how do I cut ties with my dysfunctional family
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
how do I cut ties with my dysfunctional family
So I had my nephew over for a sleepover with my daughter. My sister and father show up ( with a beer in hand) with no clothes for him, and tell me (not ask) that he is staying all weekend. My dad owed me money and was supposed to pay me when he got paid. Well he made a big deal about giving me 20 dollars out of over 100 back. Then I see my sister with a pocket full of money. She does not work so like always my dad gave it to her instead of giving me back money I needed. All she does with it is buy pills, beer, and pot so I dont know why that was more important. for her to have money.
But anyway, he gets homesick and I told them last night he wanted to come home today. It is now 5pm and I am still waiting for someone to show up to get him. They knew I had things I needed to do today, but like always no one cares that I also have a life. I just want to scream at them when they show up, but can't with the kids here. My boyfriend has gotten more than sick of watching them guilt me into buying food for my sister while she doesn't even try to take care of herself, or her child. Babysit without being paid. Go to my parent's and feed horses, clean their home, and help him gather "scrap" because he is always broke from drinking and paying my sisters bills, and then be talked to about how much I owe him. 2 years in a row he borrowed all of the money I got for taxes, and never paid it back. I have paid for food more times than I can count, but in his mind I owe him.
He will call me a ****, talk about things I did a decade ago, and in general treat me like ****, but after a week or so of ignoring him I always feel bad, and answer the phone. My family causes so much tension between me and my boyfriend, and I am sick of it. But I really don't know how to just cut ties with them, because they say I am keeping my kid from them, and make me feel like ****. Am I wrong to keep my daughter from seeing them? Is their anyone else out their who has a dysfunctional family who can give me any advice?
But anyway, he gets homesick and I told them last night he wanted to come home today. It is now 5pm and I am still waiting for someone to show up to get him. They knew I had things I needed to do today, but like always no one cares that I also have a life. I just want to scream at them when they show up, but can't with the kids here. My boyfriend has gotten more than sick of watching them guilt me into buying food for my sister while she doesn't even try to take care of herself, or her child. Babysit without being paid. Go to my parent's and feed horses, clean their home, and help him gather "scrap" because he is always broke from drinking and paying my sisters bills, and then be talked to about how much I owe him. 2 years in a row he borrowed all of the money I got for taxes, and never paid it back. I have paid for food more times than I can count, but in his mind I owe him.
He will call me a ****, talk about things I did a decade ago, and in general treat me like ****, but after a week or so of ignoring him I always feel bad, and answer the phone. My family causes so much tension between me and my boyfriend, and I am sick of it. But I really don't know how to just cut ties with them, because they say I am keeping my kid from them, and make me feel like ****. Am I wrong to keep my daughter from seeing them? Is their anyone else out their who has a dysfunctional family who can give me any advice?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Cutting ties is maybe too extreme, how about setting boundaries.
From my own experience, my dad had a drink problem, my parents divorced and my childhood was full of custody battles over me and my sister, but as I got older this would all end up being regurgitated over and over by both sides of my family, I never cut ties completely but I would only met and associate with certain family members on my terms, and only my own terms.
The trick for me was to live my own life and not let someone else's issues, drink problem, resentments etc etc have any affect on my life, people were kept at a distance, some family members never met girlfriends or other friends, my life was kept separate in many ways.
It's far from easy, but it can be done!!
From my own experience, my dad had a drink problem, my parents divorced and my childhood was full of custody battles over me and my sister, but as I got older this would all end up being regurgitated over and over by both sides of my family, I never cut ties completely but I would only met and associate with certain family members on my terms, and only my own terms.
The trick for me was to live my own life and not let someone else's issues, drink problem, resentments etc etc have any affect on my life, people were kept at a distance, some family members never met girlfriends or other friends, my life was kept separate in many ways.
It's far from easy, but it can be done!!
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
I have cut contact with half of my family, I thought it would be hard and cause me to wish I hadn't. Turned out to be the best thing I did, all they did was use and abuse me. Why submit you self to being dragged down by them all the time. Let your own life come first and flourish, it may seem selfish but it's not. It's self preservation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
My family does not respect boundaries at all. I have tried to do it, but they just show up or call literally a dozen times a day. I told my father not to come to my house drinking anymore, but since he has showed up 2 times drunk and with a beer in his hand, and has called so smashed he can't speak asking to talk to my daughter. When my sister came to get her son she hugged my daughter and the first thing my baby said was, "You smell like beer." I just dont know if I can handle them around me anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
I not sure how it is in your house,but in mine I have the power over whether or not my phone gets answered.
