Secrets
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
There people in my life that are worthy of my trust and I thank God they are there. I don't need to make an appointment with them because they are there for me 24X7 and I'm there for them.
I used to feel the world was out to get me. It was a sad dark angry world. When I learned to be vulnerable I learned what friendship is all about. By no means am I naive and error on the side of being cautious but learning to trust others was a huge step forward in my recovery
I used to feel the world was out to get me. It was a sad dark angry world. When I learned to be vulnerable I learned what friendship is all about. By no means am I naive and error on the side of being cautious but learning to trust others was a huge step forward in my recovery
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I told my sponsor my secrets in my 5th step. I trust her and she has never given me any reason not to continue with that belief.
There was one secret that I did not leave with my sponsor as it was part of an amends. It was to my mother and it was a lie I told her when I was 16. I am now 46. I would not have told her if she had not reacted to a third party in a harsh way and I wanted to make sure that I was making amends not only for the lie but what my actions caused her to do. I still owe an amends to the third party but have not been able to locate her.
At the time she did not seem to really be affected by it. She was surprised but seem to let it go and forgave me for all of my amends, so she said, but later when we had a falling out she blabbed my secret to my children and other family members.
I would say if you do have to reveal a secret in the process of an amends you are willing to handle any all backlash that could happen even from people that were not involved and had no part in the amends or the revealing of the secret. I never saw that result happening when I was truly trying to come clean but at least my slate is clean on that matter. What others have been told or believe about it is really up to them and none of my business.
I guess that is the only advice I have to give about secrets or revealing them is to make sure you trust the person enough to tell and that it will remain between you. That they will not use it later.
There are some evil people and they do not care how or what they have to use to hurt you.
There was one secret that I did not leave with my sponsor as it was part of an amends. It was to my mother and it was a lie I told her when I was 16. I am now 46. I would not have told her if she had not reacted to a third party in a harsh way and I wanted to make sure that I was making amends not only for the lie but what my actions caused her to do. I still owe an amends to the third party but have not been able to locate her.
At the time she did not seem to really be affected by it. She was surprised but seem to let it go and forgave me for all of my amends, so she said, but later when we had a falling out she blabbed my secret to my children and other family members.
I would say if you do have to reveal a secret in the process of an amends you are willing to handle any all backlash that could happen even from people that were not involved and had no part in the amends or the revealing of the secret. I never saw that result happening when I was truly trying to come clean but at least my slate is clean on that matter. What others have been told or believe about it is really up to them and none of my business.
I guess that is the only advice I have to give about secrets or revealing them is to make sure you trust the person enough to tell and that it will remain between you. That they will not use it later.
There are some evil people and they do not care how or what they have to use to hurt you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
I had a huge nasty secret that haunted me for 13 yrs. I tried to forget it, didn't work, tried to ignore it, worked for a little bit but made it stronger. It was horrible. I had to face it, acknowledge it, have a breakdown and let it out to some close people and THEN I started to heal. It doesn't haunt me in the same way anymore, not at all.
I love what was said about the difference between secret and privacy...
I love what was said about the difference between secret and privacy...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by LBrain 
Secrets, privacy, Tell a sponsor? I had a post removed because of my honesty so I will ignore the tell a sponsor remark...
Let us always remember, anything illegal or ?? Can be traced back on the Internet.
MM
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
In terms of trust issues.... One thing I'm considering is finding a church or recovery program somewhere in another town and going there anonymously - calling ahead to make arrangements - and asking for their support in a fifth step.
I really do feel there is deep power in sharing what burdens us with another human soul - and to do so without any encumbrance of fear or mistrust would be liberating...
Secrets can pull us down, even if we share them with A Higher Power.....
I really do feel there is deep power in sharing what burdens us with another human soul - and to do so without any encumbrance of fear or mistrust would be liberating...
Secrets can pull us down, even if we share them with A Higher Power.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Lol, LB.
FreeOwl, when I first considered a confession (which, indeed can be good or can go terribly badly) I thought I'd go to Vegas, find some old-timer in the program, do a Fifth Step and be done with it. There are lots of nice places to go down there, I could buy him/her a nice dinner. Plus an old timer in Vegas has heard everything, right? I'd probably get a disappointed, "That's it?"
Then I decided not to do it. At. All.
Not every little nook and cranny has to be investigated and fleshed out all the way back to the cradle. People do dumb stuff. They get over it and then go and do other dumb stuff. The trick is to try to diminish the number of new dumb stuff.
