People Who Trigger
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hey there Stratman,
I have only had spotty phone access for quite a few days now and could not see that you asked me a question! Alas, I am blissfully immersed in wi-fi at the moment.
Love, peace, and harmony?
¿Or am I'm being silly now
Are they just lofty ideals? Stratman, how do you experience love? How do you know that you are in the presence of love? Peace? What does harmony feel like? How valuable is it for you to have faith in something? To have faith in yourself? Are you hopeful in general? Do you feel hopeful for something today? Hopeful for what and why? When you visualize happiness, what does it look like? Is anyone else there with you or are you happy with yourself, alone?
No two people will answer these questions in exactly the same way. Lofty, silly? Not to me. Not to anyone who is graced by your presence, Stratman, even just standing next to you in line at the grocery store.
What do you want? is not a trick question or an indictment. No one will argue that you were done wrong and still are in many ways. Do you owe these people your life? Not just yesterday and today but tomorrow as well? What do you want and how are you going to get there?
It is obvious since you have come to SR that your pilot light is lit, Stratman (You're a good man, Charlie Brown!
) What is your essence? Who are you?
Hah, hah! How's that for answering a question with a question? That is a start.
I have only had spotty phone access for quite a few days now and could not see that you asked me a question! Alas, I am blissfully immersed in wi-fi at the moment.
Originally Posted by Stratman1 
Love, peace, and harmony?
¿Or am I'm being silly now
Are they just lofty ideals?
No two people will answer these questions in exactly the same way. Lofty, silly? Not to me. Not to anyone who is graced by your presence, Stratman, even just standing next to you in line at the grocery store.
What do you want? is not a trick question or an indictment. No one will argue that you were done wrong and still are in many ways. Do you owe these people your life? Not just yesterday and today but tomorrow as well? What do you want and how are you going to get there?
It is obvious since you have come to SR that your pilot light is lit, Stratman (You're a good man, Charlie Brown!
) What is your essence? Who are you? Hah, hah! How's that for answering a question with a question? That is a start.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
Note to Dee: There was a woman on the bus this morning, sitting across from me, and reading The Shack. At one point, she removed her eyeglasses in order to wipe away her tears. She struggled for a bit, and then slid the book back into her bag.
For me, that was a ringing endorsement for the book, maybe even the impetus for my posting on this thread today.
For me, that was a ringing endorsement for the book, maybe even the impetus for my posting on this thread today.
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Originally Posted by Verte
How's that for answering a question with a question? That is a start.
The other lads totally rubbished it but I had an open mind, superficially at least. It took me a good 5 years to understand that yeah, that has some value.
I'm not as quick as people assume (I think). I'l have to get back to you on those! Cheered me up some. I want to reply to strategery like I was going to earlier
Originally Posted by strategery
I think Verte wants you to have some more concrete ideas of what you want out of life, although I could be wrong. Do you see a partner? What kind of job do you see yourself doing? Do you want kids or no kids? Where do you want to live? Sometimes by being able to see what we want, we can start taking action to make those things occur.
(most of it of my own doing I eventually reconciled with the aid of some self help books and my own self determination but really, for me it was quite a severe time). Now to answer your questions
Ok, no I'm not seeing anyone at the minute! I haven't had sex in 2 years, but that was 4 before so no big deal there (true though). Used to be sex mad when I was younger mind, yeah so whatever.
Now there is a good question too. I have had a wide spectrum of jobs, I been out working since I was 12 actually. I don't know really, nothing pure dodge or chaotic anyway, that is no way to live.
My best mate from school turned out to be a successful drug dealer. The biggest difference between us is that he appreciated the money more than the drugs for the most part. Mainly weed.
I have kids. Not gonna make a pity party here but I will say this. Being a single father has been nothing short of heartbreaking for me. And that is no joke. Its neither single, nor is it a father truth be told.
Said mate tried to convince me ' I had the best of both worlds' whereas nothing could be further from truth. He was just thinking well hey wouldn't it be great to be able to wake and bake for a few days.
Watching conspiracy documentaries alone without having to spin the missus to work and collect the kids in the afternoon. I'm sure he might trade his life of domestic bliss (and luxury) for a day or two.
But how long I wonder? Would anyone else here? He wouldn't trade his life for mine for an hour now, I know that much. Anyway just saying, it is what it is. My point is that was just his opinion.
He doesn't know that the carrot keeping me going in the distance all my life was the house, the car, the wife, the kids, an average existence perhaps. (he betrayed me too but thats another story)
Thats what I was working towards, it was all on course and then suddenly but slowly it didn't work out. The fault doesn't lie anywhere, it just means I have no idea what to expect from life anymore.
Sorry guys.