For me, to keep answering the phone and listen to insane people, to keep letting them use me as a doormat, is enabling them to continue to same bahavior.
NO
Is a complete sentence.
I think I'll answer this question for ya:
I just don't know if I can handle the, around me any more.
It seems your not handling it now.
I have to accept people for the way they are, but I don't have to allow unacceptable behavior around me.
Take my brother. After I got sober and he was around me, I had absolutly no serenity. Wha I saw always me drunk. I accept that's how he is, but I made the decision to tell him he can't be around me IF that was how he was going to be.
I haven't spoken to my brother in about 8 years now. I love him, but I just can't allow his bahavior around me. It didn't do me any good.
For me, to keep answering the phone and listen to insane people, to keep letting them use me as a doormat, is enabling them to continue to same bahavior.
NO
Is a complete sentence.
I think I'll answer this question for ya:
I just don't know if I can handle the, around me any more.
It seems your not handling it now.
I have to accept people for the way they are, but I don't have to allow unacceptable behavior around me.
Take my brother. After I got sober and he was around me, I had absolutly no serenity. Wha I saw always me drunk. I accept that's how he is, but I made the decision to tell him he can't be around me IF that was how he was going to be.
I haven't spoken to my brother in about 8 years now. I love him, but I just can't allow his bahavior around me. It didn't do me any good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
You are right I don't really handle it. I am just at the point that if my family, and my home are going to be disrespected then they just are not welcome in it. I can only give so many chances. I have tried to help them, both financially and by doing things for them, but it always blows up in my face. I had 10 days where I did not speak to them, and it was so peaceful. I was a nicer person to be around, and I was happier. I just don't know how to even tell them. If I ignore them they will just show up, and I don't need that.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I just walked away amanda - no goodbye notes,. no 'you should be' lectures.
I just walked away for my own sanity.
It's not easy - particularly if they try to guilt you back into the fold...but to be honest I was 'gone' for 6 months before anyone noticed.
D
I just walked away for my own sanity.
It's not easy - particularly if they try to guilt you back into the fold...but to be honest I was 'gone' for 6 months before anyone noticed.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
I set boundaries for myself too when I left home as a teen and never really looked back.
I barely talked to my dad for years!! And how I did it was by not answering his calls.
My mother got chewed out..... many times. Until I was sure she was hearing me loud and clear about how she was making me feel.
To this day I only include myself if I want to and I always have an exit strategy.
It doesn't mean I don't love or value them or that I wouldn't drop everything to come to their aid if they needed me.... but I would do it on my terms. I am an adult now in charge of my own destiny.
I barely talked to my dad for years!! And how I did it was by not answering his calls.
My mother got chewed out..... many times. Until I was sure she was hearing me loud and clear about how she was making me feel.
To this day I only include myself if I want to and I always have an exit strategy.
It doesn't mean I don't love or value them or that I wouldn't drop everything to come to their aid if they needed me.... but I would do it on my terms. I am an adult now in charge of my own destiny.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Amandamarie....if you've set boundaries and they are being disrespected, then I agree with walking away.
It sounds like the family drama is consuming too much of your valuable time that could be spent enjoying your daughter and the life you have built for yourself. But you have to be prepared to stop answering the phone and the door and emails, texts, etc....every time you answer it sends the message to your dad/sister that you're not serious about what you say. It's hard, believe me, I know it is but it will ultimately give you a more peaceful, less stressful life.
It sounds like the family drama is consuming too much of your valuable time that could be spent enjoying your daughter and the life you have built for yourself. But you have to be prepared to stop answering the phone and the door and emails, texts, etc....every time you answer it sends the message to your dad/sister that you're not serious about what you say. It's hard, believe me, I know it is but it will ultimately give you a more peaceful, less stressful life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 173
Yes, me too Amanamarie...I cut contact at the ripe young age of 15 yrs old with my family...and went on the streets to keep me away from them. I did kinda wander back and forth during my early twenties.. I was desperate for some kind of belonging and probably wanted to just to 'see if anything had changed...'. It hadn't - and was always painful. So i walked away never to return. It's very sad that, but when I look back there was no other way. Sometimes there just isn't if you are to keep yourself safe and give yourself half a chance.
