Secrets
 

Secrets. It's been on my mind for the past little while. Of course we have all secrets, but do you have any deep secrets you don't tell anyone? If so, does anyone know? Your spouse, parents, immediate family? Or do you keep it locked inside yourself?

How do you believe that affects your strength and stability? Do you wish you could be more open than you are?

Yes. There are aspects about myself that no one knows. I consider this a lot too because I wonder if carrying this around does contribute to my addiction.

I'd say the high percentage of my secrets are intertwined with behaviors associated with my drinking. I guess time and how it unfolds in recovery will tell what I share and what I forgive quietly.

Only ones I really have are around when I was hiding my drinking. Addictions I keep as secretes. Everything else I'm an open book.

I think there is a difference between privacy and secrets.

I think privacy is stuff you want to keep to yourself in a healthy way.

I think the term "secrets" has a bad connotation.

I've heard some people say "No more secrets here! I'm going to tell my boss tomorrow I'm an alcoholic. He'll appreciate my honesty." Not so fast. I think this is an example of confusing secrets with privacy. I think the most successful people in life keep their privacy for the most part.

i dont really have secrets i have my privacy 5000% agree with MelindaFlowers

If these secrets burn and hurt you then getting them into the light is a useful exorcise IMHO .
Some people have suffered abuse and carrying that burden round can be toxic.

So it depends is what i think , is it toxic to you or is it not is what i'd ask myself .

Take care , m

Another one of those kooky slogans, "our secrets keep us sick."

It depends on if you are telling lies and being dishonest in order to keep secrets.

My secrets were lies about how much I was drinking, how much money I spent on benders, why I was too "sick" to go to work, where I was spending my time.

All of those lies kept me in active addiction.

When I got honest and had no more secrets about my alcohol abuse I was able to get and stay sober.

Secrets, secrets, secrets I had so many secrets the bucket was over flowing. Secrets I wouldn't admit to others secrets I wouldn't admit to myself. I found the majority of those secrets were based in resentments, fear, and sex.

When I did a thorough 4th and 5th step those secrets where brought to light and we're no longer secrets. I promptly put them in the trash where they belonged.

I'm a firm believer we are only as sick as our secrets because when I was rid of them the sense of healing was amazing

Melinda pretty much nailed what I was thinking.

I seem to have almost shared entirety of what was going on in my head between Therapy, SR, SMART meetings and friends/family. I personally believe that if a secret is in anyway festering in your mind you need to get it out. Sharing what I thought to be the worst has made me realize a lot of things aren't as bad as I built them up to be my head. I don't think it is a bad thing to share with someone/people who have earned your trust.

Aye, and I totally understand what you mean by that. Thanks!

Ha! I used to be a very secretive person. I developed this tendency in early childhood that I would have a close friend to share secrets with... everything ranging from real world information about myself to the most surreal content of fantasy life. And then I sometimes kept these relationships in deep secret, too. "Our secret world" instead of "mine" alone.

I must have emitted that sort of vibe as well since I don't know how many times people, who did not know me well, assumed that I was carrying some sort of mysterious dark secret (maybe more of them), like some kind of unimaginable illness or trauma from early life... I actually had difficulty a couple times to convince people that wasn't true and I did not have anything so dark and deep in my history (nothing more than the average person) other than a hyperactive imagination and somewhat reserved personality that together generated this outward impression. My "darkest" secret in life has definitely been my alcoholism, but that was in more recent years. Surely it made me even more secretive and mysterious-looking, and annoying.

I like what Melinda said about privacy. I'm definitely someone who needs and respects privacy -- both my own and others'. Sometimes this whole SR contribution makes me smile for this very reason: I've definitely never revealed such broad range of information and thoughts to such a large audience, and I don't think I ever would IRL. One reason why SR works for me so well.

I don't romaticize the idea of having a secret life very much though anymore (now as a sober person), but I guess I still do give away that sort of vibe to more extroverted people. Oh well. And I still like the idea of getting to know each-other with minimal boundaries with an intimate partner, because I had some fantastic experiences with that in the past, don't see a reason why not to do it again. But of course not secret alcoholic troubles :)

I do get a lot out of being transparent about what I do share and how I carry myself in the world -- that sort of authentic behavior is also something that I think I recognize in others. But I'll never be someone who carries my inside out for the whole world, or even for many. It's just a personality thing, imo.

