend to get a bit annoyed with people on here, who tell me I'll probably relapse without help, especially if I have just the one drink. But now, I'm sad to say it's true. In the past month, I'm owning up to having consumed alcohol three times and now in the early days of May... I just had a fourth and fifth relapse.

So anyway: the first one was the worst: a real bender: a bottle of wine, after I'd somehow convinced myself I could moderate. Surprise, surprise: I couldn't! Then I waited five days, had two beers and half a glass of wine, a little more than a week later, I had a birthday party: half a glass of beer, but STILL: beer. Two days ago: three bottles, yesterday: three, even if I was going for two.

I just can't seem to get out this vicious cycle! Yet I can't help it, the urges are too strong. I can be happy for a while, but then I always get sad and give up on things, allowing the cravings to take over. I just get too depressed, to think and get jealous of people when they're drunk and pleasant. I just feel like a waste of space now, like I'm not worth to see another day. I'm so far away from my former-self and long to find that person again.

I'm just scared this will go on and on and I won't ever get my life back. I don't know what ever possessed me to start drinking, but I hate myself for it, as I ruin my life with it, over and over, a little more with each sip.

So, there: another rant. Again, I don't really know what to archieve with this. I just felt like letting people on here know, that I'm not that strong and enjoy torturing myself, with failing, over and over. I had three months... I guess that's all I ever have. Bye guys, I'm tuning out.

Oclaf

I used to think that getting sober depended on my character. Really though it depends on a number of things. Because your brain is patterned to use alcohol in most situations. Want to cope? Drink. Want to eat? Drink. It's raining? Drink. My gf broke up with me? Drink. It's sunny? Drink. I hate to be another person that tells you that you need to put work into your soberity, but it was something I had to come to grips with too. There is no magic switch that makes you stop. If there was all of us wouldn't be here. I'm not gonna tell you that you need to go to AA meetings everyday. Recovery has no one size fits all solution. You have to find your own path! If you need some more help or words of encouragement you can pm me and we can hash it out! I have much hope for you! I know you can do this.

Dee74

No-one is a lost cause. No one.

That's all the more reason to stay here rather than 'tuning out' surely?

Do you think maybe you need a more definite plan?

D

tomsteve

You are not a lost cause.
You don't enjoy torturing yourself either!

Here's something I don't know if it has anything to Do with anything:
For a person to do one of these relapses, it seems they would have to have some time sober. IMO that would be more than a couple days or a week. If just a couple days, a person just drank. Period.

Yer scared it will go on and on. That could be a good thing. Yup, it will go on and on IF ya don't get into action and make changes. It will go on and on IF ya don't make getting sober then staying sober #1 priority in her life- put it above everything else.
Sol ya can use that fear to motivate ya to get into action.
But it doesn't have to go on and on. You can stop the viscous cycle, but ya gotta be willing to do whatever it takes.
So, onto solutions. Before I give a suggestion for that, do you want suggestions on solutions? Do you want to stop the vicious cycle?
Yes, you do!

I hope and pray ya want to get sober and are willing to do whatever it takes. Yer worth it and life sober rocks!

Nonsensical

You drank three bottles of depressant yesterday and today you feel depressed. No one should find that surprising.

My addiction to alcohol loves to tell me I'm a lost cause. Makes it easier to control me next time it wants a drink. My addiction also likes to tell me how I am missing out on all kinds of fun because I don't drink any more. (Because it was so much FUN to feel like crap most of the time.)

My addiction is a liar and a thief. I stopped taking advice from a known liar and my life got better. I highly recommend it.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Serenidad

Never give up! Never! We alcoholics can't give up because to give up is to die. Let's fight this thing together!

thomas11

Hi paid, I'll echo what others have said. You are not a lost cause. No way no how. You are here, you want to get better, you can get better. Maybe today, maybe not, but you can do it. Forgive yourself, move forward. I wish you the best.

ccam1973

Paid, I'll reiterate that NO ONE is a lost cause!

You know what it takes to succeed in beating this. You have all of the tools... you have made it 3 months. You just need to alter your plan, adjust your thinking for long term results. Let's break down your thoughts a bit...

Yet I can't help it, the urges are too strong. ... We are alcoholics. These urges are strong but beatable. You can't give your AV any room for entry. Once you start communicating with your AV, the battle is lost... Get your mind off of that communication as soon as it starts. Divert your attention, get on SR, go for a walk, bike ride, shopping... what ever you need to do to let the urge pass.

I can be happy for a while, but then I always get sad and give up on things, allowing the cravings to take over. ... I don't know about you but I am much happier being sober than I ever was when I was drinking heavily. Don't let your AV convince you that the grass is greener when you are drinking... obviously it is not, otherwise you would not be trying to quit. Stay strong and remember the reasons that you are quitting in the first place.