The last bit, where do I want to live? Well, in pragmatic terms given all I've said already I thought a long time ago that was/going to be the biggest problem facing me in life.
Anywhere at all where I could live in harmony with my own values, minding my business and practicing my music in peace. That was always the mission, and I do mean always.
Like when I was in a long term relationship, we were supposed to be getting married and she wanted a house like this and that etc so I thought my little dream might be relegated to a mancave but that was fine.
Now since I am going to be well and truly alone at best things seem so impossible to achieve. This situation here of me doing nothing and living in a tiny room is probably the most peaceful I have ever been.
Although it is at the expense of all the other things I mentioned earlier in the thread (love, peace, harmony - faith, hope, happiness) but thats what I have always found.
I can for some reason only acquire one at a time, no sooner do I try to gain another but I lose the one I have. I dunno, it's kinda weird. Ok so, just saying I suppose
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I wouldn't discount yourself in being able to get the life you were seeking. As you pointed out, sometimes things just don't work out the way you expect, but nothing is set in stone either for the rest of your life. You're still young and can do many things.
Sometimes things are what they are, but you still have power to change certain situations (career, looking for a partner, etc) like what Haennie so eloquently wrote. I am sure it is a bit complicated with kids, but it can be done.
Sometimes things are what they are, but you still have power to change certain situations (career, looking for a partner, etc) like what Haennie so eloquently wrote. I am sure it is a bit complicated with kids, but it can be done.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,785
Originally Posted by Stratman1
In my experience things never work out the way I expect. I don't expect anything now.
Thanks anyway. Have not slept much lately, I'm going to try to reply to haennie today.
Thanks anyway. Have not slept much lately, I'm going to try to reply to haennie today.
I completely understand Strat.
I've been in the same boat in a particular aspect of my life in terms of working really hard only to get paid back in horrible ways. I am dealing with this now and trying to figure out what I am going to do, so know you're not alone. I can understand why you do it. I did it since if I didn't get my hopes up, it isn't soul crushing when things don't work out. I've had that happen many times.
However, if you don't change things, you have to accept things for what they are. Ultimately, I couldn't do that. I may end up getting stomped on again, but I am not going to take things lying down this time either.
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Hi and thanks for the comment. But we are on totally different wavelengths, and some of your assertions are way off somehow so I have to reply
It's true that I have no idea of what life can be now. I'm not gonna lie about that, or anything else here. You said yourself in another thread (paraphrasing) we can begin to heal when we are honest about what has caused us pain, and only then. Which I wanted to actually ask you about but I didn't want to appear rude in someone else's thread. I have lost a lost a lot man. All relationships, wether helpful or not. My life savings/pension fund I payed into, not cool. All my worldly possessions and the like.
Do I care about about anything? You seem to think I don't, a lad on the other page said I care too much. I don't actually know. What I do know, it's not true that the only thing I care about is 'people who trigger', or situations, or stress in general but thats what this thread was about.There were lots of other situations too in my life I couldn't handle and drank/self medicated the stress and sometimes to oblivion. I'm unlikely unique in that. I have other threads too, and I make contributions in all the sub forums. I am totally new here to recovery in any form.
This bit is I'm sorry to say almost all completely untrue. I don't think you have ever commented on one of my comments concerning my family situation, I'm opening up about it here for the very first time. I could have opted to do that +15 years ago but I didn't, I chose to save face for my parents.To protect the guilty if you will and I am sorry now I didn't. It was likely a huge opportunity for growth missed. You do not know my family history man. A lot went on (and still does) and I spent most of my life helping to maintain the false image out of loyalty, but I am not going to do that here. The police even said they had to break my parents apart or someone was going to be murdered with certainty. (what they meant was either my father was going to kill my mother. Or me. Or I was going to kill my father according to them). All I know is that I was still a kid at the time.
I never once raged about the mothers of my kids I believe, if you are referring to the 'rage guy' clip then look again (it was supposed to be slightly humorous also, the clip that is).I never raged against the legal system. I think what I said was, its the first time I have ever tried to access that system. I was coaxed into it by family friends and acquaintances, I know many people who have been through the same thing. It was supposed to be straightforward but it wasn't, and I feel completely demoralized and disenfranchised by the process.It is true that I am neglecting my own growth, but thats been happening for the better part of 20 year's. Although I have always fought for it also. Maybe I'm just not fighting for it anymore? I need to figure this out.
