SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hi All,

My name is VG. I started drinking heavily when I was 21. For two years, I drank so much that I developed stomach problems, was often late for work (or missed it completely), and became so deeply self-centered and destructive that threw away a number of important relationships. I was your typical egomaniacal, chronically misunderstood, smarter-than-everyone drunk. Eventually, a DUI scared me to the point of "quitting" cold turkey for about six months. Throughout most of my 20s, I tempered my drinking significantly to resemble the drinking of my peers, although would periodically get black-out drunk and risk my health and safety. About two years ago, I started going to AA meetings. It was one of the scariest things I have ever done, but I did it. I immersed myself in AA literature, starting working the steps, and examined my life through the lens of AA in a way that helped me understand the root of my drinking. I began to understand humility and service. I started putting other people first and developing authentic compassion. I stopped drinking for another six months and felt great. One bad choice led to more drinking, periodic sober pit stops, and half measures in recovery. For the past year or so, I have become "high functioning" in my alcoholism. I don't drink every single day, and I haven't been black-out drunk in a very long time. And yet, the craving and irritability swarm at the end of every day. Taking one drink feels like coming up for air. Taking 2-3 more is usually enough to really get the endorphins moving. Only, it's not good -- because it's artificial, makes me feel immense shame and regret, and contributes to the cycle. While I am no longer drinking to the point of doing anything as dumb as I used to, I still feel the impact on my mind and body. I feel perpetually depressed and anxious, I feel like my body is slogging along and trying futilely to clean itself up, and I feel such deep guilt from drinking that the shame in one necessitates two more in order to push it away. I know that, in order to move forward and enjoy life fully again, I need to stop drinking entirely. I spent enough time in AA to realize that. And so here I stand. I am looking forward to the support of this group of people and am planning to start going to meetings again. I'm afraid of taking that step because I feel like I'm going to get greeted with the "Where have YOU been?" look. And yet, I think I really need it. Thanks for reading.

-VG