More relapses then I can count.
 

I'm 28 years old and I first started legitimately trying to get sober when I was 21 and my life was already falling apart. I had no more excuses left, it was clear to me that I couldn't control my drinking and something was seriously wrong. I couldn't stay away from it, it consumed my thoughts, my being, my life. It was my only hobby. I self medicated every emotion from Joy to Depression to Anxiety to Loneliness and alcohol was truly my best friend. I drank alone, I drank in secret, when I drank I became a different, scary person. I would risk my life again and again and put myself in dangerous positions. Things were getting real. So I started using SR and I eventually started attending AA meetings.

7 years later and I'm still relapsing all over the place. Why? My brain switches on me. Very frequently. I'm hoping I can find some understanding here because people in AA always tell me "just surrender" and "stop fighting it" and "lean on god" etc. etc... and I see these sober alcoholics and I believe they are telling me the truth, and I really honestly try. I've worked the steps numerous times, and been so brutally honest with my step 4/5 that I can't believe I even was. I've never completed the steps though because I've always relapsed before I've made it through all of my amends.

I've gotten to the point where I KNEW to my very core that I was done drinking. I had surrendered, I wanted sobriety more than anything. In that moment I would have done anything asked of me. But the problem is - that moment passed and new moments arrived and my brain started thinking differently. The old thoughts and romanticizing of the bottle start occurring. I can shut them out for a while, but over time they become stronger. The less attractive AA and sobriety starts looking. And I change my mind. Simple as that, I decide I want to drink. And sure, at that point I can pick up the phone, call people, pray, whatever (and I have done all these things) but the fact is if I WANT to drink, nothing is really gonna get in my way.

And needless to say, it never goes well, bad sh*t happens, and I come out the other side with a desperation to stay sober, whatever it takes. On, and on, and on, and on.

So I've been stuck in this back & forth for 7 years now. It's embarrassing - not progressing in the program It's embarrassing, putting my hand up as a newcomer over and over again. It isn't "fun". There is alot of shame I feel for not succeeding. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy - it's a terrible cycle to be caught in.

The fact is - I can't trust my brain. My brain just flips switch on me. How can a person want something so badly one day and completely discard that thing for something new the next day?

I'm a pretty smart girl and I've been successful in many areas of my life, stubborn even, and I achieve many of my goals with hard work and persistence, but I just can't kick this drinking thing.

Sometimes I feel like I have split personality. Like there's this evil version of myself inside. And real me can want to be sober all she wants but when evil version takes the wheel I'm done for.

Please be mindful when you reply that I am extremely hard on myself internally, consumed with shame and guilt and a sense of failure. I don't mind good solid answers but I also don't need to be lectured. I'm plenty good at lecturing myself 24/7.

Any advice or experience from people who have felt this and made it through to the other side? What eventually changed for you?

This has been the biggest struggle and challenge of my life and I really want to get better. I really, really do.

Hi, Mrrryah! Just a thought, but if AA doesn't seem to be working for you maybe it's time to look into other methods? AVRT, SMART, SoberLife?

I'm being mindful here but have you read Rational Recovery? It's about that voice that you seem to be recognising and I think it could really help. I'm not saying that it's the right way for you, but personally, I have explored AA, smart, RR...I do as much as I can so you never know what will work for you!

I gave up drugs using NA but drinking has been an entirely different situation. A 12 step programme worked well for me a couple of years ago giving up the drugs, but for some reason it didn't stick when it came to drinking.

Don't be hard on yourself and know that something will work and WILL click for you. It will. I have drunk for well over 10 years (I'm 27 years old) and I attend AA, I have abstained and got good information from it, but RR for me, has worked wonders. It might not be for you, but if you keep exploring and trying, you will find your recovery. Don't ever give up. You are here and you have support :-)

Getting a little bit of sober time under the belt helped me as far as momentum to keep it going. I also educated myself a bit on how addiction actually works in the brain. I wanted to be able to arm myself with the knowledge of why my brain switches and turns on me (as you've mentioned) to entice me to drink again. Many will say that knowledge and education did very little for them. But some of us actually are helped by it. I was one of those people. I attended a lecture presented by a neuroscientist on addiction. I also attended IOP for twenty days. The groups support there helped me as well. I'm stubborn like you mentioned that you are, so I also chalk up part of my success early on to sheer determination :)

SR of course has been immeasurably helpful.

Dee always talks about building up your "sober muscles." and I've found this to be quite an appropriate metaphor to hold onto. The longer I've been sober, truly, the better it's been across the board. The brain begins to heal and there are some amazing insights and clarity gained. It makes it actually hard and unrewarding to imagine going back to drinking.

Keep finding what's going to personally motivate you to succeed. You can do it :)

I am so new to this, but what struck me was the split personality thing...have you tried googleing AVRT and Rational Recovery?

I really appreciate the suggestions guys. I've heard about rational recovery but I've never actually looked into it. Is there a book I need to buy? Or how do I get started with it?

It definitely couldn't hurt to try something new. Worst that can happen is I find out it's not for me.

I bought Rational Recovery by Jack Temerley (the spelling is probably wrong)! It's brilliant and I really recommend it.

Rational Recovery is a book that explains AVRT. It really helped me, especially in those first few weeks.

Yeah, never hurts to look around a bit. Find something that resonates with you.

It's on Amazon as "Rational Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction"

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

Hi, Mrrryah; there is a link to check-out here on SR.

Also, if you Google Rational recovery or AVRT, you will find a site where you can buy the Rational Recovery book. If you Google AVRT worksheets, you will find a site which provides those.

Sending love, Mrrryah.

