Love and alcohol

Old 04-30-2015, 12:12 PM
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Love and alcohol

I know it's time to make a change. For the first time last night after a drunk fight I questioned if marrying my fiancÚ would be a mistake.

I was angry with him because his work schedule is very demanding and I needed him to help with making some wedding decisions and instead of the little free time he has to help he ends up pouring shots and then we are too impaired to get anything accomplished.

Somehow we have become to enable each other in drinking. He is a former addict and I fear that alcohol is becoming his new substance of choice. I'm no better because although I know it is wrong I'm choosing to take the shots he's poured.

I've continually try to break the cycle by saying we need to stop with this daily drinking and he'll agree but it continues to happen every night. I was able to do a 10 day cleanse with no temptations but by the end of it 2 shots were waiting for me.

We didn't fall in love this way. Somehow along the way the drinking just didn't stop after Sunday then after Monday until it because a daily routine.

I fear we are toxic for each other and what it will do to our future marriage.

What do I do?
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:17 PM
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you might find some insight and self-reflection in a book called "Co-dependent No More"

Sounds like a really challenging place to be.
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:35 PM
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If your fiance has had problems with addiction in the past, then the alcohol use doesn't sound like a step in the right direction.

There's a lot of support round here, there is even a forum dedicated to the friends/family of alcoholics which might be worth exploring.

In terms of your own stuff, do you have any ideas to help you stop drinking? I go to AA meetings, my local drug and alcohol centre and I use this forum a lot. Might be worth having a think about and drawing up a plan :-)
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:35 PM
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Welcome to the Forum TwoLoves!!
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:37 PM
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TwoLoves - if you think planning a wedding is stressful, fast forward your life 15 years, add a mortgage/bills, kids (if you so choose...), in-laws, etc., ad infinitum...stress is probably my main drinking "trigger" and it sounds like your fiance is the same way...

I would not be presumptuous enough to tell anyone I didn't know personally what to do (and I rarely do it with the people I do know), but I would encourage you to slow down and take a step or two back and assess things. If you're feeling like red flags are going up already, it might be a sign...
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:47 PM
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I'm not going to say he's the wrong person for you, because we can find enablers anywhere. Us alcoholics are good at sourcing them out.

As thwsmith33 said though, life is only going to get harder and more stressful after the marriage, so you may want to ensure you can live a healthy, balanced lifestyle first before committing. Can't really say though, as you know your situation better than anyone.
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Old 04-30-2015, 01:18 PM
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Welcome 2loves nice to meet you

Your username reminded me of a very short story i know
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Old 04-30-2015, 01:42 PM
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Do you want to stop drinking? If so, we are here to support you. Your fiancÚ may not want to stop drinking, which is his choice. However, you can still live a sober life. When you stop drinking, it will probably become more clear to you whether the relationship is sustainable or not.
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Old 04-30-2015, 02:33 PM
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What I really want is to be healthy and not abuse alcohol just be like everyone else who is able to know when to say no and enough is enough. Sadly, I don't know if I will ever be that person and my brain will ever be able to think that way. Being completely sober is probably what I need.
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Old 04-30-2015, 02:58 PM
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He's been free from his cocaine addiction for probably 7 or 8 years but my fear is that the addiction gene in his body will never go away.

It scares me to think that his cocaine use started out casual and then progressed to a morning noon and night thing. What if that begins to happen with alcohol?

I don't know what my plan is...I think about attending meetings. I think him and I need to make a plan together. I always tell him we either are going to rise together or fall together.
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Old 04-30-2015, 03:10 PM
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Behold the power of NO
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What if he is not interested in quitting? Do you want to get sober?
Actually if he was not in the equation and your were single, would you want to get sober?
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Old 04-30-2015, 06:03 PM
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I'll make a suggestion, if only because nobody takes it. Pre-marriage counseling. Most people refuse to go because they're afraid of a negative outcome, i.e., that they'll arrive at the realization that in order for the marriage to work, significant changes need to be made. And no one in the throes of addiction is prepared or willing to make the major changes that are necessary in order to have a balanced, healthy relationship.

A wedding is a single event, no matter how much planning goes into it, and prepares no one for the challenges of a mature relationship.

The only other thing I'll say is that when in a relationship with an active addict or alcoholic, we know very little -- perhaps nothing at all -- about the person we're with. This is a constant that never changes.

Your Marriage Counselor Can Predict Whether Or Not You'll Divorce. Here's How

Edit: We do know a lot about our active partners...such as what they are and what they can become when they're drinking.
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Old 04-30-2015, 06:16 PM
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There are actually 3 lovers. The third lover is alcohol and 3 is always a crowd.

When you remove alcohol from the relationship I think things we become much clearer
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Old 04-30-2015, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by EndGameNYC View Post
I'll make a suggestion, if only because nobody takes it. Pre-marriage counseling.

my fiancee and I have been doing this. we both come from previous painful marriage / divorces and we both feel that too little time is spent developing the right patterns of relationship while the relationship is evolving - and those failures to develop effective patterns and strategies together while the relationship is strong and young and in 'good' territory winds up a vulnerability when things invariably become harder work. As all relationships will at some point.

So far, it is very helpful both for our togetherness and for our effectiveness at co-parenting our children together.

I think everyone should do it, and also I believe marriages / partnerships should take a lesson from business; vision, strategy, guiding principles, goals and objectives, financial expectations and beliefs, how will challenges be reacted to, how will parenting principles be formed and adhered to.... all these things so derail relationships and almost nobody ever really communicates about them. We just select a person, fall in love with them, and figure all of that will magically happen.

Uhm... it turns out; it doesn't.
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