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Alcoholic Wife - Plunge to A-ism so slow, it took a while to realize!

Old 05-05-2015, 04:00 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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If you believe that your wife will state abuse or rape if you expose her problem, you need legal help quickly. Why would you want to live in a situation where your wife is threatening criminal charges against you? I hope that you take care of your son.
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Old 05-05-2015, 04:45 PM
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You're in my prayers during this difficult time.. I've had experience with Ambien and when you mix it with booze its makes people crazy.. Never heard of the other medication.. Look it up.. Thinking of you and your son.. Wishing you the best..
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Old 05-05-2015, 05:31 PM
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I would highly recommend going to ALANON. For sure you are not going to fix your wife only she can do that but you can learn coping skills. You will learn about codependency, detachment, enabling, and support.


In the final analysis if she is an alcoholic she will only get worse. She may decide she has a problem or not.

There is a ton of material written about having an addict in your life. Before I would make any major decisions I would learn everything I could about the disease of alcoholism.
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Old 05-05-2015, 11:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
If you believe that your wife will state abuse or rape if you expose her problem, you need legal help quickly. Why would you want to live in a situation where your wife is threatening criminal charges against you? I hope that you take care of your son.
Thank you for insight. Like everything in my situation, it is more subtle than outright charges (she says 'abuse'), but she has definitely hinted at it. After being here only a couple days, I agree that in addition to counseling, legal advice for me and my son is needed.

Of course this begs the question: How can I live with someone who would even SUGGEST they would do that to me?
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Old 05-05-2015, 11:32 PM
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Originally Posted by silentrun View Post
... I knew I was drinking too much but I didn't realize what was happening to me. It was as if I was hypnotized and all I knew was that I had to keep my right to drink no matter what. I snapped out of it but there is no telling when that will be for her. Maybe that will wake her up and maybe it won't. Doing nothing is too risky.
Many thanks for your honesty and 'inside' look at this. My wife has been a "drinker" since very young - probably before 18 (spent a lot of time in Europe). I think the heavy stuff started after a couple surgeries with lots of pain, long recovery, and MUCH frustration (for both of us really - she could not walk or even drive for about 2 months each time). Then drinking became less of an enjoyable thing and more for "self-medication".

Your post has given me hope though. Maybe you have the magic key? May I ask what it was that made you snap out of it, or did you just one day "come to your senses"?

Thanks-
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Old 05-05-2015, 11:40 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
If you believe that your wife will state abuse or rape if you expose her problem, you need legal help quickly. Why would you want to live in a situation where your wife is threatening criminal charges against you? I hope that you take care of your son.
I know I clicked the thank you tab, but felt the need to add a personal and heartfelt THANK YOU, Anna.

Hard to describe the sense of relief in finding so much support and kindness here. No ploy for sympathy here, but with family all gone and having lost or lost touch with closest/oldest friends, I had all but forgotten how much a person needs others to "have your back". My sense of gratitude and relief is almost overwhelming.
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Old 05-06-2015, 05:48 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Hi Bob:

I'm sorry that you are in this tough situation. I don't want to scare you, but I have seen women do this before to get back at their partner. I will suggest to you to record her while she is spitting all these nasty things. If you have a smart phone you can do it easily. It might be sneaky but these threats are no joke. You need to protect yourself. You also need to share this with someone you trust so that they can vouch for you in the future. Active alcoholics have a very volatile temper and they were do things without thinking even if it hurts her own son. I am glad you found us and I hope that you have the strength to go through this situation.
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Old 05-06-2015, 05:57 AM
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Bob - I just have to ask as you've stated you drink as well - have you removed alcohol from your side of the equation at this point??

The reality is we don't know why some may drink in normal manner for a lifetime while others cross over into alcoholism. Regardless, in your situation - are you mitigating the exposure of alcohol in the household by not drinking yourself???

I will reiterate about Al-anon and/or Alateen meetings.
If you proceed in a legal manner this show of good faith will be substantive as well as supportive for you and your son.
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Old 05-06-2015, 06:16 AM
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My descent into alcoholism was quite similar to your wife's experience. It took several serious conversations initiated by my husband while I was sober where he stated his complete fear and concern that this disease had me and it was only a matter of time before some type of catastrophic consequence of my drinking occurred. I wasn't some drunk slurring and stumbling around the house. I had a great job, two daughters, an immaculate house, etc., but it was the steady chipping away of my integrity and dignity that was so upsetting to my husband. As we all know, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it was only going to get worse if I didn't get it under control (complete abstinence). I always say this, but these words stuck. High functioning isn't a TYPE of alcoholism, it is a STAGE of alcoholism. It's chronic, progressive and fatal.

My husband wasn't mean or accusatory, he offered to help me anyway possible. He was never much of a drinker, but he completely abstained and I didn't think that would matter, but it helped immensely. Believe me I grew up in Virginia, alcohol is very much a part of daily life for many there as in other states, but with all the wineries it almost seemed more celebrated than out here in the west where I live now. I haven't drank in over four years and I love my life so much more today. I'm certain your wife is hating living the way she is with the sneaking, procuring, planning, etc. that goes in to drinking daily. It's exhausting and I was miserable doing it and I'm so glad that is no longer how I live.
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Old 05-06-2015, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Flynbuy View Post
Bob - I just have to ask as you've stated you drink as well - have you removed alcohol from your side of the equation at this point??

The reality is we don't know why some may drink in normal manner for a lifetime while others cross over into alcoholism. Regardless, in your situation - are you mitigating the exposure of alcohol in the household by not drinking yourself???