Last but not least: Nowhere not once, in over a thousand posts have I said or even slightly alluded to 'exacting revenge' on anyone. Man wtf? It's like you are casting me in the lead role of that film 'Minority Report' with those type of comments. A movie I have not seen, yet I do think of the reference sometimes. The local cops know I'm a pacifist (remember what I said earlier) and yet I should not have to explain myself for things that never happened or weren't even said I feel :/ Even still if I did elect to say 'I am raging about x & y', that's a common term here which means annoyed or unhappy. And still again, this is the internet not IRL although I would not even troll on a recovery site
I agree with most everything you said here except for the last bit. I don't know where I'm going either. I'm just trying to relate my experiences in life as honestly as I can, something I am particularly bad at. I'm here for help and support, it's a new thing for me. I take it you mean 'Faith hope and happiness' when you say I'm convincing myself about what I do not know. Actually, it's the title of a song but of course I know what they mean. If you would have asked me for a definition though 10 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to give you anything solid. I have been trying to find out what they mean, I have been trying to learn about that. Let alone how to live by them. The way I was raised there was no spirituality whatsoever, feelings didn't exist and anything like that was rubbished. There was no family life or even bonding. There was a good facade is all.At the best of times it was oppressive and quite nasty but most of the time it was 24/7 psychological and emotional torture according to some professionals. I'm not well versed in any of the things I mentioned, they practically did not exist to me up until a few years ago (the other 3 are from also btw).
I do not really know what I can or cannot do, I'm tentatively trying to learn about that here too. I have been so wrong and foolish along the way. Thought I was on the right path a few times,I was totally wrong. I have a distinct habit and pattern of saying almost the exact opposite of what I mean at times and usually when it matters most (drink related). I think it has something to do with suppressing my feelings. I'm working on this, I'm examining my life on here in so many different ways I never even knew about and I would not be able to do this IRL even now (sober). I'm scared of any genuine connection with people for the most part.I have been mostly caning it for near 20 years and copying other people in nearly all aspects. Increasingly acting on a whim and blocking out any negative vibes or feels with alcohol along the way. This sober craic is completely new to me. I knew well it wasn't going to be great.I'm trying to learn something here, however it comes across I dunno but it's not rage. Your comment I think is what kept me awake last night. Just lying there, confused with no real train of thought. Well anyway look, thanks. But please, stop judging me.
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
From what I can see, you've come to a place in your life where you don't care anymore, where you've lost sight of what life can be for you. It's as though you believe that if you stay perfectly still, everything will get better. The only thing you seem to care about (and I'm not sure that this is caring at all), is your conflicts with the "people who've triggered you." It takes balls to care, since taking the risk to care means that we now have something to lose. Is there nothing else in life that you're afraid of losing besides your apparently self-destructive fight?
Do I care about about anything? You seem to think I don't, a lad on the other page said I care too much. I don't actually know. What I do know, it's not true that the only thing I care about is 'people who trigger', or situations, or stress in general but thats what this thread was about.There were lots of other situations too in my life I couldn't handle and drank/self medicated the stress and sometimes to oblivion. I'm unlikely unique in that. I have other threads too, and I make contributions in all the sub forums. I am totally new here to recovery in any form.
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
Instead, you rage against your family, the mother of your child, the legal system and the community at large. As Dee puts it (and I'm paraphrasing here), you're so busy strangling all these monsters -- keeping your hands around their throats -- that you've neglected your own growth, your own need for love, both giving and receiving, and your own sense of purpose in life beyond exacting revenge upon those who've victimized you.
I never once raged about the mothers of my kids I believe, if you are referring to the 'rage guy' clip then look again (it was supposed to be slightly humorous also, the clip that is).I never raged against the legal system. I think what I said was, its the first time I have ever tried to access that system. I was coaxed into it by family friends and acquaintances, I know many people who have been through the same thing. It was supposed to be straightforward but it wasn't, and I feel completely demoralized and disenfranchised by the process.It is true that I am neglecting my own growth, but thats been happening for the better part of 20 year's. Although I have always fought for it also. Maybe I'm just not fighting for it anymore? I need to figure this out.
Last but not least: Nowhere not once, in over a thousand posts have I said or even slightly alluded to 'exacting revenge' on anyone. Man wtf? It's like you are casting me in the lead role of that film 'Minority Report' with those type of comments. A movie I have not seen, yet I do think of the reference sometimes. The local cops know I'm a pacifist (remember what I said earlier) and yet I should not have to explain myself for things that never happened or weren't even said I feel :/ Even still if I did elect to say 'I am raging about x & y', that's a common term here which means annoyed or unhappy. And still again, this is the internet not IRL although I would not even troll on a recovery site
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
You gotta start somewhere, man. Life continues to fly by, with seemingly increasing acceleration, even when we're not doing a whole lot. What will life be for you if you're in the same position as you are now, five, ten or even just one year from now?
