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Alcoholic Wife - Plunge to A-ism so slow, it took a while to realize!

Old 05-05-2015, 11:40 AM
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Alcoholic Wife - Plunge to A-ism so slow, it took a while to realize!

Hi,

Wife in an alcoholic and somewhere in between denial and refusal to attempt recovery.

Since I've known here almost 20 years, we've almost always had wine at dinner or a drink in the evening. But then it got to be "too regular" with her and she would drink no matter what, whether I did or didn't. I noticed there was a big problem when I started realizing she was SNEAKING drinks, siphoning form one bottle to another, and all kinds of weird things to divert attention from the consumption.

Its been at least 4-5 years since I began seeing these signs, but she has kept things somewhat under enough control (a "relative term") - - until lately, when I have begun to address the need for change in our home as things have gotten less and less "under control".

We have an almost-14 year-old son. I honestly don't think he knows Mom is getting "half-lit" every night, but some on here have suggested I am being naive. Maybe he is suffering in silence? I have raised the issue just a bit lately and as of yesterday when my wife completely blew up at me and said all sorts of horrible stuff in front of our son about our marriage and me being the cause of all her emotional strife (and of course, her drinking), our son will barely talk to me. WHY? I am heartbroken, as we live in the country where there are no kids around to run out and play with. I am semi-retired, so my son and I spend A LOT of time together... More than may even be "normal", but we have a great relationship and always have for all his life and 13 years of mine - - until the last couple of days.

I want to make my wife go to rehab or leave till she gets it together. Our son does not need to be a victim of her self-indulgence and stupidity. I am SO sorry if this offends any alcoholics who may read this, but that is how I see my wife's behavior. She was 100% alcohol-free while pregnant and was not always "addicted", but now, with alcohol - and I would say a combination of ambien at night and something called Topamax, I think her mind is just not functioning properly and her judgment and self-control can only be categorized as pitiful (and 99% self-focused).

Wife: A college-educated, reasonably intelligent woman of 50 years, who seems to be going to hell in a hand basket and dragging what would otherwise be a happy and healthy family down with her for no good reason. You know what? I will throw my life in the toilet if it will save my son from having to be sad and depressed in an alcoholic-ruined home.

What can I do??? I need to do something to save us - or at least my son; Preferably all three of us, but as stated, I will do whatever I need to to save my son from a fate he simply does not deserve!

Please help - -
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Old 05-05-2015, 11:56 AM
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Hello again Bob. There was a lot of good advice and resources listed in your last post about this issue so I"ll link it here as a refernce.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-out-here.html

You would probably do well to read and share in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum too. Unfortunately there really isn't much you can do to "fix" your wife's alcoholism unless she is ready and willing to get better on her own. What's best is for you to take care of yourself and your son as you may not be able to count on her to do so unfortunately.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 05-05-2015, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by TheBob1 View Post
What can I do??? I need to do something to save us - or at least my son; Preferably all three of us, but as stated, I will do whatever I need to to save my son from a fate he simply does not deserve!

Please help - -
Bob, if that was the case, that you'd do anything to save your son, I think you would have already made the very difficult decision you know you must make. But you want to make room in the lifeboat for you wife, and that may not be possible.
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Old 05-05-2015, 12:16 PM
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This hits so very close to home.
Everything your wife is doing I am 100% guilty of.
I am so early in my recovery I don't even feel like I can give you advice to help you as I would be a hypocrite. My husband did go with me to my first AA meeting last week and there we learned that there is a family support group for love ones and friends of alcoholics. Is it possible that there is the same group in your area you could go to for advice?
I hope you find support for you, your wife and son.
***HUGS***
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Old 05-05-2015, 12:32 PM
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Hi TheBob1, I was just like your wife except I didn't have any children. I came from a family where my dad drank, a lot, then he got nasty with my mum and all the time we had to stay in our rooms and pray he wouldn't kill her.

I've stopped, thank goodness, with a lot of hard work and this forum but reading the experiences on here I think you have to take care of you and your son. Focus on yourselves, not your wife.

I'm unsure how you do this and wish I'd known when I was young but you will learn a lot from this forum and help for families of alcoholics.