FreeOwl, when I first considered a confession (which, indeed can be good or can go terribly badly) I thought I'd go to Vegas, find some old-timer in the program, do a Fifth Step and be done with it. There are lots of nice places to go down there, I could buy him/her a nice dinner. Plus an old timer in Vegas has heard everything, right? I'd probably get a disappointed, "That's it?"
Then I decided not to do it. At. All.
Not every little nook and cranny has to be investigated and fleshed out all the way back to the cradle. People do dumb stuff. They get over it and then go and do other dumb stuff. The trick is to try to diminish the number of new dumb stuff.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by TroyW
Secrets. It's been on my mind for the past little while. Of course we have all secrets, but do you have any deep secrets you don't tell anyone? If so, does anyone know? Your spouse, parents, immediate family? Or do you keep it locked inside yourself?
How do you believe that affects your strength and stability? Do you wish you could be more open than you are?
How do you believe that affects your strength and stability? Do you wish you could be more open than you are?
Confession is as old as time and very healing. As humans I think sometimes we think were the only one who did xyz...........
For me I need to be honest with my family/loved ones. However, they do not need to hear all the jazzzz I did just to make myself feel better. Getting stuff off my chest so to speak.
Also, being honest about our loved ones defects to them is not part of live and let live - brutally honest is cruel!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by LBrain
wtf
Personally I see all kinds in Recovery working all kinds of different Programs. AA, Celebrate Recovery, Church, SoberRecovery.com, etc etc. That's why I call them (Programs), what ever works for you could be called your Program. Mine seems to be working well (for me).
Actually I think this to be the best.
James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you .... it is directly connected with the charge to send for the elders of the Church.
Doesn't work for everyone but, has been practiced for thousands of years.
True, AA has not even been around for a hundred years.
Confess, don't confess, whatever, just don't drink.
MM
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Originally Posted by MIRecovery
By no means am I naive and error on the side of being cautious but learning to trust others was a huge step forward in my recovery
Back in my younger days, everyone would always tell me I'm too nice for my own good. I can confidently say I no longer am.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by TroyW
Yeah, that whole trust thing... no offence, but unless we're blood family and share the same DNA, I'll never fully trust you. Blood family I fully trust and they know everything about me, including secrets, but outside of them, full trust isn't going to happen. Learned that little lesson the hard way.
Back in my younger days, everyone would always tell me I'm too nice for my own good. I can confidently say I no longer am.
Back in my younger days, everyone would always tell me I'm too nice for my own good. I can confidently say I no longer am.
For me I like to have multiple people I can call that are in recovery when the gowing gets tough because they understand the battle I face like no other. If I had not trusted a few select individuals I would have missed being close friends with the finest people I have ever had the honor of knowing
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by biminiblue
Lol, LB.
FreeOwl, when I first considered a confession (which, indeed can be good or can go terribly badly) I thought I'd go to Vegas, find some old-timer in the program, do a Fifth Step and be done with it. There are lots of nice places to go down there, I could buy him/her a nice dinner. Plus an old timer in Vegas has heard everything, right? I'd probably get a disappointed, "That's it?"
Then I decided not to do it. At. All.
Not every little nook and cranny has to be investigated and fleshed out all the way back to the cradle. People do dumb stuff. They get over it and then go and do other dumb stuff. The trick is to try to diminish the number of new dumb stuff.
FreeOwl, when I first considered a confession (which, indeed can be good or can go terribly badly) I thought I'd go to Vegas, find some old-timer in the program, do a Fifth Step and be done with it. There are lots of nice places to go down there, I could buy him/her a nice dinner. Plus an old timer in Vegas has heard everything, right? I'd probably get a disappointed, "That's it?"
Then I decided not to do it. At. All.
Not every little nook and cranny has to be investigated and fleshed out all the way back to the cradle. People do dumb stuff. They get over it and then go and do other dumb stuff. The trick is to try to diminish the number of new dumb stuff.
And indeed, I have done some self-designed rituals, some self-forgiveness, some speaking with Spirit.... all of which have helped me set some things down that held me back.
Yet there are some of those things that persist. So, for me, I am called to see whether sharing those things with a real live actual human being might not help.