Among the most heartbreaking moments in my life -- and I've learned to also be grateful that I've had them -- is when working with people approaching, in or past middle age who can then only weep that they threw away their lives in favor of nurturing some resentment, had grown to be too fearful, and ultimately bitter, to even consider that things such as peace of mind, love and meaning in life were at all possible for them, or who had indulged their anxiety, depression or obsessions so willfully that they only recently discovered that all they were doing was keeping the living of their own lives at a "safe" (tolerable) distance.
I got no joy or pleasure from writing my comments. I have no stake in your misery. There are many other things I could have attended to with my time. As many have commented, only you can make a difference in your own life. But as long as you continue to use those who've victimized you as the point of reference in your life, and continue to convince yourself about what you do not know and what you cannot do, then I don't get where you're going with all this.
Among the most heartbreaking moments in my life -- and I've learned to also be grateful that I've had them -- is when working with people approaching, in or past middle age who can then only weep that they threw away their lives in favor of nurturing some resentment, had grown to be too fearful, and ultimately bitter, to even consider that things such as peace of mind, love and meaning in life were at all possible for them, or who had indulged their anxiety, depression or obsessions so willfully that they only recently discovered that all they were doing was keeping the living of their own lives at a "safe" (tolerable) distance.
I got no joy or pleasure from writing my comments. I have no stake in your misery. There are many other things I could have attended to with my time. As many have commented, only you can make a difference in your own life. But as long as you continue to use those who've victimized you as the point of reference in your life, and continue to convince yourself about what you do not know and what you cannot do, then I don't get where you're going with all this.
I do not really know what I can or cannot do, I'm tentatively trying to learn about that here too. I have been so wrong and foolish along the way. Thought I was on the right path a few times,I was totally wrong. I have a distinct habit and pattern of saying almost the exact opposite of what I mean at times and usually when it matters most (drink related). I think it has something to do with suppressing my feelings. I'm working on this, I'm examining my life on here in so many different ways I never even knew about and I would not be able to do this IRL even now (sober). I'm scared of any genuine connection with people for the most part.I have been mostly caning it for near 20 years and copying other people in nearly all aspects. Increasingly acting on a whim and blocking out any negative vibes or feels with alcohol along the way. This sober craic is completely new to me. I knew well it wasn't going to be great.I'm trying to learn something here, however it comes across I dunno but it's not rage. Your comment I think is what kept me awake last night. Just lying there, confused with no real train of thought. Well anyway look, thanks. But please, stop judging me.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Hi again.
Just something quickly now. I actually think that you are underestimating yourself and don't give yourself credit for what you have indeed achieved in your life and in your recovery so far. I mean... man, when did you come to this board? Last December... and you have apparently remained sober since, without a relapse... if this is the case, I don't think anybody can say you are not doing anything at all to get to a better place. If this is true, please don't let anyone devalue your progress, this includes your family, the legal system, or even people on SR. Some of us progress quickly, others more slowly, but the truth is, probably no one moves forward with recovery and with creating a better life in a steady pace. Instead of focusing on what is not there, move to the next constructive stage, then you will have new positive things to report.
Also, please don't get so hung up on what people say -- some may have bad intentions, others just a passionately expressed good will -- in the end of the day, it's only you who can choose what is best for you, and walk the steps to make it happen. Like we often say: take what's useful and leave the rest.
Best wishes
Just something quickly now. I actually think that you are underestimating yourself and don't give yourself credit for what you have indeed achieved in your life and in your recovery so far. I mean... man, when did you come to this board? Last December... and you have apparently remained sober since, without a relapse... if this is the case, I don't think anybody can say you are not doing anything at all to get to a better place. If this is true, please don't let anyone devalue your progress, this includes your family, the legal system, or even people on SR. Some of us progress quickly, others more slowly, but the truth is, probably no one moves forward with recovery and with creating a better life in a steady pace. Instead of focusing on what is not there, move to the next constructive stage, then you will have new positive things to report.
Also, please don't get so hung up on what people say -- some may have bad intentions, others just a passionately expressed good will -- in the end of the day, it's only you who can choose what is best for you, and walk the steps to make it happen. Like we often say: take what's useful and leave the rest.
Best wishes
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hey there Strat,
What's up?
Try not to wail on yourself. You are sober and seriously doing an amazing job in life despite not feeling so hot about it. That's just my opinion from the little that I know based on what you have shared. I still need to read a page in a recent thread of yours in ACoA.
Yesterday while I was working I was thinking about you and your sober journey thus far. You are squeezing the life out of your experience to get to your truth...Not your mom's, others' but yours. This is amazing and something that I value tremendously in life.
Everyone has a story. Your story is not and never will be anyone else's. So while I know there has been struggle, strife and pain in your life recently - you are not accepting the version of events from anyone else's perspective but yours.