I just get too depressed, to think and get jealous of people when they're drunk and pleasant. ... That's your AV talking again. In my opinion, there is nothing to be jealous of. Those people can either handle having a few drinks and call it a night or are in the same boat that we are in. If you are like me and most everyone at SR, we can't handle just a few drinks. You have to realize that a few leads to more and more and more until we self destruct... That's why you are quitting I am guessing.

I just feel like a waste of space now, like I'm not worth to see another day. I'm so far away from my former-self and long to find that person again. ... Don't beat your self up anymore. You are worth it, not a waste of space and CAN get your old self back again. You have the power to get YOU back.

It is totally up to you. We have all fallen and get back up again. You have to make some hard decisions in your mind. Quit comparing yourself to others. That never works, in any of life's situations. Concentrate on you and your sobriety. The rest will fall into place.

You are stronger than your excuses!! Use this as motivation to get the YOU back that you deserve.

We are here to help. Stay strong.

Findingtheway

You are NOT alone. SR has helped me through the feelings you are describing.

AA has helped too. Grab hold of support and incorporate it into your DAILY life.

If you're like me it will take WORK and major Changes to your day to day life.

But for me...It is working wonders. Truly.

LiberatedStorm

Ditto!!!

TroyW

I know this goes against the grain for this forum, but to be totally honest, considering the intake levels you mentioned, I wouldn't be worried about being as upset as you seem to be.

If those levels are normal for you, then there's most likely nothing wrong. Those intake levels are what we call a "normie". It's nothing to torture yourself over, because more than likely, the stress you're putting yourself under is causing you more damage than the small intake of alcohol.

Anna

No, the urges are not too strong. If you believe they are, then you're going to have problems.

If you hope to be happy all the time, that's going to be a problem too. Life is full of ups and downs and we experience them all. You can learn how to manage being happy and being sad, without drinking.

You can do this!

ArtFriend

Attitude - you are defeated already if you think you cannot stop drinking. But you CAN. Many thousands of people have done it. Why should you be the one who cannot? You need to say to yourself you can do it. Sounds trite, but it is the first step on the journey. If you quit on yourself, you will never quit drinking.

chickippo

this is not your call to make.

OP, you can do this.

TroyW

Assuming what she wrote is the truth, and she's not hiding anything, then by no means does that scream alcoholic to me. Go read her initial post again.

Her "real bender" was a bottle of wine, then five days later had 2 beers and half a glass of wine, then a week later had half a glass of beer.

I'm sorry, but by no means is that an alcoholic, unless she's hiding her true intake. Otherwise, that's just a totally normal individual living out their lives.

Dee74

The Original poster seems to feel they have a problem - thats good enough for me...seems the least we can do is help Ipaid solve it.

PM is best for back and forth disagreements.

so...Ipaid - how are you today?

Dee
Moderator
SR

least

You're not a lost cause as long as you're still breathing.

Hevyn

I agree with Least & the others. I drank for decades, now have 7 yrs. sober. We know it's possible to get back on track, no matter how down you are right now. Don't give up trying for a better life - you can do this.

ipaidwithmylife

Dee 74: I'm fine, I guess, still a little bummed about taking to drinking again, yesterday, but I'm managing.

The biggest problem is that I'm prone to obsession, where I completely lose myself in something/someone interesting and it makes me happy for a while, but then as I find out more, I get depressed. I know this makes little sense, but I'm really bothered by the little things.

Also, I think I'm someone who always wants to see instant improvement referring to e.g.: my mental health. And then when it doesn't get there soon enough, I give up, as I always believe I'm never getting better again. And I know, I do KNOW more drinking is bad and it doesn't solve squad, yet at that time, I'm so lost, I'm like: screw it!

To top that: my sister has made remarks to me twice, accusing me of being drunk when I wasn't, which made me feel awful. I think it's because I like to cover up how I feel, with humor and cheerfulness, since everyone is tired of my nagging. But yeah: apparently I seem high and weird, even when I'm stonecold-sober and then when the latest blow has struck me: I'm like: what's the point? I'm already messed-up.

Also, I have an alarming lack of hobbies, which means I spent most of my time being bored, as I'm depressed and not wiling to get into anything.

So yeah, sorry for another rant. I just wanted to give an honest answer to your question.

Dee74

It makes sense to me - I think it will make sense to a lot of other people here too.
I'm still obsessive but I've worked hard at balance - it's a process tho - it takes a little time to move from a negative position to a positive one.

Keep trying!

D