I'm upset with me

Old 05-04-2015, 07:24 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I agree with HeartsAfire, your patterns are extremely predictable. Even the way you talk in this thread, this manipulative, seemingly agreeable style responding to people, playing "poor me, don't judge me". I'm inclined to think that part of the reason you don't want to do anything effective about your drinking and get better is a fear that you might lose the attention people give you. That is what you are probably scared of more than anything else. But you will eventually lose it, Jeremy, when you die of this.
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Old 05-04-2015, 07:28 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
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So many people here are getting and staying sober, and realizing their dreams of a better life. Why aren't you?
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Old 05-04-2015, 07:49 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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just stop it, right in its tracks, right now.

you know you need inpatient. if you wanted to quit you would have found a way by now.

the only question left really is, do or die? it's going to be out of your hands if you continue down this road.

get help, now, today. don't go to AA then come on here saying how it's ok, but maybe not for you.

just do it. time to **** or get off the pot.
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Old 05-04-2015, 08:03 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
My brain is trying to kill me
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This morning I'm going to keep it simple.

You gotta want it

Drinking is no longer an option

Make these statements an affirmation, a mantra; live by them. Easier said than done, but lots of us have done it. You are not different; you CAN DO IT also.
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Old 05-04-2015, 08:05 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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For me it was all about the actions Jeremy, the moment I stopped talking about it and did something, no matter how small, things fell into place.

Decisions and being pro active on who to hang out with and what activities to get involved with were key, your decision the other night not to go to Vegas was an awesome decision, but hanging out with this friend was not a good idea.

Consistency in decision making is essential in making Sobriety happen, people going to bars, hanging out with old drinking buddies, having alcohol in their house, not talking to their partners or friends that they are now not drinking, but then expect to revolutionise their lifestyle away from drinking? instead we gotta go at it proactively and make it happen!!

You can do it too Jeremy!!
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Old 05-04-2015, 09:31 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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I apologize in advance for being harsh, but a wealth of help and support have left you without your daughter, restricted freedom, and at the mercy of the legal system after more than a year of playing around with recovery and with the people on SR. Better from me than the legal system or Child Protective Services.

I honestly no longer know what to say to you, Jeremy, and I haven't known for a long time. So I don't respond to your comments. The little bit of good will that you somehow didn't trample over inside of me was strong enough to respond to your most recent incident self-inflicted misery.

You've admitted on more than one occasion that you lie about what it is you're doing to support your recovery (and other things), so it's difficult to know what's real and what isn't real with you. It's as though you want us to experience what you describe as your reality -- never knowing what's delusional and what is not. And, as has become apparent, for some of us it's painfully obvious when you're saying what you believe people want to read, rather than being truthful. When your lifestyle and choices are killing you, "at least you were honest" doesn't cut it.

None of us can help someone who routinely lies to himself, and who thinks it's okay to lie to other people because he's an addict or because he carries a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and that that's what such people do. You haven't seemed to grasp that holding honesty in such low regard is a major part of the problem, to say nothing of the good will that you carelessly and routinely destroy in the process.

In all the time you've been here, other people have put more work into your recovery than you have. We shouldn't be working so hard while you predictably maneuver and manipulate with your words, implementing damage control for whatever you imagine your reputation is here, but you leave us very few choices. It's either continued support with withering hope that things will change, or walking away from you and the considerable mess you've created.

We've been through all of this countless times, about rehab and treatment in general. You either have Medicaid or you're eligible for it, even if you're getting paid. It's free up to about 16K, and then comes at a very low price with subsidies after that. Why do I know this and you don't? This has nothing to do with my recovery and everything to do with yours. There are several inpatient rehabs in Nevada who accept Medicaid and, again, you should have done the work to find this out, or be honest that you have done the work, and that you know this but aren't following up with it. Again, why do I know this and you don't?

Medicaid Drug Rehab in Nevada

None of us has unlimited time and resources to help and support you, particularly when you won't help yourself. Your most recent treatment came not by choice, but by legal mandate. Left to your own devices, things only get dramatically worse. If you want to be responsible, then you need to start taking seriously your own health and well-being. We can't do that for you and, personally, I stopped responding to your excuses about why you refuse to get the help that you need some time ago. This has gone on for far too long, and the heartbreaking and devastating destruction you've left in your wake has not been enough for you to do what's necessary to get sober. What's it gonna take?

