Blogs


Notices

how do I cut ties with my dysfunctional family

Old 05-03-2015, 03:55 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
saoutchik
 
saoutchik's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 15,151
Good for you Amandamarie. They are just taking advantage of you by the sound of it.

Sometimes you do have to put yourself and your own family first
saoutchik is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to saoutchik For This Useful Post:
AGAGONNHOJ (05-04-2015), amandamarie (05-03-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 03:59 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
amandamarie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 187
Blog Entries: 11
Thank you. It will be hard, because I have a way of feeling guilty for things that I have no blame in. But I am ready for some peace in my life, and I can't have them in it and have any so it's the only option left.
amandamarie is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to amandamarie For This Useful Post:
AGAGONNHOJ (05-04-2015), Dee74 (05-03-2015), Littlebear (05-04-2015), saoutchik (05-03-2015), tomsteve (05-04-2015)
Old 05-03-2015, 04:31 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Seattle, Washington
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
So I had my nephew over for a sleepover with my daughter. My sister and father show up ( with a beer in hand) with no clothes for him, and tell me (not ask) that he is staying all weekend. My dad owed me money and was supposed to pay me when he got paid. Well he made a big deal about giving me 20 dollars out of over 100 back. Then I see my sister with a pocket full of money. She does not work so like always my dad gave it to her instead of giving me back money I needed. All she does with it is buy pills, beer, and pot so I dont know why that was more important. for her to have money.
But anyway, he gets homesick and I told them last night he wanted to come home today. It is now 5pm and I am still waiting for someone to show up to get him. They knew I had things I needed to do today, but like always no one cares that I also have a life. I just want to scream at them when they show up, but can't with the kids here. My boyfriend has gotten more than sick of watching them guilt me into buying food for my sister while she doesn't even try to take care of herself, or her child. Babysit without being paid. Go to my parent's and feed horses, clean their home, and help him gather "scrap" because he is always broke from drinking and paying my sisters bills, and then be talked to about how much I owe him. 2 years in a row he borrowed all of the money I got for taxes, and never paid it back. I have paid for food more times than I can count, but in his mind I owe him.
He will call me a ****, talk about things I did a decade ago, and in general treat me like ****, but after a week or so of ignoring him I always feel bad, and answer the phone. My family causes so much tension between me and my boyfriend, and I am sick of it. But I really don't know how to just cut ties with them, because they say I am keeping my kid from them, and make me feel like ****. Am I wrong to keep my daughter from seeing them? Is their anyone else out their who has a dysfunctional family who can give me any advice?
I gave them and inch and they took a mile. Too many inches over too many years. The final inch was the straw that broke the camels back of which I cut all ties and I was no longer a victim with no more complaints. Al-Anon and ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) along with psychotherapy one on one and group all help.

Today, I’m an old man, and in retrospect I wasted a lot of time worrying about what others, especially my family thought of me, and therefore I was seeking their approval, because for years I didn’t think much of myself.

Today life’s too short to be in a relationship with anyone that doesn’t work, including members on forums or at AA meetings. That doesn’t mean I can’t be tolerant or forgive, I very well can and it eliminates resentment. However, tolerance and forgives don’t mean I have to forget. That way I remember that I don’t have to fix them to be what I want them to be in how they treated me, which was selfish behavior on my part. Thus, I can accept others for exactly the way they are without my interference
Iconoclastic is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Iconoclastic For This Useful Post:
AGAGONNHOJ (05-04-2015), saoutchik (05-04-2015)
Old 05-04-2015, 08:12 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 174
We're here for you, Amandamarie. Huge hugs from me.

About 2 years ago, my familyhad all manner of problems with an Aunt of mine, after Grandma, before her mind became wrecked by dementia, signed over power of attorney to Auntie, only for her to start treating Grandma's money as if it was her own, and attempted to break off family relations, in the apparent hope that if she did so, she'd never have to pay back all of Grandma's money she's taken.

The Aunt in question has basically lived her whole life as a kept woman, which began after she moved back in with Grandma to 'look after' her when Granddad died 30 years ago. She's been doing little but drinking in all that time, exhibiting all the signs of alcoholic psychosis in terms of paranoia, aggression, bouts of depression and suchlike, lashing out even at those people she had left who were spending hours of their time trying to help her. Among her most recent escapades was to reverse her car into that of her tenants, causing 600 pounds worth of damage, and trying to absolve herself of responsibility for it.

This was less than a week after having her license returned to her after a one year ban for drink driving. She's in complete denial about her drinking. The exact words she used to me were "The Doctors said that dry Martini is a very harmless drink, even in the vast quantities your father has driven me to swallow" ('driven her to swallow' basically means get lawyers and the police involved over the close to half a million pounds that has been stolen). Actually, that's not even the half of it. I could go on about the things I hear of that she's done where she lives, but I would literally be here all night. It just goes on and on and on.

Its sad, but you've got to do it. As someone else said, you've done all you can, and you're not an emergency service.

Ultimately, this is the difference between us and people like your folks and my Auntie, I think - we recognise we have a problem and want to change, no matter how hard it is.

And they basically are in either complete denial, or have no desire whatsoever to help themselves.
AGAGONNHOJ is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to AGAGONNHOJ For This Useful Post:
saoutchik (05-04-2015)
Old 05-04-2015, 08:22 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
chickippo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 283
i went no contact with my mother around 8 years ago. it remains the kindest thing i have ever done for myself.

my daughter (who is very nearly almost 15 but that's another story!) was simply told that Nana couldn't and didn't keep me safe as a child, so i can't be around her as an adult.

sounds simple, doesn't it? it is, but not at all easy. it has been good for me - however the day-to-day is still very hard - a loving family is portrayed everywhere as the standard to uphold but it isn't like that for everyone.

be kind to yourself.
chickippo is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to chickippo For This Useful Post:
Dee74 (05-04-2015), Littlebear (05-04-2015), saoutchik (05-04-2015)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:11 AM.