M, there is lots of info on AVRT in the Secular Connection Forum. Just take a look at the Stickies at the top of the page:

Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I'm sorry that you're feeling down and tired. The cycle of alcoholism is demoralizing in every way. I truly hope you can find your way to sobriety. I agree that it's probably a good idea for you to change your plan or add something to it.

Have you seen a therapist? You mention depression and anxiety, I know anxiety and self medication very well. Perhaps digging a little deeper in to what is causing those problems for you could help get you back on "level" so you can deal with the alcoholism more effectively?

Just google AVRT and you'll find all the info you need, or check out the secular forum here for lots of folks who practice it.

Also, regarding AA- did you have a sponsor during your step work?

Just throwing ideas out there...wish you the best of luck in finding a solution.

you can check out the AVRT threads on the secular connections forum farther down.
it's the tool for Rational Recovery.
and apparently there's a crash course that's google-able.

as far as AA...my thinking is that being convinced of step one disallows for the romantic notions.....but maybe we don't all experience it that way.

whatever you do, don't give up!

Hi Mrrryah sorry to hear your still struggling

I mean this kindlly M....have you considered rehab as 7 years is a long time and i know you want to be sober ive seen you happy sober helping people sober

I think rehab is by far the best option

M my sister just completed a 6 month rehab & it has completely changed her life

and you know that evil version you spoke of ? check this link

Cherokee Legend - Two Wolves.

Mrrryah please consider rehab as it might just change everything

Wouldnt that be something :hug:

Remember this reply of yours to an April fools day thread?

I feel that life AND sobriety doesn't have to be all gloom & doom and no play. In my AA group, we have alot of fun joking around about how we "used to be", laughing at ourselves, being playful, sarcastic, whatever. If I had to sit and think about the seriousness of my disease and all the terrible things I did 24 hours a day I'd probably just off myself.

I think this was some light fun! Put a smile on my face this morning. Anyone who was SO CONCERNED or distraught about this brewery opening, that it truly deeply upset them, probably needs to go to CODA or Al-Anon or something, because we all know we can't control what other people do anyways.

Come on people - lighten up!

Lol.

Idk...maybe it's time for ya to start thinking harder about the seriousness of this disease and get even more serious with the footwork. Maybe not lighten up so much?
It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.


And also with me, if I want to drink and that's it, nothing and no one will stop me.
But I have choices today.
And I choose not to drink.I have no desire. The problem has been removed just as the tenth step promises said would happen.

What's your sponsor say?

Hey Mrrryah!!

Don't beat yourself up, for me it took a while to finally crack this Sobriety thing, I went round and round in circles for almost a year, periods of Sobriety and then back to drinking, when I first joined SR I had great intentions, and then I disappeared for a year, so I know the feelings you're experiencing!!

Trying something, anything new was always a good idea when I was trying to make Sobriety stick, I kept telling myself what's the worst that could happen?

You can do this!! :)

I had a friend who wanted me to train him for a marathon...he went out and bought the best watch, the best running shoes, hat, shades, heart rate monitor, etc...but I could NOT get him out the door to run with me...it was too early, or it was too hot, or tonight just wasn't a good time for him...after a few weeks, I explained to him...If you're going to be a runner...you're eventually going to have to run...it's not easy, but it is that simple...

If you're going to quit drinking, you're eventually going to have to stop drinking...it's not easy, but it is that simple...

I sometimes wonder if relapse becomes "the new normal" and in some ways we almost become addicted to the process of relapse itself?

Having spent about ten years from the time I first began to sense there was a problem to the time I finally really, truly, believed and committed myself to changing it - I yo-yo'ed through a lot of various, mostly-secret efforts to moderate or 'take breaks'. So, I know the feeling of futility that comes along with finding oneself right back in the darkness of addiction.

I can't really provide any firsthand experience that maps to yours - but what I can reinforce is that what finally made the difference for me was getting to the point that I was ready to resolve making any and all changes in my life that would support my sobriety. I wove a 'toolkit' of supportive changes, from dropping high-risk activities to staying away from friends and surroundings that I knew would trigger me, to counseling to AA to SR to yoga and exercise and meditation and the steps and journaling and calling a sponsor and getting a second sponsor so I'd have both a local and a remote one.....

Yes, I effectively - bit by bit - changed so much that I almost changed everything. I shifted from "stopping drinking" to "embracing a sober life" and I kept to that focus even on the days it was sad, scary, frustrating, joyous, uncertain, happy or mediocre.....

you can do it.... don't give up.

:ring

Done that about 50 times myself.

I saw a cognitive behavioral therapist and was surprised to find out I had ADD for 48 years and never knew it. Did a bit of research on the symptoms and learned quite a bit about why my brain works the way it does and what I can do to manage it. Also learned that a significant percentage of adults with ADD self-medicate with alcohol. (Which provides immediate relief, but only makes things worse in the long run.)

You might consider looking into it if you haven't already. I was able to adopt some diet and behavior techniques that keep my ADD manageable without meds.

Best of Luck on Your Journey! :ring

I'm quite surprised that my reply to that April fools day thread was of large enough impact to stick with you for this length of time. Am I sending a resentment here? Lol.

That's great for you that you worked the steps and it worked for you. And I honestly believe you. But I'm also being fully honest when I say I worked the steps and that alone has not work for me. Yes I worked with a sponsor, who I spoke with every day, I went to a meeting every day, I read the big book, I called people, I did service work, and I still got to a point where I made the decision to drink. Of course I wish I hadn't. Of course I wish that had not been the case, but that was my experience.

Please try and keep an open mind that for some people "aa is not the be-all end all" and sometimes outside help/other help is required. I believe that was actually the daily reflection not long ago. Spoken by the program itself.