I know one thing, though, she won't stop until she wants to, nothing can make One stop until that person really wants it.
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Old 05-05-2015, 12:35 PM
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How was the meeting last night???

Your wife has a disease if she is indeed an alcoholic. You cannot cure her just as you could not cure her of cancer.

But, you can seek understanding and help for you and your son. This help may lead to her seeking a solution as well.

You do not have to witness her implosion. That is her choice.

Keep coming back
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:20 PM
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You would probably do well to read and share in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics forum too. Unfortunately there really isn't much you can do to "fix" your wife's alcoholism unless she is ready and willing to get better on her own. What's best is for you to take care of yourself and your son as you may not be able to count on her to do so unfortunately.



Thank you Scott, for your advice and gentle nudges to the "right" place. Seems I am a little lost here, as I thought I posted this under "family and friends". Forums are new to me - should I be posting somewhere else?
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by TheBob1 View Post
Thank you Scott, for your advice and gentle nudges to the "right" place. Seems I am a little lost here, as I thought I posted this under "family and friends". Forums are new to me - should I be posting somewhere else?
Don't get me wrong, you are more than welcome to post here whenever you like. The folks over in the friends and family section might also have some insight into the matter much more specific to your situation though. If you click on the text below it will take you to the friends and family section. Or, if you just scroll down the main page once you are logged in you will see the "friends and family of alcoholics" about halfway down the page.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Bob, if that was the case, that you'd do anything to save your son, I think you would have already made the very difficult decision you know you must make. But you want to make room in the lifeboat for you wife, and that may not be possible.
Maybe I am a little thick here, but I don't think it is as simple as you say. Are you suggesting I should have picked up and left with my son or are you saying I should have asked her to leave? Without legal action, I don't think I can force the latter, and if I do the former, I suspect the legal **** that would come my way would be worse than the alcoholic madness of staying the course. My son is not in imminent danger - at least not physically - but it kills me to see him in a home that could/should be very normal and very happy.

Please - - I'm only now realizing the full weight and enormity/difficulty of DEALING with this issue and only now starting to try and DEAL with it. Pease don't tell me I "shoulda, woulda, coulda" done something else.

Thanks.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by TheBob1 View Post
Are you suggesting I should have picked up and left with my son or are you saying I should have asked her to leave?
As crazy as it may sound, those are options that many have had to resort to. It's a stunningly powerful addiction to overcome for some.
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Old 05-05-2015, 01:58 PM
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Originally Posted by TheBob1 View Post
Without legal action, I don't think I can force the latter, and if I do the former, I suspect the legal **** that would come my way would be worse than the alcoholic madness of staying the course.
Then perhaps the first course of action can be seeing a lawyer and determining what your legal options are.
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:23 PM
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"You do not have to witness her implosion. That is her choice. "

Many thanks for the encouragement, but I'm running onto one huge problem here between the part of your message and another one suggesting I "know what to do".

NOT knowing these things to be "obvious" are the main reasons I am here.

How does a married man with a 14 year-old boy, and a wife of almost 20 years simply "not witness" something his wife is doing? You see, she is at the line and walks close to it every day - sometimes crossing, sometime not. Let me be clear, she is not a "drunk" in the sense most people think. She is, as I have heard some say, "high functioning". She makes dinner every night, tries to keep the house clean, etc. She just likes to have some drinks every night (and sneaks some at other times I am not always aware). There is an appearance here that all is fine and dandy - even right in our home a lot of the time - but its not. Her problem is quite, well, subtle compared to the more obvious cases. All that to say I'm not sure I would get support anywhere and could end up finding myself in deeper trouble than if I just let it continue. For example: Lately, she has implied by some words and actions that she may accuse me of 'abuse' if I try to "expose" her problem. Nice, huh? And guess what. People believe a woman who says she is abused, even when there is a 50+ year lifetime of no abuse.

