Spouse of a recovering alcoholic

Old 05-01-2015, 08:15 PM
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Spouse of a recovering alcoholic

I am a wife of an alcoholic. I am looking for input or listen to experience that people have about this topic i am about to present in my life right now.
A little history first,
I met my husband when i was 13 years old. We dated on an off and eventually got married at 18 before he joined the army. He served for 4 years and got out. He has always been a heavy drinker since he was 16 years old. but after he got out of the army he progressively got worse. His body was needing more to get the same effects and eventually his body needed it to function his everyday life so he didn't get the shakes, or withdrawals. I nagged, threatened, complained for the first 7 years of our marriage. The last year i became very angry with him, call him names, nagg.....and eventually started coming home and not really talking to him because he was always drunk.. i wouldn't show him affection very often. it was hard to even say i love you back (even though i did). I have been affected very much so by the neglect i was feeling from him. In my eyes, he was choosing alcohol over his family and it hurt me so much. when he drank all the time he would still try to love on me, say i love you all the time. writing this i look back and i do regret the hurtful things i have done to him. But then i know i have been hurt by his lies of constantly telling me that day would be his last day drinking....that he will stop on his own.
We have been married now for a little over 8 years. We have a 3 year old daughter.
He finally decided to go to treatment, through the VA so its not a nice facility, he has been there 45 days. I did a 180 turn with him now that he is sober. I love him, i love that he is sober now. He is my best friend and i have known him practically my whole life! I am very supportive and loving of his recovert. i try to let him know i love him so much even though all these years he felt like i didn't. But i did.
The first couple weeks into treatment he was loving back with me. i felt like our connection was getting stronger and that we were finaly going to be ok.....but the 3rd week into his treatment i started to notice him distancing himself from me. i noticed he was connecting with the people there and not connecting with me and his daughter anymore. he started to stop showing me affection when he came to visit the 3 different times. I asked him what is going on, and now he is telling me he doesn't know if we will work out. That he is confused and weird-ed out by my love for him. He has been saying this the last few weeks. I have been very hurt by this. I think about his recovery there and i havent been included in one single thing with the recovery. Not a counseling session, not a family program. nothing. I ask him if there is anything . . . and he tells me there isnt anything for me....that this recovery is about only himself. we had a couples counseling set up and he cancelled it. never rescheduled it.
Im very confused because how is he suposed to get his life on track sober with his family and work, if myself and his daughter arnt included. I understand our past...him drinking all the time...and me not being so loving.... and i tell him this is about moving forward into the future. a healthy future with our beautiful daughter. and i told him that i loved him, but i was hurt and that i need help to.
My question for those of you who have experience is that, why could this be happening?? or maybe if this has happened to you . . . where are you at now in life with the recovered? what happened in the end? what advice do you have? I'm so lost. I finally seeked for a counselor for myself and i am hoping he will go with me if he wants to. to help us connect and love one another again. I just love him so much and i dont understand. He is still in treatment. was supposed to get out a couple days ago but decided he wanted to stay there longer. He is scared to get out. please help with any advice or share any experience you may have had.
thank you
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Old 05-01-2015, 08:36 PM
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Mel, I'm sorry I can't give you any advice. But there are others on here that can. It sounds like a very difficult, stressful and upsetting situation. I know that's putting it mildly. Keep the faith for you and your daughter. My best to you both.
There are some other sections in SR that are set up for family members. You might want to look at those for some guidance, too.
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Old 05-01-2015, 08:40 PM
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The friends and family section is a great place to look for advice. I wish you and your daughter the best, it is great your husband is getting himself back together even if things change for you both.
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Old 05-01-2015, 09:03 PM
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to SR Mel.
You will find a lot of support on this site both on the newcomer section and also on the friends and family section
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
My XABF could not wait till he would get out of treatment. He went to many rehabs and sadly never recovered.
I think it is a pretty good sign that he wants to stay longer (meaning that he is serious).
One thing to keep in mind is that he is in early sobriety and probably scared stiff to go back to the real world with all its stress and temptation. Also, he is going through physical changes as his brain is rewiring itself ... lots of ups and down going on there.
Like I said, I did not have that experience with my X but it seems that what you are experiencing (alcoholic/addict in treatment becoming distant) is quite common.
I am glad that you realize you need help too and that you are going to see a counselor.
I would suggest that you look also into Al Anon which is a face to face support group for friends and family of alcoholics.
Glad that you are here
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Old 05-01-2015, 09:08 PM
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I had a similar situation. Unfortunately for me, he began a relationship with an ex girlfriend who he used with and got sober with. I was told he was only seeking guidance from her as she became sober a few years earlier. I never knew whether it's true or not. He then cut me off from his life. I recently learned that he and this girl have been in a relationship. The thing is, you cannot control another human being. He will do what he wants to do. You have no control over that. You do, have control over yourself and your own life.
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Old 05-01-2015, 09:09 PM
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Behold the power of NO
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I wanted to add that you two met when you were kids, you married very young and he started drinking very young too. Alcohol stunts the psychological development.
Where I am coming at is that you two never had a relationship as two sober adults and that it will take time and work to learn to communicate and get on the same page.
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Old 05-02-2015, 05:25 AM
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Hi and welcome.

There is a lot of wisdom in both Carlottas posts.
I also highly recommend Al Anon meetings in your area for hands on support.

As with many things in life we will hear the truths we won’t like at times but try to be open minded and observe how much serenity the people have.

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Old 05-02-2015, 10:54 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Meldixon!!
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Old 05-02-2015, 11:30 AM
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Hello & Welcome MelDixon
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