anattaboy

It was a fifth and a couple high-grav 2x4's yesterday. It allowed me to sleep til 4am. Wife had some Lites in the fridge so I'm not shaking but will be by noon. I can't believe what a shipbum I've become in such a short time. I make it 2 days, then....
Something will happen--usually something bad or a epiphany of sorts. Needs to happen now! (as I crack open another 12oz lite.....

TroyW

Simple question. Why do you want to quit drinking? Bit of a rhetorical question, but nonetheless, important one.

I now have a poster sized paper posted just above my computer, staring me in the face every day, which lists my short, mid & long-term goals. It helps cement the reasons into my head as to why I want to stay sober. By making the bottle my best friend, I won't achieve any of those goals.

Nonsensical

If you didn't want to go to Chicago, why did you get on the train?

You know where this leads. Not your first rodeo. Get off at the next stop.

Be well.

anattaboy

Good question Troy. Truth is, I don't want to wake up when I pass out but too chickenship to do it right. So I just keep going deeper. There is no depth to being drunk all the time unless one looks at what it does physically---lots going on there.

anattaboy

NS, thanks but I'm on this side for now. Figuring out the why will have to come later. Right now I have to plan when the last 4 units in the fridge will go and try to fit some food in somewhere. I'm not super ill like I was last May but there is only one way to go from here.... I want to be on that side of the fence.

MIRecovery

I found out I could not do this without the support of others. Maybe it is time to try something different

anattaboy

Tis why I'm here MI.

anattaboy

Lost my vape pen....again.... so I'm smoking. So stupid. I'm one of those that quit and can't stand the smell of cig smoke....now I got it all over me.

silentrun

I would quit smoking and always go back after about 3 weeks. The hardest thing about all those attempts was getting up the nerve to try again. The quitting sucked but at least I was doing something about it. You have got to figure out a way to get this moving again. You have to. Don't give yourself the option of staying stuck. Not with this one.

anattaboy

I gotta eat somehow. Wife just got up and said " I don't know how anyone gets up at 6 (it was 4) and drinks". Made me feel a bit smaller but I've asked myself this question every time I do it. Alcoholism does not make any sense at all.

Dee74

I'm sorry to read you're still struggling.

I just want to remind you you can stop digging any time you like, man.

I'd do anything - AA, detox. rehab - whatever it takes.

D

MarathonMan

I think you need to admit your way hasn't worked, go and get into a detox and get to AA everyday. I don't agree with all the teaching etc of AA but being surrounding by other alcoholics all pouring their guts out sticks in your mind when you're feeling week. I was sure my method would work so I tried it over and over again. I know it's a massive cliche but nothing changes if nothing changes.

I'd love for you to get back on track as you're one of the ones who talks some sense. Try something different as what your doing isn't working and probably won't again next time.

Stay safe and go to the ER if the detox gets scary.

Change4good

I hear you. I went back out, and can't get back. We are in a dangerous place.

Dee74

What I said to annataboy applies to you too Change.

Stop digging, forpetesake.

D

ArtFriend

Sounds like something bad has already happened. And I think you have had that epiphany too. Now you need to do something about it. That's the hard part.

sva777

So sorry to hear all of this is going on, you have been a big help for many people in this forum.

I hope you can snap out of your ways and go back to being that guy again.

anattaboy

MM, I won't rule out AA totally. Back in '10 I would white-knuckle it til 8am and go to a meeting and everything would be good--I made it 16 months. Also had an 8 yr. stint from '89 to '97 in East Tennessee (a big shout-out to Central Group in Johnson City). I've done the steps to the best of my ability 3 times, been GSR, very involved whilst in prison etc.---my problem is "willful forgetfulness". I just really want blotto sometimes and the switch to turn that off is elusive. Actually, it's not an option once I've decided. Today I lean more toward RR and AVRT as it addresses that very thing (the thought process of making it an option again).
As of now I have ate a little and found my vape pen (yay). There are 2 more 12oz beers (geez, these things are tiny) in the fridge and the wife has the car and all the money til 4 . No vodka today (another yay).... I'm getting there....

Soberwolf

Hope you both decide to stop drinking its getting you both nowhere Anatta & change and as D says

Stop Digging

SoberLeigh

I am so sorry that you are still struggling, anattaboy.

If you lean towards RR and AVRT, Google "AVRT on-line worksheets' and get started now!!!!! I would post the link but I am not sure if that would violate SR policy.

Rooting for you.

strategery

You mention that you're not as sick as you were in May. While I don't know what happened then, if you continue, you could end up just as ill, if not more ill.

I always thought I would have some kind of epiphany as well or that my desire to drink would go away too, but it did not. I had to commit to being sober and then do the work and deal with the discomfort. Ultimately it's up to us whether we break or stay in that cycle. The madness won't stop until you decide it's going to stop. Please commit to breaking that cycle today and get some help.