I didn't make it 2 days
 

Yesterday night I stood and looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and knew all I had to do was stay inside the flat ten more minutes. But a minute later and I was out the door and made it to the local store around the corner in time to get a big bottle of gin and some lovely sparkling mixers.
I cried as I started drinking it and as usual I don't remember the end of the night.
So instead of waking up feeling clearheaded as I wanted to when I decided to stop drinking for a while, I woke up to a note slipped under my door from a neighbour asking me to turn down the music volume because it was 4am and a series of embarrassing messages I've sent to people including work colleagues.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Sara,

Welcome and glad you're here!!
Good new - sobriety is indeed possible. Not long ago I felt the same way - drank for a long time.

With help here and elsewhere WE stay sober - one day at a time.
Acceptance and willingness are the keys that get us on the right path.

You don't have to drink!

If you are crying with your first drink, then that is the real YOU telling you that it's time to stop completely, not just for a little while. Think about it. Get to know that person, honor the real you for a while, not that blasted addictive voice.

BTW, I know exactly that feeling of anxiety that comes with knowing that time is slipping away and the store is closing soon, and there is no wine in the house. I've been there, and I have a feeling it may come back, as I'm only on day 9, but I also know that it's not ME, it's the addiction talking. If it does come back, I have SR, but I also have my journals to read, my entries are a reminder of the real me. Give it a try, you can do this!

I would cry too. It took more drinks to reach the point of not feeling, until that didn't happen either. I kept telling myself " this time will be different" it never was. I also did the "just ten more minutes. Then I won't drink" I always did.

I came here. I started an Accountability thread. I wrote out my plan and had others help me with it. Then I put my recovery into action. Is doesn't happen by itself. I wished for a sober fairy to come and sprinkle sober dust on me and I'd be fine. I focused on other goals and prayed sobriety would just happen as a by product.

It didn't. I couldn't reason, bargain, or white knuckle myself sober. I had to fight for it.

Check out the links at the top of the forum here on how people got sober and making a plan (I can't link from my phone). It really is a great starting point. It helps you know how to begin and what to do next.

You're not sure what you're going to do?

Well then; for a start why not try something that has worked for others....

Are you following a program?

Are you willing to make changes in your life?

Have you got support?

Make a plan for the coming ten days, take those ten days one day at a time, make a choice to give sobriety everything you've got.

You don't need to stay stuck in the cycle ever downward. You can turn this starting right NOW.

hi Sara,
sometimes i couldn't make it 1 day, never mind 2.

welcome.

connecting with others was one of the "new" things i did which helped me stay the course.

Welcome to the Forum Sara!! :wave:

Thank you for the messages. It's the first time I've been on a forum for this before. It felt relieving to be able to say some of those things. I'm so good at hiding how big and destructive a problem alcohol has been in my life to this point. I think even from myself. I've never really entertained seriously the idea that I might have to stop drinking altogether. It's such a part of who I am. But I don't know the point it turned from being the one who went too far on fun nights out to me drinking heavily alone at home. It just all feels strange. I'm exhausted with myself for choosing the familiarity of this awful thing to what I know I could have and be if I got this under control. It's tough though even right now I feel like in a week I'll probably feel like I've got it all in hand and a night out drinking won't hurt. This does feel like an important first step. I'm glad I've found this.

:welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
I would suggest that you start reading on the forum and see what other people with longer term sobriety are doing and see what you would be interested into.
I would also suggest that you join the class of April on SR where you can give and get support from your peers who have quit at the same time as you did
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-3-a-18.html
and also check in daily with the 24 hours Recovery Connections where we commit not to drink or drug for the next 24 hours
It is a fun supportive way to hold ourselves accountable
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-54-a-17.html

Sara - what you're saying is EXACTLY how I was.
I'm only on day two but in the past when I make it to day 5 or 1 week I feel I've proven to myself that I can quit, so it must not be a problem and I pick right back up again with a few nights out and then every night drinking at home alone.

Up until this week I hadn't even blacked out in a year two, but sure enough, it happened again and that's proven to me that I can't drink in moderation, no matter how long it seems like I can.

Finding this site and posting on here has given me a good sense of accountability, and I really think that will make the difference this time. I'm only on day 2 but I've left my computer open and this site up for the last 48 hours, and any moment I feel bordem creep in or the urge to grab a drink I grab my computer instead. Knowing there are other people out there feeling exactly how I do (like your thread!) at the exact same moment has been a huge help so far.

Hang in there! It may be the difference for you as well.

Sara,
i did many control-experiments. i couldn't.
though it looked to me like of course i could: i mean, if i can go for a week without, clearly i'm in control, right?
just as you're thinking:)

but i couldn't, never wanted just one drink, and ended up drinking over and over when i had intended and committed NOT to.

and i was a secret drink-at-home-alone-drunk, too. couldn't imagine who or how i'd be without it...but here i am, years after quitting, still finding out.

Sorry to be a little late but welcome Sara :)
Changing our lives is hard and many of us falter a time or too - there's a lot of support here tho & and that made all the difference to me - do check out those links Carlotta mentioned :)

D

D

I read somewhere (Maybe in the alcoholism forum) about how easily some of us get addicted to alcohol. It's just how the alcohol reacts in our system, and it's guaranteed to only get worse unless we stop. Glad you are here! It kinda crept up on me too, but we can still not it on the bud!

What you originally posted I have done a million times myself. You are not alone. Tomorrow is another day..Keep your chin up:)

Hi Sara. I was just the same, from social drinking too much to drinking at home alone in secret. I didn't think I could survive life without alcohol.

Now I choose to live without it and, yep, there is a life out there without it. Not a dull dreary life but a life worth living.

You deserve to give yourself a chance to try it. It may take some determination and grit and a few white knuckle rides but hang on there, you're in for the ride of your life.

Just one small step at a time, don't look too far in the future just don't drink for now, today.

Welcome!

I can definitely relate to your post. The amount of times I have gone on autopilot and felt awful about it.
You're in a good place and there's so much support in this forum.
I would definitely recommend making a plan to keep yourself sober :-)

It probably is a downer now but don't beat yourself up . I know how that feels when you're drinking and can't even enjoy it. It just increases the depression, sadness, emotional confusion, etc.

I hope things get better. For me personally this forum has been a great help. Its very positive and supportive.

I'm glad to meet you Sara. It does help to talk things over here - you're never alone.

I can relate to your feelings of disappointment and remorse over what happened the other night. I sabotaged myself so many times. In the end, I was disgusted - and very ready to stop. I knew each time it was in my system it led to disaster. You can do this Sara.