The only way a person can arrive at their own truth is to put it all out there. Sift, sort, examine, redact, cry, laugh...a process that is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of work. In my experience, when a parent insists on their version of life as the only acceptable version...well, this is an enormous source of extra painstaking work to arrive at peace and truth for a kid of any age.
From what I have seen, you are in the thick of it. A journey such as this deserves a blue ribbon because with persistence you will slowly find your truth and peace. What does it feel like to be in the presence of someone at peace with themselves and their story? I wish this for you Stratman and I smile because you are doing it!
Well, I thought about just sending you a PM with this because it is in the 'touchy-feely' realm. You do not appear to shy away from others' opinions and accept/reject what you will - what I see as absolute fabulous for the journey that you are on. Please tell me if I have overstepped or blasted off into outer space. My intention is not to make your day more difficult.
What do you want from your journey Stratman? What are your goals in dissecting the events from the past that have deeply hurt and affected you? Do you have hope of being from from others' toxic versions of your life?
What's up?
Try not to wail on yourself. You are sober and seriously doing an amazing job in life despite not feeling so hot about it. That's just my opinion from the little that I know based on what you have shared. I still need to read a page in a recent thread of yours in ACoA.
Yesterday while I was working I was thinking about you and your sober journey thus far. You are squeezing the life out of your experience to get to your truth...Not your mom's, others' but yours. This is amazing and something that I value tremendously in life.
Everyone has a story. Your story is not and never will be anyone else's. So while I know there has been struggle, strife and pain in your life recently - you are not accepting the version of events from anyone else's perspective but yours.
The only way a person can arrive at their own truth is to put it all out there. Sift, sort, examine, redact, cry, laugh...a process that is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of work. In my experience, when a parent insists on their version of life as the only acceptable version...well, this is an enormous source of extra painstaking work to arrive at peace and truth for a kid of any age.
From what I have seen, you are in the thick of it. A journey such as this deserves a blue ribbon because with persistence you will slowly find your truth and peace. What does it feel like to be in the presence of someone at peace with themselves and their story? I wish this for you Stratman and I smile because you are doing it!
Well, I thought about just sending you a PM with this because it is in the 'touchy-feely' realm. You do not appear to shy away from others' opinions and accept/reject what you will - what I see as absolute fabulous for the journey that you are on. Please tell me if I have overstepped or blasted off into outer space. My intention is not to make your day more difficult.
What do you want from your journey Stratman? What are your goals in dissecting the events from the past that have deeply hurt and affected you? Do you have hope of being from from others' toxic versions of your life?
Originally Posted by Stratman1
Hey guys thanks. Have been completely wailing on myself since for the past 24 hours. I dunno is there any value in that. I do it way too much.
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Hey Strat, I'm sitting in a conference session trying to listen to a boring talk and for some reason my mind keeps coming back to this thread of yours.
Here is a tip, if you wanna play, and have a break from self-flagellation
You like to dig into your mind and events that affect you now. You seem to often have clearly distinct reactions to different posts to you, or different people that post to you. And you don't seem to be afraid of analyzing and articulating your reactions in detail. Have you thought about what might be behind these targeted reactions? What are you reacting to when you respond to posts on threads like this (here, or privately)? Just food for thought.
Here is a tip, if you wanna play, and have a break from self-flagellation
You like to dig into your mind and events that affect you now. You seem to often have clearly distinct reactions to different posts to you, or different people that post to you. And you don't seem to be afraid of analyzing and articulating your reactions in detail. Have you thought about what might be behind these targeted reactions? What are you reacting to when you respond to posts on threads like this (here, or privately)? Just food for thought.
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Hey guy's. Well then you must be bored. Self flagellation, that's the one. I'm brutal for it, even when things would appear to be going well in life. It's one of my biggest problems historically. To answer your question, and I didn't have to think about it- I'm reacting to being judged. Not just here, IRL as well. Because based on what? I have kept my true feelings well hidden and things that went on secret for all of my life so it's not that. Testimonies from other people? Both my parents are known manipulative and dangerous liars, my mother in the extreme now towards me but both would do anything to paint themselves in a more positive light or as a victims of some kind (while at the same time accepting no responsibility for their own vast litany of failures) which is the very same thing I have been resisting. My long term ex partner? A compulsive liar by her own admission, definitely narcisstic and again in the cold light of day would say anything to make herself appear superior/absolved- this has been proven beyond a doubt and was one of the biggest shocks in my life. My so called best mate from school? I've always been loyal to him, and he has always regarded me as his last and only hope when **** hits the fan, which he has relied on me for many times. However, unfortunately we are not the same. He is a crook of the highest order tbh, I'm not. It's true that he was trying to help me along at one point, but only with a view to profiting from it (is that any help really). He has always viewed me as his main competitor in many regards (all regards), and once I stopped talking to him after he cut me out of a load of legitimate business ideas that I conceptualized, I can say with certainty that he has been on a mission to blacken me at all costs because I know that is his MO.