It's only you though that can make this decision. If you know boundaries don't work with your family (as you've said?)... then you maybe need to consider erecting the final boundary? Keep thinking and talking it over here if you're still unsure....for as long as it takes...
It's only you though that can make this decision. If you know boundaries don't work with your family (as you've said?)... then you maybe need to consider erecting the final boundary? Keep thinking and talking it over here if you're still unsure....for as long as it takes...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
I have had to completely sever ties with my family too. They never respected me or my boundaries so that was the final result. It is very hard to do, but over time you will see that it is for the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
I really do know it is what needs to be done at this point. I truly have tried every thing else to get them to understand and respect what I say. My boyfriend has told me for a long time, "Just don't answer the phone." But I always felt like what is something serious happens, and I ignore them. Mainly with my dad being that he has congestive heart failure, but he still doesn't try to help himself, and I will not be able to help it whether I am around or not. It has reached the point if I want my daughter, boyfriend, and I to be happy and be able to live OUR lives I have to stop letting my family affect mine. Also, my family brings back so many horrible memories from when I was young that I would rather just avoid. Maybe with them not always around I can finally lay some of those to rest. Thank you everybody for your advice. I just needed to hear that it doesn't make me a horrible person I guess to relieve some of the guilt.
One Day At A Time
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,054
amandamarie, you are not a horrible person. You have your own life to live. I have walked away from someone in my family also. I cannot help who I am related to, and family ties does not mean I need to accept emotional abuse from them. In regard to if you don't answer the phone you would be concerned about an emergency.....The way I deal with this is to remember- that is what 911 is for. Sounds harsh I guess, but I am not police, the fire department or an ambulance which is what is necessary if things are truly that bad in someone else's situation. We are all here for you. (hugs)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
You are right if some kind of emergency is happening I can not help from almost 2 hours away, and even if I was their I am not a doctor. Hearing other people who have cut ties, and their lives are better for it reassures me that it is the right decision.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 155
The "guilt" you feel is the emptiness of not allowing them to abuse you anymore. It's an ingrained habit. Supporting them financially is trying to get their love & approval- that will never happen. They only see you as an ATM that they can loot from and it doesn't talk back! They are adults and unless you have guardianship over them, treat them as adults. Being "family" does NOT give them the right to be unaccountable for their behavior. They are NOT exempt from the consequences of THEIR lifestyle choices!
If some emergency did come up, there's nothing you can really do and unfortunately, they made their own beds... they will need to face the music on their own.
I have had to cut all contact with my family because they refuse to respect my boundaries. Funny thing is, they respect the boundaries of others, so they aren't "stupid" about boundaries. Just try to cross one of theirs!!!
If some emergency did come up, there's nothing you can really do and unfortunately, they made their own beds... they will need to face the music on their own.
I have had to cut all contact with my family because they refuse to respect my boundaries. Funny thing is, they respect the boundaries of others, so they aren't "stupid" about boundaries. Just try to cross one of theirs!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I had to back way away from my family. I moved 2500 miles away and that pretty much changed everything into a "permission to access" situation right away.
I let calls go to voicemail. They were all adults and could deal with their own problems. On the occasions when we would talk or visit, I had strict boundaries about what was acceptable conversation topics. If they started, I walked away saying, "I'm not having this conversation with you," or I hung up the phone with the same explanation.
I had to make the decision and stick to it. It was so freeing.
I let calls go to voicemail. They were all adults and could deal with their own problems. On the occasions when we would talk or visit, I had strict boundaries about what was acceptable conversation topics. If they started, I walked away saying, "I'm not having this conversation with you," or I hung up the phone with the same explanation.
I had to make the decision and stick to it. It was so freeing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
I have thought about moving. My boyfriend has had the same job for 10 years though so it would be really hard to do. I thought when I moved 2 hours away it would stop them from bothering me, but if their is one thing they are it is persistent. I just have to put my foot down, and stop being a door mat. I really am not like that with anyone else so I guess it is time to stop giving them special allowances.
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