Part of my core wounds are about not feeling 'good enough', carrying shame, carrying self-defeating beliefs - and some of that comes from things I've done that I think may be made lighter and loosen the grip on me that they have just by sharing with a human. Because we're all human, we all make mistakes and we all do dumb things. Being seen and heard by a human, as a human, has a certain power to it. For me, I'm willing to see whether that power will bring some further growth and freedom.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
nope... not every little thing.
And indeed, I have done some self-designed rituals, some self-forgiveness, some speaking with Spirit.... all of which have helped me set some things down that held me back.
Yet there are some of those things that persist. So, for me, I am called to see whether sharing those things with a real live actual human being might not help.
Part of my core wounds are about not feeling 'good enough', carrying shame, carrying self-defeating beliefs - and some of that comes from things I've done that I think may be made lighter and loosen the grip on me that they have just by sharing with a human. Because we're all human, we all make mistakes and we all do dumb things. Being seen and heard by a human, as a human, has a certain power to it. For me, I'm willing to see whether that power will bring some further growth and freedom.
And indeed, I have done some self-designed rituals, some self-forgiveness, some speaking with Spirit.... all of which have helped me set some things down that held me back.
Yet there are some of those things that persist. So, for me, I am called to see whether sharing those things with a real live actual human being might not help.
Part of my core wounds are about not feeling 'good enough', carrying shame, carrying self-defeating beliefs - and some of that comes from things I've done that I think may be made lighter and loosen the grip on me that they have just by sharing with a human. Because we're all human, we all make mistakes and we all do dumb things. Being seen and heard by a human, as a human, has a certain power to it. For me, I'm willing to see whether that power will bring some further growth and freedom.
Old-timer in Vegas. Jus' sayin.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Read this in the daily reflections today.
"Since it is true that God comes to me through people, I can see that by keeping people at a distance I also keep God at a distance. God is nearer to me than I think and I can experience Him by loving people and allowing people to love me. But I can neither love nor be loved if I allow my secrets to get in the way.
It's the side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the dark side in order to heal my mind and heart because that is the road to freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear to find peace.
By revealing my secrets – and thereby ridding myself of guilt – I can actually change my thinking; by altering my thinking, I can change myself. My thoughts create my future. What I will be tomorrow is determined by what I think today.
"Since it is true that God comes to me through people, I can see that by keeping people at a distance I also keep God at a distance. God is nearer to me than I think and I can experience Him by loving people and allowing people to love me. But I can neither love nor be loved if I allow my secrets to get in the way.
It's the side of myself that I refuse to look at that rules me. I must be willing to look at the dark side in order to heal my mind and heart because that is the road to freedom. I must walk into darkness to find the light and walk into fear to find peace.
By revealing my secrets – and thereby ridding myself of guilt – I can actually change my thinking; by altering my thinking, I can change myself. My thoughts create my future. What I will be tomorrow is determined by what I think today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
By revealing my secrets – and thereby ridding myself of guilt – I can actually change my thinking
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by TroyW
Not exactly always that easy, is it? What happens if I have nothing to be guilty about? Sure, I've made some mistakes in life, but definitely none that are holding me back, or to feel guilty about.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
Originally Posted by thwsmith33
Oh boy...I'm in some serious trouble then!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Originally Posted by MIRecovery
I wish I could say the same Though maybe I'm sicker than most
Besides, I would probably learn more about you from your reaction, then you'd learn about me from my story. Obviously though, that only works in-person, not online.
Nonetheless, people can still have secrets they don't need to feel guilty about, as it's no fault of their own.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: California
Posts: 1,914
This is something I've been thinking about lately too.
I don't know that I would call them secrets, necessarily, as they are some people who know about them. More like things I feel I should confess to someone to get them off my chest, if that makes any sense.
I love my family but definitely don't trust them, and I'm not close enough with any of them for that sort of thing.
Maybe when the time rolls around I'll try a 5th step sort of thing, although I'm not doing AA in my recovery. I still think it might be helpful to intentionally admit to some of the things I've done to someone. Might make it easier to forgive myself and move on.
Thankfully there's only a few things I feel that way about!
I don't know that I would call them secrets, necessarily, as they are some people who know about them. More like things I feel I should confess to someone to get them off my chest, if that makes any sense.
I love my family but definitely don't trust them, and I'm not close enough with any of them for that sort of thing.
Maybe when the time rolls around I'll try a 5th step sort of thing, although I'm not doing AA in my recovery. I still think it might be helpful to intentionally admit to some of the things I've done to someone. Might make it easier to forgive myself and move on.
Thankfully there's only a few things I feel that way about!
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