See you on the other side.
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Old 05-04-2015, 12:38 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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jeremy, in your post Sober! from yesterday, you were talking about not drinking but that you had already "had a little slip and gambled" - this was after restating ALL that is at risk if you keep on messing up.

sometimes it sounds like you think this is all just a game....and that you feel you are so unique and so different, that the regular rules don't apply.


how did you end up gambling yesterday?
how did you end up drunk yesterday?

these things did not happen TO YOU, you allowed or encouraged them to happen. you keep saying you wish you knew the secret.

quit playing games. quit playing around. quit the excuse making and the woe is me, get off your BUTT and do WHATEVER IT TAKES to secure long term sobriety. change your playmates, playgrounds and playthings. don't invite drinking buddies over, i mean seriously....that was just a stupid call - but you knew EXACTLY what you were doing.

stay out of gambling halls or casinos, or online sites. stay out of bars. do not allow ANY alcohol or drugs into your home. stay on task, don't get four days sober and then start posting culinary threads....hone your sober focus like a laser. one mission, one task. PERIOD.
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Old 05-04-2015, 02:27 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Hi TDG, I haven't been around this site as long as others, but there are some VERY well thought out and logical comments in this thread. It sounds as some people feel that maybe they have been betrayed a little in the past and yet have even done some of the legwork for you. I think that's pretty darn good for an internet forum. Anyway, I do recall reading that you were really dancing with the devil regarding your future awhile back. It sounded like you were at defcon 5 with your family, the courts, your physical and mental health, you name it. I sincerely hope you are able to get what it is you need figured out. It would be a shame for such an intelligent person like yourself to end up incarcerated for a lengthy period of time. All I can say is I wish you best, I could not even come close to offering the quality of advice others have provided you in this thread.
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Old 05-04-2015, 02:53 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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TDG - my old man would drop a few nuggets of wisdom my way growing up, and I like to pass them along when the time is right. One of his best ones was "can't never did s***". Sure, he might not have been as polished as Aristotle, but he still had a point. If you are facing a serious challenge in life, a "can't" attitude invariably leads to abject failure. Seriously, if you don't have faith in yourself what do you think is going to happen? As alcoholics / addicts we constantly get bombarded with these mind numbing stats that 85% of XYZ fail after 6 months, 90% of ABC fail after Y years, blah, blah, blah. All of that could just be summed up with a slide that says "YOU ARE ******!" in 30 point font, block letters. If you go in already expecting to fail then how are you going to survive the initiation talk about the dismal success rates? It is hard enough to shake that stuff off when you come in like John Rambo ready to prove to the whole world that their stats don't mean ****.

Come on man. Snap out of it. Enough of this I can't do it ****! You sure as hell can do it! The question is how bad do you want to do it? Some of the other posters have even implied that they knew the relapse was coming, and you just nodded in agreement like it was inevitable. Didn't it **** you off to hear that? Don't you want to prove them wrong? I am not saying to start blowing up at folks on here. Use that anger to get pissed off at the booze. If you ignore the advice to go to rehab (implying that you can quit without it) then prove everybody wrong by staying sober. That hasn't worked out thus far, but it isn't like rehab is a magic bullet either. If someone goes to rehab and half asses it then it is going to be a waste of time anyway.

For what it is worth I went years thinking that quitting was completely impossible. I don't mean that I thought it was going to be real hard, and that I wasn't sure if I could make it. This was a 0.0000% impossible. It went something along the lines of "I have used so much for so long that there is no way my brain will ever recover from this...I am going to use everyday for the rest of my life (i.e. I am a 'lifer') and I have come to the point of acceptance of this fact...hey, it isn't so bad, I just better kick serious ass at work so I never run out of money to keep up my supply...if I really get in a bind I'll just off myself" That ****** attitude kept me actively using for years when I could have at least made some serious attempts at it.