I have a lot of secrets, but I have yet to find someone understanding enough to admit the big ones to. I feel like people will judge me on them. I guess it is because I have confided in people to have them throw them in my face later. I do believe it is unhealthy to keep them inside, because they slowly eat away at self confidence, but until the time is right I think some things are better left unsaid. My mother once told me if I am admitting something to someone that will hurt them, but make me feel better it is selfish, and I get that aspect as well. Eventually I may free myself from some of them, but their are a few I will take to my grave.

Dark secrets
one of the things that one's in AA share with their Sponsors. Confess your sins to God and another human being. For me, it was a big relief to share with another these character defects which I had hidden deep for a very long time.

A Sponsor is one that will take all shared with them to their grave.

MM

Awwww, amandamarie, bear hug for you. :)

http://pixdaus.com/files/items/pics/...0eea_large.jpg

I wouldn't bet my life on that. Sponsors are human. AA members are not sworn to keep a confidence, and some of them are not so healthy.

Some things would be better shared with a professional who 1.) Doesn't know you in outside life, and who 2.) Is professionally sworn to keep confidences - such as a therapist or clergy. I'm not just talking about things that were illegal, but also things that are sensitive enough to cause emotional pain should they become common knowledge in an AA group.

I would not trust some things to a sponsor. I found early on that some sponsors will use them against you.

whether we follow a step-based program or some other path to recovery, one thing is pretty clearly reinforced in many courses of treatment, in general psychology and in paths of spiritual and soul maturity;

We need to release ourselves of 'secrets' in order to grow.

The weight of those secrets follows us, weighs us down and inhibits our progress emotionally, mentally, spiritually... until we open ourselves enough to finally let them flow out and put them down.

I've had some success in processing 'secrets' by simply confessing them out loud, in writing, to Spirit. But I also see that some of those still trouble me. I am working my way ever so gradually through the steps and am in the midst of step 4.... chipping away and realizing in the process that some things I'd been sure I'd 'let go' are still there.

I cannot say whether sharing them with another human being will be the thing that finally allows me to move on from them, but I figure it is worth a shot. So... step 5 will be the really tough one.... and perhaps the really critical one.

I can say for sure however that 'secrets' have weighed me down and kept me dragging negative self beliefs and feelings around for a long, long time.

:ring

Hmm bimini... that is actually only half true. They are also just as much human. The pros have extensive training in how to keep confidences, but actually, they write articles and books, and discuss our secret lives in conferences and in many other ways :) Just without IDing and in structured ways. More or less.
That's my preferred way of dealing with secrets these days regardless.

Troy,

I think if something is bothering me, I can deal with it without sharing it. If I owe an apology I can give one. If I need to make some other amends, I can do that. I think that is the important spiritual part - to make things right.

Some things I have as private events are things that hurt only me. Those I keep between God and myself. I have forgiven myself for these things, but occasionally I still remember them. That's okay. It's just part of me. The past is in the past, I cannot change what has already happened. I can move forward without making those same mistakes, but it's likely I'll make some new ones. :)

No one gets out without making a lot of mistakes. That's why we need grace. I'm at peace with that.

Maybe I am fortunate but I would trust my sponsor with anything. He sponsors people I know well and he has never remotely breached the Sponsor/Sponsee relationship with them and I sure he extends me the same anonymity.

I do agree that before you start blabbing your deepest darkest secrets you better be pretty darn sure you can trust your sponsor

Secrets, privacy, Tell a sponsor? I had a post removed because of my honesty so I will ignore the tell a sponsor remark...
I think someone else already addressed it anyway.

I agree with Melinda.

The thing is people. EVERYONE has secrets. Not just 'alcoholics' or addicts. And it seems their secrets do not 'cause' them to drink. Their character defects, as so defined, are just that.
And yes, doctors, lawyers and candlestick makers will 'share' secrets about their clients.

Here is a true story. Years ago I think it was t-giving dinner or xmas, my brother leaned close to me and said I want to tell you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone else. I said if I can't tell anyone else then I don't want to hear it - true. He got mad at me and then I again explained it to him that if it was a "secret" then it was a secret to me and should remain a secret. That's why they call them secrets. He was amazed at my attitude and that I was indignant about it. But that's just me.

The only "person" you should tell a secret to is your dog. Sit down with a dog and tell him all your secrets. He'll listen and won't be judgmental at all. And I guarantee he won't tell another soul. If you don't have a dog, borrow one. I don't trust cats so using a cat is entirely up to you.