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Will my kids forgive me?

Old 04-28-2015, 03:36 PM
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Will my kids forgive me?

Hi it's me again. I have so much guilt. I have 3 teenagers and I KNOW they know what's been going on this past year (my drinking) since my relapse after several years of sobriety. I took a walk with my oldest son today and we talked. I told him I was working on my drinking problem and I'm sorry.

I know "I'm sorry" really means nothing coming from an alcoholic (the proof is in the pudding) but I just wanted my oldest son to know that everything is going to be ok.

If I stay sober one day at a time, will my kids heal and forgive me??? Does anyone have kids who were teenagers when they got sober?

The first time I got sober they were 9,7 & 5 so they didn't know what was going on. I feel like such a horrible mom and wife. It's the SHAME that is dangerous for me because it can lead to relapse.

BTW, Thank you so much for all of your help yesterday and today with my other post. I read and re-read all of the posts and they gave me so much clarity. God Bless you all!
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Old 04-28-2015, 03:40 PM
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My girls were teens when I was drinking and then finally got sober. Our relationships are stronger than ever and I have their respect again.
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Old 04-28-2015, 03:42 PM
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Hi Serenidad

I don; think anyone can give you any guarantees - but the sooner you get yourself back into secure lasting recovery the sooner any wounds can start to heal?

Not many people really remember me the way I used to be.
I was lucky to be forgiven by all but one or two people.

D
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Old 04-28-2015, 03:52 PM
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If you stay sober you definitley have a chance at it...keep making it your priority.
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Old 04-28-2015, 03:53 PM
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I began drinking when my daughter was 16 and my son 19 and it lasted for about 3 years. And, like you I said 'sorry' so many times, I finally stopped saying it and just let my actions speak. My daughter was absolutely furious with me and didn't really speak to me for awhile. My son was more understanding and forgiving. In the last almost 15 years I have done everything I possibly could to be there in every way possible for my children. We all have very good relationships now. When my daughter had her first child (my first grandchild), I was the one she chose to look after him the first time she had to go out. Serenidad, there will be hope if you work on it today and every day.
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:01 PM
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(((serenidad)))

I know how you feel and so do many moms at SR, if that helps. My 12-year-old is very worried about my addiction. He has slowly been trusting me again. I will never betray him again. I made a promise and after my last slip, I realize I don't have many more chances. The guilt always became a vicious circle for me, too.

It has been two weeks since my slip. I started abstinence on the 15th of last month. Things have been improving with my son, slowly but surely. He has not been angry, just worried and scared. It feels pretty awful as a mom to be in this position and not be 'there' for your kids.

Stick to your sobriety plan and the mom stuff will fall in place. Believe it or not, kids don't hate their parents if they aren't perfect. Kids need to know you love them most of all.
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:11 PM
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I believe how you live your life from this day forward will be more powerful than any baggage from your past. And as time passes the memory from years ago starts to fade.

Unless you've done something horrible like kill someone in a drunk driving accident, you will probably be surprised by how much is "forgiven and forgotten" as time marches on.
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:30 PM
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I agree with Dee. IMHO, you should focus your energy on developing a program that can lead to long term sobriety. Everything else will fall into place exactly as it is supposed to.
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:40 PM
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Hi Serenidad what you just described was my childhood...

My mum entered recovery when i was young around 7 i remember my mum drunk i remember my mum sober i think she relapsed a couple times over 25 years but in the end my mum died sober i loved my mum so much if she was drinking i was scared as my dad drunk too my mum knew it was having an effect on all of us and my mum broke the chains while my dad drank to oblivion in the next room but he wasnt alcoholic (not in his eyes hes got a gift pffft)

My mums last stint of sobriety was over 10 years she died 5 years ago i was 27

Each one of my brothers & sisters are all in recovery i wish she could see this from earth rather than heaven


I cant stress how much i love my mum and i 10,000% think your kids will be the same

Serenidad its a case of not drinking no matter what accepting that saved your life once

Time to do it again (((((Serenidad)))))
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:52 PM
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Serenidad

The short answer:yes

The slightly longer answer is it will take time. So, you will need to be patient. My view is that they will judge you by your actions and not your words. I have 3 teenage daughters who suffered my drinking and all the terrible acts that came with it. Some were truly deplorable and plain disgusting. My girls, particularly my oldest girl, actively disliked me and likely viewed me with scorn. I had posted elsewhere that on my birthday recently, my oldest girl said she loved me. I cant remember the last time she said that (probably when she was little). My other girls gave a hilarious and loving speech on my birthday.

The greatest gifts I have ever received.

So, pluck up your courage and keep strong Serenidad ! You will be rewarded ever so richly !!
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Old 04-28-2015, 06:17 PM
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I love you guys so much! I feel so much better....you gave me hope. Thank you so much.

It's the shame that often gets me. It's so crazy because I have shame because of my drinking and then drink to not feel the shame...rinse and repeat.

I love my kids so much and I will continue on my journey of sobriety because they deserve it and so do I!

