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Am I enabling my child's bad behavior?

Old 04-29-2015, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Ali2013 View Post
Perhaps I read this wrong. You lost her at 8 months old. Due to ....??? And now your boyfriend is calling the shots? I have a 7 year old. She is a difficult child. Very headstrong. But I would be damned if I let a boyfriend call the shots.
I was a heroin addict, and lost her because I could not keep a stable home. But she lived with my sister, and I always saw her. I let my boyfriend have input because he does treat her well, provide for her, and love her. We have been together a little over 3 years, and he has always accepted her. When my sisters boyfriend began using drugs, I was about to ask, and he just said, "Lets go get her." I believe he should have a say in what goes on in a home that he pays for. If he was in anyway mean to her I would not put up with that , but when it comes to discipline he is calm about it. She has hit, bit, and screamed at him, and he would just put her in the corner. Plus like I said the party was his present to her so I really have no say in what he gives her for her birthday.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Gilmer View Post
His authority is very important in her life, too. It is important for parents to retain a united front as far as discipline is concerned. I don't think you should countermand him unless actual cruelty is involved, especially if he gets more respect from her with his methods.
My mother always says keep a united front even if you do not agree do not let her see that she can make you argue. I have to agree with that for the reason that she is pretty smart, and if I let her see she can manipulate us I think she will do it every time she gets mad at one of us. My mother actually leans more towards his punishments, because they are effective. He watched Supernanny to figure out what to do when she is bad (corny I know) and he follows through to the "T' He can put her in the corner, and just ignore all of the mean things she says, while I get upset and have to go in the other room to cry. Or she will scream for me, and I will answer while he will ignore her until she talks appropriately to him.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:04 PM
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I am a stepmom. I didn't directly discipline her but I would heavily influence my husband. He felt guilty he wasn't married to her mother and she had it pretty rough before she came to live with us. He swung way too permissive and allowed her to be put in dangerous situations. I didn't have any of that guilt blinding me so I saw the situation for what it was. A stepparent can be an asset. Just make sure it is united and it comes from you.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:06 PM
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I will respectfully bow out and will pray for the best for you and your little one. Apologies if I offended you. Hugs and prayers.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:06 PM
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Go ahead with the party! I think birthdays and Christmas are two special days that children can always earn. Make it so she can earn it. You can ground her the next day (lol) but go forward with the party!
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:15 PM
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Originally Posted by silentrun View Post
I am a stepmom. I didn't directly discipline her but I would heavily influence my husband. He felt guilty he wasn't married to her mother and she had it pretty rough before she came to live with us. He swung way too permissive and allowed her to be put in dangerous situations. I didn't have any of that guilt blinding me so I saw the situation for what it was. A stepparent can be an asset. Just make sure it is united and it comes from you.
I will second that. Especially the part about it coming from you And NOW I will shut up!
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:15 PM
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We changed the date from Friday to May 15th so she has time to earn it back. It was the only compromise that made sense so he did not feel like I was disregarding his feelings on it. I would have just went through with the party, and took her laptop, and cartoons away, but it really is his call since it is his present to her. At least now she will get to go. I hope she can be good until then, because I really want to take her. This is my first year getting to do whatever I want with her for her birthday, and I just want to make it special. Tomorrow for her actual birthday my family, and his are coming over for dinner, presents, and cake, so she gets that.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:19 PM
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I suggest a white board chart or sticker chart. Ten moments of catching her being good and she earns it. I think that changing the date was an excellent idea.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:20 PM
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Also, I read what Ali quotes and I did mess up there. When she asked if she got to go, and he said no she asked me, because she thinks I can over ride his decision. I told her it was his present to her so his choice. I should have just told her no, and not put him on the spot, or made him be the bad guy. I am new to this, and I am still learning. I do my best, but I still have a lot to learn.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:22 PM
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Melindaflowers I think the stickers are an excellent idea. They use stickers at school, and 5 stickers gets her something from the treat jar, and she has only not got a sticker 2 times all year. I will have to pick up a board and stickers tomorrow
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:38 PM
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Keep doing the best you can do. I give you kuddos for asking for support and ideas. Children can be difficult. That is an understatement. PM me anytime you need to talk.
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:56 PM
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Thank you everybody for the advice. Ali2013 thank you, and I may have to take you up on that. Also thanks for not being judgmental. I was nervous I would get more hateful posts than advice being that I had lost her for so long. I am really glad I joined SR. It happened to be the first site that came up on google, but I have spent hours on here everyday, and I do not think I would be doing so well the past 10 days without the support I get here. This site and all of you are a godsend
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:12 PM
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Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
Thank you everybody for the advice. Ali2013 thank you, and I may have to take you up on that. Also thanks for not being judgmental. I was nervous I would get more hateful posts than advice being that I had lost her for so long. I am really glad I joined SR. It happened to be the first site that came up on google, but I have spent hours on here everyday, and I do not think I would be doing so well the past 10 days without the support I get here. This site and all of you are a godsend
Child, I am sorry if I sounded judgmental. I probably did. Having a bad day myself. But we are all here because we are addicts. Please feel free to PM at any time. I don't judge you. I have to get the log out of my eye before I can take the twig out of yours. Make sense?
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:16 PM
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It is fine Ali. I have said so many things that have came off in a different way than I meant them to be. And yes I understand what you are saying about getting the log out your eye. I will have to remember that actually. I sometimes tend to do the same thing.
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:23 PM
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Maybe try putting her on a demerit system. Write up two lists -- one of tasks / chores she can do to gain points, and one of bad behaviour which causes her to lose points. Maybe use a jar of marbles to keep track of the points, or something.