It is anything to gain an edge or to seek vengeance with him. And no loyalty. Other mates I had when I was younger all ended up ,I hate to say jealous of me somewhat because I was with all of the pretty girls somehow. I was considered the best dj out of us and we were all into that. I did well in school sometimes. I got on easily with people from other towns and older folks. I had nice clothes and the best equipment (on a par with people from better backgrounds than me) because I always worked part time jobs and was able to command a good (adult) wage. All of that stuff was self determination by me despite all the challenges I was facing. But anyway, it seemed to be more about competition with them, always trying to cut me out of dj gigs and other transactions. I was very much aware and unhappy about it at the time. So now I regret all that stuff. I regret ever being good at anything. I regret having an open and dependable personality that people gravitated towards because it seems to have caused me more harm than good in the long run. Which is sad, because all of those are positive traits. A lesson I have learned many times over in my life now is that nobody ever, not once, has afforded me the same kind of loyalty that they have depended on me for in return. Many times! Friends and family, which is why i don't believe in either anymore. It's why I have been desperately searching for something in life that is based on those principles, wether it exists or not I do not know. (loyalty and trust, things that I have always held in highest regard but)
Anyway, I've said a lot. It's the same thing since- the doctors were judging me on my age, the pretty girlfriend factor, and probably my dress sense rather than what I was saying to them repeatedly (depressed/suicidal) up to a point. That situation with my rent supplement after I lost my job, where I spent 3 out of 4 years in an apartment fighting and appealing it while staving the landlord off on a daily basis, not knowing wether I was going to be homeless or not the following week but trying to learn meditation at the same time to get along with my ex. Let alone work through my problems, I had a toddler there every weekend and during the week, trying to hide my whearbouts from my crazy father and stuff like that. No peace. The reason they gave on paper then was that 'I didn't satisfy the conditions of being a citizen'. I.e, they thought I wasn't living there or in the country even. Guess why? Because that office was right across the road from me, and as I was isolating myself and hardly ever left the house (I was depressed, and trying to learn about meditation as I was instructed to and other spiritual principles)and they hardly ever seen me about, the woman came to her conclusion that I mustn't be living there. Hence, 3 years of stress on top of my own life because of a baseless assumption, conclusion and judgement that she arrived at. It's the same point again. So from the clothes I wear (which has always been my main MO, to dress smart as a means to feeling better about myself) to the music I listen to (my main passion in life), to what I should or maybe could be doing and basically anything and everything apart from the vercissitudes of my own existence, it's all judgements (man). Ok so, that's that then. It wasn't a fun exercise but. Happy Friday, namaste.
It is anything to gain an edge or to seek vengeance with him. And no loyalty. Other mates I had when I was younger all ended up ,I hate to say jealous of me somewhat because I was with all of the pretty girls somehow. I was considered the best dj out of us and we were all into that. I did well in school sometimes. I got on easily with people from other towns and older folks. I had nice clothes and the best equipment (on a par with people from better backgrounds than me) because I always worked part time jobs and was able to command a good (adult) wage. All of that stuff was self determination by me despite all the challenges I was facing. But anyway, it seemed to be more about competition with them, always trying to cut me out of dj gigs and other transactions. I was very much aware and unhappy about it at the time. So now I regret all that stuff. I regret ever being good at anything. I regret having an open and dependable personality that people gravitated towards because it seems to have caused me more harm than good in the long run. Which is sad, because all of those are positive traits. A lesson I have learned many times over in my life now is that nobody ever, not once, has afforded me the same kind of loyalty that they have depended on me for in return. Many times! Friends and family, which is why i don't believe in either anymore. It's why I have been desperately searching for something in life that is based on those principles, wether it exists or not I do not know. (loyalty and trust, things that I have always held in highest regard but)
Anyway, I've said a lot. It's the same thing since- the doctors were judging me on my age, the pretty girlfriend factor, and probably my dress sense rather than what I was saying to them repeatedly (depressed/suicidal) up to a point. That situation with my rent supplement after I lost my job, where I spent 3 out of 4 years in an apartment fighting and appealing it while staving the landlord off on a daily basis, not knowing wether I was going to be homeless or not the following week but trying to learn meditation at the same time to get along with my ex. Let alone work through my problems, I had a toddler there every weekend and during the week, trying to hide my whearbouts from my crazy father and stuff like that. No peace. The reason they gave on paper then was that 'I didn't satisfy the conditions of being a citizen'. I.e, they thought I wasn't living there or in the country even. Guess why? Because that office was right across the road from me, and as I was isolating myself and hardly ever left the house (I was depressed, and trying to learn about meditation as I was instructed to and other spiritual principles)and they hardly ever seen me about, the woman came to her conclusion that I mustn't be living there. Hence, 3 years of stress on top of my own life because of a baseless assumption, conclusion and judgement that she arrived at. It's the same point again. So from the clothes I wear (which has always been my main MO, to dress smart as a means to feeling better about myself) to the music I listen to (my main passion in life), to what I should or maybe could be doing and basically anything and everything apart from the vercissitudes of my own existence, it's all judgements (man). Ok so, that's that then. It wasn't a fun exercise but. Happy Friday, namaste.
