Another 35 units
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
No 30 yet. About 3 since my last dose..... "Tonight's The Night" (Niel Young--NOT Phil Collins) is my mantra for now. Wifey and I are gonna push through the night with h2o and a small amount of nugs.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
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No SV, she does not drink nearly as much as me usually.. We DO have this Co-dep thing going on that if one of us relapses the other will follow eventually. I thought I had weathered that storm by making it through 3 of hers in this past yr---then I drank. So ....like 1 step forward, 10 back. My test is coming at 6am. Do I really need one to stop shakes/sweats or is my dis-ease creating the symptom to be fed? I HAVE realized a lot of my thinking has been AV addled and just plain irrational. Last 2 times we both quit I had to take the lead and last year I even left for a week. My suspension is over for cussing out staff so I'm glad to be back. I should never attempt to garner pity or pick fights on a "sober site". I'm sober since like 2pm yesterday....
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
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Hey anatta, glad you checked in. After 6 months of trying to quit without changing much in my life I got other people involved. I saw a doctor, called a woman who specialized in addiction, went to inpatient. It was aggressive and somewhat extreme but it forced me to acknowledge that my drinking wasn't a side event, it had become the main show.
I really think doing something different is actually the easiest way to get sober. I found making myself accountable to others face to face flushed my AV out of hiding. It was really uncomfortable. I remember sitting in the car while my husband got my Librium script filled. All around me people were going on with their business but I was sitting in a car needing medicine so I could stop drinking. Then I was in a dressing room buying bigger pants (I had gained weight at the end) so I had something to wear in rehab. Then I was having my luggage searched at the detox unit. Then I was standing in line waiting for meds to be doled out in a paper cup. Then I was walking back into my house 30 days later with crystal clear recognition that I had been handed a second chance.
That process is seared in my memory. I mentioned at some point that inpatient was overkill as I had no legal, marital or financial reasons to go. But in retrospect, I don't think it was overkill, I think it was definitive, bold and life changing.
I am urging you to do something different, maybe open your situation up to face to face outside help. I know that place of a brief cessation of AV noise and being trapped in that hellish limbo. I am pulling for you, I hope you take some action, if you find you feel resistant to it…chances are it is exactly what you need to do.
Take care buddy.
I really think doing something different is actually the easiest way to get sober. I found making myself accountable to others face to face flushed my AV out of hiding. It was really uncomfortable. I remember sitting in the car while my husband got my Librium script filled. All around me people were going on with their business but I was sitting in a car needing medicine so I could stop drinking. Then I was in a dressing room buying bigger pants (I had gained weight at the end) so I had something to wear in rehab. Then I was having my luggage searched at the detox unit. Then I was standing in line waiting for meds to be doled out in a paper cup. Then I was walking back into my house 30 days later with crystal clear recognition that I had been handed a second chance.
That process is seared in my memory. I mentioned at some point that inpatient was overkill as I had no legal, marital or financial reasons to go. But in retrospect, I don't think it was overkill, I think it was definitive, bold and life changing.
I am urging you to do something different, maybe open your situation up to face to face outside help. I know that place of a brief cessation of AV noise and being trapped in that hellish limbo. I am pulling for you, I hope you take some action, if you find you feel resistant to it…chances are it is exactly what you need to do.
Take care buddy.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Seriously thanks jaynie. I DID have a bit of an epiphany of sorts this week in regards to MY way of doing things---I am a bit cut off. I willfully cut myself off from reality most of my adult life and have not really addressed this "outsider" thing. I just did 32 months of prison time. I became adept at meditating there--the days becoming a breath--inhale, morning--exhale, night time . I may very well have induced bad Ideas into my Buddhist practice due to institutionalization. I got lazy. Everything is NOT Zen for me right now (no surprise that my practice has been sporadic at best since Nov. '14). A big lack of humility in assuming I could "coast" through sobriety like drunk (or like in prison where the only real way to tell time is when it's eatin' time).. .. Bad Plan.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
I think it is time for detox, and just be done with it. Go get your oil changed, get sober, and start anew.
I don't think your plan is working for you. This might sound harsh, but I see a lot of rationalizations to keep drinking. You are going to crush your body and spirit.
Please do it.
I don't think your plan is working for you. This might sound harsh, but I see a lot of rationalizations to keep drinking. You are going to crush your body and spirit.
Please do it.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by anattaboy 
MM, I won't rule out AA totally. Back in '10 I would white-knuckle it til 8am and go to a meeting and everything would be good--I made it 16 months. Also had an 8 yr. stint from '89 to '97 in East Tennessee (a big shout-out to Central Group in Johnson City). I've done the steps to the best of my ability 3 times, been GSR, very involved whilst in prison etc.---my problem is "willful forgetfulness". I just really want blotto sometimes and the switch to turn that off is elusive. Actually, it's not an option once I've decided. Today I lean more toward RR and AVRT as it addresses that very thing (the thought process of making it an option again).
As of now I have ate a little and found my vape pen (yay). There are 2 more 12oz beers (geez, these things are tiny) in the fridge and the wife has the car and all the money til 4 . No vodka today (another yay).... I'm getting there....
As of now I have ate a little and found my vape pen (yay). There are 2 more 12oz beers (geez, these things are tiny) in the fridge and the wife has the car and all the money til 4 . No vodka today (another yay).... I'm getting there....
Sounds to me you know what works. Trouble might be that when you did what worked to NOT DRINK - you maybe didn't do the rest....
See, I found that "not drinking" was just the part of the equation that let me work on the deeper issues that drinking was coping with all along.
"white knuckling" - to me - means we're not dealing with stuff.
Not drinking brings about the opportunity to grow as a person, to offload our baggage, to grow up, to learn about our soul, to find peace with our past and to reinvent who we want to be and free the inner Self we always really were....
But that takes more than just "not drinking".
Maybe you'd find some new ground, some new progress, if you got back into what works for the NOT DRINKING part - and moved into some of the harder work......
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