Start her off at say 10 points. If she gets up to say 30 points, she gets a reward of some kind (eg. pizza & movie, or allowed a sleepover, or whatever). If she drops to below 0 points, something gets taken away (laptop, bike, bedtime gets earlier, whatever) until she earns it back.

I don't know, I'm not a parent, but just an idea. Sounds like she's testing you, and seeing what she can get away with (it sounds like quite a bit). She needs to know you're boss.
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:30 PM
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I do think it is a test. She was used to getting away with more at my sisters. I think she is testing the limits here. Also, she is not used to the word no so that just sets her off. She was told she could not open a present early, and that was what made her be so out of control last night. I am hoping after she sees we mean what we say here she will act accordingly.But I do think a system to where she can see exactly what is expected of her, and what happens when she is good/bad would help her to understand the rules better.
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Old 04-29-2015, 07:05 PM
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A birthday party is a celebration. I wouldn't cancel it.

I would limit any gifts. Maybe keep them as things to earn when she is able to earn them, using some kind of behavior chart and stars. She earns so many stars, then she earns part of a bike. Keep doing this until she earns the entire bike (use a picture and cut into a simple puzzle, so she can earn each part, which means good behavior over a period of time).

Counseling seems to be in order here, too.

private email for a better description of this behavior/reward plan.

Praise her when she behaves, limit even negative attention for unruly tantrums/behavior. Children receive something even from negative consequences, even if it's negative attention. Again, praise the positives all of the time!!!
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Old 04-29-2015, 07:28 PM
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One thing I have found is our children want our attention far more than the gifts or toys. My daughter is the same age as yours. She will be 7 in June. She wants mommy. Her worst behavior is when I am not giving her attention. You said she quiets down with the screaming fits when you spend time comforting her (unless I misread that) and then soon acts up when it's over. Maybe try spontaneous cuddling or attention when she is being good. Ignore the screaming fits. My daughter used to do that but stopped after I walked away until she was calmer.

Do you read to her at bedtime? I try with my daughter but it doesn't always work out. I do, however, read to my 9 year old son in bed every night. I started because he was really difficult to settle at bedtime. It's fantastic bonding time. He wouldn't now miss it for the world. Biggest punishment? If you don't settle and get in bed, no reading tonight. And I follow through. In a year or so he's only missed a night or two.

You've had your daughter for a year now. Consistency is important. And I'd say counseling is a great idea. She may have a lot of anger and confusion bottled up that she just doesn't know how to handle.

Hang in there. I'd say do the party.
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Old 04-29-2015, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by amandamarie View Post
Melindaflowers I think the stickers are an excellent idea. They use stickers at school, and 5 stickers gets her something from the treat jar, and she has only not got a sticker 2 times all year. I will have to pick up a board and stickers tomorrow
Dollar tree! The chart could even be a piece of white copy paper! Lol
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Old 04-30-2015, 02:15 AM
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Not sure if I should say this, but you know the time for action is NOW, right? You can't put this off. You can't wait until she's 13 or 14, because then it'll be too late. You have to take action, and ensure those seeds get planted NOW, or else you're in for one heck of a roller coaster once she becomes a teenager. I've seen it happen before. Sticker boards or marble jars don't work on 14 year olds.
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