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How about focusing on developing a more solid career in music? Perhaps with some new tools and training involved? There is so much gear and electronic tools one can get nowadays relatively cheap also, especially if you have connections. Then use your free time, and infuse your art work with your ordeals and interests. You seem to me a really good candidate for this type of transformation (pain > artistic expression and sharing), would just need to establish the basis and then do it
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I dunno haennie, that was always the dream and I used to do gigs on the local circuit and stuff. Once I became depressed thats was the end of it, I stopped going to gigs. "Sorry man I can't make it tonight". One time I had a good run for a few months and decided to try get back into it, I was crate digging, downloaded a load of software for making music etc then the thing with my rent started again and my focus had to shift back to that. Letters, meetings, phone calls, the landlords, and me drinking to cope with the stress. I just thought keeping a roof over my head was probably where all my energy should go, as frustrating as it was and as much resentment as it was causing me. I hate to go on about it, but I really see that whole situation as one of the biggest impediments to my recovery. It was a lot of stress on top of my already stressful personal life. I need to let go of that, I call it the local authorities but really it was just one woman in the office who happened to have the power and also unfunny ideas about me.
Back to the point. I just could not see myself making a living from that haennie. I mean, it's one thing to be an out of work dj/artist, it's another thing altogether to be a homeless one. I get what you are saying and it's not like I haven't given much thought to this already. I would love to be me again. So that's a little bit of a yes and no. Of course I'm sure that my parents and relatives would disapprove, but they do that about anything that isn't all about them in some way. I have so many unfinished projects here as it is already also, no inspiration or motivation at the moment either which would be a problem too.
Also about my last comment. Unfair judgements and expectations would have been the short answer. And my answer was a bit of a ramble, although it would have been much longer if I were to expound on the points I made with some examples. Basically the point I was making was that most people I've known have always depended on me in times of need. Be it for backup, in a crisis, or even for a listening ear and place chill. Then when I'm in crisis I learned there is no-one. I can't depend on my family, or then my friends, and then the state even. Who does that leave, just me myself and I? Eh heuston, we have a problem as the 3 of us don't get along so well. Who am I supposed to call? "Hello is that the ghostbusters" By the way, that was a kinda sad story that you told us about here on the other page yesterday.
Back to the point. I just could not see myself making a living from that haennie. I mean, it's one thing to be an out of work dj/artist, it's another thing altogether to be a homeless one. I get what you are saying and it's not like I haven't given much thought to this already. I would love to be me again. So that's a little bit of a yes and no. Of course I'm sure that my parents and relatives would disapprove, but they do that about anything that isn't all about them in some way. I have so many unfinished projects here as it is already also, no inspiration or motivation at the moment either which would be a problem too.
Also about my last comment. Unfair judgements and expectations would have been the short answer. And my answer was a bit of a ramble, although it would have been much longer if I were to expound on the points I made with some examples. Basically the point I was making was that most people I've known have always depended on me in times of need. Be it for backup, in a crisis, or even for a listening ear and place chill. Then when I'm in crisis I learned there is no-one. I can't depend on my family, or then my friends, and then the state even. Who does that leave, just me myself and I? Eh heuston, we have a problem as the 3 of us don't get along so well. Who am I supposed to call? "Hello is that the ghostbusters"
By the way, that was a kinda sad story that you told us about here on the other page yesterday.
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Originally Posted by Verte
Stratman, how do you experience love? How do you know that you are in the presence of love? Peace? What does harmony feel like? How valuable is it for you to have faith in something? To have faith in yourself? Are you hopeful in general? Do you feel hopeful for something today? Hopeful for what and why? When you visualize happiness, what does it look like? Is anyone else there with you or are you happy with yourself, alone?
I did not have to think about the first few, and you are right. Not lofty or silly at all, that's the good ****! Rather difficult to attain, though.
Love (I believe) is the absence of all illusion. I've only ever experienced it with one other person before, and maybe even once or twice without.