I will reiterate about Al-anon and/or Alateen meetings.
If you proceed in a legal manner this show of good faith will be substantive as well as supportive for you and your son.
I take that to mean 'have I completely eliminated alcohol from my diet?'. No, as I have felt that using alcohol "normally" is, well, normal. Removing every sign of it from the home seems counter-intuitve, as my theory is that if you are going to "fix" your problem, you can't blame the presence of a substance for its use. Okay, that being said, I have no problem not drinking at all. It would be like saying "no more pizza". I might miss it once in a while but it won't affect my life one way or another.

I have, many times, thought of clearing out the liquor cabinet to completely empty. Always end up keeping stuff there for company. OKay, is there a consensus here that I should get rid of the stuff and not touch a drop - at least till this resolves one way or another?
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Old 05-06-2015, 07:31 AM
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I'm a wife who snuck drinks from husband. It's started as normal drinking but it is progressive!!! When my husband confronted me about it I did the same thing. I tried to turn the tables around and make it seem like it was his fault. It's just a true sign of alcoholism. I had to get real with myself and wake up! I'm so sorry you are dealing with that. For my situation my husband never knew just how many drinks I hid. This disease makes you do crazy things to keep thinking you are in control. I pray she wakes up also and strength for you!
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Old 05-06-2015, 07:32 AM
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Originally Posted by TheBob1 View Post
is there a consensus here that I should get rid of the stuff and not touch a drop - at least till this resolves one way or another?
Speaking as an alcoholic, that would not stop me from drinking in the slightest. I always had my beer "hidden" in strategic locations ( garage, trunk of the car, out in the boat in the back yard, etc ).

Having said that, removing alcohol from your home and not consuming it yourself would give your son a pretty clear message that it's not a good thing and you don't approve of it.

It could also make your wife even more resentful of you and escalate the situation even more.

Did you post the same question over in Friends and Family? You might get some more responses there or even meet some people who have tried it.
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Old 05-06-2015, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Soberween View Post
My descent into alcoholism was quite similar to your wife's experience. I wasn't some drunk slurring and stumbling around the house... but it was the steady chipping away of my integrity and dignity that was so upsetting to my husband. As we all know, alcoholism is a progressive disease and it was only going to get worse if I didn't get it under control (complete abstinence). I always say this, but these words stuck. High functioning isn't a TYPE of alcoholism, it is a STAGE of alcoholism. It's chronic, progressive and fatal.

My husband wasn't mean or accusatory, he offered to help me anyway possible. He was never much of a drinker, but he completely abstained and I didn't think that would matter, but it helped immensely... I'm certain your wife is hating living the way she is with the sneaking, procuring, planning, etc. that goes in to drinking daily. It's exhausting and I was miserable doing it and I'm so glad that is no longer how I live.
Thanks so much for the personal insight and encouragement. I am sad to admit that I have not been very "understanding", especially after finding the sneaking and seeing it go on and on and on... When she lashes out at me in personal and degrading ways, I have shot back with phrases that essentially communicate, "Oh yeah? Well you're a damn drunk!". This in the heat of intense verbal battles than I admittedly get drawn into all too easily. Now, b/c of all that's happened and been said, I can't even raise the topic w/o starting a fight - although I will try today, in part doing my best to emulate your husband's approach.

If I may be so bold: I hope you appreciate how your husband handled it with you and for you. Better man that I, in that regard. Don't let him go - he is stronger than me and many I know insofar as patience and understanding. I'm happy for you and your example as a couple and your recovery is an inspiration. I only hope things can work out for me even a fraction as well as they appear to have worked out for you.

Stay strong and never hesitate to congratulate yourself And thank you!
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Old 05-06-2015, 07:44 AM
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Drunks love a good debate which is surely not my intention with suggestion of removing alcohol from the home for now to start such on SR.

If your wife has the means and opportunity she will drink regardless of what you do with the booze. I have a tendency to think litigiously at times as well as for the "good" of all.

It would seem that for the good of your son's environment and for potential legal debates that you removing alcohol as a stop gap measure/trying to improve the family unit might be beneficial.

Bob, you have a lot on your plate and I will exit this here. I have tossed out from my heart what I would do, perhaps. I feel for all parties in this - especially your boy.

In a few weeks I will be 1 year sober - I did not hit a harsh bottom but prayed for release from God. Soon into sobriety He removed my obsession to drink and it has not returned. I drank for over 30 years. This made all the difference in the world in my case for myself and family.

I hope you find some peace
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Old 05-06-2015, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Flynbuy View Post
Drunks love a good debate which is surely not my intention with suggestion of removing alcohol from the home for now to start such on SR.

If your wife has the means and opportunity she will drink regardless of what you do with the booze. I have a tendency to think litigiously at times as well as for the "good" of all.

It would seem that for the good of your son's environment and for potential legal debates that you removing alcohol as a stop gap measure/trying to improve the family unit might be beneficial.

Bob, you have a lot on your plate and I will exit this here. I have tossed out from my heart what I would do, perhaps. I feel for all parties in this - especially your boy.

In a few weeks I will be 1 year sober - I did not hit a harsh bottom but prayed for release from God. Soon into sobriety He removed my obsession to drink and it has not returned. I drank for over 30 years. This made all the difference in the world in my case for myself and family.

I hope you find some peace
fly
Fly - Your words exude wisdom, pls don't thin k I was unappreciative or felt contentious. In fact they, and your add'l explanation above have convinced me that your wisdom-based advice is not only worth consideration but probably the best. Indeed I am concerned about legal perspective going fwd., as much as I deplore the idea, but surely being able to say a) NO! I do not drink, and YES, all alcohol is removed from the home, as far as I can tell (with one exception: Did I mention we have a nice wine "cellar" (shelved closet in the basement). Talk about complicating factor!!

Thanks again 'fly'. Please stay on touch if you like. Your input is quite helpful. Also, congrats on your own success. God has blessed you, but give yourself a pat on the back too.

Finest Regards,

Bob
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