Blogs


Notices

Conflict!!! Need tips...

Old 05-03-2015, 12:12 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Conflict!!! Need tips...

I've realized lately that my biggest trigger to drink is conflict of ANY kind. I know it's impossible to always avoid, but do you guys have any tips on how to handle it? My blood pressure skyrockets and I go into fight or flight mode instantly. (Learned it during my childhood)

I was yelled at by a complete stranger yesterday (long story) and the first thing I wanted to do was drink!!! :-(

Thanks in advance.
Serenidad is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Serenidad For This Useful Post:
saoutchik (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 12:16 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
biminiblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 23,643
If it's that bad, I would suggest therapy, Serenidad.

There is no way to avoid conflict other than to walk away, and not engage with the other person. You cannot stop strangers from lashing out but you can see it for what it is - someone who doesn't really affect your life other than at that one moment. If it's a stranger, why was he mad anyway? It's his problem.

Managing your fear is an inside job. I would suggest talking to a professional counselor.
biminiblue is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to biminiblue For This Useful Post:
ArtFriend (05-03-2015), EndGameNYC (05-03-2015), least (05-03-2015), mnjen (05-03-2015), Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 12:21 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Marchia in Aeternum
 
trachemys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 10,894
Therapy is one option. Training yourself is another.

Reactions can be chosen. Bimini nailed it right there:

There is no way to avoid conflict other than to walk away, and not engage with the other person. You cannot stop strangers from lashing out but you can see it for what it is - someone who doesn't really affect your life other than at that one moment. If it's a stranger, why was he mad anyway? It's his problem.
trachemys is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to trachemys For This Useful Post:
mnjen (05-03-2015), Notimetoloose (05-03-2015), Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 12:33 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
PurpleKnight's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,827
The trick is to pick your battles, a stranger saying something to me has no meaning, I can walk away and forget all about them, I don't have to respond or give them any of my time.

When it comes to people closer to home, sure we can't ignore them but again we can choose when to respond and when to let things slide, developing patience and self control are key I think.
PurpleKnight is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to PurpleKnight For This Useful Post:
Fly N Buy (05-03-2015), mnjen (05-03-2015), Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 12:58 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
voices ca**y
 
silentrun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,120
Blog Entries: 1
That reminded me of this awesome comedy routine by Louis CK
Getting into Arguments - Video Clip | Comedy Central
silentrun is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to silentrun For This Useful Post:
Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 01:43 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
During my drinking period my emotions ran wild and I was quite undisciplined in how to act and react in many situations. I learned to not react by drinking the anger away but react in a healthy manner instead. Part of this was to not be so sensitive and I wasn’t that important as to what people thought. This growing process is not a flip of a switch and need time to acquire and time to become an automatic response but it works by following the program.

BE WELL
IOAA2 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to IOAA2 For This Useful Post:
DreaJean (05-03-2015), Fly N Buy (05-03-2015), Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 01:58 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
saoutchik
 
saoutchik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 15,188
I'm a salesman and am (sort of) used to being treated like a piece of s***. I notice that I am more aware of it sober than I was when I was hungover. I now don't waste a millisecond even thinking about someone who is ignorant. I just dismiss them from my thoughts
saoutchik is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to saoutchik For This Useful Post:
DreaJean (05-03-2015), Fly N Buy (05-03-2015), least (05-03-2015), Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 02:05 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 202,392
Blog Entries: 1
There's some excellent advice here Serenidad. You can't avoid conflict - that what we tried to do for years as drinkers.

We can change our reactions to it tho. I used to be almost physically sick with conflict but over time, I've gotten better - it's not my favourite thing, still, but I can take it in my stride now.

I guess the change for me was trying hard to see things in perspective - how important is this this conflict? am I right? if so, can I resolve it without losing my self respect or my beliefs?

If you can't then it's best to walk away - go for a run or a bike ride or something - exercise really helps me calm down.

It's just another life skill to learn. If it really freaks you out tho, I agree that counselling could help.

The one thing that definitely won;t help is booze. You may *feel* like a drink but you don't need to act on it

D
Dee74 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
AnvilheadII (05-03-2015), EndGameNYC (05-03-2015), Fly N Buy (05-03-2015), least (05-03-2015), Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 03:10 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,590
commit DAILY to the code that DRINKING IS NOT AN OPTION. period. EVER. under no circumstances and not for any reason.

then review your own behaviors - it would be a rare thing for a complete stranger to come up and start yelling at you - unless they are mentally unbalanced - like the guy I saw one day in an argument with a dumpster. we often have to learn new skills rather than resort to old FOO survival tactics. aka Fight or Flight.

I too hate conflict.....but I learned over time there are varying degrees of conflict.....some times we need to confront others to stand up for ourselves, other times we get hot headed and engage. we can do NOTHING about the other person, we can only control our own actions.

it does always come back to us.

god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
AnvilheadII is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to AnvilheadII For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (05-03-2015), Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 03:15 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 95,341
Blog Entries: 32
The serenity prayer does it for me. Lots of wisdom in those few words.
least is online now  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to least For This Useful Post:
Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 05:40 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
saoutchik
 
saoutchik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 15,188
You can do it Serenidad
saoutchik is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to saoutchik For This Useful Post:
Serenidad (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 07:00 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by silentrun View Post
That reminded me of this awesome comedy routine by Louis CK Getting into Arguments - Video Clip | Comedy Central
That's hilarious!!! Thanks for making me laugh!!! And thanks to everyone for your advice! :-)
Serenidad is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:41 PM.