I know you have some legit medical issues going on. It isn't like schizophrenia is one of those things that you can just walk off or something. The thing is that there is always someone else that went through a worst situation somewhere. It can turn into the ultimate pissing contest if you look for reasons that you can't do it. I am sure there is somebody out there that cold turkeyed a 30-year booze / benzo / heroin / methadone habit while climbing Mt. Everest in a wheelchair with only a T-shirt and gym shorts (no oxygen tank of course). I am not at all trying to poke fun at your problems, because they are real issues. You are under legit stress, but most of the other folks that are trying to quit have baggage too. Drinking is just going to make it worst regardless of what the baseline is.

As far as being crazy goes I had to chuckle when I read that. Have you read the other threads on here? I think SR would suck if they had a sanity for a membership requirement. It would be so boring.
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Old 05-04-2015, 04:19 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Hi Jeremy - I can only imagine that you must feel that the SR folks are out with guns a'blazin' in your direction. I think they've said it all, but I just want to leave you with an encouragement on how to take this stuff. You are hearing from real people who have gone through their own hellish nightmares, and this straight talk is the nitty-gritty, real-deal of sobriety where the rubber hits the road. These are the people on the sobriety path who have been there, done that and have the war wounds to show it. This is life-saving business, and there's some incredibly powerful stuff being shared here - for you, for me and for all of us. Accept the help and advice that is being offered to you and go for inpatient treatment today.
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Old 05-04-2015, 04:41 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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I had to break contact with all using friends, though love them I do. I now come first.

I'm plugged into AA. For me, it is the only thing that has been effective.

In and out of AA 15 years (day 17) What is going to be different this time? Full-on honesty. no more using friends. This black-out drinker and driver will not be hurting anyone in my car today as a result of drinking...(today)
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Old 05-04-2015, 05:44 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
voices ca**y
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I'm sorry you can't seem to get your kite in the air Jeremy. The cycle ends when you say it does. It doesn't have to be this endless loop but you have to be the one to call it.
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Old 05-04-2015, 07:20 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Hey Jeremy. You can do this if you really want it. I'm praying for you. I know you feel like you're in hell. I've been there. There IS a way out. (((Hug)))
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Old 05-04-2015, 11:44 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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Jeremy, I'm sending you positive thoughts and good wishes. It is hard, that is for sure. However, I'm constantly inspired by the stories of recovery and renewal that I read here and that others have personally shared with me, especially after I've gone more public with my sobriety with those around me. 6 months of treatment would give me pause too, I suppose. But just imagine what 6 months could do for the rest of your lives.

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Old 05-05-2015, 05:08 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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How ya doing today friend?

Praying for u.
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Old 05-05-2015, 06:37 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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I don't usually post or respond to your threads because it's always the same chest beating mea culpa, mea culpa and then you get an outpouring of support and great suggestions but never follow it.

What drove me this time is that I feel sorry for your wife. She has 70 days in. Your continued drinking and hand wringing and gnashing of teeth and then continuing to drink is jeopardizing HER sobriety. Inviting someone over knowing that they would drink despite her saying "bad idea" is pretty much saying screw you. I got and stayed sober while my husband has cycled through two relapses. He's a lot like you. Professing and promising that he'll quit but it's all pretty words with absolutely no action. He knows what to do. He just doesn't want to do the hard work.

Do the six months. You've wasted TWO YEARS on here and are still drinking. Six months is a pittance compared to the rest of your life. Do the six months now because otherwise in six months from now you're still going to be here, posting away. I'm sorry I let you all down. I messed up. My wife's doing great because she got the "secret". There is no secret. Don't drink. No matter what. Oops. I just told you the big secret.

Eventually, if your wife doesn't relapse due to the stress of dealing with you she is probably going to walk. I'm getting close to that myself. Then where will you be?
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Old 05-05-2015, 06:43 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy View Post
it is a cycle its sick pathetic cycle. I don't know, I can't do inpatient insurance won't cover it, but will report to outpatient today and ask for advice.
Please correct me if I'm wrong, but someone on one of your previous posts gave you a name and number to call for inpatient treatment at no cost And I don't think it was the Salvation Army.. John
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