God Bless you guys. You're comments were so kind and loving and that what I needed. Xo
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Old 04-28-2015, 08:03 PM
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I have kids too and no matter how well I'm doing or they are doing there is always this feeling and this guilt that I could be doing more or maybe I haven't done enough.... this constant never ending feeling like I should be more involved, more successful, have a bigger better cleaner house, they should have more friends, more activities, a better diet, etc etc.

I think all moms have these fears. However us moms who drink have different fears. What did I say last night? How will I fit in with the other moms who have no idea that I drink and they CAN NEVER KNOW! I forgot about ....... activity or I'm too drunk/ hungover for ..... activity. Maybe my child needed me in a moment and I was not there for them because I was too busy in my addiction.

We can look at other parents who don't drink but are workaholics or over eaters or narcissists or ..... whatever.

And then ask ourselves no matter what our shortcomings are. Did and do we love our children and do the best we could?

I know that I may not have always been the best person and mother I could be but even if I didn't do it all right, I certainly didn't do it all wrong! I did most of it right.
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Old 04-28-2015, 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by zenchaser View Post
I have kids too and no matter how well I'm doing or they are doing there is always this feeling and this guilt that I could be doing more or maybe I haven't done enough.... this constant never ending feeling like I should be more involved, more successful, have a bigger better cleaner house, they should have more friends, more activities, a better diet, etc etc. I think all moms have these fears. However us moms who drink have different fears. What did I say last night? How will I fit in with the other moms who have no idea that I drink and they CAN NEVER KNOW! I forgot about ....... activity or I'm too drunk/ hungover for ..... activity. Maybe my child needed me in a moment and I was not there for them because I was too busy in my addiction. We can look at other parents who don't drink but are workaholics or over eaters or narcissists or ..... whatever. And then ask ourselves no matter what our shortcomings are. Did and do we love our children and do the best we could? I know that I may not have always been the best person and mother I could be but even if I didn't do it all right, I certainly didn't do it all wrong! I did most of it right.
We said Zen! You're right, no mother is perfect and we all just try our best. :-) Thank you for your reply.
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by zenchaser View Post
I have kids too and no matter how well I'm doing or they are doing there is always this feeling and this guilt that I could be doing more or maybe I haven't done enough.... this constant never ending feeling like I should be more involved, more successful, have a bigger better cleaner house, they should have more friends, more activities, a better diet, etc etc.

I think all moms have these fears. However us moms who drink have different fears. What did I say last night? How will I fit in with the other moms who have no idea that I drink and they CAN NEVER KNOW! I forgot about ....... activity or I'm too drunk/ hungover for ..... activity. Maybe my child needed me in a moment and I was not there for them because I was too busy in my addiction.

We can look at other parents who don't drink but are workaholics or over eaters or narcissists or ..... whatever.

And then ask ourselves no matter what our shortcomings are. Did and do we love our children and do the best we could?

I know that I may not have always been the best person and mother I could be but even if I didn't do it all right, I certainly didn't do it all wrong! I did most of it right.
Needed to hear this more than you know. I've got about 8 1/2 months sober but the mother guilt still rears it's ugly head. I don't think this is exclusive to drinking.

I've been beating myself recently up over an issue my daughter is going thru. I have to remember I'm doing the best I can & probably better than I think...we all are. I just have to trust that I'm doing more good than bad. By choosing sobriety each day my kids are a hell of a lot better off than they were 8 1/2 months ago.

Each day you chose sobriety yours are too, Serenidad.
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Old 04-28-2015, 09:33 PM
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Originally Posted by HeartsAfire View Post
Needed to hear this more than you know. I've got about 8 1/2 months sober but the mother guilt still rears it's ugly head. I don't think this is exclusive to drinking. I've been beating myself recently up over an issue my daughter is going thru. I have to remember I'm doing the best I can & probably better than I think...we all are. I just have to trust that I'm doing more good than bad. By choosing sobriety each day my kids are a hell of a lot better off than they were 8 1/2 months ago. Each day you chose sobriety yours are too, Serenidad.
Thanks heartsafire. The fact that you are on here posting about it tells me that you are a great mom & love your kids very much.
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Old 04-28-2015, 10:29 PM
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Thank you, Serenidad for starting this thread. This has been therapeutic for all of us.

Zenchaser, you nailed it. That could've been me saying that.
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Old 04-28-2015, 10:36 PM
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My dad beat me, starved me, and locked me in closets when he was drinking. He drank until me and my three siblings were put in foster care and we lived the rest of our childhood in a group home.

I still say "I love you" on the phone, and he gets to see his grandkid every now and then.

Probably not the most upbeat post on this thread.

Oh yeah and I forgave him.

Last edited by justinJustQuit; 04-28-2015 at 10:38 PM. Reason: Didn't answer the question.
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Old 04-29-2015, 12:21 AM
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Thats a brilliant post MrJustin forgiveness is very powerful im sorry that happened
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Old 04-29-2015, 02:30 AM
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Drinking drove a wedge between me and my father. We talk when I visit my parents but the conversation is strained and forced. He's good with my kids but our relationship is unlikely to improve above cordial.

My sister though gets along much better with him though so I guess the answer is ymmv.
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Old 04-29-2015, 03:03 AM
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Let's put it this way; what chance do you have of earning their respect if you don't stop drinking? The stakes are high.
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