TennantSmith

I was getting ready for my daughters banquet yesterday. I was frustrated because my favorite dress shirt ripped, I was anxious about spending time with my ex-MIL, and I had been dealing with a lingering sadness all day. I wanted to stay home alone. I had the typical thoughts "tell her you can't go. Make an excuse, etc" That was followed by "No! This isn't about you. I it's about her"

Those were the thoughts I had when I was drinking or hungover. This aren't the thoughts of a woman working her recovery. I stepped under the water of the shower and sobbed. I sobbed from a place so deep from my soul, I was doubled over.

I was sick of it. I was angry. I saw so clearly the prison I had been in; I felt it. I pictured a row of empties; I didn't want to drink from them. I wanted to crush them. I wanted to take every single bottle and crush it. In between sobs, I found myself saying, "not on more. Not one more thing lost. Not on more moment ignored. Not one more part of me or my life traded for a drink"

I have read on here about members who have said "my pain from drinking finally was more than my desire to drink" I get it now. It's a painfully beautiful moment.

My MIL and I got along. We'll never be close but I realized we can be civil. My oldest came in late. I had my wall to because I didn't know what to expect. She spent time with her sisters, we chatted some. She hugged me and I didn't want to let go. She told me about a new medicine they are trying and about finals. She left to attend an all night university sponsored finals study event.

I woke up to a message from her. She said she loved me. She apologized for being distant. She's dealing with her own pain, separate from me. She's a bit ahead of the game because she's sought out the help she needs and while stumbling through that unfamiliar and sometimes hard place of healing, she keeps going back. She keeps doing the work.

Anyway, she said things look bleak for me bit all she sees is a woman who was always there when she was sick or inpatient. She said that I raised four incredible daughters not by accident, but by being there. She said she had learned from me and wants to continue to learn from me.

I didn't damage everything. I didn't lose everything. That's my reason WHY I DONT DRINK TODAY. I've lost enough but I refuse to give one more thing to alcohol.

I'm not out of the woods. I'm smack dab in the middle of them. Today, though, I don't feel so lost.

Cauliflower

What am amazing update Tennant! Daughters are a blessing, especially when they shower the love right back at us! I am so happy for you.

TennantSmith

((((Cauliflower)))) I always appreciate your replies. I can feel the support through the screen.

I'm at the part of recovery where the tears keep coming. I let them. My counselor better have a lot of tissue on Tuesday.

Cauliflower

Aww, you are going to make me cry now! xo

firstymer

Thanks for the beautiful post, TennantSmith. You clearly did a terrific job in raising your children. And you are loved by them (And they even TELL you that they love you - a rarity) And you are sober. Those things will act as a light to guide you out from even the darkest woods.

I must disagree with your daughter in one respect. I don't think things look bleak for you. At all. Not as long as you recognize the good thing that you have going....

TennantSmith

Feels Friday, yay! Lol

But seriously, I see the work here. I see those who are always ready with a kind word or a kick in the butt. I see those in chat who reach out of make me laugh. I see the friendships and the concern. This is an online forum that many stumble upon when they feel the most powerless and I see (and I'm becoming one of them) them become so strong.

Lives are changed here.

PurpleKnight

Fantastic post!!

Dee74

Thanks for your post TS - I'm really glad you negotiated all of that successfully

D