How will you know it's presence? It's a strangely familiar feeling somehow! And peace is the absence of all conflicts, both internal and external.
What does harmony feel like? Well it is quite the opposite of chaos, and a good companion for peace. Balance in all things, a feeling of content.
Ok so those were good, didn't even have to think about them at all. But the faith one's F'd me up! Went over and back in my mind the other night.
Through different times and trying to relate to it, but the best I could come up with was it depends on the situation! I think preferably the former.
Originally Posted by Verte
Well, I thought about just sending you a PM with this because it is in the 'touchy-feely' realm. You do not appear to shy away from others' opinions and accept/reject what you will - what I see as absolute fabulous for the journey that you are on. Please tell me if I have overstepped or blasted off into outer space. My intention is not to make your day more difficult.
Very few things in life ever make my face light up but you managed to somehow! Cool
I wanted to save your questions til last as I quite like them actually.
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I have thought about counselling but I don't see it being any more useful than what I'm already receiving in all honesty. I was made to go to counselling when I was in school but I wasn't sure why, probably I had the wrong idea.
It was seriously awkward. I didn't open up about very much, nothing at all actually. "How do you feel" and all this. (hey lady, with my hands of course, what do you think I am stupid or something- probably what I was thinking)
I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. She would go for long periods of time just not saying anything. I know how that made me feel, very anxious and awkward. I would be forced to break the ice with some small talk.
I would go into her room, say hello and sit down. She would say hi. Then silence. I would say 'nice day out isn't it'. And she would say 'how does that make you feel'. I'd be thinking whats this, that doesn't even make any sense.
So probably I would say gee I dunno, then these big long awkward silences from her where I would be really uncomfortable. She would be silent for ages and I'd be trying to break the ice, and she wouldn't even respond to me.
Anyway, I knew she was doing this on purpose to me and it had me very, very flustered. So I decided to play her at her own game. I decided going to the next session that no matter what, I wasn't going to break the ice this time.
She had already started only acknowledging me now with just a smile and a nod, making me totally uncomfortable right from the off. Anyway, off along to the session I go, determined this time not to be made flustered again.
So we sat there for a full hour across from each other. Her looking at me, me looking at my feet, my watch, around the room, anywhere at all. Nobody spoke a word. It was incredibly difficult for me, but i didn't fold as it were.
Then the bell rang. And that was that, I didn't get made go to another one. And I didn't know what any of that was about. That's my main experience of counselling, and that's my story for today. Long time ago, I was 15 then.
It was seriously awkward. I didn't open up about very much, nothing at all actually. "How do you feel" and all this. (hey lady, with my hands of course, what do you think I am stupid or something- probably what I was thinking)
I didn't have a clue what she was talking about. She would go for long periods of time just not saying anything. I know how that made me feel, very anxious and awkward. I would be forced to break the ice with some small talk.
I would go into her room, say hello and sit down. She would say hi. Then silence. I would say 'nice day out isn't it'. And she would say 'how does that make you feel'. I'd be thinking whats this, that doesn't even make any sense.
So probably I would say gee I dunno, then these big long awkward silences from her where I would be really uncomfortable. She would be silent for ages and I'd be trying to break the ice, and she wouldn't even respond to me.
Anyway, I knew she was doing this on purpose to me and it had me very, very flustered. So I decided to play her at her own game. I decided going to the next session that no matter what, I wasn't going to break the ice this time.
She had already started only acknowledging me now with just a smile and a nod, making me totally uncomfortable right from the off. Anyway, off along to the session I go, determined this time not to be made flustered again.
So we sat there for a full hour across from each other. Her looking at me, me looking at my feet, my watch, around the room, anywhere at all. Nobody spoke a word. It was incredibly difficult for me, but i didn't fold as it were.
Then the bell rang. And that was that, I didn't get made go to another one. And I didn't know what any of that was about. That's my main experience of counselling, and that's my story for today. Long time ago, I was 15 then.
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I don't suppose forcing someone into counselling is ever going to work as well as if they're going of their own volition. Esp if nobody explained what to expect.
I found counselling okay - but quite exhausting. For me personally, I think AA has been much more useful.
I found counselling okay - but quite exhausting. For me personally, I think AA has been much more useful.
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Originally Posted by Beccybean
Esp if nobody explained what to expect.
For example one girls mother had passed away and we used to talk a little bit about our sessions. Hers were completely different to mine obviously, so I was quite confused about that. It would have helped for sure.
Reminds me actually of when I was working for Bank of America. The head of our department who was mentoring me said at the time "you can really commit to and work with a process once you understand it fully"
I'm paraphrasing but it was something like that, he was right anyway. Maybe counselling is not a bad idea. Hope you had a nice weekend.
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