I feel as if I am being held hostage in my own life and home. There has been no abuse from me, but then again how many men have been charged with rape, having never touched the accuser? I live in the very town that a woman made such accusations that made world news, only to learn she made it up. So I am afraid my "doing the right thing" may end up destroying MY life due to retaliation.
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Mysusnshine1 View Post
This hits so very close to home.
Everything your wife is doing I am 100% guilty of.
I am so early in my recovery I don't even feel like I can give you advice to help you as I would be a hypocrite. My husband did go with me to my first AA meeting last week and there we learned that there is a family support group for love ones and friends of alcoholics. Is it possible that there is the same group in your area you could go to for advice?
I hope you find support for you, your wife and son.
***HUGS***
Well Sunshine, you are a bit farther along than me, so congrats on that

I wish you the best and thank you for the kind words. I will definitely check out what other options I have as you suggested. I know al-anon exists, but not sure how specific the groups get. Will see - -
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Mags1 View Post
Hi TheBob1, I was just like your wife except I didn't have any children. I came from a family where my dad drank, a lot, then he got nasty with my mum and all the time we had to stay in our rooms and pray he wouldn't kill her.

I've stopped, thank goodness, with a lot of hard work and this forum but reading the experiences on here I think you have to take care of you and your son. Focus on yourselves, not your wife.

I'm unsure how you do this and wish I'd known when I was young but you will learn a lot from this forum and help for families of alcoholics.

I know one thing, though, she won't stop until she wants to, nothing can make One stop until that person really wants it.
That seems to be the going wisdom here. Not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. Going one more step, do I try to influence her desire to change - for our marriage, for our son, for her health?
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:29 PM
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First off you have "diagnosed" her alcoholic. I don't think you can do that. Certainly it sounds like she has a drinking problem. But people that are not drinking view drinking in different ways.

Regardless, can you convince her to go to counseling with you. I think that is your starting point.
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Flynbuy View Post
How was the meeting last night???

Your wife has a disease if she is indeed an alcoholic. You cannot cure her just as you could not cure her of cancer.

But, you can seek understanding and help for you and your son. This help may lead to her seeking a solution as well.

You do not have to witness her implosion. That is her choice.

Keep coming back
Sadly I missed it - "domestic matters" distracted me. Thx for asking and your kind support
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl View Post
Then perhaps the first course of action can be seeing a lawyer and determining what your legal options are.
At the top of my "Don't want-to but got-to" To-Do list!
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Old 05-05-2015, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by KissMyTiara View Post
First off you have "diagnosed" her alcoholic. I don't think you can do that. Certainly it sounds like she has a drinking problem. But people that are not drinking view drinking in different ways.

Regardless, can you convince her to go to counseling with you. I think that is your starting point.
Indeed. I think the implied threats form her do warrant a legal discussion as well. Part of my "diagnosis" comes from her taking incredibly rash actions whenever I hit on a nerve involving the drinking. That and the hiding it... We used to consume alcohol together - wine, cocktails, socially and yeah, sometimes get blotto when we were younger and not parents. I do still "consume" when I want, but in pretty strict moderation. ANyway, your pont is well taken.

PS (and I am not being sarcastic here) - How does one obtain a valid diagnosis of alcoholism?
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Old 05-05-2015, 03:16 PM
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I think you are absolutely right to be concerned the way you are. I didn't start heavy drinking until my early 30s and it snuck up on me like it has your wife. I drank at night after working full time plus OT and taking care of all my household responsibilities. Once in a while my husband would comment I drank too often but it was a source of pride that he couldn't point out anything that was amiss because of it.
He never really confronted me and demand I cut back or quit. If he had I would have gone into full blown defense mode. I knew I was drinking too much but I didn't realize what was happening to me. It was as if I was hypnotized and all I knew was that I had to keep my right to drink no matter what. I snapped out of it but there is no telling when that will be for her. I agree that you need to take care of her son and her husband. Maybe that will wake her up and maybe it won't. Doing nothing is too risky.
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Old 05-05-2015, 03:37 PM
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I already posted in your other thread, I again wish you well and urge you to seek help for yourself and your son. Al Anon meetings, and Al A Teen are a good place to start. You have no idea the monster you are up against.

And, please, click the link that Scott has posted for you. The "Friends & Family of Alcoholics" section has many people who have gone through the same thing and will talk to you. If you read the threads called "Sticky" at the top of the page after you click this link, you'll find lots of resources to help you.

Good luck - here's that link again:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You'll see 15 or so threads that start with "Sticky" - read those to start.
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